DH and maternity leave - Who is BU?

[ILoveBostonTerriers]

DH and I have our own business, I run the accounts side of it and he does the field work, we have a small team and our own office though I work from home 95% of the time.

We've decided that we want to start TTC soon and we had a big discussion about what a baby might look like for us.

It turns out that, although we would hire someone to help with the office when I went on maternity leave, DH wouldn't want them to do any of the finance stuff and as we pay weekly, this basically means I wouldn't even get a full week truly off. I said I would show him how to do it, but he's refused to learn or to really negotiate, he's just saying it's what I'll have to do to keep the business going and staff in work etc.

For some context, I don't love the job. It's hard and it's stressful and I was always operating under the assumption that I would get to be a SAHM at least for the first few years until the baby went to school. It has some good points, in that when a potential child was at school I could easily work school hours only and be there for them before and after. My friend was in hospital for a week after her baby was born, and I know that some people get HG in pregnancy so it seems totally unrealistic to me. I'm also worried that he will expect me to go into the office 3-4 days a week to supervise the new office staff we get. He didn't say this directly but I feel like it was implied.

Also, DH is a massive workaholic and expects that his life won't change, that he will be able to work as much as he always has and that I will do everything for the baby as I do everything for the home and family now. I feel like that would have been okay if I was a SAHM but not if I'm expected to carry on working too.

I'm having a massive reaction internally to this, it's seriously making me feel like I want to leave him and have a baby on my own. I'm aware that's probably an overreaction but it's been a couple of weeks since the conversation and I still strongly feel like that.

What do you think, AIBU?

There are pros and cons to being self employed and to working with a marital partner.

I couldn’t hack it and got a 9-5 job as soon as I could instead but obviously there are pros and cons to this too…. I prefer these though!

Your DH's version of being a SAHM and yours are way different @ILoveBostonTerriers . You think it's being a full time DM with a few hours work when necessary, he doesn't, he thinks you'll be working whenever needed and the baby will come second. Do you really want a DC with a man who sees you are as his 24 hour a day assistant, childcare and housekeeper?
Far too many threads on MN where women wanted a baby and turned a blind eye to the bad attitutes of the DF but you can see clearly now he's not going to be a great Dad, he thinks the company comes first for both of you.

And as pps have said I know many women who run their own businesses who do continue to an extent during mat leave. But usually they want to do it and believe in the business. I wouldn’t do it for someone who saw me as an appliance and who wasn’t willing to take on his share. Would he consider having the baby with him in the bassinet? Would he be capable of working and caring for a baby?

Respectfully, if this business truly would absolutely fall apart without your presence and cannot cope without you for 6-12 weeks or however long you want off, it must be an abysmally run business.

It doesn't sound like your lifestyles and lifestyle wants for the future are compatible at all to be honest. I would be seriously rethinking this relationship. If you want kids, this probably isn't the man to do that with.

I run my own company and my maternity leave wasn't time off. I did get some time out, but I was still studying and working part-time. 3 months is a long stretch in your own company and 6 weeks not unusual.

I think you need a rethink however, this doesn't sound like it is your business. I made those sacrifices because I own it. That means when it sells, I get the lot. All my effort will reward ME. That's not the case here.

I think you need to get a different job OP and tell your DH that you will be leaving and why.

In his head, you are the support act who'll allow him to live his life how he wants.

You are doing a job you don't like, because he needs the help. Now he says he wants a baby but wants his life to continue exactly as it is.

Honestly, I wouldn't stick around trying to change him. He's completely selfish.

Take yourself out of there and find a job you love. Once you are happy with work, have a look around for someone who sees you as an equal.

They're called red flags for a reason. It doesn't sound like you are a joint owner of the business. It sounds like you are the unpaid help. Not good. Do not get pregnant until this is sorted properly, one way or another.

OP do you get annual leave and sick pay? Do you have a contract? Do you do your own tax returns?

Jesus. I wouldn’t be thinking of TTC, I’d be planning to leave. He has red flags all over, can you not see that?
His behaviour is not normal. Do not have a child with him no matter what.

If you're doing the accounts side you surely must know what your employment status is?
How do you pay tax?

I think you need independent advice

There are definitely pros and cons either way. Can I ask, how was your partner when you left to work 9-5? How did it go? Were they angry or upset or did they understand?

I think that's where I'm second guessing myself. He thinks I'm crazy when I say I prefer being employed, because money wise I would be earning about the same. But I have some flexibility with my time now, and I like working from home. But if I were employed I would have more of a work life balance, like he will speak to me about work at 11pm on a Saturday sometimes, and I take hardly any days off because I can't enjoy them when I do because I'm worried something will go wrong and I will need to sort it, I feel like I need to be near my computer at all times.

But even when I take everything into account, I still feel like the "better" way to have a baby in my circumstances would be to do it completely on my own, even though I would have to still work full time once maternity leave was over, but there would be a better work life balance and clear boundaries and I could enjoy days off and I wouldn't have to deal with any resentment over DH. Is that crazy?

It's a bit worrying that you do payroll, and have a key role in the business, but you are hazy about your own status and 'think' you are self employed? 🤔

Get clued up. Do some research.
Read up on employment and tax law. Find out your legal employment status for sure. Find out what you would legally be entitled to if you were to have a baby - i.e. not a lot if you are self employed instead of an employee.
If you are self-employed are you invoicing the company for your time? If not you may be on very dodgy legal ground - HMRC may consider that you should have been an employee all along and charge the company a small fortune in back tax and NI, plus a fine.
Is it a limited company, or are you and DH both self-employed partners? If you are legally partners then the above won't apply - your accountant will know. You really should know as well.
Find out what your shares are worth - if you have actual real 'shares' then it must be a limited company.

Find out what your pension status is - do you have one? Find out what his pension status is.

Find out about your house ownership status (assume you are not renting). Are you 'joint tenants' or 'tenants in common'. If the latter, how much of the house is in your name? Whose name is the mortgage in?

When you have all the answers and a lot more clarity, consider your position very, very carefully.

You can put safeguards in place to stop employees stealing - he's clearly paranoid

I think I'm classed as being self employed.

You think?

Yes.

Why do you want to be married to him?

Why do you work for him?

Look at your life. Is this what you want?

Your husband doesn't want a baby.

So if you do then yes better to leave.

But even when I take everything into account, I still feel like the "better" way to have a baby in my circumstances would be to do it completely on my own, even though I would have to still work full time once maternity leave was over, but there would be a better work life balance and clear boundaries and I could enjoy days off and I wouldn't have to deal with any resentment over DH. Is that crazy?

To be frank, yes.
Are you listening to what people are saying in this thread.

A lot of first time parents don’t have a realistic concept of what a baby involves until it hits them. Your DH is in that category. He needs to talk to other new parents to get a more realistic idea. Surely you can take more than a week off the books? What happens when you go on holiday? If you become a SAHM you will end up doing 100% of all home/child stuff since you already do the home stuff and it will be hard to change that when you go back to work. I gave birth in the US and was not entitled to maternity leave. I thought I was going to take the baby back to work and have her in a bassinet. I was quickly disabused of that notion after the birth and had to quit!

Are you paid a salary,, on payroll, paye tax/ni etc? If so you are an employee and have an entitlement to maternity leave and maternity pay. There is a statutory minimum of two weeks off and maximum of 10 KIT days before maternity pay ceases. Do none of the employees ever take maternity (or paternity) leave?

You say you're 'not doing anything dodgy' yet you have neither the benefit of being employed and being entitled to paid holidays, sick pay, maternity leave, which the company can claim (some?) of the cost of from the government nor being a director of the business.

But you're 'self employed' so lose out on those benefits, but are also denied the freedom to set your own hours and send a substitute when you're not available, eg when you're on maternity leave.

He can't have it both ways, but you'd be a fool to have a baby with him anyway.

Faaaaaaaaark this. Do not have a baby with this man.

I've been self employed for 18 years and I have had three babies and done a mixture of working with the baby and employing people. It's ALL been my choice and my comfort level, never has dh told me what to do because I'm a fucking adult. And I make my own decisions. His business his circus, I'd jump ship and get a job and then see if you want to have a baby with him because the new job will almost certainly give you more maternity leave (after you have been there the required weeks employed)

Look into it and believe what he's saying, he's telling you that you have no rights whatsoever.

*He says it's a trust issue, he doesn't want them to have access to the bank account. It seems a bit over the top to me, but he is kind of weirdly obsessed with people stealing from him, or taking things that are his."
Then he can learn to do it and do it himself. He's the one with the issue, you shouldn't be having to deal with the costs arising from that issue. He could potentially use an accounting firm to take care of payroll, instead of an individual. They'll be oversight that way.

@ILoveBostonTerriers

honestly why are you even contemplating having a baby with this man?

Yes Sunday dinner with business problems as a starter and desert was not sustainable for me.

DH accepted that the pros of work were pros all together esp paid holidays and sick leave but is still self employed himself. He does not understand boundaried work time and personal time and impinges on my ‘freedom’ by living that way but then he always did so I knew that and so lately I have insisted on having my own car so I can be free to come and go and I live in a ‘single style’ sometimes. But he is not into socialising anyway. I also am very strict with myself about not getting drawn into his work at all. I have stock phrases like ‘well I’m sure you will sort it’ etc ‘or I can’t really comment as I’m not involved these days’ or ‘the accountant is good with questions like that!’

ps my first dog was a Boston and they remain my favourite ❤️

This seems an over-reaction, maybe OP's dh doesn't fully understand what's involved with caring for a baby. Sounds like he needs to learn - fast - and step up to the plate for sure, but this kneejerk LTB attitude/advice is not helpful