Don't understand how you be happy after children grow up

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I know it's not normal but I can't understand people who don't feel this way, but I want to.

My two children are beginning to do many more things without me as they grow, want to be alone. I've realised I don't spend half the time with them I used to.

I was a very hands on mother, didn't work during the first few years, then worked around school and would take them out twice a week, spend Saturdays playing with them.

I even have things in my own life. I'm part of a local group which I love and I still work but I feel like my identity and life are slipping away and I don't know how to be happy without being my children's world.

Maybe I messed up along the way but it's this crippling depression.

I know I can go out, meet people, stay up late etc. as I become free of my children, but I don't want to be free of them. I should have had six and gave my life to it but I realised too late that I loved being a mother and only had two.

I'm single and I own my home so could sell up in a few years I suppose, but I don't want to, all our memories are in this house.

I don't feel my children are my whole identity but they are the best thing about my life and I don't think anything could trump it.

You don't have to want to travel. I don't understand it, but you can do other things.

You do need some help, it's natural to feel sad, it's not to compare children growing with a bereavement and to feel as down as you are.

My mum certainly didn’t.
I’m the youngest of three and when it was time for me to leave home at 18 I was so afraid and unsure - my mum assured me that by the fall I’d either be living at university halls or in a flat on my own.
She was past ready to push me out of the nest. Best thing to have ever happened to me. Roughest too, but I did it. I still saw her all the time. I just never lived at home again.

I absolutely get this. Mine are still little and depend on me for everything and it's hard work, but I absolutely adore being a mother and I really can't get enough of them.

I don't have any suggestions, just wanted to say I understand the fear of not being needed. But they will always need you in a different way. And you will have done your job well! My Mum said she felt the same and now she is always desperate to have her grandchildren come to stay - any and all of them at once sometimes!

That's right. I'm just saying how I feel, seeking insight.

Some gentle advice here OP. The people I know who have the most successful relationships with their adult children are those who are able to bring something to the table from their own personality and interests, so that their children genuinely enjoy their company. If all you have to offer is your mothering of them, your ongoing relationship will have limited scope to be fulfilling. These are the adult children who grit their teeth through the duty visits, politely tolerating being fed and fussed over until they csn escape to something more fun. Often feeling guilty because they know how much their mother's happiness depends on their presence.
For your sake and your children's, I'd suggest you try really hard to find and develop the parts of yourself that aren't about your role as mother.

Mine are at the leaving/have left stage. It makes me very happy. Just need to persuade DS to get going and I can have a permanent sewing room.

I didnt/don't have a close relationship with my own DM so I have never recognised the 'you always need your mum' emotion. When DCs were born or I have been ill the last person I would want is my DM!

For my own DCs I have always encouraged them to grow and develop independence. At the same time I enjoy helping them out and not attaching strings to that. This is one of the bugbears with my own DM, any bit of support felt that it had strings on it

Sounds like empty nest syndrome. Let them fly. The grandkids will be round soon enough.

Would you be open to dating OP? It sounds like your life is ready for a new chapter.

I recognise this feeling. You are entering a period of transition and it’s hard. You will come through it and take huge pleasure from the relationships you will have with adult children.

My eldest is 40 and I still feel like her mum it’s just different.

You will be ok. Develop your life. Before you know it, there’ll probably be grandkids and get to go through it all again!

Good advice.

My MIL is like this, and actually our visits do feel forced. She's always saying stuff insinuating her happiness depends on seeing us, which makes us feel guilty.

I wonder if this is because you don’t have a strong relationship with your own mum, I don’t worry this way because I absolutely love spending time with my family. My parents siblings and aunts, cousins and grandparents. They’re amazing
I don’t envisage DD disowning me- I envisage her becoming a lady who comes for Camembert and big walks instead of a a kid I take to the park.

God I can’t wait for mine to leave 🤣

I came on here to suggest fostering too - of all the reasons to be a foster carer, really enjoying parenting has got to be one of the better ones.

My eldest is 21.

I’m lucky in that I have large age gaps, my other two are 9 and almost 3.

I’d be feeling bereft now otherwise, although he does still live at home. That doesn’t mean I am not incredibly proud of him and what he’s achieving in life and I support him fully in every thing he wants to
do.

By the time my youngest is 21, I will be 61 and will have been a parent for 40 years, maybe I will feel differently then 🤣

I only ever wanted to be a parent and have a family and be a stay at home mum (thats been a very unpopular choice over the years, mainly by people who don’t know me).

I have traveled the world with my children. First time I ever went abroad was with ds, backpacking with him when he was 4. so I don’t feel as though I’ve missed out or have things to do once they are grown.

I love the freedom of the kids having left home. Youngest is late 20s now and all have their own homes, 2 have children.

I was happy that they were fulfilling their dream and enjoying their independence.
Plus the house is tidier and I have more money (when I'm not spoiling the grandkids) 😍

I think it's fine for OP to not want to travel to Thailand or anywhere else - she knows who she is and those adventures don't float everyone's boat. You might as well tell her to take up Airfix modelling, it's not her thing so don't push it.

As for this: are children people's main focus in life when they're young? Or are they just an addition to an already full life?

Obviously it's different for everyone depending on how they're wired. I love my DC and they were my focus when they were very little and depended solely on me, but by the time they were 2 or 3, I got back into my career and they became more of a wonderful addition to my own busy life. But then I'd say I'm more selfish than the next mother and not very domesticated or into kids generally (i.e. other than my own). After the first decade or so of parenting, I was ready to do less and enjoyed getting my life back as they got more independent. So that's my normal, but clearly you're much more wired for fully involved parenting so it'll be that much harder to move on and find the same - or different - fulfilment in other things.

You'll be in transition for a long time perhaps but the vital thing is to see it as an evolution, not like your source of happiness is gone. Please do get help if you're feeling depressed and take the extra time for yourself not necessarily to fill it with hobbies but to explore other routines and relationships, other ways of being, without there being too much pressure on it all to fill the space of DCs. You don't really know what will happen on that score, but stay positive if at all possible, acknowledge the heartache but also see the opportunities. People can be happy even when they've lost all the loves of their lives - it's not easy but it's possible, so hang onto the hope for the future while enjoying the many many wonderful (and less wonderful!) moments you still have with them.

I totally get this. When you become a grandparent, you'll feel it all again. 😁

You seem very emotionally dependent on your children, OP. I get it--I have this to some extent and attribute this as our dynamic-perhaps as a single parent with one child with no other 'love interests' in our lives barring family.
Rightly or wrongly, you are living vicariously through your children.
I don't feel the sense of loss you experience with your children getting older although I do wish I could have done things differently and been more engaged when DD was little. I do love the woman my DD is becoming and I try to encourage her independence in little ways.
Counselling will help you talk and explore the feelings you are going through if you feel it's for you.
💐

How old are your kids?

I remember feeling a bit like this when my kids were 10 and 8 😁

10 yrs later I do NOT feel like that

God, I love them but they really need to start living their own lives now

since they’ve become teens, I gradually started giving more attention to my job, my friendships and my hobbies again.

it’s a natural progression and not a big POOF at 18 and they are gone forever

my 18 and 20 yr old are spending the whole summer at home, and I am worried I’ve made the home way too cosy and cushy…. 😂 They are going nowhere…. 🤨

The way you’d speak about your kids makes me think they are still a way off 18…..? Correct me if I am wrong 😁 In the meantime don’t worry and just enjoy life

This is how I feel about it, and don’t worry OP I completely relate to you. You’ve probably got more of a life than me as well! I was extremely lucky to be able to financially manage and get to be a SAHM for the past 7.5 years. I have loved it and felt the most alive and with purpose than at any other time of my life. I have 2 DD and the youngest starts school in September, I have been mourning this since January. It’s very hard for some people to understand, we are all different, my mum friends all preferred their children from 4 and up whereas I was a ‘natural’ (to my complete shock!) and loved the baby and toddler years so much.

All this to say, I empathise and agree with pp that in the future the teenage years will probably help us prepare further for this. Empty nest syndrome is very real!

As others have asked, how old are your kids? Are they stroppy teens yet?

Op, be careful having this level of emotional dependent on children and making them your world is going to cause more pain when they create their own life and rely less on you.

Have you heard about maternal enmeshment? I am not saying you have that, but if there is even a small amount of it, your children and your future relationship with them will be impacted negatively. Is there any other activity or hobby you find purposeful?

I think this is actually a normal experience for some mothers, hence the term ‘empty nest syndrome’

How many of our own parents have said or thought things like 'I felt this but my kids didn't know' as a child I would not want the guilt of my parents not having anything in their life except me and my siblings, It would be weird and not healthy at all

How old are your children now?

I enjoyed every part of my children's growing up. It was lovely seeing them develop, follow their own interests, build up their own friendship group, become more independent, have their own successes, and they just became such fun , interesting people to be with. I was incredibly sad when they went away to university, but loved it when they came back. Now they have all left home permanently, but I'm lucky enough to see them regularly, and I enjoy the upsides of taking over their rooms for my office/craft room, and doing what I want with my time. It has probably helped that I'm still working.

I agree with others that you really need to move on, live and enjoy your own life, and see your children's growing up and independence as a positive, otherwise you risk pushing them away.