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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I did nothing wrong and was actually very nice?

172 replies

timtamfan21 · 14/07/2023 20:00

I’m currently working abroad and living in a staff house with 2 other women (we’re all 30s professional's in a niché sector, not teenagers on a gap year for context!). We are only in mainland Europe and go home on weekends to see our families. We see each other at work but usually only briefly due to working different shift patterns, we’re all going home permanently in early August.

Will call one colleague Helen and one Miranda. I arrived 2 weeks after Helen and Miranda, my post got delayed due to a family crisis, we all knew OF each other but hadn’t met before. When I arrived last month they had already bonded quite well due to their kids sharing the same hobbies and being from the same part of the UK, so my arrival was always going to be a ‘3 is a crowd’ situation but I didn’t really care, I was there to work and was happy with just being friendly with them. They did make a nice effort to include me though and we had film evenings etc and evening trips together to see the local area/culture. We've all had cries about missing our DC at some point and have all supported each other through that.

Miranda has unfortunately become the victim of prolonged sexual harassment by a man who is a resident in an apartment in the complex opposite our staff home. He waits for her in the morning on her walk to and from work and knows full well none of us drive to work. Miranda smokes and he without fail approaches her every time she goes out. The behaviour has ramped up recently, with him chasing Miranda halfway to work shouting at her to come back. Miranda is, of course, absolutely terrified and me and Helen have been very supportive and one of us always walks her to work and meets her when she finishes a shift. Local police are aware but don’t seem bothered and say they can’t do anything until the man actually assaults Miranda, which I think is disgusting.

Yesterday was a rare occasion where me and Helen were both working the same shift, with Miranda being at home. We were both worried but Miranda insisted she’d just stay in and of course keep all the doors locked, promising to let one of us know if something happened. Helen had her lunch break first then I went on mine. Helen’s phone was left in the break room when she went back on shift, and I was quite shocked she’d forget it considering the Miranda situation. A few minutes later I was concerned when I noticed Miranda calling Helen’s phone. I’d never usually look at somebody else’s phone, but with Helen not being present, I decided to answer in case Miranda was in immediate danger.

Miranda was hyperventilating down the phone, and begging for me to put Helen on. I explained that Helen had gone back on shift and I didn’t know where in the huge building she would be by now. Miranda explained she had decided to nip out for some food but the bloke had come out onto the forecourt as she was leaving the house and started running towards her shouting, so she was now back in the apartment with the doors locked and didn’t know if he was outside but that it was quiet. I, in no uncertain terms, told Miranda to call the police ASAP and she said no, she wanted to see Helen first and that she reckoned the bloke had gone. The facility we work in is huge and it could’ve taken me ages to find Helen, so I said quite firmly to Miranda that I was coming home in case he was outside. Miranda then got quite nasty with me and said “What are you going to even be able to do? I want Helen.” I was quite upset by this butI let it go though because she was terrified and I could understand her wanting the friend she was closer to, so I go to find Helen.

Track down Helen about 15 minutes later who quickly speaks to our line manager then rushes home to see Miranda, and takes the rest of the day off to look after Miranda on the manager’s say so. In that time she supports Miranda in making a police statement. When I get home, they both immediately ask me to sit down and chastise me for answering Helen’s phone. I felt ganged up on and put on the spot. I was stunned and explained to Miranda that I had done it in case she was in danger, which she was, and pointed out that I was hurt she got so angry at my suggestion that I was coming back to see her instead of wasting time trying to track Helen down whilst the bloke could be trying to break into our house, and Miranda promptly went off to bed in a huff and Helen went for a walk. This morning neither of were speaking to me. I’ve worked all day and am currently in the airport to get my flight home for the weekend, but I’m getting a London flight and they are getting a different one together to a different UK city to see their own families there, which I’m relieved about because I couldn’t stand the image of them giving me daggers in the boarding lounge, it was bad enough running into them in the coffee shop before security where I approached them to wish them a safe flight home and a nice weekend with their families and got ignored. Will be boarding soon so won’t reply for a while but I genuinely want opinions of others because I can’t understand why they are being so nasty. I also accept the risk they may be MNetters but I don’t think it’s particularly likely. And if I’m wrong, well I’ll have to face the awkwardness for the 2 weeks remaining of the arrangement.

I feel shocked and now I just cannot wait for this work arrangement to be over. AIBU to think I didn’t do anything wrong?

OP posts:
Ineedsleepandcoffee · 14/07/2023 20:33

Well if you hadn't answered the phone she wouldn't have got help at all. They are being unreasonable.

timtamfan21 · 14/07/2023 20:34

but will quickly add that miranda took the attitude of she didn't see why she should lose this work opportunity because of the creep so took a stand

OP posts:
NotAllPets · 14/07/2023 20:35

timtamfan21 · 14/07/2023 20:31

NotAllPets

Well that's where it gets weirder because Miranda was offered to move to a different department with different accomadation but declined

It’s all definitely very odd. Surely if anyone was that frightened then they would choose to leave/move. They also wouldn’t go out of the apartment alone knowing he was waiting for her.

It’s all a bit weird, try and keep your head down for the remaining weeks and stay out of it I say.

CarolynKnappShappy · 14/07/2023 20:36

Have you reported this and the harassment and anxiety to the company (in writing) as it is stressful for all of you?

I would have done the same, as you.
So just ignore it, apologise and say if and when it happens again you will ignore it and not get involved.

M4J4 · 14/07/2023 20:37

Sounds like they’ve trauma bonded over the harassment (which does sound scary) and no one else is allowed to come in between.

I’d be thankful I arrived 2 weeks later and didn’t get enmeshed in their weirdness.

I would avoid them for the few 2 weeks, don’t even bother interacting with them.

TRexTara · 14/07/2023 20:37

They are drama queens OP. If what you have said is accurate and you haven't left anything important out, then you need to move on and move away and leave them to it.

Soubriquet · 14/07/2023 20:40

definitely not you. If I was Miranda I would have been really appreciative that you took the time to help.

Both of them are being ridiculous

TRexTara · 14/07/2023 20:40

Also you don't need to take their shit. Make your position very clear. Then get out of the situation. But please do stand up for yourself first. They are being very unfair to you.

Sewingdufus · 14/07/2023 20:40

The way you’ve retold it they sounds batshit. But they clearly think that you’ve overstepped. I also question what your company are doing to protect her. How much longer will you have to share accommodation? The situation sounds unsustainable. Is there any chance of an accommodation move without a change of role? I also agree with the suggestion that whilst their attitude is so hostile you distance yourself from both of them, including escorting Miranda.

PissOffJeffrey · 14/07/2023 20:40

Either there is more to Helen & Miranda's friendship than you know or there is more to the situation with the stalker than you know.

Keep out of their way for the next couple of weeks & then come home. It's a them problem. Not a you problem.

CaroleSinger · 14/07/2023 20:44

Another vote that you did nothing wrong. They both sound like a pair of drama queens, one loves the drama and the other loves being the saviour. Both sound as bad as eachother and I would not be getting sucked into any more of their drama. Leave them to get on with it.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 14/07/2023 20:48

I agree with everyone else OP, you definitely didn't do anything wrong, under the circumstances it was the girl who went on shift without her phone who did wrong, and I wonder whether she's mad at you because she actually got caught out, letting Miranda down, so decided attack is the best form of defence. I somehow doubt whether it would be viable, but under such circumstances, I would be telling my employer that I wanted them to put me up in a hotel as I was no longer happy to share a house with this pair of bitches, but I dare say as you only have a couple of weeks left, that they'll expect you to suck it up and stay put. If that's the case, I wouldn't even bother speaking to them, or being polite, I would just ignore them, and I certainly wouldn't be pandering to a woman who was stupid enough to go out alone under those circumstances, and then making a drama out of it when things went wrong. She's just plain stupid in my opinion. I hope that you get some relaxing time out over the weekend OP, and that the next 2 weeks aren't too unbearable.

TRexTara · 14/07/2023 20:52

Seriously OP, fuck them. Get away from both of them. You tried to do the right thing.

7eleven · 14/07/2023 20:52

Well you know not to worry about accompanying Miranda to work any more.

What an ungrateful person!

I’d say there’s more to all this than you know about and I’d keep out of the whole situation.

PoshPineapple · 14/07/2023 20:53

You did absolutely the right thing, OP. I'm really sorry, you must be feeling completely bewildered and hurt.

Hopefully they will both have had time to cool down over the weekend and perhaps you will be able to get to the bottom of it when you're all back next week.

YouOKHun · 14/07/2023 20:55

Either there is more to Helen & Miranda's friendship than you know or there is more to the situation with the stalker than you know

I agree with @PissOffJeffrey you haven’t done anything obviously wrong OP so I suspect you are more of an intrusion into their relationship than you realise or there is a bit of information you’ve not been made aware of regarding what’s been going on with the man (or both).

AutieNOT0tie · 14/07/2023 20:56

They are dicks. I'd give them a wide berth from now on

Fuckitydoodah · 14/07/2023 20:56

You did nothing wrong in the circumstances. They sound like incredibly hard work. I think they're both revelling in the drama of it all.

wutheringkites · 14/07/2023 20:58

Have you actually seen this stalker op? Are you sure he exists?

Mari9999 · 14/07/2023 20:58

@timtamfan21
A perfect example of no good deed going unpunished. Any sane adult, under the circumstances would have called the police before reaching out to a friend who was not on-site.

There is probably a backstory of which you're unaware.

TRexTara · 14/07/2023 21:01

Repeat after me OP: Fuck this shit.

Juanmartinez · 14/07/2023 21:02

Why in earth haven't you all reported this to the police? Sounds quite far fetched, have you seen this man yourself?

OOlivePenderghast · 14/07/2023 21:04

I think everyone’s given good advice already. It might be useful though to talk to HR or your line manager informally and explain what has happened just in case they complain about you.

M4J4 · 14/07/2023 21:05

Juanmartinez · 14/07/2023 21:02

Why in earth haven't you all reported this to the police? Sounds quite far fetched, have you seen this man yourself?

Did you even read the OP? She says:

Local police are aware but don’t seem bothered and say they can’t do anything until the man actually assaults Miranda

Saracen · 14/07/2023 21:05

You're right and they're wrong, but Miranda is under huge stress so I think you should rise above it and forgive her for her ingratitude.

Helen shouldn't have got involved at all, and I would have thought she could take a calm perspective, But given how close she is to Miranda, perhaps she is nearly as upset as Miranda at the stalking situation and is also unable to be rational at the moment.

Try not to take it personally. You know you did the right thing.