DH and maternity leave - Who is BU?

[ILoveBostonTerriers]

DH and I have our own business, I run the accounts side of it and he does the field work, we have a small team and our own office though I work from home 95% of the time.

We've decided that we want to start TTC soon and we had a big discussion about what a baby might look like for us.

It turns out that, although we would hire someone to help with the office when I went on maternity leave, DH wouldn't want them to do any of the finance stuff and as we pay weekly, this basically means I wouldn't even get a full week truly off. I said I would show him how to do it, but he's refused to learn or to really negotiate, he's just saying it's what I'll have to do to keep the business going and staff in work etc.

For some context, I don't love the job. It's hard and it's stressful and I was always operating under the assumption that I would get to be a SAHM at least for the first few years until the baby went to school. It has some good points, in that when a potential child was at school I could easily work school hours only and be there for them before and after. My friend was in hospital for a week after her baby was born, and I know that some people get HG in pregnancy so it seems totally unrealistic to me. I'm also worried that he will expect me to go into the office 3-4 days a week to supervise the new office staff we get. He didn't say this directly but I feel like it was implied.

Also, DH is a massive workaholic and expects that his life won't change, that he will be able to work as much as he always has and that I will do everything for the baby as I do everything for the home and family now. I feel like that would have been okay if I was a SAHM but not if I'm expected to carry on working too.

I'm having a massive reaction internally to this, it's seriously making me feel like I want to leave him and have a baby on my own. I'm aware that's probably an overreaction but it's been a couple of weeks since the conversation and I still strongly feel like that.

What do you think, AIBU?

This. I'd even go as far as to engage a payroll service to do it anyway whether it not its in anticipation of maternity leave or just because.

I think if you have a baby with this man, being a mum will be the opposite of everything you wanted. You will be back to work sharpish and your baby will be in near enough full time childcare. I'd personally not have DC with him.

But if you really want to my advice would be to say to him, your job is your job and my job is mine. He needs to employ someone else to do your job and you find employed work. Put off TTC until you qualify for maternity leave. Then once baby is born you can consider going part time. You will never be a SAHM as he will give you a new role in his business.

He is being totally unrealistic. There is no way you will want to get back to work straight after giving birth and might not actually be physically capable of that.

Although I had a very straightforward birth, home same day I could barely move for the first 5 days due to the stitches let alone work.

To parent without running yourself totally into the ground takes 2. We have 1 child, husband works full time I do 3 days but we still share house work roughly 60/40 x

I don't want to go too into detail about the set up of the business, but it really is 100% above board, I take a fair wage and pay my tax bill from HMRC every year and we do have an accountant who oversees everything.

With regards to being self employed/employed, I know legally if I were employed I am entitled to maternity leave but at the same time I couldn't/wouldn't be taking DH to a tribunal over it if he refused to let me have it off.

If I am ill one day, I just do the minimum work that needs doing that day, some tasks can be swapped around or put off it's just the payroll tasks that are set in stone on a fixed day, and some dates of the month. Holidays, I do take some sometimes but not as many as I would be entitled to, as I mentioned before I just find it too stressful. We don't really go on holiday much and if we do we just go for a few nights, and tack an extra night onto a bank holiday weekend so DH minimises how long he is off for.

Your operation was a forewarning. Pay attention.

Do you have any relatives with babies or toddlers? Invent an "emergency" for them that they have to rope you in to mind the kids at your house while they do this thing they need to do.

And if it's chaotic, all the better. He's got a totally unrealistic view of what parenting entails and he's too up his own arse to listen, so you might as well show him the brutal truth.

Then see if TTC with him is still a good idea for you.

FWIW, I had 11 months of maternity leave, a brilliant easy pregnancy, not a single day of even queasiness. I had an EMCS that I recovered perfectly from, and breastfed without any issue - and even with all those stars aligned for me, I still needed DH to come home on time at 5.30 and get stuck in. Luckily he loved being a hands on dad and couldn't wait to come home but if he was a workaholic or hands off, I'd have been fucked. I have no idea how single mums do it.

In your case, he wants to you be a single mum with a boss that literally will not give you the smallest amount of recovery time after birth.

A pp suggests getting a job elsewhere, which sounds sensible, but I can't see him letting you enjoy your ML. How long would it be before he thinks you're at home so might as well be helping out with the business?
You're whole work set up bothers me more, you don't seem to know your real status in the company, is your tax paid, NI contributions, do you have a legal right to part of the company. If your DH is so paranoid about others taking what he considers to be his then he'd be a nightmsre to divorce if you ever felt it necessary and I could see him doing the old I'm self employed and make no money to get out of child maintenance. Do yourself a favour Op, don't get pregnant with him

On the surface your DH is unreasonable - BUT does he do the same when he is ill? I.e carry on working, albeit at 10% instead of a 100%?
If yes then he's isn't necessarily being unreasonable towards you. He is applying the same standards equally, which you disagree with.

If not the he is a massive arsehole.

How financially viable is this business, can you afford a proper replacement? How big is the business anyway?

How does he treat his employees when they are ill/mat leave?

What % shares do you have?

I had postpartum psychosis and wasn't really a fully functioning human being for the first 6 months. Does he understand the spectrum of issues which can appear during pregnancy and after childbirth? If the answer is no and more importantly he's not interested in talking and thinking about it, then don't have a baby with him.

Although I'm married to someone who thinks 60 hour weeks are perfectly normal and who becomes lost in work during what should be family time BUT when dc1 and I needed him to step up because I was a psychotic suicidal mess and dc1 was a newborn, he did. Only you can say whether you think your dh would do the same.

Why should the same standards be applied? She isn't a director or a Co owner.

Bloody hell - please don't have a baby with this man.

He's telling you loud and clear that he doesn't care about you - please listen.

You gave up your job to work for him?

Resign, take up another full time job, and TTC once you have been there long enough to have some maternity pay. He can pay somebody to take over your role. Everyone’s happy (well, I expect he isn’t because he is probably underpaying you, but that is his problem).

Op, he is already fucking you over with the business if he hasn't clarified exactly what your circumstances are and also doesn't give you the right amount of holidays off and also obviously refusing to accommodate maternity leave.

This is HIS business in his mind, YOU are a skivvy he trusts to do one job because he knows you are under his thumb.

He doesn't care about you, he sounds like he doesn't even like or have a basic level of respect, who phones and demands and refuses to let you have time off for an operation? He is supposed to be the one person you supports you, emotionally as well as financially and other ways.

He treats you, his wife, worse than an employee.

You need some therapy, take a step back and put some value on yourself.

I guarantee if you divorced he would be more concerned about losing half his business than anything to do with missing you or wanting to fix it, if you promised to not go for the business he would be absolutely fine and dandy, happy even.

Well, this really.

I’ve run my own small business and I don’t think that a true mat leave is feasible when you’re the owner; much less several years as a SAHM so I do have some sympathy with your dh.

But, running your own business brings a level of flexibility which is impossible in an employed role and it has been amazing as the children grew - sports days, play dates, clubs etc are totally compatible with full time work in your own company in a way they aren’t elsewhere.

My advice would be to do some thinking about your future. Not just the first year but longer term. Do you want to work in the business long term? Or do something else?

Long term if you want to stay with the business you need to put your foot down and decide how you are managing your own mat leave cover without asking your partner to cover things. You have a clear separation of duties in the business already so that feels feasible.

In your position I would either outsource the payroll or change over to monthly. And I’d train both a current and new member of staff on all of the accounts procedures. And I’d aim for one morning a week (with baby) in the office to keep an eye on things over the first six months, with some childcare in place from 6 months onwards.

She holds some shares - that's more than just a regular employee.
Of course everyone has said he is being U but it would be great to establish whether this whole setup has gone as intended. OP has said they waited to 'give themselves financial stability'.
If this has indeed come to fruition then as part of business continuity planning no reason to not give OP her maternity leave.

BUT if, like many businesses it isn't even viable enough to turn a profit properly without the unpaid labour of the owners then the base premise of financial viability comes into question.

Can the business run with them doing their fair share of parenting? If not then as much as there has to be equality that's going to be a massive hit to OP's Household income. When she's on maternity leave, with no job.

It's not easy to tell him to fuck off when everything is intertwined like this.

OP, I have two young children with a man like your DH and it is utterly miserable. He works 7 days a week, literally from the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to bed, with breaks to eat meals with us (looking at his phone for about half of the meal) and do bedtime with our little boy (which TBF he's great at and DS adores him - which is basically the only reason I'm still here. Well, that, and I'm trapped in a 2-year fixed mortgage that I can't afford without DH's salary).

We don't talk about anything except basic logistics to do with the kids. He doesn't take the kids to the park or soft play or out for a walk. Ever. He doesn't watch them for 10 minutes so I can have a shower. For 3 years 80% of my showers have been either holding a baby, or with a child playing in the shower at my feet, or accompanied by the sound of a baby/child crying on the bathroom floor. I've had two haircuts in 3 years because both my babies have been velcro babies who won't go to anyone except a parent, and he "doesn't have time" to watch them while I go.

Sometimes he cooks a meal, and a couple times a month he does a pretty decent clean of the kitchen. Other than that I do all the housework including DIY, Dr's appointments, nursery admin, drop-offs, pick-ups, playdates, birthday parties, sorting out sibling squabbles, and general emotional propping up of the household. He works, and works, and works. And works. He says his work is the only thing that gives his life meaning. I work 26 hrs a week. He says he's lost all respect for me because I'm not pushing myself hard enough in my career and am apparently content to be mediocre at my job. In reality I am absolutely broken with the effort of trying to be a good enough employee, and mother, and daughter, and friend, and daughter-in-law, and, and, and...

My children are the light of my life and I'd give them the moon on a stick if I could. But other than them my life is utter, utter hell and it is almost entirely because DH is completely fixated on his work.

Do not, DO NOT have a child with a workaholic.

@Namechangedforthis2244 exactly what I was trying to articulate!
I work with many small business owners. Quite a few female led. They don't completely switch off during maternity leave... If you want that get a regular job.

That's why 'business' is risky. People bang on about being self employed, making money etc but this is the downside. Everything is on you.

But then again her H hasn't given her an equivalent stake in the business as partners which is a red flag.

My mum had 4 kids and she still organised the accounts for the family business. She was proud to be a working mum at home though. She was organised and dad picked up more household chores. It can be done and it doesn't have to be negative.
You could employ a home help.

I do agree you should have time off immediately after the birth as you'll have baby brain. I'm sure your dh wouldn't want you to make money mistakes. Hint hint

What is your shareholding ie 50%? 10%?

What is your employment status? You'll not be self employed if you have shares in the company you work in full time and are not a director - that should be employed status according to HMRC rules.

It's important that you know this and take advice to protect yourself.

Gradually the boundaries of your life are being made smaller and smaller, as you meet his demands.
Find another job, and at least delay TTC.

I would be very wary of having his children. You both are on different pages. You want to be a stay at home mum and he wants you to give birth and then lo back into work after a few hours. Who will be looking after the baby? Does he want you to do everything as he is a workaholic? So you are going to be a mum, and working full time and doing housework and life admin? After all the business is his and you just do the finances isnt it? Be careful OP. Dont have kids and tie yourself down to an abusive man, which is what he is. He wont change and youll end up making sacrifices and resentful

She gave up her Job to facilitate his dream of running a business and all whilst she was talking about being a SAHM during her sacrifice for him he said fuck all and allowed her to believe she would get her dream after he established his.

He is a calculating user who has abused his wife's trust, stringing her along until he thinks she's so passive he can set the rules around maternity leave without so much as a murmur from her.
Not taking a stand during your operation and probably many other instances have given him the arrogance to believe he can dictate to you op, don't let him do this to you anymore.

Sorry to read this @OnSusansFloor I was shocked to read that you do everything and he still has "lost respect for you"
Im angry at him for you. I hope you find a way to get out of the rut you are in and make a life for yourself and your kids.

I think when you spoke before about being a sahm- you meant being solely a sahm, whilst he meant simply not using any paid for childcare, but being a sahm alongside everything you already do - working and house.

The laws are made about maternity leave for a reason.

I know it's a hard pill to swallow op, because you chose to marry him and pride must get in the way, but this is not a good man op, not at all. He is in love with money, and everyone in his life is simply a tool to help him get as much of it as possibles

In your first post, you said something like 'am I overreacting about my gut instinct thinking I should leave over this?' No. No you're not overreacting at all. It would be sensible if having a baby is what you want.