Don't understand how you be happy after children grow up

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I know it's not normal but I can't understand people who don't feel this way, but I want to.

My two children are beginning to do many more things without me as they grow, want to be alone. I've realised I don't spend half the time with them I used to.

I was a very hands on mother, didn't work during the first few years, then worked around school and would take them out twice a week, spend Saturdays playing with them.

I even have things in my own life. I'm part of a local group which I love and I still work but I feel like my identity and life are slipping away and I don't know how to be happy without being my children's world.

Maybe I messed up along the way but it's this crippling depression.

I know I can go out, meet people, stay up late etc. as I become free of my children, but I don't want to be free of them. I should have had six and gave my life to it but I realised too late that I loved being a mother and only had two.

I'm single and I own my home so could sell up in a few years I suppose, but I don't want to, all our memories are in this house.

I don't feel my children are my whole identity but they are the best thing about my life and I don't think anything could trump it.

What about looking into respite fostering or full time fostering? Sounds like you have the home for it, the heart for it and the time for it. children who are over the age of 6/7 years old are often long term fostered now rather than adopted (due to the number of adoptions being unsuccessful at this age). you could apply to do weekend or holiday fostering too regularly for families.

Behaviours and feelings are two different things.

Yeah they go.

But they come back and are hugely entertaining. I honestly think there’s nothing better than hanging out with adult children.❤️

Two different things that inform each other. Neediness can be felt as well as observed.

Assumptions that I'm behaving in a way that harms my children is specious though and also potentially hurtful. Just saying.

I'm not trying to hurt you. Im trying to give you a wider perspective of how it feels to be needed in an unhealthy way by ones parent. I can imagine it feels quite uncomfortable to hear, but thats OK - thats how we figure things out.

No one has hurt me as it's simply not the case, but the insight has been helpful as I said.

My comment about "these" comments was not about yours, but more a theme on the thread.

I still appreciate it all as it's been helpful. Just saying they are potentially hurtful.

Well, one of yours is only 9, so maybe you will feel differently by the time she is 18.

I'm sure I will, I just needed a bit of insight.

Are your children teenagers? Hopefully they’re not yet as those years are absolutely grim. I felt the same as you until my gorgeous, biddable, loving children became surly, sulky, argumentative, lazy- do I need to go on?- teenagers. I could not wait to see the back of them but once they reached their mid twenties we became friends again and we laugh about those awful years now. But, I haven’t forgotten the horror of those years. Perhaps your children will be equally grim and you will feel the same ?!

Another poster beat me to it, yes, empty nest syndrome.
Mine are 21, 20, 18, 16 and 5. The eldest has moved out, the 2nd won't be for a couple of years as he's disabled (his choice). The 3rd is off to uni. And every time one of them have turned 18, its a kick in the gut feeling. But I know that I have raised them to WANT to find their feet in the world, and that helps ease the sadness.
Although with the 5 year old I get to live it for quite a while longer, and that is amazing. My brother, through no fault of our DMs or his own still lives at home, he is 26, and my Mum openly admits she knows she will definitely get empty nest syndrome, but she is in no way holding him back.

Hello OP. I notice you say you can’t afford counselling. In lieu of that I’d recommend you explore your feeling more yourself, and if you can with a close friend. I’d recommend 2 different things. I am not a professional but I’ve done a lot of self exploration and can tell you what I’d do in your situation.

firstly don’t lock the feelings away. They’re real and don’t waste any headspace on wondering if you ‘should’ feel like that. You do and that’s all that matters. So explore further - what is it you’re worried about… them changing? Well they’re going to but what is it about that that bothers you… that you think they will no longer need you? Once you get to the point that’s really bothering you don’t dismiss it. Hold it and explore it. And think about what you can do to affect the bits you are worried about.

For example: I have cancer. My fear is that I’m not going to see my children grow up. That I’m going to leave them too young. that I’m not going to be there to help them.
when I think about it I get very upset. So I hold the thought. The reality is that I probably won’t get to see them turn into adults. I know that. But wallowing in the thought won’t help anyone. what is it about that really worries me? I’m worried that they’ll need me and not be able to go elsewhere to get what they need. Ok. Got it. Now, what are the parts of this that I can change. I cant do much to affect my chances of being around - I can take any offered treatment. I decided early on that I would take whatever I could and with that decision made I move on. It’s no longer a stress. So what can I do to help them otherwise? I can make sure they’re financially secure. What else? I can try to put support in place so that they have adults to talk through through the teenage angst, whilst I know their dad will provide for them they’ll need someone to talk to. I make a plan for that. And with that done I accept that there isn’t anything more I can do, and worrying about what I cant affect helps no one.

Then secondly, I’d explore mindfulness. Simple mindfulness exercises are designed to make you more present in the moment, in today. Today you get to pick your 9 year old up from school. Today you get to plan your 15 year olds 16th birthday party. Etc. and it focuses you in the moment. It’s not dismissing that there will be a time when you’re no longer planning birthday parties but it’s focussing you on the here and now and what you are doing.

And really, when all is said and done all we ever had was a series of todays.

@Dammitthisisshit What a brave post, thank you. I'm not the OP but it has made me think.

Empty nest syndrome - it sounds like you are going through it a little earlier than usual. Look it up OP. It’s not unusual, or abnormal, or anything else some posters on here may be saying it is or you are. Get the help you need to work through your emotions before your children leave home. My mom almost had a complete breakdown when me and my sister left home. She got the help she needed, via the GP, and is now a fully functioning, normal and happy human being.

It takes time to adjust but I’m sure, with a little help, you will be just fine xx

OP

Your children are meant to grow up. The alternative is a child that grows physically and not mentally; a child with an Intellectual Disability who may never achieve independence may need constant care from you/carers.

Take this time as just a window in time and look after yourself - your children will come back to you after this time of exploring the world and finding their way- they still need you and maybe you’ll have grandchildren too! Before you know it !

I could have written your post. My eldest is away at university two hours away and my youngest goes in September even further. I am not ready for her to leave home. I’m praying that she takes a gap year. I remember my mum feeling the same when we left home. It hurts but we will all find a new way.

Aww if its too late to have more children i agree with previous poster, get a puppy, not same as a child but still. I too will cheer on my children when they grow up but also dread it as i know i will miss them, i have taken it step further already my children dont go to nurseries or school and i just had my 5th baby.. i hope my children will share my enthusiasm about motherhood and bless me with lots of grandchildren :)

Some thoughtful posts here. OP, with the best intentions and goodwill towards you, you really do need to address your rather extreme feelings on this and seek help. You CAN get counselling on the NHS, talk to your GP about your depression and emotional state and you will get a referral. It'll take time. Talk to adult friends with kids about this. Start planning things that you can really look forward to when your nest is empty - travel if possible, a new relationship, a really different passtime. Dog sounds a great idea!

Don't lose sight of the fact that your feelings are normal (if extreme) and it's something that we all (with kids) go through. You will never stop being a mother, they are always your kids. As they get older they'll want independence but also might want to live with you a bit longer, or go on family holidays with you - these things don't just stop at age 18!

The alternatives - as suggested by various posters - to allowing your children to reach adulthood and be independent, are not great. You could have a life-limiting illness and not have the privilege to see this happen. They could. Or they could be disabled/have learning disabilities and never be able to live independently. My older son is mid-teens and I know I'll miss him being in the house dreadfully when he goes to university, but he knows he's always welcome to live here. My younger son is severely autistic and has LDs and will never, ever be able to live independently. Most people look forward to their retirements, safe in the knowledge that their grown-up children have lives of their own and are independent. DH and I will NEVER have that. We will die knowing our younger son is forever as a child and will forever rely on someone to keep him alive and safe. Think about that.

You arent being unreasonable OP but the art of staying sane is to realise that ahh this is the way of things - kids are meant to grow and fly the nest

Nows the time to do all those crazy things you never got the chance to do - and its fkin ace

Yes you could get counselling on the NHS, but by the time the appointment comes, you will likely be a Grandma.

Honestly, come in to the kid free pool, the water is F-I-N-E

One thing stands out in one of your posts.You talk about my babies They are not babies at 9 and 15.
Of course I can understand that your feeling are normal, but a bit OTT.it must be very difficult for you.
I remember my Mum in law saying that when my husband went to Uni at 19, she couldn't go into his room for weeks as it made her cry, couldn't change the sheets or clean away his bottles of after shave.She wanted to keep his smell.
He thought that was very weird !

No, we don't "all" go through it. Some of us actually understand we aren't indispensable and that children having their own lives is, y'know, the whole point
OP, honestly you should get some counselling because this level of emotional dependence isn't good for any of you.

I think the other poster meant 'we all go through kids growing up and leaving home' - that is what I took from it anyway :)

I guess it is how we deal with it, that matters, - and granted, it is not easy

Never let your children know that this is how you feel.

My mum did and it ruined our relationship for good, we are now estranged. I have multiple mental health problems as a result of it all. Find a therapist, today.