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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and maternity leave - Who is BU?

343 replies

ILoveBostonTerriers · 14/07/2023 10:04

DH and I have our own business, I run the accounts side of it and he does the field work, we have a small team and our own office though I work from home 95% of the time.

We've decided that we want to start TTC soon and we had a big discussion about what a baby might look like for us.

It turns out that, although we would hire someone to help with the office when I went on maternity leave, DH wouldn't want them to do any of the finance stuff and as we pay weekly, this basically means I wouldn't even get a full week truly off. I said I would show him how to do it, but he's refused to learn or to really negotiate, he's just saying it's what I'll have to do to keep the business going and staff in work etc.

For some context, I don't love the job. It's hard and it's stressful and I was always operating under the assumption that I would get to be a SAHM at least for the first few years until the baby went to school. It has some good points, in that when a potential child was at school I could easily work school hours only and be there for them before and after. My friend was in hospital for a week after her baby was born, and I know that some people get HG in pregnancy so it seems totally unrealistic to me. I'm also worried that he will expect me to go into the office 3-4 days a week to supervise the new office staff we get. He didn't say this directly but I feel like it was implied.

Also, DH is a massive workaholic and expects that his life won't change, that he will be able to work as much as he always has and that I will do everything for the baby as I do everything for the home and family now. I feel like that would have been okay if I was a SAHM but not if I'm expected to carry on working too.

I'm having a massive reaction internally to this, it's seriously making me feel like I want to leave him and have a baby on my own. I'm aware that's probably an overreaction but it's been a couple of weeks since the conversation and I still strongly feel like that.

What do you think, AIBU?

OP posts:
FOJN · 14/07/2023 10:08

Does he seriously think you can just take a few hours off to give birth and then get back to work? I'm lost for words.

He's shown you who he is, believe him. If you proceed to have a baby with him now you will know exactly what you are signing up for.

ShortColdandGrey · 14/07/2023 10:09

Well it looks like he is telling you before you even have a child that you will be expected to do all things in the home, but you still need to pulling your weight at work as well. So you will have two full time jobs and he will have one, but will be far too busy to help out with home and children. I don't blame you for having second thoughts.

GoodChat · 14/07/2023 10:11

Are you legally employed or self employed?

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 14/07/2023 10:11

Well being a SAHM has to be a joint decision, have you discussed this with him?

But i agree with others that unless he is willing to be less of a workaholic then i wouldn't have a baby with him

Dullardmullard · 14/07/2023 10:12

Don’t have a baby with him he’s shown who he is

trevthecat · 14/07/2023 10:14

Are you employed by the company? He is being ridiculous but I suspect his views won't change and if you choose to go ahead and have a baby, don't be surprised when you are alone with the baby, working full time with a house to keep whilst he plays Disney dad

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/07/2023 10:14

For gods sake set the expectations and ground rules now! Or you will indeed be doing everything you do now, plus everything to do with the baby. Don’t be like so many women here who hope/think their partner will be different when a child comes along, and then…oops, they aren’t! If he won’t change, then you need to be aware what your life will look like - or you really need to reconsider having a child with this man…

Peacoffee · 14/07/2023 10:15

and I was always operating under the assumption that I would get to be a SAHM at least for the first few years until the baby went to school.

Is that your assumption or this this something you have actually sat down and agreed together.

I don't think there is an obvious answer to this, personally I don't know anyone who runs their own business and just totally left it for a normal mat leave. It is difficult but its part of running a business imo.
It would mean not only a financial hit and your husband being the main earner, but him also taking on more work while you were off. Is that realistic with his current schedule?

If you are honestly thinking of leaving him and having a baby on your own then thinking about ttc should be the last thing on your priority list.

WeWereInParis · 14/07/2023 10:15

I was always operating under the assumption that I would get to be a SAHM at least for the first few years until the baby went to school.

Well he is being massively unreasonable about the maternity leave. I'd simply refuse to do that.

But you are also unreasonable to have assumed you can be a SAHM. That has to be a joint decision (whether you work together or not).

Whatifitallgoesright · 14/07/2023 10:19

Good for having the conversation now before you TTC because he has no understanding of what having a baby will involve. I think you need to emphasise that for the good of the business you absolutely have to take someone on who will take over the finance section. It's really bad business risk to be relying on a mother of a newborn to continue doing wages and whatever else you do. You may have prenatal issues which demand bedrest or hospital stays, you may have difficult labour, post-birth complications, ill child. Not to try and scare you here but he needs some education about babies - I'm sure you're well aware of all these things, it's him who's in desparate need of some business sense because he sure isn't showing much at the moment.

Luxell934 · 14/07/2023 10:20

Please don’t try for a baby until your both on the same page. You need to sit down and talk to him about this.

Explain pregnancy might leave you unable to do your job, HG, preeclampsia, complications, etc etc and that you will need a proper maternity leave, atleast 6 months minimum, after you’ve had the baby.

You will need to tell him you will have to train someone up to do your role whilst your on maternity leave. Tell him you simply won’t be able to do it yourself. Make this clear.

If his reaction to this isn’t good then I think it’s safe to say that you shouldn’t be having children with this man.

Original poster
ILoveBostonTerriers · 14/07/2023 10:21

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 14/07/2023 10:11

Well being a SAHM has to be a joint decision, have you discussed this with him?

But i agree with others that unless he is willing to be less of a workaholic then i wouldn't have a baby with him

Yes, it's something we'd discussed a lot. He knew I wanted to be a SAHM, it's something I've always said, and he had never said it was something I wouldn't be able to do. This is the first time we've really sat down to talk in such detail, because we were feeling like the time is right to TTC, but I feel like it was always understood before now, I left my job to help him build the business and follow his dream and then it would be my turn for him to help me follow my dream afterwards. I know being a SAHM isn't everyone's dream, but it is for me.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 14/07/2023 10:24

Consider this a blessing.

He has told you the truth.

You would want to be completely out of your mind to have a child with a man who cares so little for you, whose priority is work, and clearly has zero interest in a child or family life.

You are his workhorse skivvy and that is how he sees you.

His vision of mat leave is abusive and coercive.

Start listening to your gut because it is desperately trying to warn you.

In your place, if you were my daughter, I would advise you to start getting organised.

Look for a job, a rental, and get legal advice.
Gather all the financials that you will need.

Yur future with him snd children will be nothing but a miserable grind.

Your work load will be enormous and you will carry huge stress.

You have created this situation by tolerating his not sharing the house load whilst you also work.

You need to take responsibility for that.

You clearly showed him you poor boundaries and self respect by tolerating his treatment of you as house skivvy.

You need to reflect on that.

Also by his telling you what he expects from your mat leave, he is not your husband but an employer who doesn't give a shit about you.

Best now to admit this marriage is a mistake.

Get YOUR share of the company/house and start again.

Expect him to be devastated, angry, promise you the moon, anything to save what he really cares about, the business.

Undoubtedly he would be a shit father, just like he is a shit husband.

You have been warned.

PickledPurplePickle · 14/07/2023 10:26

If you are employed then he needs to follow the law

also you can’t claim maternity pay if you continue to work

NoSquirrels · 14/07/2023 10:27

DH and I have our own business

Unfortunately, your husband considers this is HIS business and you work for him.

I’d rethink a lot of things in this light, OP. Now is the moment to take a stand, if ever there was one. You won’t get a better chance.

FromNowOn23 · 14/07/2023 10:27

So you wouldn’t even get maternity leave?

lanthanum · 14/07/2023 10:27

Minimum maternity leave is supposed to be two weeks. I was in hospital for three weeks. Somebody else needs to be trained to do pay roll, whether that's him or a new employee.

That's on a purely practical level, before you start any debate over how much maternity leave beyond that.

Original poster
ILoveBostonTerriers · 14/07/2023 10:28

Also I just want to say as well, if it was down to a financial decision, if we couldn't afford me to be a SAHM, that would be one thing. We've put off having a baby to be in a really strong place financially. I know if I left I wouldn't be able to be a SAHM. And I knew I may have to get involved if for example, the office staff had a sick day or to cover their holidays, etc. I wouldn't let the business go to ruin or go wrong. I'm not trying to be selfish. I just feel a bit blindsided by all this.

It's moreso the maternity leave issue. If I had to carry on working after, then fine. I could live with that if I could at least be part time and he was willing to make amendments to help out more.

I think that he thinks I will just be able to go to the office and get a playpen or bassinet and take the baby with me, from birth.

OP posts:
Ep1cfail · 14/07/2023 10:35

You need to talk and find a compromise. He is being unreasonable with maternity leave. You have no idea how pregnancy, child birth and having a new baby will impact you.

I was off sick for most of my pregnancy. I spent months on bed rest. I then spent the rest of my pregnancy high risk. I had several hospital appointments a week. I had a c section. The recovery was hard. It was over a month before I was functioning normally. Then looking after a newborn is a full time job.

I think you need to price up childcare for the baby. How much will you be charged or does he expect you to work FT and take care of the baby at the same time?

I think being a SAHP needs to be agreed by both parties. If he wants you to work then he needs to consider his role in the family. You can't be a full time worker and do everything else. Is he going to take on 50% of the parenting, housework, cooking etc or are these tasks going to be outsourced? Will he pay for a nanny, cleaner, gardener etc?

2mummies1baby · 14/07/2023 10:35

Please, please, PLEASE don't have a baby with this man. I am at home with my 7 month old, have a hugely supportive wife, and I STILL have found parenthood really difficult, much more so than anticipated. Your husband will be absolutely no support- he's told you as much- and will actively be putting pressure on you to work while caring for a newborn and recovering from pregnancy and birth. You deserve so much better.

Silvered · 14/07/2023 10:38

Tell him that if he's that concerned about it, why not go the whole hog? Work right up until the baby crowns, close the door and squat over a briefcase, pop newborn in a bassinet next to your desk, pop a couple of paracetamol and then back to the invoices!

What a monumental dickhead. Lucky for you he's shown his true colours now; that he's one of those blokes that wants children but only in the strictest hands-off sense of the word. He wants you to do all of the child-rearing, sticky stuff and emotional load-bearing, whilst he wafts in and out and gets to grandly tell people about how his children are "brilliant", safe in the knowledge that he doesn't actually have to do anything.

I don't think you are overreacting at all. I think your gut is screaming at you - with bloody good reason.

Mariposista · 14/07/2023 10:39

He is being unreasonable to imply you would not be entitled to a period of maternity leave.
But you are massively unreasonable to expect to freeload off him for several years.

xyz111 · 14/07/2023 10:43

I applaud you for having this conversation before TTC. So many people have the baby and then have these issues.

Blobblobblob · 14/07/2023 10:46

Are you formally an employee, or part owner of the business? What is your legal status there?

VivaVivaa · 14/07/2023 10:49

I think there are 2 issues here.

YANBU for wanting a proper maternity leave at all. He has no idea how much hard work newborns and little babies are, does he? Has he been around many babies? Are you employed by him?

But being a SAHM post maternity leave is a different ball game entirely. I don’t think he’s unreasonable to say that’s not what he wants. But, in turn, you either need to return part time or he needs to pick up 50% of domestic duties if you are returning full time. It sounds like he’s not going to do the latter so I would be asking him exactly how he sees this panning out. Because you cannot work full time and manage the baby and the household on your own. That is a one way street to burn out.

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