Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I did nothing wrong and was actually very nice?

172 replies

timtamfan21 · 14/07/2023 20:00

I’m currently working abroad and living in a staff house with 2 other women (we’re all 30s professional's in a niché sector, not teenagers on a gap year for context!). We are only in mainland Europe and go home on weekends to see our families. We see each other at work but usually only briefly due to working different shift patterns, we’re all going home permanently in early August.

Will call one colleague Helen and one Miranda. I arrived 2 weeks after Helen and Miranda, my post got delayed due to a family crisis, we all knew OF each other but hadn’t met before. When I arrived last month they had already bonded quite well due to their kids sharing the same hobbies and being from the same part of the UK, so my arrival was always going to be a ‘3 is a crowd’ situation but I didn’t really care, I was there to work and was happy with just being friendly with them. They did make a nice effort to include me though and we had film evenings etc and evening trips together to see the local area/culture. We've all had cries about missing our DC at some point and have all supported each other through that.

Miranda has unfortunately become the victim of prolonged sexual harassment by a man who is a resident in an apartment in the complex opposite our staff home. He waits for her in the morning on her walk to and from work and knows full well none of us drive to work. Miranda smokes and he without fail approaches her every time she goes out. The behaviour has ramped up recently, with him chasing Miranda halfway to work shouting at her to come back. Miranda is, of course, absolutely terrified and me and Helen have been very supportive and one of us always walks her to work and meets her when she finishes a shift. Local police are aware but don’t seem bothered and say they can’t do anything until the man actually assaults Miranda, which I think is disgusting.

Yesterday was a rare occasion where me and Helen were both working the same shift, with Miranda being at home. We were both worried but Miranda insisted she’d just stay in and of course keep all the doors locked, promising to let one of us know if something happened. Helen had her lunch break first then I went on mine. Helen’s phone was left in the break room when she went back on shift, and I was quite shocked she’d forget it considering the Miranda situation. A few minutes later I was concerned when I noticed Miranda calling Helen’s phone. I’d never usually look at somebody else’s phone, but with Helen not being present, I decided to answer in case Miranda was in immediate danger.

Miranda was hyperventilating down the phone, and begging for me to put Helen on. I explained that Helen had gone back on shift and I didn’t know where in the huge building she would be by now. Miranda explained she had decided to nip out for some food but the bloke had come out onto the forecourt as she was leaving the house and started running towards her shouting, so she was now back in the apartment with the doors locked and didn’t know if he was outside but that it was quiet. I, in no uncertain terms, told Miranda to call the police ASAP and she said no, she wanted to see Helen first and that she reckoned the bloke had gone. The facility we work in is huge and it could’ve taken me ages to find Helen, so I said quite firmly to Miranda that I was coming home in case he was outside. Miranda then got quite nasty with me and said “What are you going to even be able to do? I want Helen.” I was quite upset by this butI let it go though because she was terrified and I could understand her wanting the friend she was closer to, so I go to find Helen.

Track down Helen about 15 minutes later who quickly speaks to our line manager then rushes home to see Miranda, and takes the rest of the day off to look after Miranda on the manager’s say so. In that time she supports Miranda in making a police statement. When I get home, they both immediately ask me to sit down and chastise me for answering Helen’s phone. I felt ganged up on and put on the spot. I was stunned and explained to Miranda that I had done it in case she was in danger, which she was, and pointed out that I was hurt she got so angry at my suggestion that I was coming back to see her instead of wasting time trying to track Helen down whilst the bloke could be trying to break into our house, and Miranda promptly went off to bed in a huff and Helen went for a walk. This morning neither of were speaking to me. I’ve worked all day and am currently in the airport to get my flight home for the weekend, but I’m getting a London flight and they are getting a different one together to a different UK city to see their own families there, which I’m relieved about because I couldn’t stand the image of them giving me daggers in the boarding lounge, it was bad enough running into them in the coffee shop before security where I approached them to wish them a safe flight home and a nice weekend with their families and got ignored. Will be boarding soon so won’t reply for a while but I genuinely want opinions of others because I can’t understand why they are being so nasty. I also accept the risk they may be MNetters but I don’t think it’s particularly likely. And if I’m wrong, well I’ll have to face the awkwardness for the 2 weeks remaining of the arrangement.

I feel shocked and now I just cannot wait for this work arrangement to be over. AIBU to think I didn’t do anything wrong?

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 14/07/2023 22:26

Those two women ought to take part in amateur dramatics. They certainly don't act their age. Unfortunately, some women are unable to be friends with two people at the same time and it's a constant game of making one person feel left out. It's really horrible to be on the receiving end of it. Can you ask to be moved?

InSpainTheRain · 14/07/2023 22:26

I dont think you did anything wrong in the circumstances. I would now back right off doing anything to help either of them.
I'd be unavailable for chaperoning duties most of the time and put down any reports to their drama. It also seems.strange Miranda went out at all - that was inviting trouble if he comes after her every time, and why on earth she didn't move flats when given the opportunity is bonkers unless there is more to it.

Maybe Miranda/Helen are in a relationship, maybe either or both have been more involved with the guy than you realise.

Natty13 · 14/07/2023 22:27

You've done nothing wrong at all.
What I would do is 1. Apologise, either when you are all back or via text say "I'm very sorry I answered Helen's phone. I didn't think and in the moment was just v worried about you Miranda. I should have known better and next time I will absolutely not answer or get involved." Say this with absolute sincerity and not passive aggression/sarcasm.

  1. Stop walking her to work, stop picking her up, stop worrying about her. Your efforts are not appreciated and so let her and Helen deal with it themselves.
Be friendly but keep yourself distant.
Allwelcone · 14/07/2023 22:34

Yes build barriers op for the next round. They'll either have a think and be nicer or they'll entrench so if I were you I'd get my defences ready, headphones in, walk to work solo, monosyllabic answers etc. Professional and no more.

EggWind · 14/07/2023 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 14/07/2023 22:37

No, that's really not funny.

WhichEllie · 14/07/2023 22:39

I agree that the stalker thing comes across as bollocks. A PP’s theory that she slept with him is much more plausible, and would explain why he wants to talk to her (if even that part is true).

I would insist that the company find you alternative accommodation for the few remaining weeks. If they have to pay for
you to stay in a hotel then so be it. Just say that there is a situation with one of the others that police are involved in and you will no longer stay there as you don’t feel safe. Or say that the other two have become hostile towards you and you won’t stay there anymore. I doubt they’ll protest much, this sort of thing is not unexpected when a company tries to lump employees into a group accommodation instead of providing individual accommodations.

dunnoboutthisone · 14/07/2023 22:41

My first thought is there's something more with the guy - are you certain he's sexually harassing her? Do you hear what he says to her? Might be trying to get to her for another reason, like she bought drugs off him and hasn't paid for example. Or maybe there was a 'fling' before you got there, though it's very weird he's still being persistent when not apparently achieving anything. There's definitely more going on and it's quite likely dodgy, I'd steer well clear if possible and report them if they become any more unpleasant. You've definitely done nothing wrong.

ARRGHHHHHxxxxx · 14/07/2023 22:44

JazzyBBG · 14/07/2023 20:20

Are they more than friends? Only explanation I can think of.

This is what I thought too.

toffeeappleglow · 14/07/2023 22:50

They sound weird, and after this, I'd do everything possible to put some distance between you and them. Stay out of anything to do with them outside of what is required for work and don't take on the burden of their personal problems from this point on. Keep interactions to the bare minimum and maintain a calm, professional tone with them.

minou123 · 14/07/2023 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This is not funny and incredibly dangerous.

I can't believe you think this is funny.
Stalking can lead to rape and murder. So the fact that you think this is funny is really concerning.and there is something wrong with you.

Report your post and ask for it to be deleted. If you dont do it, I will.

Gladtoblasto · 14/07/2023 22:54

Find somewhere else to live. That guy sounds bonkers and the two women are the least of your worries.

KingKhazi · 14/07/2023 22:54

Another who's first thought was are they having an affair?
Miranda saying "I want Helen" is odd.

NewtonsCradle · 14/07/2023 22:57

Imo Helen left the phone on purpose knowing Miranda was going to call. You did your part by going to find Helen, so your boss knows there was a 'real' emergency that you can verify. Helen and Miranda had an afternoon off. When you returned they tried to shame you so you would be distracted from what was really going on. It's worth asking for different accommodation as they are messing with you and your boss should be in the loop.

OMG12 · 14/07/2023 22:58

JazzyBBG · 14/07/2023 20:20

Are they more than friends? Only explanation I can think of.

That was my first thought tbh

excelledyourself · 14/07/2023 23:18

So you and Helen have to be on red alert and go out of your way to escort Miranda to and from work. But you've not to dare answer Helen's phone if you suspect Miranda is calling because she's in danger, which she claims she actually was.

I have no idea how on Earth they have convinced themselves that you're the bad guy here.

Someone else calling and you answer, then sure, that's crossing a line. But not this.

And that's before we get into the 'I want Helen, not you'. She'd have never got Helen at all if you hadn't answered. Is she thick?

Utter bullshit.

Teenagehorrorbag · 14/07/2023 23:20

Mars27 · 14/07/2023 20:28

I can understand their reactions being disproportionate and that they didn't handle the situation very well. But I would hate someone answering my phone. Some 20+ years ago when we only had brick phones I was on the shower and a flat mate answered my mobile and I really didn't like that, I felt my privacy was invaded. I explained to her that she shouldn't have done that and she didn't like it much saying "But you were in The shower!". At the end there was no major falling out but I was always a bit cautious after that.

I understand the situation here is different but I would have gone after the Helen and informed her that Miranda was calling. I just wouldn't feel comfortable answering a phone that didn't belong to someone who is very close to me.

What? There's no comparison.

Of course in an ideal world we probably wouldn't answer someone's phone unless we were very close and knew the person calling as well. A flatmate probably wouldn't - although if they knew the caller and fancied a chat - is it really a problem? But anyway.....

Miranda was known to be in potential danger and Helen had stupidly left her phone miles away. I would have done exactly the same in OPs situation - what if Miranda didn't have 20 minutes for OP to find Helen and call her back?

They are both batshit and OP will be well out of it in August,

12RedRoses · 14/07/2023 23:23

NewtonsCradle · 14/07/2023 22:57

Imo Helen left the phone on purpose knowing Miranda was going to call. You did your part by going to find Helen, so your boss knows there was a 'real' emergency that you can verify. Helen and Miranda had an afternoon off. When you returned they tried to shame you so you would be distracted from what was really going on. It's worth asking for different accommodation as they are messing with you and your boss should be in the loop.

Oh, this is an interesting interpretation!

But the stalker is still a risk, and sorry the police in that country are shit.

I would ask you work for alternative accommodation if you can’t stick out the remaining few weeks.

WarmButteryCrumpets · 14/07/2023 23:28

They both sound utterly bizarre!

I reckon Miranda's is really mad at Helen for not having her phone with her (which exacerbated her anxiety in the moment) and she's taking it out on you because Helen is her bestie.

And Helen knows she was in the wrong but is hoping if she acts like it was actually your fault, nobody will realise.

Threenow · 14/07/2023 23:28

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/07/2023 21:54

@Threenow The suggestion was she should report to HR about the strange aggressive behaviour of the two women.

Oh I see. Well I wouldn't be bothering to do that either, but then I have never gone to HR in my life and things would have be pretty bad before I did. Anyway, their behaviour has hardly been what I would call aggressive, more childish. I would just not interact with them any more than I had to - something rather odd is going on and there is more to this than meets the eye.

crazeekat · 14/07/2023 23:30

tell them both to fk off and sort their own issues out. u are a
good friend and have done nothing wrong.
put them behind you and try to move on with your life and career, if they continue to be nasty bitches report them to ur supervisor x

Dacadactyl · 14/07/2023 23:34

You did absolutely nothing wrong. And I would say that even if Miranda was just phoning Helen for a chat and nothing more.

Dacadactyl · 14/07/2023 23:37

KingKhazi · 14/07/2023 22:54

Another who's first thought was are they having an affair?
Miranda saying "I want Helen" is odd.

Yes, its maybe this actually. And perhaps Helen is now in the shit cos Miranda suspects she's also carrying on with the OP.

truthhurts23 · 14/07/2023 23:49

are you sure they're not having an affair?. i'm dead serious

changeme4this · 15/07/2023 00:07

I'm wondering also if there is more to their relationship, or at least how Miranda might see her relationship with Helen. How does Miranda react if Helen discusses her OH ? I am presuming there is one...

Did helen at any point in time respond as to why she left her mobile behind or is that standard practice at your place of employment?

As this issue involves staff housing, I would be taking your concerns to your Employer, even just send them an email whilst you are away. They must be notified. It might not affect future staff, it might just be a Miranda thing, but if the guy is unhinged as he is coming across, then your Employer needs to know.

Once you have done that, remain polite, but aloof from the other two. I have no doubt while you are all away, you will be discussed at great length and there is nothing you can do about it or re-write what has happened.

You did your very best.