DH and maternity leave - Who is BU?

[ILoveBostonTerriers]

DH and I have our own business, I run the accounts side of it and he does the field work, we have a small team and our own office though I work from home 95% of the time.

We've decided that we want to start TTC soon and we had a big discussion about what a baby might look like for us.

It turns out that, although we would hire someone to help with the office when I went on maternity leave, DH wouldn't want them to do any of the finance stuff and as we pay weekly, this basically means I wouldn't even get a full week truly off. I said I would show him how to do it, but he's refused to learn or to really negotiate, he's just saying it's what I'll have to do to keep the business going and staff in work etc.

For some context, I don't love the job. It's hard and it's stressful and I was always operating under the assumption that I would get to be a SAHM at least for the first few years until the baby went to school. It has some good points, in that when a potential child was at school I could easily work school hours only and be there for them before and after. My friend was in hospital for a week after her baby was born, and I know that some people get HG in pregnancy so it seems totally unrealistic to me. I'm also worried that he will expect me to go into the office 3-4 days a week to supervise the new office staff we get. He didn't say this directly but I feel like it was implied.

Also, DH is a massive workaholic and expects that his life won't change, that he will be able to work as much as he always has and that I will do everything for the baby as I do everything for the home and family now. I feel like that would have been okay if I was a SAHM but not if I'm expected to carry on working too.

I'm having a massive reaction internally to this, it's seriously making me feel like I want to leave him and have a baby on my own. I'm aware that's probably an overreaction but it's been a couple of weeks since the conversation and I still strongly feel like that.

What do you think, AIBU?

I think @OnSusansFloor paints a very accurate picture of your future.

It's his complete lack of respect for your wants and desires that bothers me. The business is his baby, not yours. You made your dreams and aspirations clear. He's an arsehole for only taking his own needs into consideration and failing to work towards any sort of compromise.

I would, at the very least, leave the business. It forces him to find someone else to cover your job. He might try to rope you in but you can set clear boundaries and defer to your replacement. If the business cannot cope without you after slogging it out all these years, then how is any of the hard work worth it?

Your DH obviously likes being in control. Well, you need to grow a backbone OP and make it very clear that you will not be involved in his business at all during mat leave if that is what you want. You've given enough to the business, without even being a director. You don't take all your annual leave.

To summarise, he's a prick.

This is not the bloke you should have a baby with. You don't share the same values and, whatever he might say, he won't change. He doesn't respect you as an individual. He doesn't respect your time when you aren't working. Don't waste your life.

He could use a payroll company to pay staff. They'll be oversight then.

The working the first week after having a baby is unreasonable. So is your belief that having a baby entitled you to a life free of any financial responsibility.

I do know someone who was self employed who did do a few hours of work a week to keep her business running but that was her choice while she was off the first few months.

I would not have a child. Neither of you have realistic views.

@ILoveBostonTerriers
Going against the popular opinion here. My husband and I own our own business with the same split of work. He is field/operations and I am office/finance. We have 3 children.

When you own your own business you really are never off. I was a SAHM who did the financial work from home. I would have been massively uncomfortable having someone else handle money accounts. Its a very personal look into not just the business but your personal financial life.

My husband is smarter and more capable of me to do both sides but he would have never seen our children if he did both jobs. He works 60 plus hours a week as it is. His work generates the money to allows me to be home everyday (bar a few times I need to do a few hours in the office to meet people). We have a cleaner and a child minder come to the house when my kids were small so I could do work and errands like hair or doctor appointments, lunch with a friend. I was also at every school function, able to have my kids home when sick without worrying about my job, and so many more benefits. It was worth every minute of not getting maternity or time off etc.

My advice if you decide you love your husband and your life- get ahead while pregnant and find more ways to streamline and automate systems so you can check up of things more easily. Get office help for non financial related items, but don’t let someone else handle your books

If being a SAHM is important to you then don't have a baby with him. He's made his intentions and his priorities clear and he won't change his mind. I also can't believe people give up their own careers to do admin for their partners dream when they don't have an equal stake in it. I'd also honestly look into getting paid employment elsewhere.

Does he value you input at work, sounds like he doesn’t

but don’t let someone else handle your books

Genuine question here, does a professional brought in to do this work for a company actually care at all about the state of someone's finances? Surely they do several companies to make it a full time role and are bound by professional standards which no doubt have tonnes around confidentiality and handling this info appropriately. Are they honestly going to care?

How on Earth can you fit a baby into all of this your DH sounds inflexible and rigid

you are right easier on your own

Kudos to OP for having this conversation now and before a child was already here.

Echo-ing everyone else really. What I would add is when you have a baby you don’t know what you’re going to get. If it was a pre-order of straightforward pregnancy/labour and easy baby we’d all go for that menu option, but there is no menu.

Ranges from birth injuries and mental health for you to colic, ICU and maybe even long term disabilities for the child. It’s only now I realise this tbh (despite being one of the lucky ones) and for every post on MN about adorable new baby snuggles, there is a different story. Those people wouldn’t change it for the world but often is not what they thought they were signing up for.

I don’t mean to be Debby downer. I’m just offering a perspective that even if you wanted to work (and sounds like you don’t), there are a million reasons why it might be you can’t. Your DH needs to get his head around all this and more.

Plus I hope to god he doesn’t treat all staff like this or he’ll have no business.

He’s shown you who he is and what he expects from you so believe him, he sees you as a tool to make his life easier, he does not see you as an equal and he has clearly has no compassion or care for your health, it’s all about him and his business.

On a side note, how are you responsible for payroll if you don’t even know your own employment status? Presumably you are also responsible for your own pay so that’s quite concerning.

You've said what kind of mum you want to be. A stay at home, hands on mum. That's your dream.

What kind of father do you want for your child? Because he isn't involving himself at all here. But he wants your full involvement in the business whilst you're a sahm. I'm guessing unpaid too.

You're literally better off being single.

Will you be getting maternity pay, will he be claiming reimbursement for SMP from HMRC? Sounds dodgy to me. Maybe approach from that angle if he can't get his head round you needing time off.

@nidgey

Whilst YOU may think it is an over reaction.

I think any woman with even a smattering of self preservation would be wise to think long and hard about having children when they have written this about their workaholic husband who does nothing in their home, who doesn't believe they should take mat leave.

"I had an operation last year, not a massive one but surgeon advised me I should have two weeks off work for recovery and he was ringing me while I was in the hospital waiting for the surgery, to "just" do this, or that. I had no time off at all, I had a really tough time with my mental health for about two months after it, I had some really bad health anxiety and it was just so awful trying to deal with that and the stress of work and that was only a small operation, so it scares me to think what it would be like after a baby."

The OP has every reason to be wary and listening to her gut.

It's illegal for you not to take the first 2 weeks after having a baby as maternity leave so he can go whistle.

This is a terrible situation op. But not insurmountable. In fairness both dh and I were totally stupid and naive about the impact a baby has on a woman physically, on a relationship, and on both of our outlook on life. I thought I was going to learn Spanish and a new computer language whilst bouncing a baby on my knee in Mat leave! What an idiot I was.

say “ok dh, your plan isn’t going to work for me. I don’t enjoy this job so I’m going to quit then you can find an office admin and Hr and finance person. I will get a job elsewhere”

Then get yourself an employed role, let him solve his problems himself in running his business

then work for 9months to earn maternity leave as you can guess it’ll take a few months ttc

you will be glad of the independence later if the marriage goes to pot, and you will have a better mat leave .

And your relationship will probably improve

Well you have the information and foresight now so obviously don't have a child with him

awaits thread in 2yrs time complaining that he made you work through pregnancy and expects you to run a home, child and his business but you didn't see it coming

I'm retired but did run payrolls. Would he consider letting the accountants do the payroll, he must trust them. Obviously you need time off but do you have a good payroll package, I used Sage and if I was off sick or over covid I could easily do it from home so once baby is a bit older it could be easy to do payroll from home, obviously depends as if you employ a very large number of people it would be more difficult.

If he isn't prepared to consider anything you've got a tough decision to make. Hope it works out.

It won't, it will never get better if she does this either.

He will be furious with her and try to sabotage her in any way, not doing any parenting, not giving her a break, not doing his share of household tasks, going out or away more often, never covering sickleave when the child is ill....

There are many, many ways he will find to destroy her if she does this and stays.

OP, do you think you need to take a step back and reevaluate what you want from life?

you're in a job you don’t like, with an unsupportive partner. We’re only here once, don’t let your life be wasted away.

now, while there are no kids, is the time to make big changes.

you could have a job you love and a partner who supports you and raises a family with you in a way you both agree on.

This is true also.

I had my first DC in my 20s, I was an incredibly fit and healthy. A genetic heart problem was discovered and serious BP issues, so spent the majority of my pregnancies in hospital/ADU. I then had two disabled DC that needed weekly physio and plaster casts changing each week, which required visiting the closest major hospital 30 miles away.

Do not have a child with this man.

I worked in a family business. For my first baby I got a week off (partly due to Christmas/New Year) after being induced because of high blood pressure. Second child I decided to be outrageously selfish and take a whole month off. Third time baby was 2 1/2 weeks early. Was expected back in 10 days due to it being a peak business period. Returned on 10th day , was admitted to hospital that night with an infection due to partially retained placenta. Put yourself and your baby first. There are companies who will do payroll for you or your DH will have to pull up his socks and do it himself/temporarily employ a local book keeper.

So basically he's saying you don't deserve time to heal from the birth of his child? And you must continue to earn money through sleep deprivation, massive hormone changes and from my experience real actual PAIN. And that is from 3 absolutely straight forward births.
Pain from stitches, uterus contracting back into place, breastfeeding...
Your physical and emotional wellbeing aren't important?
Does this man really care about you (and will he care about future children?). Or does he care about what you do for his benefit?