Don't understand how you be happy after children grow up

[tikitikitembonoSaRembo]

I know it's not normal but I can't understand people who don't feel this way, but I want to.

My two children are beginning to do many more things without me as they grow, want to be alone. I've realised I don't spend half the time with them I used to.

I was a very hands on mother, didn't work during the first few years, then worked around school and would take them out twice a week, spend Saturdays playing with them.

I even have things in my own life. I'm part of a local group which I love and I still work but I feel like my identity and life are slipping away and I don't know how to be happy without being my children's world.

Maybe I messed up along the way but it's this crippling depression.

I know I can go out, meet people, stay up late etc. as I become free of my children, but I don't want to be free of them. I should have had six and gave my life to it but I realised too late that I loved being a mother and only had two.

I'm single and I own my home so could sell up in a few years I suppose, but I don't want to, all our memories are in this house.

I don't feel my children are my whole identity but they are the best thing about my life and I don't think anything could trump it.

well, i never went through it. I haven't tied my entire identity around being a mum though (not that i think you have, OP, you do seem to do a lot of other things too)

You do sound as though you might benefit from therapy though? It's a fact of life that if we do parenthood correctly they pull away from us. That's as it is supposed to be. You may need help coming to terms with it though.

I feel like they're dying

FFS, you’re being ridiculous.

Do you realise that there are actual bereaved parents reading this? Your children aren’t dying- be thankful and get some therapy.

I truly suggest you try counselling. What you are feeling about your children dying is unhealthy both for you and for them. Our children are only lent to us and will become adults in their own right. They will always be our children in our hearts but at some point you have to let them fly.

Sure I have the odd thought and memories of my child when they are young and the future when they leave home but op what you are feeling is very far from normal

And please do not do as suggested and foster, fostering is not something to do like 'oh I want to climb Mt Kilimanjaro' type bucket list thing as I am unfulfilled

I hope you're a bit less intense with the kids as you will drive them away.

I think you need to talk to someone about this OP, it's too much.

I feel the same. I have lots of friends, many hobbies, 2 cats. But I'm lonely and hate not being able to wash and cook for my children. They are early 20s but have all left home, one is abroad. There's such a void now.

Dd is the most important thing in my life, but I don't recognise the way you feel at all. My job as a parent is to bring up an independent adult, I've pretty much done that (she's off to uni in aug) and although I'll miss her, I'm really happy and excited for her, and happy for me too because I don't need her to validate me (as she doesn't need me to validate her). What you're feeling is so extreme, it's really not normal or healthy. And your children will absolutely know that you feel like this too, and that's only going to be damaging for them.

Mine have all left home and although I miss them I also love that they have their own lives.
I gave them the tools to go out in to the world.

They never stop needing you, even when they have their own family, they just need you in a different way!

The house work is much reduced too.

It really is not.

I can't personally comprehend people who have children but very little to do with them, put them in childcare at any given opportunity - including weekends because mummy needs her "me time", and moan constantly about weekends and the length of the school holidays - god forbid they would spend any time with their own child. I really don't get it.

That said, I have felt sad about the end of a stage but the next stage was just as good, even completely different.

There's a full life to live once the children have left home, and I don't feel depressed in the slightest about children growing and being independent. I feel sad about getting and looking older 😂

It takes time but it does get easier. I'm 5 months in to my eldest moving out and I was distraught. But honestly it gets easier. DM me if you would like a chat.

So many PPs are reacting as if OP is mentally ill for simply missing being a hands on mum.

I don't think they are.

Saying 'I feel like they're dying' has caused concern.

I'd also add from my own experience, there was some amazing adults waiting to emerge from those little people, who enrich my life every day with their humour, opinions, insights, the things they teach me and introduce me to. There is no way I'd swap the pleasure and privilege of having my adult DC in my lives for their perpetual childhood. You don't know what you've got ahead of you yet OP and what more your parenthood still has to offer. Don't fear something that may be even better than what you have.

I agree with this.

My dc are both teenagers now and one will hopefully be going to uni next year. The one he wants to go to is a very long way away too so no popping home at the weekends. I have been a single parent for the last 4.5 years so have spent a lot of time with them and got (I hope) a great relationship with them but this is a natural process and I think we'd feel like we'd failed if they weren't capable of spreading their wings when the time is right.

Part of being a mum is letting go with love and support, so gently, if you are not able to do that part, it doesn't matter how many children you'd have had, you woulnd't be doing your job properly.

I went through a few years of drifting away from my parents in my teens but my mum never showed me anything but support and encouragement. We have a great relationship now and I am so grateful for allowing me the freedom to grow, even though it must have been hard for them at times.

DD1 has just gone on her first holiday with mates and I'm so excited for her, but also feel slightly bereft, and she will only be away for a week!

I expect I'll feel the same, but worse, when she goes away to university.

I've always felt happy/sad/excited/emotional/discombobulated and a little bit more redundant each time with DDs when they reach an independence milestone, from dropping them off at the childminders to now.

But ultimately this is what we are aiming for - their independence.

Just make sure you have lot of interests, work, friends etc to keep you going. But it is natural to feel a bit bereft and weird.

I think of this phase - approaching menopause, children growing up etc, positively as a second spring as they do in China. It's a chance to focus on different things.

Happiness is knowing that I've equipped my adult children with the right attitude and skills to forge a successful path through life with good jobs/careers and knowing that they are both happy in love.

I'll probably get a kicking for this but do you think it is because you are single? My kids are teens and are moving away from us, not literally right now but spending their time with friends, going to groups etc basically just not hanging out with us so much. Dh and I have taken this opportunity to spend more time together, we love each other's company and still have lots of fun when the children aren't around. We've really been getting closer as the teens move further away if you know what I mean?

I love hanging out with my kids when they decide to grace us with their presence and I've loved raising them but dh and I have lots of plans that we are looking forward to when it is just the two of us so although I am sure I will miss them, I also love seeing them move forward and love what it means for dh and I.

yes this. Not a good idea at all.

Oh, OP I see you. I love my kids more than anyone in this world, they bring me so much joy, and yet they are destined to leave me and leave me they should. It’s the most bitter sweet feeling. I recommend this podcast on the devastation of things going exactly to plan:

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/a-slight-change-of-plans/id1561860622?i=1000605778720

“Writer Kelly Corrigan always wanted a family. She craved the closeness and familiarity of a strong parent-child relationship. When her daughters were little, she relished knowing everything about their lives. But as her daughters grew older, the physical and emotional distance between Kelly and her daughters grew, too. While Kelly knew to expect this transition, it still broke her heart. In this conversation, Maya and Kelly reckon with the question of what parents and children owe each other.”

Take comfort in when they grow away from you and choose their own friends and lives, that you gave them the best love in the world and they can cope with anything due to the love you gave them. Your relationship changes but I still find my adult children delightful and enjoy spending time with them. I know it’s hard not being needed-but that’s the natural way of things. Have you ever wanted to do something that you couldn’t due to having young children? Maybe it’s time to indulge yourself a little.

I've found that they leave you, but will (hopefully) return. Especially if they have children.

@tikitikitembonoSaRembo

time to focus on yourself Op -

develop your hobbies and interests
spend more time with pals
get into online dating if thats something you fancy
join a gym or get into fitness classes
get a job thats not just about fitting in with the kids

That was my first thought too 😂 both my SILs have got puppies once the youngest kids hit their mid teens. Me, I skipped the kids and went straight to puppies. Much less hassle! 🐶🐾

Many posts on MN about adult DC still living with them in their 30s. You could be in that position given rents. Sounds hell on earth.

Your role as their Mum will change , it’s the strong roots and wings thing .
I totally understand your grief if you’re the kind of mum who put your children at the centre of your world it’s hard , especially as a single mum, I really miss my daughter it’s huge loss , completely different as had to get shot of my cheating fraudster of an ex
a year before she left for uni .
but it is getting easier and it takes huge strength not to over do your need to see them
we got to let them fly
your job now is to build a life , so they can see you happy it will take the pressure off them
it’s important,
they will still need you to be their mum but post the teen nightmare years
your relationship with them will change.
they become something a kin to a boomerang
hang on it there maybe some professional support would help .
but be careful a super needy mum is a burden no kid needs
cry when you need to , take walks find out who you are now
good luck

Could you foster? There is a desperate need.