Don't understand how you be happy after children grow up

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I know it's not normal but I can't understand people who don't feel this way, but I want to.

My two children are beginning to do many more things without me as they grow, want to be alone. I've realised I don't spend half the time with them I used to.

I was a very hands on mother, didn't work during the first few years, then worked around school and would take them out twice a week, spend Saturdays playing with them.

I even have things in my own life. I'm part of a local group which I love and I still work but I feel like my identity and life are slipping away and I don't know how to be happy without being my children's world.

Maybe I messed up along the way but it's this crippling depression.

I know I can go out, meet people, stay up late etc. as I become free of my children, but I don't want to be free of them. I should have had six and gave my life to it but I realised too late that I loved being a mother and only had two.

I'm single and I own my home so could sell up in a few years I suppose, but I don't want to, all our memories are in this house.

I don't feel my children are my whole identity but they are the best thing about my life and I don't think anything could trump it.

You probably need a counsellor.

Sounds like you did it completely right, you focused on them when it was the right time, you were there. You will have none of the regrets that the ones who focused too much on their "me time" suddenly feel, when they realised they should have spent more time with their children and they miss out.
You did the right thing.

You will always be in your children's world, but differently. It can be just as good. It's hard when the toddler grows and leaves you to go to school, it's hard when the child becomes a teenager and start going on holiday with friends.. but it brings a different relationship.

You will always be their mum. Maybe you need a job more fulfilling, more clubs that you love, so you can enjoy your free time but are still around when the kids come and visit. I think it's lovely when they grow up and show you they were raised right, they are independent and happy.

I suggest volunteering.
Do a couple of different things, start with a small commitment and see what it leads to.

I think it’s normal to an extent but it sounds like you’re at extreme end of the scale for grieving the end of your children’s childhood and dependency on you.

It sounds like counselling or life coaching might be useful for you, to navigate through this period of re-defining your perceived purpose in life and making peace with the end of an era of your life that you’ve cherished.

It’s so fascinating to see how this comes full circle.
As a new mum of a 6 month old I’m finding it hard to let go of my old life and my freedoms, being able to leave the house whenever I want, go for a meal and drinks whenever I want. I feel like I look forward to when my kids will be older and more independent.
But now you’re at the tail end of it and probably want what I have with having a new baby.
It makes it clearer why people say to you to take it all in while they’re small because one day they’ll fly the nest.

Can you talk to some mums of even older children. I've only got little ones but I see so much more of my own parents now because they're involved with the kids and support us if we need it (eg recently when everyone was off school sick and I was trying to juggle work).
There was a period from about 22 to 35 where I only saw my parents a few times a year but now it's at least once a week.
So my point is that although it's an adjustment, they're not dying they're living - but in the future they may once again need you more than they do now. It's not a linear thing

I feel this way. Weekends are already miserable. They want to hang out at home - no more excitement about park visits and library visits. They do still come with me, but they aren’t as enthusiastic any more. I want to go out and splash in puddles with my wellies and do Forest School activities together.

My eldest is 13 and I have 3 younger ones. They do still like days out and museums, visiting new places - but I can see this time trickling away.

Mine have only 5 years between eldest and youngest and the best times of my life were when they were babies and toddlers. I feel like I will never have those feelings again. I live for thé school holidays when we are together most of the time and there is no school and work. I miss them every day they are at school :-(

I’m dreading the empty nest when they leave.

:-(

i do keep myself busy - I have hobbies and groups of friends who are child free as well as ‘mum’ friends. I work and I volunteer at a local primary school as well. I do try to make my life as fulfilling as possible, but it’s not the same as being a mum to young children :-(

Don't forget you'll still always be their Mum, and they'll always be your children. It sounds like you don't think you'll be a Mum once they've grown up but you absolutely will be. Maybe try focussing on the positives as well - I can't wait to hang out with my children as adults, when they have full adult lives. I'm so excited for who they'll be at that age. Mine are 12 and 8 so I realise I'm not there yet but I like them more and more the more they become people, it's such a joy.

Ok I’ve had two leave and the last will probably go in about 4 years time. What I would say is by the time they are 18 you just sort of feel ready, they are adults, so an extra adult in the house. They are still your kids but it doesn’t feel like mothering a small child anymore. The dynamic shifts. I missed each one going (and youngest will be hardest), but at the same time I look forward to the next phase.

Mind you I will be 59 when youngest leaves for Uni, I’m bloody knackered 😂

I think I might be broken as I love them getting more independent. I think my favourite years were 6-9, because they were easy to entertain on days out. But I like that I’m not needed constantly. I find mothering claustrophobic.

I do occasionally look at photos of little dc and remember their lovely cuddles. But mostly it was exhausting. I love being myself again, being able to go out without them etc.

I think counselling or therapy would help, there could be underlying reasons why you are having these feelings.

I'd agree with this. I loved having my children young and yearn for those days regularly. I have a very full life now that I enjoy but would go back in a heartbeat.
I'm the wistful looking woman in the park whenever I see young families haveing a lovely time, and am maudlin at Christmas, wishing I could do the whole Santa thing again.

@lilsupersparks I can't relate to enjoying toddlers and babies most - I like them so much more when they have proper personalities and opinions of their own. It's magic to me that they're whole people (or becoming them!)

No it isn't.

I've never felt anything like that

I know exactly what you mean. I realised a few months after my youngest left home that I was suffering a strange grief. I looked into empty nest syndrome and mid life crises but it was different. I realised when I came through it all (2.5 years later) that it was grief. I think the loss of my son as a child, so to speak was quite traumatic. I have older dc and couldn't wait for them to leave but the youngest felt like an acute deep loss. I think looking back it triggered other feelings associated with the loss of my parents when younger and I had almost buried those feelings and not dealt with them. When you said you felt like they were dying I had the same feeling, but it just reminded me of when my mother was dying. I'm over it now and life has taken off again. And I'm so bloody thankful I didn't get the puppy I craved for those 2 years!! You'll get through it but counselling helps.

I want them to go and be independent, I feel like they're dying

This is totally OTT and you do need professional help.

Feeling like this is not normal. You sound obsessed.

OP, you can't live your life through other people, and that includes children. It is so sad to read that you think the kids are all that matters. There is so much more to life and you are valuable as a person in your own right, not just as someone's parent. Seek some therapy and do things for YOU.... work, hobbies, volunteering, travel, church, whatever.

I think you’ve unknowingly used your children as a substitute for a relationship, now they don’t want to spend so much time with you and don’t need you as much you don’t have anything to fill that void, so it feels like a huge loss. I would suggest trying to find a partner and/or some new friends.

When my mum dropped me off at university for the first time she cried and I just couldn’t understand it, but now it’s me dropping my kids off at uni and I totally get it!

I do feel really sad when I think that all the little years are gone and I find it overwhelming if I think too much so I try and focus on here and now. My dd and I are going for a coffee and book shopping on Saturday (and at least I’ll get a chance to read a book rather than mummeeee…). And when I picked up ds from football this week, we had a real giggle about something on the way home even though he’s usually a grumpy teen.

Dh and I (plus dog) are buying a campervan to tour europe once ds is at uni so I’m looking forward to that adventure.

Active mothering has a limited shelf life. That's not a secret.
I fully get people with primary age DCs dreading DCs growing up and moving away. Don't worry, you have years more snuggles ahead of you.
But surely a lot of us are very happy to see our DCs fly in late teens? They make us so proud when they do that!

Firstly, your children's growing independence might change some aspects of your job description but it doesn't make you redundant. You may not need to be wiping their noses but you'll be kept pretty busy with other things, most likely long after they've grown to adulthood. Parenting is a long game and while some people particularly enjoy the early stages, there comes a time when you have to embrace the new challenges and rewards of the next.
Secondly, you're imagining the future through the lens of the present. Most of us find that when the time comes for less to be required of us, we are actually more than ready for it. Nature can be pretty sensible in that regard, matching demand to our capacity.
And finally, the changes you dread are incremental. Its not a sudden fall off the cliff. Day be day, little by little the changes are barely discernable leaving plenty of time for adjustment along the way. Try not to waste time you could be enjoying in the present anticipating a sorrow you may never actually have to feel.

Excellent post, very well put!

Respectfully, I think you need some therapy OP. Looking at this from your children's perspective and it would be a huge weight to bear. You sound v.codependent, and the sooner you can start to unwind your identity from those of your children's the better, for their sakes. Good luck x

Well one of mine's 25. He will never live independently, I'm actively parenting him as if he were a much younger child. You really don't want this for yourself or for your child.

I feel exactly the same. We only managed to have one because DD was so premature and a second would have been too risky, and she’s now 13 and I’m realising how much less time we spend together and how much more she can do without me. I saw a family yesterday with 2 little ones, maybe 3 and 1, and it made me so sad to think that DD is so far past that age and also that we had always planned to have at least 2.

Maybe OP just loves being around small children - that’s not a crime. If she enjoys that more than a high powered career or endless socialising with friends, why not develop a career around it? Become a child minder, nanny, foster parent, baby sitter, primary school teaching assistant, whatever will fill the need until her grandchildren come along.
So many PPs are reacting as if OP is mentally ill for simply missing being a hands on mum.
Some women are just more maternal and invested in nurturing roles than the rest of us.
Personally, I prefer my children now they are interesting, funny, equal adults that I can have great conversations with and visit regularly without the drudgery of nappies etc, but each to their own!