Don't understand how you be happy after children grow up

[tikitikitembonoSaRembo]

I know it's not normal but I can't understand people who don't feel this way, but I want to.

My two children are beginning to do many more things without me as they grow, want to be alone. I've realised I don't spend half the time with them I used to.

I was a very hands on mother, didn't work during the first few years, then worked around school and would take them out twice a week, spend Saturdays playing with them.

I even have things in my own life. I'm part of a local group which I love and I still work but I feel like my identity and life are slipping away and I don't know how to be happy without being my children's world.

Maybe I messed up along the way but it's this crippling depression.

I know I can go out, meet people, stay up late etc. as I become free of my children, but I don't want to be free of them. I should have had six and gave my life to it but I realised too late that I loved being a mother and only had two.

I'm single and I own my home so could sell up in a few years I suppose, but I don't want to, all our memories are in this house.

I don't feel my children are my whole identity but they are the best thing about my life and I don't think anything could trump it.

Your youngest is only nine, so you most likely have at least another ten to fifteen years before they move out. By that time you may feel rather differently. You'll be older, you'll have become accustomed to being a parent of older children/young adults. It will all seem to be just a natural progression when it happens.

Remember also that your children don't stop needing your support just because they happen to be adults. You'll always be their mum and will "be there" for them for as long as you're able. I'm sure they know that.

I’m hoping the teenage years make me ready for them leaving home lol. My 16 year old has a huge attitude. I thought that was a part of human nature, have lovely small children making it easier to handle the sleepless nights etc, then have teenagers to prepare you for when they leave

OP, how are you doing now?

I must admit I feel very much as you do in many ways. I adored being a mum. I have had two vocational careers in my life time, both quite obsessive but nothing like the degree of joy, satisfaction, absorption and passion I felt at being a mother. I just never expected to be so obsessive about it.

But I do now realise that this is what it is: an obsession. And I realise `i am too attached to my DC. I didn't think that was possible but I now see it is, and whether I want to or not, for everyone's good health and progression I need to take big, very uncomfortable steps back, and not ring them every day or fuss over them or try to solve their perfectly normal growing-up-and-leaving-home problems.

Forcing myself to step back and apologising to DC when I forget has made me realise several things. My own parents were physically and emotionally neglectful and I had vowed that I would be the opposite. I was. I overcompensated. My attention to them was unnatural. Loads of people teased me or commented as DC grew up and I smugly thought: You know nothing! My way is the best way! In some ways I was right. My SEN DS has far fewer issues in adulthood than most people who start out life with the numerous physical and mental handicaps that he has faced. I made it my mission to discover every way of helping him that I could. And that knowledge paid off. But now I must let him go.

I now see that I neglected giving a similar level of attention to my own life development and self-care. And now is the time to do it. Uncomfortable but valuable.

This is exactly what I want to avoid. i could imagine it happening if i don't pull back and sort out how to create a healthy adult relationship with my dc.

My mother made me feel so guilty about wanting to move out and have my own life. She constantly told me about how lonely it would make her feel. When I met me DH she used to comment about him "taking me from her". My DH thought it was the most awful thing for her to do as he could see how torn I was about moving on.
I will never to that to my children. My Dsis is like this, her whole identity is caught up in her children. She smothers them. Her DS is starting college and literally is moving to the other end of the country. I am sure he feels he needs the space. He is not self sufficient as she does everything for him (and her other children) so that they need her. It isnt healthy.
I will rejoice in my children moving on as it means they are confident and independent and more importantly alive and healthy, I cant feel sad about them getting their own lives as I am delighted they are able to.