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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and maternity leave - Who is BU?

343 replies

ILoveBostonTerriers · 14/07/2023 10:04

DH and I have our own business, I run the accounts side of it and he does the field work, we have a small team and our own office though I work from home 95% of the time.

We've decided that we want to start TTC soon and we had a big discussion about what a baby might look like for us.

It turns out that, although we would hire someone to help with the office when I went on maternity leave, DH wouldn't want them to do any of the finance stuff and as we pay weekly, this basically means I wouldn't even get a full week truly off. I said I would show him how to do it, but he's refused to learn or to really negotiate, he's just saying it's what I'll have to do to keep the business going and staff in work etc.

For some context, I don't love the job. It's hard and it's stressful and I was always operating under the assumption that I would get to be a SAHM at least for the first few years until the baby went to school. It has some good points, in that when a potential child was at school I could easily work school hours only and be there for them before and after. My friend was in hospital for a week after her baby was born, and I know that some people get HG in pregnancy so it seems totally unrealistic to me. I'm also worried that he will expect me to go into the office 3-4 days a week to supervise the new office staff we get. He didn't say this directly but I feel like it was implied.

Also, DH is a massive workaholic and expects that his life won't change, that he will be able to work as much as he always has and that I will do everything for the baby as I do everything for the home and family now. I feel like that would have been okay if I was a SAHM but not if I'm expected to carry on working too.

I'm having a massive reaction internally to this, it's seriously making me feel like I want to leave him and have a baby on my own. I'm aware that's probably an overreaction but it's been a couple of weeks since the conversation and I still strongly feel like that.

What do you think, AIBU?

OP posts:
SapphOhNo · 19/07/2023 10:22

Sounds like your DH has no real idea about what having a baby and a child is like.

I'm glad you've decided not to TTC with him for a bit. You might have to consider if your approaches to life are similar enough to stay together and have children.

Ilikepinacoladass · 19/07/2023 13:10

Icannot · 19/07/2023 10:15

The issue OP is what your life will look like after baby. We see it on here time and time again, women at rock bottom, knackered, relying on their husbands for money, expected to contribute and cover everything child related, whilst keeping on top of housework and cooking. Then suddenly you've let yourself go, you're no fun anymore, you're too tired for sex so they were perfectly reasonable to sleep with someone else and you find yourself in exactly the situation you didn't want to be, a single mum.

I think it sounds like the situation she doesn't want to be in is childless, rather than particularly not wanting to be a single mum?

Dullardmullard · 19/07/2023 13:40

Trickedbyadoughnut · 18/07/2023 16:58

You seem to be in denial about the rest of his behaviour. It would NOT be just to have maternity leave. It would be to leave a relationship where:

  • You do not have freedom to change jobs
  • He is financially controlling
  • If you try to discuss issues, he gets angry and shuts you down
  • He has actually damaged your mental health (after your operation) and has more or less told you he will do the same when you have a baby
  • He showed no regard for your physical health when you were going to be operated on and has more or less told you he will do the same when you have a baby
  • He does not compromise for you
  • He leaves you to do all domestic chores
  • He has pretty much told you he will be an absent father, just like with the dogs
  • He does not intend to help or even let you achieving your dream, despite all you have done for his

This, this is why you would be leaving him. I'm sure there's more, if you can get enough time and space to clear the fog, OP. This kind of behaviour gets WORSE during pregnancy and subsequently, not better.

This will bells on

therapy for you only too not with him as he’s abusive.

emerge from the fog and see him for who he is really.

carsharing · 19/07/2023 15:10

Husband bosses are the worse😅
I had to do the job exactly as usual with mine, but the work wasn't nearly as heavy as yours.
I think it is time for a conversation starting with a firm "no" from you.
Good luck

Original poster
ILoveBostonTerriers · 19/07/2023 17:48

Trickedbyadoughnut · 18/07/2023 16:58

You seem to be in denial about the rest of his behaviour. It would NOT be just to have maternity leave. It would be to leave a relationship where:

  • You do not have freedom to change jobs
  • He is financially controlling
  • If you try to discuss issues, he gets angry and shuts you down
  • He has actually damaged your mental health (after your operation) and has more or less told you he will do the same when you have a baby
  • He showed no regard for your physical health when you were going to be operated on and has more or less told you he will do the same when you have a baby
  • He does not compromise for you
  • He leaves you to do all domestic chores
  • He has pretty much told you he will be an absent father, just like with the dogs
  • He does not intend to help or even let you achieving your dream, despite all you have done for his

This, this is why you would be leaving him. I'm sure there's more, if you can get enough time and space to clear the fog, OP. This kind of behaviour gets WORSE during pregnancy and subsequently, not better.

This is difficult to read set out like this but you're right, I know it's true. I've been skirting around the issue for a while now and trying to ignore all this stuff. I wish that I wanted to leave him, but I just can't seem to want to. I think I do for a while but I never seem to gather up the strength to actually go.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 19/07/2023 18:17

Then you shouldn't have a baby with him. It's not fair to the child to knowingly bring him or her into a relationship filled with obvious disrespect, disregard and neglect. You knew what he was like before you had children, so it is you who will have to justify that to the child one day.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 19/07/2023 18:36

So you have low self esteem. And imagine bringing a baby to this. For your own child to watch you be treated like shit.

Nanny0gg · 19/07/2023 18:42

ILoveBostonTerriers · 19/07/2023 17:48

This is difficult to read set out like this but you're right, I know it's true. I've been skirting around the issue for a while now and trying to ignore all this stuff. I wish that I wanted to leave him, but I just can't seem to want to. I think I do for a while but I never seem to gather up the strength to actually go.

Show quote history

Then find yourself a good counsellor.

Otherwise you can look forward to a life of hard work and resentment

billy1966 · 19/07/2023 20:36

OP, I mean this kindly, but it seems clear that you don't appear able to leave him.

That is your choice. Sadly.

But knowing what you do about him and having written clearly how abusive he is, do not have a child with him.

It would be spectacularly selfish to knowingly bring an innocent child into such a toxic abusive home.

You would be so morally wrong to do this.

He is not a good decent man.

Don't inflict him on any child.

Feministwoman · 19/07/2023 20:40

@ILoveBostonTerriers ,you've posted many different threads about this man, he's quite frankly a monster.

You've come very close to leaving several times over the last few years, can you try to unpick what, exactly, stops you (often at the very last moment, even though you had a job and place to live sorted?)

Is it that he finds out you are going, and frightens/threatens you into staying?

Love bombs you with promises that "he'll change, if you stay?"

Please, please, just leave him. Take your dogs and get out

Duckingella · 19/07/2023 20:59

As someone who's married to a self employed workaholic;don't have kids with your man;it will be a lonely and miserable existence for you and you'll be back on here in a few years to say you're basically raising your kid alone & being treated as a glorified housekeeper and it'll be true.

IsThatHuw · 19/07/2023 21:21

OP I have pets (and DC).

I have a lot of love for my pets and they bring us great joy. They take up a lot of time; shopping, feeding, cleaning, stimulating, health maintenance etc. That’s excluding the emotional turmoil of pet sitters if we’re away, looking after them when one is sick etc.

I’m just drawing an analogy as you have dogs that children will be INFINITELY more relentless and high stake. If he’s like that with the dogs I just worry about his parenting.

ChatBFP · 19/07/2023 23:00

I'm really sorry OP, but I don't think that this relationship is salvageable. You don't feel able to leave now because you think it is your last chance to have a baby (it isn't). But there are thousands of women on here who then end up not leaving an abusive man because they don't want to split a family or leave children with an abusive man once they do have a child - you think you are trapped now, it gets worse once you have a baby. Please leave.

Totalwasteofpaper · 20/07/2023 17:05

If you know you want kids get out now... as in update your CV and start looking for a new job today.

The sooner you break up the sooner you can find a better match / have kids.
I met my DH "late" 33/34 and i am 39 and pregnant with DC 2.

You can only stay married if you want to accept this half life you've got where you are are a supporting cast member in the stage show of his life

billy1966 · 20/07/2023 18:08

Feministwoman · 19/07/2023 20:40

@ILoveBostonTerriers ,you've posted many different threads about this man, he's quite frankly a monster.

You've come very close to leaving several times over the last few years, can you try to unpick what, exactly, stops you (often at the very last moment, even though you had a job and place to live sorted?)

Is it that he finds out you are going, and frightens/threatens you into staying?

Love bombs you with promises that "he'll change, if you stay?"

Please, please, just leave him. Take your dogs and get out

Is this THAT poster that wanted to be a teacher and had a place to study but backed out.

Who has tried to get away several times?

Who's husband sits beside every evening and controls her bath times?

A real monster?

HP87 · 20/07/2023 18:16

This is my parents. My mum went back to work for my dad a week after my sibling was born. They're still together but she is so unhappy at home. Thankfully her children and now grandchildren bring her joy.
My dad has never changed, money first, feelings/emotions/mental health second.

Pinkneonballoon · 20/07/2023 18:22

He sounds like a nightmare tbh. He's like a selfish little boy with his stuff and his buisness, incase anyone take it from him! Not giving a shit what you want or need.

He's setting the bar on the floor for parenthood.

Newestname002 · 20/07/2023 18:48

@billy1966

I really member that thread. My heart sank into my boots when she walked back into the trap. I hope, if this is still the same person, than she finally manages to get free. 🌹

aloris · 20/07/2023 18:59

ILoveBostonTerriers · 18/07/2023 16:38

I definitely won't be TTC with him at the moment.

What can I do though. Having a baby is a non negotiable for me, can I really just leave a marriage over this? It feels like it would have to be all or nothing. I can't see it going down well if I wanted to just get another job and I can't imagine that he would ever change. I have to accept everything how he says or leave and be on my own. When I look at it, struggling for money on my own, pregnancy and raising a child on my own, having to get a job and work full time anyway, should I really put myself (and a potential baby) through all that just to have a maternity leave?

I think you, like your husband, are misunderstanding the necessity of a maternity leave. When you have a baby, the baby will need to be fed every 1.5 to 2 hours, FOR 1 to 1.5 hours ROUND THE CLOCK. You will get your sleep 30 minutes at a time for at least 6 to 8 weeks. Then the round-the-clock aspect may start slowing down a bit, but many mums find that their babies don't sleep through the night until well over 6 months old. Getting back to the first couple of months: during the 0.5 hours (or less) that you are not feeding the baby, you will not be free to do finance work, because you will be taking care of the baby. The baby will be crying, will need diapers changed, will need to be burped, etcetera. The baby will make clothing dirty that needs to be washed, will need crib sheets washed. If you formula feed, the bottles and so on will need to be washed and sterilized. And so on. All that can only happen in those 30 minute stretches (if you even get those: if you have a colicky baby then many of those 30 minute stretches of non-feeding will be spent rocking the baby and you will have less than 2 hours of sleep per day for days on end).

Most mums who take care of a newborn get to a point where we are so tired we're not sure how it's possible to be this tired and still be alive. It feels like you're about to fall over and die from sheer exhaustion.

It's also really hard on your body. Sleep deprivation is used as torture. Lots of women never quite recover physically from pregnancy, childbirth, taking care of a baby.

And your husband thinks in the middle of all this you are going to be managing the finances? He's in fantasy land.

Maternity leave is not something you can do without. It's not a negotiable thing. Either he agrees to it and plans for it, or you don't have a baby, or you leave him and have a baby without him. Those are the only options. Having a baby and trying to do it without you having maternity leave would be an incredibly stupid decision on his part that might well lead to the loss of his business.

billy1966 · 20/07/2023 21:30

Newestname002 · 20/07/2023 18:48

@billy1966

I really member that thread. My heart sank into my boots when she walked back into the trap. I hope, if this is still the same person, than she finally manages to get free. 🌹

Me too.

One of half a dozen posters that I can remember so clearly and would always hoped somehow found the strength to escape.

Didn't they have a second house that she could have gone to?

God bless her, where ever she is.

Newestname002 · 20/07/2023 23:15

Yes there was and she'd been preparing it as her bolt hole. 🌹

Coulditreallybe · 20/07/2023 23:52

@ILoveBostonTerriers lots of women only discover their partners are terrible once they’ve had children with them.

you know he’s terrible before you’re even pregnant.

if you go on to have children with him, you’re knowingly inflicting that on them.

that would make you a bad mother too.

i know that’s blunt but seriously, don’t do that to them.

Seeusernamehistort · 20/07/2023 23:54

I remember that woman so well… if she wanted a bath he’d stink up the room, she had to have permission to wash her hair. I think of her often. I pray she got away but I fear she didn’t 😨

Feministwoman · 21/07/2023 08:25

billy1966 · 20/07/2023 18:08

Is this THAT poster that wanted to be a teacher and had a place to study but backed out.

Who has tried to get away several times?

Who's husband sits beside every evening and controls her bath times?

A real monster?

Show quote history

@billy1966 ,yes, I believe it is

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/07/2023 09:09

Oh my god! If this is the person who wanted to be a teacher and backed out.

RUN DONT WALK.

Please leave him i remember your post he is abusive and awful. Not all relationships are like this.