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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I did nothing wrong and was actually very nice?

172 replies

timtamfan21 · 14/07/2023 20:00

I’m currently working abroad and living in a staff house with 2 other women (we’re all 30s professional's in a niché sector, not teenagers on a gap year for context!). We are only in mainland Europe and go home on weekends to see our families. We see each other at work but usually only briefly due to working different shift patterns, we’re all going home permanently in early August.

Will call one colleague Helen and one Miranda. I arrived 2 weeks after Helen and Miranda, my post got delayed due to a family crisis, we all knew OF each other but hadn’t met before. When I arrived last month they had already bonded quite well due to their kids sharing the same hobbies and being from the same part of the UK, so my arrival was always going to be a ‘3 is a crowd’ situation but I didn’t really care, I was there to work and was happy with just being friendly with them. They did make a nice effort to include me though and we had film evenings etc and evening trips together to see the local area/culture. We've all had cries about missing our DC at some point and have all supported each other through that.

Miranda has unfortunately become the victim of prolonged sexual harassment by a man who is a resident in an apartment in the complex opposite our staff home. He waits for her in the morning on her walk to and from work and knows full well none of us drive to work. Miranda smokes and he without fail approaches her every time she goes out. The behaviour has ramped up recently, with him chasing Miranda halfway to work shouting at her to come back. Miranda is, of course, absolutely terrified and me and Helen have been very supportive and one of us always walks her to work and meets her when she finishes a shift. Local police are aware but don’t seem bothered and say they can’t do anything until the man actually assaults Miranda, which I think is disgusting.

Yesterday was a rare occasion where me and Helen were both working the same shift, with Miranda being at home. We were both worried but Miranda insisted she’d just stay in and of course keep all the doors locked, promising to let one of us know if something happened. Helen had her lunch break first then I went on mine. Helen’s phone was left in the break room when she went back on shift, and I was quite shocked she’d forget it considering the Miranda situation. A few minutes later I was concerned when I noticed Miranda calling Helen’s phone. I’d never usually look at somebody else’s phone, but with Helen not being present, I decided to answer in case Miranda was in immediate danger.

Miranda was hyperventilating down the phone, and begging for me to put Helen on. I explained that Helen had gone back on shift and I didn’t know where in the huge building she would be by now. Miranda explained she had decided to nip out for some food but the bloke had come out onto the forecourt as she was leaving the house and started running towards her shouting, so she was now back in the apartment with the doors locked and didn’t know if he was outside but that it was quiet. I, in no uncertain terms, told Miranda to call the police ASAP and she said no, she wanted to see Helen first and that she reckoned the bloke had gone. The facility we work in is huge and it could’ve taken me ages to find Helen, so I said quite firmly to Miranda that I was coming home in case he was outside. Miranda then got quite nasty with me and said “What are you going to even be able to do? I want Helen.” I was quite upset by this butI let it go though because she was terrified and I could understand her wanting the friend she was closer to, so I go to find Helen.

Track down Helen about 15 minutes later who quickly speaks to our line manager then rushes home to see Miranda, and takes the rest of the day off to look after Miranda on the manager’s say so. In that time she supports Miranda in making a police statement. When I get home, they both immediately ask me to sit down and chastise me for answering Helen’s phone. I felt ganged up on and put on the spot. I was stunned and explained to Miranda that I had done it in case she was in danger, which she was, and pointed out that I was hurt she got so angry at my suggestion that I was coming back to see her instead of wasting time trying to track Helen down whilst the bloke could be trying to break into our house, and Miranda promptly went off to bed in a huff and Helen went for a walk. This morning neither of were speaking to me. I’ve worked all day and am currently in the airport to get my flight home for the weekend, but I’m getting a London flight and they are getting a different one together to a different UK city to see their own families there, which I’m relieved about because I couldn’t stand the image of them giving me daggers in the boarding lounge, it was bad enough running into them in the coffee shop before security where I approached them to wish them a safe flight home and a nice weekend with their families and got ignored. Will be boarding soon so won’t reply for a while but I genuinely want opinions of others because I can’t understand why they are being so nasty. I also accept the risk they may be MNetters but I don’t think it’s particularly likely. And if I’m wrong, well I’ll have to face the awkwardness for the 2 weeks remaining of the arrangement.

I feel shocked and now I just cannot wait for this work arrangement to be over. AIBU to think I didn’t do anything wrong?

OP posts:
YourNameGoesHere · 14/07/2023 21:06

wutheringkites · 14/07/2023 20:58

Have you actually seen this stalker op? Are you sure he exists?

Call me cynical but honestly that was my first thought too.

The fact she refused to move when offered the chance and that she wouldn't accept anyone else's help or call the police and she continues to go outside alone all add to that suspicion.

You've done nothing wrong OP and I'd be keeping my head down because the whole thing sounds incredibly unbelievable.

BeautifulWar · 14/07/2023 21:07

You did the right thing.

You'd think someone that genuinely scared would be grateful for ANY help. I'll get flamed for this, but it sounds possible to me that Miranda is ramping up the drama for Helen's attention.

AliceOlive · 14/07/2023 21:08

NotAllPets · 14/07/2023 20:35

It’s all definitely very odd. Surely if anyone was that frightened then they would choose to leave/move. They also wouldn’t go out of the apartment alone knowing he was waiting for her.

It’s all a bit weird, try and keep your head down for the remaining weeks and stay out of it I say.

It's all very odd. Any chance you can move to a different accommodation for the remainder of the time? I wouldn't feel very safe there, either.

dapsnotplimsolls · 14/07/2023 21:09

I'm glad I'm not the only one wondering if they've made the whole thing up.

wutheringkites · 14/07/2023 21:11

The whole thing sounds like the plot to a Single White Female type thriller - Miranda doesn't have kids at all but is obsessed with Helen and had invented the stalker to bring Helen closer. You're just in the way op.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 14/07/2023 21:11

Are you sure Miranda and Helen aren't having an affair with each other? Have you actually seen this man doing the big dramatic things like chasing her and shouting, or have you just seen him hanging around outside? This drama is the perfect thing to exaggerate so they can get some one on one time. If I were you I'd try and arrange different accommodation, there must be other staff starting and leaving at various times.

wutheringkites · 14/07/2023 21:13

@YourNameGoesHere

Exactly, I would have accepted the offer to move in a heartbeat. It's not like the flat she's in is her home.

midsomermurderess · 14/07/2023 21:16

A bit weird, and childish to be ignoring you? Are you at CERN or something?

AliceOlive · 14/07/2023 21:17

BiscuitsandPuffin · 14/07/2023 21:11

Are you sure Miranda and Helen aren't having an affair with each other? Have you actually seen this man doing the big dramatic things like chasing her and shouting, or have you just seen him hanging around outside? This drama is the perfect thing to exaggerate so they can get some one on one time. If I were you I'd try and arrange different accommodation, there must be other staff starting and leaving at various times.

I wondered that, too.

CountryStore · 14/07/2023 21:23

JazzyBBG · 14/07/2023 20:20

Are they more than friends? Only explanation I can think of.

I thought the same

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 14/07/2023 21:24

They sound like a couple of almost middle aged mean girls. Tell them exactly what you think of them then ignore.

babbscrabbs · 14/07/2023 21:26

timtamfan21 · 14/07/2023 20:31

NotAllPets

Well that's where it gets weirder because Miranda was offered to move to a different department with different accomadation but declined

My first thought was they're having an affair too, or Miranda has feelings towards Helen

cunningartificer · 14/07/2023 21:27

You did nothing wrong and plenty right. Ignore them and their drama; you've been polite and made your motives clear; you got Helen to help when asked, you answered a ringing phone when you knew the person on the other end was potentially in danger. I agree with others there may be more to it or they may love the drama but in any case ignore them back and be glad it's only a couple more weeks to go!

babbscrabbs · 14/07/2023 21:28

Ok my next theory;

Miranda got hammered and shagged the "stalker" guy before you arrived

Helen is the only one who knows

Phoenixrising2020 · 14/07/2023 21:30

I haven't got time to read the full thread but I actually feel hurt for you! You did the best thing in the moment and if they don't appreciate you it is truly their loss. You sound like a great friend, we need more women like you.

Denimdreams · 14/07/2023 21:31

Some people use others to dump their feelings of anger ( about other things) on.
They grab any opportunity to mark you as " wrong"
It's called misplacement of anger.
It's a sign of poor coping skills and emotional disregulation.
Often situations are manufactured.

wutheringkites · 14/07/2023 21:32

babbscrabbs · 14/07/2023 21:28

Ok my next theory;

Miranda got hammered and shagged the "stalker" guy before you arrived

Helen is the only one who knows

Or Miranda met him in a bar one night, went back to his place and spilt red wine all over his white sofa and carpet and he wants her to pay the cleaning bill.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/07/2023 21:33

Merryoldgoat · 14/07/2023 20:14

They sound like a pair of arseholes.

Yeah, this.

Normally I think phones are private property not to be touched by others except for dire emergency. It might have been better if you'd taken Helen her phone and let her deal with it.

But your intentions were kind and their response is childish and unfair. Good riddance to them. In your shoes I would no longer change my schedule or exert myself to assist either one of them. How rude to snub you in the airport.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/07/2023 21:34

AliceOlive · 14/07/2023 21:17

I wondered that, too.

I wondered the same. Are they a potential couple?

Honeybeesintrees · 14/07/2023 21:34

VeridicalVagabond · 14/07/2023 20:08

I don't think you did anything wrong, no. You were trying to help and now they're both being disproportionately nasty to you. I can understand Miranda being irrational in the moment, she was scared and humans can be very irrational when scared. But having a pop at you afterwards was uncalled for.

I personally wouldn't be helping her anymore with this stalker situation once you get back though, since she clearly doesn't appreciate it. Let Helen be the one putting herself in danger walking her to and from everywhere. Ignore the pair of them and focus on work and getting to August so you can go home for good.

Agree with this, I wouldn't be walking her anywhere after how they treated you. You did nothing wrong at all and they are taking out the situation on you. Let them get on with it, keep your head down and get through the next few weeks! Good luck

Threenow · 14/07/2023 21:35

You did nothing wrong and were trying to help. I agree with a pp - they are a pair of drama queens. Unfortunately you are stuck with them for a few weeks, just be polite and slightly aloof. I wouldn't be bothering to support Miranda any more and if she wants Helen so much then Helen can do the supporting. Back right off from it.

I've just read your update that Miranda was offered alternative accomodation and turned it down, which only reinforces my suggestion. They do indeed sound like silly bitches.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 14/07/2023 21:37

I think you should speak to HR, Miranda needs to be safeguarded and you need to protect yourself

Kissedbyfire1 · 14/07/2023 21:38

babbscrabbs · 14/07/2023 21:28

Ok my next theory;

Miranda got hammered and shagged the "stalker" guy before you arrived

Helen is the only one who knows

It’s this.

Ridemeginger · 14/07/2023 21:38

If you were genuinely in danger, would you be picking and choosing who comes to help you, and willing for help to be delayed while the "correct" helper in located? Something doesn't add up.

Threenow · 14/07/2023 21:39

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 14/07/2023 21:37

I think you should speak to HR, Miranda needs to be safeguarded and you need to protect yourself

Why does OP have to speak to HR, does Miranda not have a tongue? I would assume that as she has been offered a move to another department and accomodation then they already know. I think she is thriving on the drama!