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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I did nothing wrong and was actually very nice?

172 replies

timtamfan21 · 14/07/2023 20:00

I’m currently working abroad and living in a staff house with 2 other women (we’re all 30s professional's in a niché sector, not teenagers on a gap year for context!). We are only in mainland Europe and go home on weekends to see our families. We see each other at work but usually only briefly due to working different shift patterns, we’re all going home permanently in early August.

Will call one colleague Helen and one Miranda. I arrived 2 weeks after Helen and Miranda, my post got delayed due to a family crisis, we all knew OF each other but hadn’t met before. When I arrived last month they had already bonded quite well due to their kids sharing the same hobbies and being from the same part of the UK, so my arrival was always going to be a ‘3 is a crowd’ situation but I didn’t really care, I was there to work and was happy with just being friendly with them. They did make a nice effort to include me though and we had film evenings etc and evening trips together to see the local area/culture. We've all had cries about missing our DC at some point and have all supported each other through that.

Miranda has unfortunately become the victim of prolonged sexual harassment by a man who is a resident in an apartment in the complex opposite our staff home. He waits for her in the morning on her walk to and from work and knows full well none of us drive to work. Miranda smokes and he without fail approaches her every time she goes out. The behaviour has ramped up recently, with him chasing Miranda halfway to work shouting at her to come back. Miranda is, of course, absolutely terrified and me and Helen have been very supportive and one of us always walks her to work and meets her when she finishes a shift. Local police are aware but don’t seem bothered and say they can’t do anything until the man actually assaults Miranda, which I think is disgusting.

Yesterday was a rare occasion where me and Helen were both working the same shift, with Miranda being at home. We were both worried but Miranda insisted she’d just stay in and of course keep all the doors locked, promising to let one of us know if something happened. Helen had her lunch break first then I went on mine. Helen’s phone was left in the break room when she went back on shift, and I was quite shocked she’d forget it considering the Miranda situation. A few minutes later I was concerned when I noticed Miranda calling Helen’s phone. I’d never usually look at somebody else’s phone, but with Helen not being present, I decided to answer in case Miranda was in immediate danger.

Miranda was hyperventilating down the phone, and begging for me to put Helen on. I explained that Helen had gone back on shift and I didn’t know where in the huge building she would be by now. Miranda explained she had decided to nip out for some food but the bloke had come out onto the forecourt as she was leaving the house and started running towards her shouting, so she was now back in the apartment with the doors locked and didn’t know if he was outside but that it was quiet. I, in no uncertain terms, told Miranda to call the police ASAP and she said no, she wanted to see Helen first and that she reckoned the bloke had gone. The facility we work in is huge and it could’ve taken me ages to find Helen, so I said quite firmly to Miranda that I was coming home in case he was outside. Miranda then got quite nasty with me and said “What are you going to even be able to do? I want Helen.” I was quite upset by this butI let it go though because she was terrified and I could understand her wanting the friend she was closer to, so I go to find Helen.

Track down Helen about 15 minutes later who quickly speaks to our line manager then rushes home to see Miranda, and takes the rest of the day off to look after Miranda on the manager’s say so. In that time she supports Miranda in making a police statement. When I get home, they both immediately ask me to sit down and chastise me for answering Helen’s phone. I felt ganged up on and put on the spot. I was stunned and explained to Miranda that I had done it in case she was in danger, which she was, and pointed out that I was hurt she got so angry at my suggestion that I was coming back to see her instead of wasting time trying to track Helen down whilst the bloke could be trying to break into our house, and Miranda promptly went off to bed in a huff and Helen went for a walk. This morning neither of were speaking to me. I’ve worked all day and am currently in the airport to get my flight home for the weekend, but I’m getting a London flight and they are getting a different one together to a different UK city to see their own families there, which I’m relieved about because I couldn’t stand the image of them giving me daggers in the boarding lounge, it was bad enough running into them in the coffee shop before security where I approached them to wish them a safe flight home and a nice weekend with their families and got ignored. Will be boarding soon so won’t reply for a while but I genuinely want opinions of others because I can’t understand why they are being so nasty. I also accept the risk they may be MNetters but I don’t think it’s particularly likely. And if I’m wrong, well I’ll have to face the awkwardness for the 2 weeks remaining of the arrangement.

I feel shocked and now I just cannot wait for this work arrangement to be over. AIBU to think I didn’t do anything wrong?

OP posts:
Oceanus · 14/07/2023 21:39

You did nothing wrong. As for the other two, misery loves company so look at it like that. They're both miserable gits so just let it go. If they want to behave like teenagers, let them. You'd achieve nothing from getting into an argument with them, so don't. They're both such sensible people that they're bound to stab each other in the back in the future, so keep your hands clean. They'll be here one day bitching about the other and if they're from the same hometown and end up working together that'll be sooner rather than later.

Devonshiregal · 14/07/2023 21:39

Pain in the arse. Just c all l the police. Don’t put your friend in danger AND yourself in more danger to have the drama of your friend coming back. Also she should be telling work and landlords etc. Honestly hate when people are like this. Fuck em.

Ridemeginger · 14/07/2023 21:42

OP should speak to HR about her own safety. A predatory man is a danger to all women (if he actually exists, that is). He could turn on Miranda's friends if he sees them as gatekeepers. No reason why OP should be put in danger because Miranda won't accept the help and solutions that have been offered to her.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/07/2023 21:42

I wonder if the whole "emergency" was just a ploy so Helen could get the afternoon off work to spend with Miranda. Hence Miranda's chagrin when Helen didn't answer the phone.

EggWind · 14/07/2023 21:42

I think this is one of the few situations where it's reasonable to answer somebody's phone. I'd have done the same.

They're being totally ungrateful. It's out of order to even complain about you answering it, but to then give you the cold shoulder and blank you when you tried to be the bigger person....seriously, fuck them both.

Echio · 14/07/2023 21:43

Ooo very curious how this all turns out.

Re answering phones - in my family, we answer each others' phones occasionally if it is another family member / close friend calling, just to pass on the message (think of it a bit like landlines- we wouldn't think anything of any of us answering the home landline). In this situation, I could see myself answering the phone - it's an unusual situation, it could be urgent/important, and it's no more an invasion of privacy than being aware the phone rang anyway.

The fall-out seems really odd.

Also - can you tell us what your job is? I'd love to know!

TheCovidHalfStone · 14/07/2023 21:44

I don’t understand why people wouldn’t want someone to answer their phone to someone they both know. Surely it makes sense to let the caller know that they’ve left their phone somewhere. What is the objection?

smartiestube · 14/07/2023 21:44

Very weird that she insisted upon having Helen go to her and not moving to somewhere safer when given the opportunity to do so. My first thought, like many others on this thread, is that Miranda and Helen are (or are trying to be) romantically involved with each other. Or the stalker isn't even real and they are up to no good.

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/07/2023 21:47

You have done absolutely nothing wrong OP.

I also suspect there's more to the situation with the man than meets the eye. His harassment is so totally over the top. Even in countries where misogyny is tolerated that level of harassment would be considered unacceptable. Have you actually alerted the police yourself or been in the room when one of them has?

I can't help wondering if she's had a fling with this guy or there's been some other incident which they haven't been totally honest about, which would explain why Miranda was so unwilling to talk to you as opposed to Helen? And would explain why the police apparently can't do anything. Could she have a drug problem and had tried to buy drugs from him and not paid him? It sounds far fetched but their reaction is very odd.

BeginningToLookALotLike · 14/07/2023 21:48

So they had you giving up your time to keep Miranda safe but then they suddenly made it clear that they didn't want your help. Very odd. I would just try and avoid them as much as possible now,

dawngreen · 14/07/2023 21:49

I don't trust them also thinking they are up to some thing.

RedRobyn2021 · 14/07/2023 21:49

You didn't do anything wrong. I would have done the same. I think they're being unreasonable and unkind.

Yfory · 14/07/2023 21:50

You did what I would have done.

Does this man definitely exist? Have you seen him bothering M yourself? Is it possible that shes making it up for attention from Helen hence her strong reaction to you saying you would rush back to be there for her.
Usually my instinct is always to believe women but her reaction is odd. If I was scared...... I wouldnt initially care who helped as long as someone did. In the long term yes Id want a particular friend but in the moment something is happening....... anyone will do! Reading your post it sounded as if something isnt quite right with M

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/07/2023 21:54

@Threenow The suggestion was she should report to HR about the strange aggressive behaviour of the two women.

Ginger1982 · 14/07/2023 21:54

I would have done what you did in the circumstances but I would now step waaay back. Miranda clearly doesn't want your help so I would leave her, Helen and the creepy stalker to it. Can you move to other accommodation?

Flippertyfeckerty · 14/07/2023 21:55

You did the right thing. Miranda is ungrateful and the pair of them are batshit. Stay strong the last two weeks.

MouseMinge · 14/07/2023 21:55

If I was in her position I wouldn't give a flying fuck who was coming to help me as long as someone was. I think you are being treated horribly and they are being arseholes. You did the right thing, you went above and beyond and they need to wind their stupid necks in.

lilymani · 14/07/2023 21:56

Is the man thing even real? Usually there'd be no reason to suspect it wouldn't be, but it reads like the 2 women just wanted to spend time with each other secretly or something and are mad you intervened?! I mean it sounds bonkers, I can't wrap my mind around it either. If you fetched her friend for her what could she be displeased about except maybe if you were disrupting some secret arrangement?!

M4J4 · 14/07/2023 21:59

wutheringkites · 14/07/2023 20:58

Have you actually seen this stalker op? Are you sure he exists?

OP writes as if she has seen him so think that part is real:

He waits for her in the morning on her walk to and from work and knows full well none of us drive to work. Miranda smokes and he without fail approaches her every time she goes out.

lilymani · 14/07/2023 22:00

@Thepeopleversuswork 'even in countries where misogyny is tolerated that level of harassment would be considered unacceptable'

No I don't think so, have reported persistent stalkers near my place to police in London before and to my disbelief, they won't do anything. Things might've changed now after bad publicity but it's probably quite a toss up what reaction you get from the police.

I'm a foreigner too and suspect the reaction would be different if I wete a middle class Brit the same age – might not help that OP is foreign too.

But everything else sounds insane and makes me think that's not the full story too.

HamBone · 14/07/2023 22:01

In a real emergency, I’d be so grateful that someone answered the phone…which makes me think there’s something off about this so-called stalker situation.

As it’s just more two weeks, I’d just get on with your job and keep out of their way.

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 14/07/2023 22:04

How unbearable, they sound like bitchy children playing 3s a crowd. I suspect they're bitches that slag you off behind your back, and they've over dramatised this to make you the baddie, as if you're trying to block the BFFs rather than help someone who's apparently in danger. Ugh what are they 12?

Do you think she's over dramatising this stalker as well? If you were that in danger you'd take the first offer of help, not wait for precious Helen, to have the afternoon off, and you found her in the end how about thanks for that?

She would've called you next anyway right? And got the same response as Helen wasn't answering her bloody phone.

Keep being the classy grown up you are, if they bring it up again just say you're being very unprofessional blanking me, I'd use the same judgement again to help someone in immediate danger, if you're angry Helen wasn't available straight away take that up with her.

DogsAkimbo · 14/07/2023 22:18

Firstly, they’re definitely arseholes. But yeah, I bet they’re in a relationship and caught up in the drama of it all, damsel in distress and protector and it’s probably along the lines of ‘and then she answered your phone and refused to get you and said SHE was going to come home, blah blah…’

I’d see if you can get the place that they offered her. You can’t fix nuts!

Lemonfoxtrot · 14/07/2023 22:19

babbscrabbs · 14/07/2023 21:28

Ok my next theory;

Miranda got hammered and shagged the "stalker" guy before you arrived

Helen is the only one who knows

I think this sounds very plausible…

Qwerty111 · 14/07/2023 22:25

There’s no sense to any of Miranda’s actions or her and Helen’s reactions this time OP. You were alert and responsive to someone in danger.

if you or I were Miranda we would have been so grateful that you offered to go back. But you or I wouldn’t need rescuing because we would have moved as soon as it was offered.

If you or I were Helen we might be a bit miffed that someone answered our phone… but more cross with ourself for not keeping the phone with us when our friend is in danger.

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