DH and maternity leave - Who is BU?

[ILoveBostonTerriers]

DH and I have our own business, I run the accounts side of it and he does the field work, we have a small team and our own office though I work from home 95% of the time.

We've decided that we want to start TTC soon and we had a big discussion about what a baby might look like for us.

It turns out that, although we would hire someone to help with the office when I went on maternity leave, DH wouldn't want them to do any of the finance stuff and as we pay weekly, this basically means I wouldn't even get a full week truly off. I said I would show him how to do it, but he's refused to learn or to really negotiate, he's just saying it's what I'll have to do to keep the business going and staff in work etc.

For some context, I don't love the job. It's hard and it's stressful and I was always operating under the assumption that I would get to be a SAHM at least for the first few years until the baby went to school. It has some good points, in that when a potential child was at school I could easily work school hours only and be there for them before and after. My friend was in hospital for a week after her baby was born, and I know that some people get HG in pregnancy so it seems totally unrealistic to me. I'm also worried that he will expect me to go into the office 3-4 days a week to supervise the new office staff we get. He didn't say this directly but I feel like it was implied.

Also, DH is a massive workaholic and expects that his life won't change, that he will be able to work as much as he always has and that I will do everything for the baby as I do everything for the home and family now. I feel like that would have been okay if I was a SAHM but not if I'm expected to carry on working too.

I'm having a massive reaction internally to this, it's seriously making me feel like I want to leave him and have a baby on my own. I'm aware that's probably an overreaction but it's been a couple of weeks since the conversation and I still strongly feel like that.

What do you think, AIBU?

*worth

I don't think it's an overreaction at all. He's telling you hd expects you go work plus do absolutely everything else while he focuses on work. Workaholic or not you're still going to end up doing more hours then he will with that load. He's shown you who he is, I feel long term that's not someone I'd want to be married to let alone have children with. All sorts of things can happen in life, some very tough and painful, he doesn't sound like he'd be there for you at all.

Oh OP, that's horrible that he'd do that around your surgery. He couldn't show you any clearer how things would be if you had a baby. You have choices here 💐

His baby (the business) is more important than* *you or your baby (a real one) and must be kept alive at all costs and make maximum profit. He will not want to pay maternity pay out if he is not getting anything for it. Such a shame for him that legally he would have to. And as for paying someone else to do OP's job if she's on mat leave? What? Pay two people when only one is working? No chance!
You can see the future now, OP. Is it one that you want?

You don't know how you will feel. It's not easy even with a healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy and birth.

What if you have health problems? What if the baby has health problems or additional needs?

He will always prioritise the business over you and your child. You already experienced this when you had your operation.

I think I'm classed as being self employed. I do have shares, but I am not a director.

We're not doing anything dodgy @Fizzadora 🙄He says it's a trust issue, he doesn't want them to have access to the bank account. It seems a bit over the top to me, but he is kind of weirdly obsessed with people stealing from him, or taking things that are his. My mum borrowed our jet washer last weekend and he got weird over the idea that someone might borrow it from my Mum without asking him, even someone else in the family.

I think YABU to assume you’d be a SAHM for a few years that’s a massive luxury and also something both parents need to be onboard with.

I think your DH is being unreasonable though to not even give you some time off for maternity. If he is such a workaholic he should be stepping up to learning how to do the payroll or your replacement could learn? Could you maybe change payroll to monthly that sounds like it would be a big help too. Takes pressure off all parties.

Bloody hell, this is awful OP.

Even if (and let's face it, it's a big fucking if) he somehow comes to terms with the idea you need some sort of maternity leave, work cover or whatever, what are the chances he'll renege on it all and turn into a massive dickhead when you're trapped with a baby? Will he bully you through pregnancy to work regardless of how tired, sick or close to north you are? Because that's what I'd lay my money on. Does he think you'll be doing a job and have the baby with you entire time? Have you discussed breastfeeding, for example? The sleep deprivation? In the early weeks I routinely got less than 3 hours (broken!) sleep with my oldest.

I actually feel anxious reading your posts in case you don't trust your gut, and end up having a baby in these dreadful circumstances. Get out.

He clearly has no clue as to what having a baby is like. I wouldn't be having a child with him.

I think I'm classed as being self employed. I do have shares, but I am not a director.

So he is your boss?
You need to understand exactly where you stand, and fix that first.

I'm sorry, OP, I don't think your feelings are an overreaction at all. Not at all.

As someone else said, he bullied you to work when you were having an operation and it caused mental health problems. And he didn't care. It's going to be so much worse when you're tied to him with a baby.

He has zero consideration for your needs and your child's needs.

You've understood perfectly well what he's saying: it's not just that you'll be doing all the childcare and housework and life admin, he's also not going to make any allowances for the job. Even later, you're going to be rushing to school to pick little one up from school because they're poorly and you're phones going to be pinging with questions about getting the payroll done, you'll rush back to give them some Calpol and settle them on the sofa with a duvet and cartoons, while you rush to turn back on the computer to the necessary for pay by close of business, in between leaping up to get a drink for your DC, and calls from him asking you to "just" do this or that ...

OP, it's good you've had this conversation.

He's set out his unreasonable expectations of what he thinks TTC and having a baby would look like.

Now you've had some time to reflect, it's your turn to do this to him.

Talk about recruiting a FT replacement for you, that you can train up, when you are 6 months pregnant. It'll give you a decent handover time and mean that if they are fab (fingers crossed!) you can start your SAHM dreams early.

Specify with him that due to childcare costs and your SAHM dreams, you'd expect to be at home with DC1 (and possible DC2?) for at least a few years - until they are in nursery?

Then you could make a staggered return to the office if needed.

In the interim you can possibly offer to cover sickness emergencies etc but will need to have a childcare plan in place for this.

Look at the costs of this - recruitment, salary, benefits etc of your replacement. Then lay it all out for him. Say what you said above about supporting his dreams to build the business but that now you want to step back and be a SAHM spending your time with your future children.

If he pushes back hard, then tell him that he needs to reflect because if you split up he'll still have the same costs to replace you! He just won't have a partner any more...

YANBU but you DO need to stick up for yourself, be clear, and give him time to get his head around your version of the future, which will likely blindside him as much as his did you!

That's so sad. I'm sorry that was your experience. It must have been so hard.

That's how I feel about the job in general, that it's not worth the life sacrifices. That's the perfect way to sum it up.

sack him off, OP. Go to a lawyer and check that you own 50% of the business and that he can't take actions for the business without your say-so. If that is not the case divorce him and get everything you are entitled to. He sounds like he's a controller and it will only get worse when you are trapped with a baby.

Is it possible that he just doesn't understand what having a baby will be like? I had a few weird conversations like this with my DH before my girls were born. To be fair even I didn't realise the enormity of what it would truly be like! I thought I would get loads of chill time Why don't you suggest a compromise, whereby you'll have someone do the pay stuff for a few weeks while you give birth and recover. If you have a hard delivery it will be physically impossible for you to do it, and it makes business sense to make sure your arses are covered. Then, once baby is here you can both discuss again - he may realise how challenging it is with a small baby, or you may find that actually if he is willing to sit with the baby for a couple of hours one day a week you're quite happy keeping your brain ticking over doing the pay roll etc.

also, why are you doing payroll every week - if you gradually move over to monthly you will save a LOT of hours of work for you

I think beyond everything else he is a terrible director if only one person is able to pay staff. Its a massive risk. What happens if you were hit by a car tomorrow? If you want to be a responsible business owner then your staff have to be paid. Even if things took longer or didn't go as smoothly someone else needs to know how to do that job and have all access set up to do it. Would he feel more comfortable if the employee wad able to provide a disclosure or DBS check prior to them being trained up in the role?

I think you need to hit him up for ALL your maternity allowance. I bet you’re not paid a real wage either. So typical that wife’s input is minimized and devalued.

Have a baby with this man at your peril

You will be doing ALL baby needs and ALL house needs for all of you. Plus working for him too.

You are setting yourself up to be entirely reliant on him, controlled by him.
I'd be very very cautious having a child with him I told you mutually agree to expectations in all aspects of life going forward

The business comes first for him before anything else. Right now I'd put baby plans on the back burner find myself and job and quit the family business. Help train someone else up first of course, but then leave. No matter what happens in your life this will be how he treats you. If the business needs you, you must jump to it, no matter sickness, ill health, disabled child, loss of a loved one. You'll be expected to cope alone and keep working. There's other compelling reasons for not working in the family business, including having a source of income not dependent on him if you do decide to leave and more reasonable working hours including the ability to have time off or maybe go part time after mat leave.

He's a shit employer/ business partner.
He's a shit life partner.

He's going to be a shit dad.
He's going to be a shit co-parent.

As it’s your family business I don’t think it’s unreasonable to do a couple of hours work per week on Mat leave - while he has the baby. And that’s the crucial bit.

But someone needs to know how to do it regardless because if you’re in labour and recovery for a few days, those weekly paid employees still need their wages.

If you really want children, this isn’t the man to have them with. He is controlling and a bully. He will not make a good father. Get half of the assets including the business and start again.

How much empathy does he have for you? It sounds like he sees you as a tool or machine that has to keep running in a certain way. It sounds like he is unable or unwilling to consider that you may have your own wants, needs, ideas about life, family and work and that as a husband he has to take those into account. I would suggest discussing all this with a couples therapist. Or with an individual therapist if he won’t go.

You think you're self employed? You don't know?? How much do you have in shares? Are you building this man's business and risking him basically owning the lot, while your career is on pause?

You should own 50 percent. And you should have maternity leave, for which you claim maternity allowance.

Get this sorted OP, you don't want to end up divorced and him hiding all the income from the business to avoid CSM