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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and maternity leave - Who is BU?

343 replies

ILoveBostonTerriers · 14/07/2023 10:04

DH and I have our own business, I run the accounts side of it and he does the field work, we have a small team and our own office though I work from home 95% of the time.

We've decided that we want to start TTC soon and we had a big discussion about what a baby might look like for us.

It turns out that, although we would hire someone to help with the office when I went on maternity leave, DH wouldn't want them to do any of the finance stuff and as we pay weekly, this basically means I wouldn't even get a full week truly off. I said I would show him how to do it, but he's refused to learn or to really negotiate, he's just saying it's what I'll have to do to keep the business going and staff in work etc.

For some context, I don't love the job. It's hard and it's stressful and I was always operating under the assumption that I would get to be a SAHM at least for the first few years until the baby went to school. It has some good points, in that when a potential child was at school I could easily work school hours only and be there for them before and after. My friend was in hospital for a week after her baby was born, and I know that some people get HG in pregnancy so it seems totally unrealistic to me. I'm also worried that he will expect me to go into the office 3-4 days a week to supervise the new office staff we get. He didn't say this directly but I feel like it was implied.

Also, DH is a massive workaholic and expects that his life won't change, that he will be able to work as much as he always has and that I will do everything for the baby as I do everything for the home and family now. I feel like that would have been okay if I was a SAHM but not if I'm expected to carry on working too.

I'm having a massive reaction internally to this, it's seriously making me feel like I want to leave him and have a baby on my own. I'm aware that's probably an overreaction but it's been a couple of weeks since the conversation and I still strongly feel like that.

What do you think, AIBU?

OP posts:
TinyTeacher · 14/07/2023 10:50

DON'T get pregnant unless/until you can find a solution you are both happy with. He has made his expectations clear and you don't think they are reasonable. Your intended futures might not be compatible. Best to find that out BEFORE you have a child. Hammer out ground rule s. If your relationship isn't strong enough for that conversation, it's not strong enough to bring children into. Don't make that mistake.

Original poster
ILoveBostonTerriers · 14/07/2023 10:51

Silvered · 14/07/2023 10:38

Tell him that if he's that concerned about it, why not go the whole hog? Work right up until the baby crowns, close the door and squat over a briefcase, pop newborn in a bassinet next to your desk, pop a couple of paracetamol and then back to the invoices!

What a monumental dickhead. Lucky for you he's shown his true colours now; that he's one of those blokes that wants children but only in the strictest hands-off sense of the word. He wants you to do all of the child-rearing, sticky stuff and emotional load-bearing, whilst he wafts in and out and gets to grandly tell people about how his children are "brilliant", safe in the knowledge that he doesn't actually have to do anything.

I don't think you are overreacting at all. I think your gut is screaming at you - with bloody good reason.

Y'know what, I laughed at that, but I don't think it's that far from the truth of what he expects.

I had an operation last year, not a massive one but surgeon advised me I should have two weeks off work for recovery and he was ringing me while I was in the hospital waiting for the surgery, to "just" do this, or that. Everything

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveBostonTerriers · 14/07/2023 10:52

Silvered · 14/07/2023 10:38

Tell him that if he's that concerned about it, why not go the whole hog? Work right up until the baby crowns, close the door and squat over a briefcase, pop newborn in a bassinet next to your desk, pop a couple of paracetamol and then back to the invoices!

What a monumental dickhead. Lucky for you he's shown his true colours now; that he's one of those blokes that wants children but only in the strictest hands-off sense of the word. He wants you to do all of the child-rearing, sticky stuff and emotional load-bearing, whilst he wafts in and out and gets to grandly tell people about how his children are "brilliant", safe in the knowledge that he doesn't actually have to do anything.

I don't think you are overreacting at all. I think your gut is screaming at you - with bloody good reason.

Sorry my post got cut off, should have been:

Y'know what, I laughed at that, but I don't think it's that far from the truth of what he expects.

I had an operation last year, not a massive one but surgeon advised me I should have two weeks off work for recovery and he was ringing me while I was in the hospital waiting for the surgery, to "just" do this, or that. I had no time off at all, I had a really tough time with my mental health for about two months after it, I had some really bad health anxiety and it was just so awful trying to deal with that and the stress of work and that was only a small operation, so it scares me to think what it would be like after a baby.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/07/2023 10:54

ILoveBostonTerriers · 14/07/2023 10:21

Yes, it's something we'd discussed a lot. He knew I wanted to be a SAHM, it's something I've always said, and he had never said it was something I wouldn't be able to do. This is the first time we've really sat down to talk in such detail, because we were feeling like the time is right to TTC, but I feel like it was always understood before now, I left my job to help him build the business and follow his dream and then it would be my turn for him to help me follow my dream afterwards. I know being a SAHM isn't everyone's dream, but it is for me.

Show quote history

Well if you have a baby with him you're going to be doing it on your own anyway.

Plus working somewhere you don't really want to work.

You need to have a good long think then talk about the future. It doesn't look like one you want

NoSquirrels · 14/07/2023 10:54

Blobblobblob · 14/07/2023 10:46

Are you formally an employee, or part owner of the business? What is your legal status there?

This is important. Is he your boss, or are your equal partners? Legally and emotionally?

Nanny0gg · 14/07/2023 10:55

ILoveBostonTerriers · 14/07/2023 10:52

Sorry my post got cut off, should have been:

Y'know what, I laughed at that, but I don't think it's that far from the truth of what he expects.

I had an operation last year, not a massive one but surgeon advised me I should have two weeks off work for recovery and he was ringing me while I was in the hospital waiting for the surgery, to "just" do this, or that. I had no time off at all, I had a really tough time with my mental health for about two months after it, I had some really bad health anxiety and it was just so awful trying to deal with that and the stress of work and that was only a small operation, so it scares me to think what it would be like after a baby.

Show quote history

What is the reason you can't say No to him?

If that had been me I'd have slammed the phone down on him
And I wouldn't have done a thing till I was recovered

How successful is this business?

MoonSea · 14/07/2023 10:55

Even if you don't have a baby it's probably a good idea to have someone trained up to do the payroll. What if you get sick or something?

PuttingDownRoots · 14/07/2023 10:55

He does realise that you have to physically care for a child, you don't just pop them in a cot in a corner while you work?

PinkyFlamingo · 14/07/2023 10:56

Do not have a baby please.

TheOrigRights · 14/07/2023 10:57

The only person on this planet who would say YABU is your husband.
Has he changed since you decided to get married?
Please don't have a child with him, find someone who values you and their child.

Doidontimmm · 14/07/2023 10:58

What if you are in labour/hospital- does no one get paid if you are the only person that can do payroll? That’s crazy!

Brefugee · 14/07/2023 11:01

have only read OPs posts but: make sure you are taking 42 types of contraceptive and don't have any sex until you have a cast iron guarantee that you can have a) proper maternity leave 2) can be a SAHM with zero input to the company for x years and iii) that DH will step up and be a proper partner/parent

you are going to get none of these, at least none that are worth the paper they are printed on.

Don't have children with this man unless you are prepared for him to carry on exactly as he does now, and for you to never get proper maternity/SAHM opportunities.

If you go ahead and have a child with him: don't whine about it. You have your eyes open now.

billy1966 · 14/07/2023 11:01

So he has given you dummy run as to exactly what things would be like.

He bullied you after an operation and caused you to have MH issues?

Have you seriously no idea just how vulnerable you would be after having a child with him.

Ring Women's aid and ask what they think of you being bullied to return to work directly after surgery.

You are in an abusive relationship with a gut that is screaming at you to get out.

For goodness sake listen to it.

Silvered · 14/07/2023 11:01

How he behaved when you were ill, is a great indicator of how he would behave when you were vulnerable - i.e. after just having had a baby.

Ask yourself - does he see you as a person who needs care and love? If you have a stinking cold, is he telling you to get yourself off to bed and bringing you a cup of tea and a box of tissues?

Or is he someone that's only there when things are good? Is he someone who is great to spend time with as long as you are working hard, keeping everything going, and all he has to do is show up?

If he's the latter man, then DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH HIM. And I would be taking serious steps to remove myself from the marriage. As a PP has said, if you want a child you'd be better to go it alone. At least that way you wouldn't have to be fending off Gordon Gekko demanding to know where the latest set of KPIs are, whilst you're busy trying to latch on a fussy newborn and wondering if you'll ever sleep again.

rickandmorts · 14/07/2023 11:02

I was so poorly and tired after having DD, I could barely string a sentence together for a few weeks. Absolutely no way could I have done a company's payroll. What if it's due the day after you give birth? Would you be seriously expect you to do it? All your thoughts and energies should be focused on your precious baby in the weeks after birth, not worrying about work.

Silvered · 14/07/2023 11:03

PS. The latter man doesn't see you as a person, by the way. He sees you as a female appliance. There to input into his business, run the house, provide sex and companionship, bear children, and most importantly to do it all without complaint or asking him for jack-shit. You being ill - or wanting something as grossly selfish as your legally entitled maternity leave - is an example of the appliance malfunctioning.

rickandmorts · 14/07/2023 11:03

*would he

CatStankShame · 14/07/2023 11:04

Are you a joint owner or an employee?

Nodancingshoes · 14/07/2023 11:04

Well I struggled to get dressed some days with a newborn so if he thinks you will be able to do your normal office job in the first few weeks he is very much mistaken....

Makegoodchoices · 14/07/2023 11:04

Does he actually want children? Is this his way of stopping you having any?

Ponoka7 · 14/07/2023 11:06

I've been a SAHM to a workaholic. My part was respected and appreciated though. If it's something that you go ahead with, make sure a pension is being paid into. As asked are you legally employed? Have you got a pension now? You could get really screwed over. Your MH is going to be low during pregnancy and after birth with this man. No-one knows how much sleep they will get with a baby, how high needs the baby will be etc which is why we have the maternity leave that we do. You need six months off minimum. He needs to look up the cost of childcare and read about baby/child development. He isn't going to appreciate the cuddles,vtime spent doing nothing etc the baby needs. He's going to be an absent father. He sounds emotionally distant and really you need to rethink things.

Shinyandnew1 · 14/07/2023 11:06

I was always operating under the assumption that I would get to be a SAHM at least for the first few years until the baby went to school.

This clearly isn’t going to happen with this man. He doesn’t want you to be a SAHM and that decision needs to be joint. I wouldn’t be having a baby with him at any time soon.

Fizzadora · 14/07/2023 11:07

Why doesn't he want anyone else involved in the finances. Are you doing something dodgy?

You are a fool if you have a child with this man OP.

excelledyourself · 14/07/2023 11:08

I do everything for the home and family now.

Just to clarify, when you say "family", do you mean you and DH? Or does he have children already?

Either way, I wouldn't have a baby with him.

Badger1970 · 14/07/2023 11:08

I also work with my DH. When my Dad was dying and in a hospice, I was working full time-ish (at least 6 hrs a day) and then spending the rest of it with my Dad. When he died, I still came in. And sat sobbing in between phone calls.

I'm now doing the job through gritted teeth tbh. It's not work the life sacrifices and DH treats me like the office skivvy at times too.

Don't have a baby with someone like this - it won't ever get better.