Don't understand how you be happy after children grow up

[tikitikitembonoSaRembo]

I know it's not normal but I can't understand people who don't feel this way, but I want to.

My two children are beginning to do many more things without me as they grow, want to be alone. I've realised I don't spend half the time with them I used to.

I was a very hands on mother, didn't work during the first few years, then worked around school and would take them out twice a week, spend Saturdays playing with them.

I even have things in my own life. I'm part of a local group which I love and I still work but I feel like my identity and life are slipping away and I don't know how to be happy without being my children's world.

Maybe I messed up along the way but it's this crippling depression.

I know I can go out, meet people, stay up late etc. as I become free of my children, but I don't want to be free of them. I should have had six and gave my life to it but I realised too late that I loved being a mother and only had two.

I'm single and I own my home so could sell up in a few years I suppose, but I don't want to, all our memories are in this house.

I don't feel my children are my whole identity but they are the best thing about my life and I don't think anything could trump it.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/25/how-to-cope-empty-nest-syndrome-children-move-out-gordon-ramsay

https://www.priorygroup.com/blog/what-is-empty-nest-syndrome-tips-for-parents-who-are-struggling

This is more about when they leave home but the emotions can be felt earlier at other different independence milestones.

This. How you say you feel is not a normal way to feel. You should be proud they are being more independent and encourage it. I'd suggest some counselling for yourself.

Could you plan a longish wild trip you've always fancied, so you're actually away yourself at some point, while having new amazing experiences and input? 3 months in Bali/Thailand, and come back to tell them your adventures on one of your visits?

See I never missed my old life. I suppose I could have been a bit depressed before actually. I'm reading all these with real interest. Saying I go back to my old life, I don't want that, it was empty. I did lots of things, but it was empty.

My life's never been not full of things to do, work, hobbies, friends... but it always felt empty. Is that depression?

Children are just amazing though and they really do fulfil you. Now even though I could go and do a million and one things, I just feel the emptiness coming back.

So I think I found the crux of the problem.

Can I ask, are children people's main focus in life when they're young? Or are they just an addition to an already full life?

Yeah, or something that better suits me. I can look at pictures of Thailand, I'm not interested. It's a place with people in who do things slightly differently to us. That's not worth days of my time.

I love being at home! I love homemaking and gardening and cooking and even cleaning. I love going to work too. I love going out and socialising.

But the part of life where I'm the main focus of two young people, that's leaving me feeling really empty.

@tikitikitembonoSaRembo

its healthier if they are an addition to your life rather than your entire life because then when they grow up and leave the nest you’re not left with an empty life

Nicely put @ssd

I felt the same. Bereft at every stage.
I remember feeling sad when the baby moved out of my bedroom into his own.
When my firstborn went to school, then to uni.
Even worse when the second one went.
They bounce back many times over the uni years and after and each time is still hard but gets a little easier. They have no idea of course.

As adults leading busy lives I am proud of them and adore their company. I see them often enough (though one has muttered about moving to Australia and that would be tough for me).
We just had a weekend away with both DC and their partners, it was bliss and I felt sad when I waved them goodbye.

I think for you OP it must be harder being on your own and I think the suggestion of fostering is something you should consider. There is a huge demand for foster carers and you could make a difference to lots of children.

My worry in London is that my DC may never leave the nest and that I will be parenting until I am 90.

@tikitikitembonoSaRembo

i would try travelling if I was you

it’s so much more than what you seem to think it is. Seeing different ways of life and cultures can really broaden your mind and your horizons.

Are they teenagers yet? You might change your thoughts once they get older and become inevitably stroppy, hormonal, rebellious creatures.

I think each stage of being a parent impacts people in different ways.

I remember feeling really sad when mine started school, it felt like the end of their toddler era, but then when we all settled from the change it was good and we adapted to the excitement and challenges of them being at primary and I actually enjoyed being with them more as they grew older and developed their own personalities.
Both me and DS struggled a bit when he finished primary last year - honestly for a couple of days it felt like grief - the end of his younger childhood etc and the change in routine. But now he's almost finished year 7 and he's had a great time (generally!) and our relationship has changed too in many ways, some for the better though I'm having to adapt again now to having a teen in the house!

I think this may be more about how you adapt to change OP - do you struggle with change generally? I do think some counselling or maybe CBT might help - does your GP have a social prescriber who can put you in touch with relevant support?
Are your comments on them dying more related to the fact part of their childhood has ended rather than actually dying?

Indeed. Nature's way of reconciling you to the empty nest.

Have you thought about a career with children? Fostering, childminding, and so on? How old are your children now, OP?

I reckon this is how my in-laws ended up being the way they are. They still treat my husband as a child (he's 1 of 3 so it isn't an only child situation). I met my husband at uni and we settled down and had our first child aged 32, over a decade after we first met. When we told my in laws I was pregnant they reacted terribly, which was utterly bizarre. A few weeks later I asked them what was all that about and his mum told me they were having problems accepting he's an adult, yes at 32 🤣. Please don't be like this and act like your children are still 5 because you wish they were, it really does destroy relationships. They just didn't know how to take a step back, they thought they could still tell my husband what to do and I wouldn't be surprised if they thought he should have discussed having a baby with them first 🤣. Mental.

Ah well there you are - you took to motherhood well and embraced it. I never found it particularly fulfilling and hated that I became identified as X's mum. What about the 41 years I lived before? I was happy when I returned to work that I was the only parent so didn't have to talk about it at all.
Did not get me wrong - I took my kids to every activity under the sun. Never missed a school performance and juggled running back and forth on Sports Day to watch them both. Every Thursday night and Sunday morning it was staining in the rain cheering my son okay rugby, I volunteered at the school for 8 years and I've just driven six hours each way with my daughter to check out a university. I do love them absolutely.
But I relish now being able to hear my own thoughts and do my own thing.
I think kids are an addition, not the reason for being. If they are, then people will face your dilemma.

My children are the only people I would want to share a house with.

So if one of your children moved to Thailand (or anywhere abroad), you wouldn't go and visit?

How old are your children OP?

If they wanted me to. I just have no desire to travel.

Can I ask, are children people's main focus in life when they're young? Or are they just an addition to an already full life?

absolutely the main focus, because want it or not, everything has to be around them.

House means children rooms
Work means childcare
Routine, means having to feed them 2 or 3 times a day
Holidays are around the children. I loved going on holiday with my kids ever since they were born, but the only way to have a great time is not replicate an adult holiday
Everything you do is about the children, even a child-free diner date with their dad

and more importantly, I LIKE spending time with my kids!

@tikitikitembonoSaRembo

homemaking and cleaning are worth your time but travelling to somewhere like Thailand isn’t?!

You really aren’t unusual here OP. There are lots of us out there that feel sad at the passing of time and long for those years when they were small and our lives were intertwined. It’s ok to grieve it. I fully relate. I would love to start again. It’s not about filling the void. Or finding something else. It’s just sadness.

Gosh @tikitikitembonoSaRembo better you than me. I love my DC but I don't want them to live at home as adults. I think that's normal. Putting up with young adult mess and strange hours is hard enough. And they will never learn how to be adults if they live with me. The circle of life etc etc...

I want it to be DH and me again when they have jobs and start earning. Which may be harder than we all expected.

But I love travel and am looking forward to doing more of it. Tons more. A round the world trip even ( if not for global warming).

I have 19 and 21 year old dds, the 19 year old is just about to go off to uni away from home. I kind of know how you feel but it’s not be that bad. I still spend time with them but in different ways, it’s still fulfilling. I get a lot of pride from watching them achieve things on their own and take a small amount of credit from that. They talk to us about at least some of their worries and we still help and guide them. We are lucky to have the use of a family caravan which we have used since they were babies, dh and I have just come back from the first long weekend in the caravan on our own and we had a lovely time, I really wasn’t looking forward to it as we weren’t going with dds, but honestly it was great.

Also agree, most teens got through a really horrible stage, think we are just coming out of it. I think it’s probably like that for a reason, so actually we can’t wait to get rid of them.

DH and I have now started some interests we had before kids and looking forward to a few little adventures that we have planned.