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Original poster

Don't understand how you be happy after children grow up

455 replies

tikitikitembonoSaRembo · 14/07/2023 10:20

I know it's not normal but I can't understand people who don't feel this way, but I want to.

My two children are beginning to do many more things without me as they grow, want to be alone. I've realised I don't spend half the time with them I used to.

I was a very hands on mother, didn't work during the first few years, then worked around school and would take them out twice a week, spend Saturdays playing with them.

I even have things in my own life. I'm part of a local group which I love and I still work but I feel like my identity and life are slipping away and I don't know how to be happy without being my children's world.

Maybe I messed up along the way but it's this crippling depression.

I know I can go out, meet people, stay up late etc. as I become free of my children, but I don't want to be free of them. I should have had six and gave my life to it but I realised too late that I loved being a mother and only had two.

I'm single and I own my home so could sell up in a few years I suppose, but I don't want to, all our memories are in this house.

I don't feel my children are my whole identity but they are the best thing about my life and I don't think anything could trump it.

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 14/07/2023 10:27

Sounds like you need a puppy, OP.

BumWhisperers · 14/07/2023 10:29

It's not about stopping spending time with them, but the way you spend time together changes. You might ha e a period in the teen/young adult years where you dont see them as much but other than that, you can still go for days out, to concerts, for breakfast etc together maybe once a month or so - it really depends on location as well when they move out.
Id focus now on quality time together that isnt forced on them - moving towards more grown up endeavours together
It is hard, but so worth it. If you try and cling on then you could end up pushing them away

Original poster
tikitikitembonoSaRembo · 14/07/2023 10:29

stargirl1701 · 14/07/2023 10:27

Sounds like you need a puppy, OP.

I have animals and they can't fill this void. I'm looking for something that will help me understand this and thus find a proper answer. It's terrifying me. I realised I didn't speak to my mother regularly. I've woken up to their cuddles every day for years and seen their faces fall to sleep every night.

I'll feel empty when they're gone, and as they disappear animals or no animals. I love our animals. It's not the same.

OP posts:
redskytwonight · 14/07/2023 10:30

You need something else to focus on. (A job that's for you rather than just one that fits round the children?)

It's not good for your children either for your sense of worth to be so tied up in what they do.

Babdoc · 14/07/2023 10:35

Would you consider being a foster mother, OP? That way, you can still have the experience of living with children. Be warned, it would be a lot more challenging as the children will often be severely damaged by abuse or neglect. But you could approach your local social work department to discuss the possibility.

3dogsandarabbit · 14/07/2023 10:37

At the moment OP your children growing up and needing you less is all new so it's bound to feel strange but you will get used to it and it will eventually feel normal. Also don't forget as our children grow up and lead independent lives we change too.

Motnight · 14/07/2023 10:37

Babdoc · 14/07/2023 10:35

Would you consider being a foster mother, OP? That way, you can still have the experience of living with children. Be warned, it would be a lot more challenging as the children will often be severely damaged by abuse or neglect. But you could approach your local social work department to discuss the possibility.

Op shouldn't become a foster parent to try and fill a void in her life.

Original poster
tikitikitembonoSaRembo · 14/07/2023 10:41

redskytwonight · 14/07/2023 10:30

You need something else to focus on. (A job that's for you rather than just one that fits round the children?)

It's not good for your children either for your sense of worth to be so tied up in what they do.

It's not really that. I have a million things to do but ever since I became a mother I just found it the most wonderful thing in the world and adored my children more than anything.

I want them to go and be independent, I feel like they're dying. Maybe it was a mistake to be so involved but how can that be? I nurtured them too much? What was I supposed to do? I will just miss them so much, I can already feel it.

Guess I need a counsellor. My children don't know I feel this way, that would be cruel on them.

OP posts:
LegendsBeyond · 14/07/2023 10:41

I don’t understand this mindset at all. It’s normal and healthy for children to become independent & live their own lives. Find a new purpose & don’t smother your children whatever you do.

ssd · 14/07/2023 10:46

I totally get it. Its a loss, like a slow bereavement. You want your children to be capable and independent...and then they are, and you wave them off with a big smile and go home and cry. It's part of life, part of being a mum.

I've no suggestions op, its just something we all go through.

Ponoka7 · 14/07/2023 10:49

Whatever is going on, your life isn't fulfilling you. That's what you need to focus on and decide how to fill that gap. I enjoyed having children and I'm my DD'S childcare, as well as offering to babysit for other people. But I'd stopped enjoying being single, so got with my now partner (after dating). We do revaluate our lives from time to time, perhaps you are just doing that and are still grieving the last stage before moving on to the next.

Thisisthescene · 14/07/2023 10:49

tikitikitembonoSaRembo · 14/07/2023 10:41

It's not really that. I have a million things to do but ever since I became a mother I just found it the most wonderful thing in the world and adored my children more than anything.

I want them to go and be independent, I feel like they're dying. Maybe it was a mistake to be so involved but how can that be? I nurtured them too much? What was I supposed to do? I will just miss them so much, I can already feel it.

Guess I need a counsellor. My children don't know I feel this way, that would be cruel on them.

Show quote history

How do you mean you feel like they're dying?

It's definitely painful but also very rewarding watching them grow up and move away.

Original poster
tikitikitembonoSaRembo · 14/07/2023 10:49

ssd · 14/07/2023 10:46

I totally get it. Its a loss, like a slow bereavement. You want your children to be capable and independent...and then they are, and you wave them off with a big smile and go home and cry. It's part of life, part of being a mum.

I've no suggestions op, its just something we all go through.

I'm glad to know it's something we all go through.

OP posts:
Thisisthescene · 14/07/2023 10:50

ssd · 14/07/2023 10:46

I totally get it. Its a loss, like a slow bereavement. You want your children to be capable and independent...and then they are, and you wave them off with a big smile and go home and cry. It's part of life, part of being a mum.

I've no suggestions op, its just something we all go through.

Yes this is very true

Anniejameslastcallanniejames · 14/07/2023 10:52

I had a conversation similar with my stepmum recently. Im 10 years older than my brothers who still live at home and they are in their early 20’s now. She said when I moved out she would lay awake at night and worry and she said she would cry because she missed me, but my brothers were still younger so kept her busy. Now although they live at home, they have jobs, girlfriends etc we all have our own lives - she is so sad and feels like we don’t need her anymore. She has my dad and still works and an active social life but is finding it hard that we are not around as much. I think you just need a bit of time to adjust that’s all, its good that you are aware of how you feel. You’re children will ALWAYS need you and want you, it just changes to an adult relationship which you will enjoy. ❤️

TeaKitten · 14/07/2023 10:53

How old are your children OP? I sort of get how you feel, I absolutely love being a mum and my DH had an affair and left a year ago and this is something I worry about now because they’ve needed me even more and they are my whole world. They are just the best little people on this planet and I don’t want to spend time with anyone else really. I have a full time job etc but I just enjoy their company. But luckily I’ve noticed this early on and am making moves to make sure I don’t end up leaning on them. I don’t own them, they aren’t ‘mine’, and I want to make sure I enjoy watching them become independent and hopefully go out on their own eventually. Counselling may help you and you really need to reframe your thinking and enjoy the next phase of them. They aren’t dying, they are growing and it’s great.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 14/07/2023 10:56

I sort of feel like this as mine become teens. I’m dreading them leaving home and there will be a massive void, there’s no doubt about that. I will consider getting a puppy!

But I work in a demanding career so I fully expect to keep that going and even progress further. I’ll be late 40s by the time they leave home so I hope for many years of meaningful work and purpose.

one thing I’ve done is arranged to take some unpaid leave this summer so I can spend the summer holidays with them uninterrupted by work. I’m looking forward to the time with them as I fully expect that next year they might not be so keen to spend time with me, but I’ll be ok with that having taken the time this summer.

FeedMeTiramisu · 14/07/2023 10:57

My children are 10 and 7.

I see my future self in your post.

SchoolShenanigans · 14/07/2023 10:59

Do you want to feel needed?

I can't really relate OP to be honest. I have three young children and I regularly feel overwhelmed.

I wonder if it's because you're single. Are you feeling lonely? Yes, you can have hobbies, but living alone, or with kids who are out and about most of the time is going to be lonely unless you love your own company all the time.

Marchintospring · 14/07/2023 11:00

Did you not have a life before? Are you young?

It goes back to that life but with the bonus of having had children.

Start thinking of them as independent people rather than young children. It’s definitely horrible when they leave home but it’s like the end of anything that’s been good really. And they come back.

pickledandpuzzled · 14/07/2023 11:04

How old are they? A lot of teens go through an extremely unpleasant stage precisely to help you all adjust!
You heave a sigh of relief for some peace and quiet!

Mine didn't and I needed to adjust.

You need something to nurture, something to do that's easier without the DC, as well as friends and hobbies.

It's ok. You do adjust, honestly!

Peacoffee · 14/07/2023 11:04

Honestly this is not normal. To feel a bit sad at times gone by sure, but to feel like your children are dying because they are growing up is not healthy.

Your children are their own people, they need space without you as well as spending time with you.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/07/2023 11:07

To liken it to them dying is worrying - might you actually be depressed? It might be worth some therapy.

They don't go. They just stretch. They'll still want some time with you. They may well start their own families and you can dip in with help/support.

redskytwonight · 14/07/2023 11:08

tikitikitembonoSaRembo · 14/07/2023 10:49

I'm glad to know it's something we all go through.

Show quote history

yes- being a bit sad is normal. Feeling like they are dying and the level of emptiness you describe is not.

MumblesParty · 14/07/2023 11:08

How old are your children OP?

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