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AIBU?

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Original poster

A stranger grabbed my babies hand and I didn’t react

299 replies

Jacketpotatogirl · 14/07/2023 09:07

I had an awkward encounter yesterday that has never happened to me before and I do not think I reacted correctly.

I’m a first time mum to a 2 month old and I have anxiety which is probably why I didn’t say anything. A stranger (mid 40’s) came up to me and my DS in a coffee shop whilst I was with my friend yesterday and grabbed his hand out of no where, I didn’t even see her before she did it and she didn’t even start talking to me first. She then continued to tell me how gorgeous DS was. But kept putting her hands all over him and up his arms. I froze because it made me feel uncomfortable but I didn’t say anything as I do not know what I should of done in this situation.

What would you have done? Because DH told me I should have told her to not touch him and now I wish I spoke up but didn’t want to sound like I’m over reacting. It made me feel really uncomfortable, is this normal? What would you do?

OP posts:
Verbena17 · 14/07/2023 11:06

Jacketpotatogirl · 14/07/2023 10:57

@Verbena17 No I’ve never asked anyone to wash hands apart from when he was in the NICU which is understandable

So that’s what I mean …..your family could pass on anything to him but you’re not phased by it. I’ve seen about her yanking his arm so that’s a different issue but germ-wise, please consider getting support if you think your level of germ phobia isn’t the norm….so you don’t pass the phobia on to him as he grows. Check out the ingredients in the spray - I bet there’s stuff in there you really want to be breathing in and absorbing!

Perhaps your more sensitive about it (understandably) from him having being in NICU.

Ovinnik · 14/07/2023 11:07

I bet that small interaction with your child gave that person so much pleasure.

7eleven · 14/07/2023 11:11

Of course it’s different with family members or friends, but I remember asking my daughter if I could pick up her new baby, when I first met her.

I also ask my older granddaughter if I can have a cuddle and if she says no, it’s made clear that that’s her right to say.

Thinking about it, none of the children in my family are kissed and cuddled without asking them if it’s ok. I think it’s really important that children know they have autonomy over their bodies.

Strawberrycocktail · 14/07/2023 11:11

The yank and the cracking bones would have worried me and I think its only natural you were concerned for your baby afterwards. Hopefully no harm done but the roughness with a little baby is a little worrying.

Appleass · 14/07/2023 11:12

Goodness me, so what ! You need to chill out, and probably caused more issues to your baby drown his skin in chemicals, from the hand sanitiser

DuchessOfSausage · 14/07/2023 11:12

@Ovinnik , so a stranger getting a bit of pleasure is more important than respecting another human being's personal space.
It's somebody's baby not an animal in a petting farm.

222333Annie · 14/07/2023 11:13

I had this happen to me and I just froze I’m a first time mum and really anxious about that kind of stuff but when it came to it I was just in shock.I took him home and bathed him straight away and I felt really guilty about it like I’m a bad mum.Now if anyone asks to hold him or tries to come near him who he’s not familiar with I say I’m sorry he gets really grumpy when people touch or hold him.I’ve also become comfortable with outright telling people no but like someone said in the previous comments it’s unlikely any harm will come to them but it’s how it makes you feel as the parent and people need boundaries !

Greenbirdgreengrass · 14/07/2023 11:16

DuchessOfSausage · 14/07/2023 11:12

@Ovinnik , so a stranger getting a bit of pleasure is more important than respecting another human being's personal space.
It's somebody's baby not an animal in a petting farm.

Babies don’t have a sense of personal space. Because they need other humans to attend to all their bodily needs. And because they need human bodily contact to develop their brains.

ElectriciansMate · 14/07/2023 11:16

I think the world needs love, and she was just a woman trying to express that love. My grandson was found last week, carrying a dog's poo. My daughter is still trying to get over it.
Personally, I'd grin and bear it. I do agree in this day and age, most people know not to touch babies unless asking for permission first. But I wouldn't lose sleep over what happened. Unless she was clearly dirty. Then yes, I'd get out the hand sanitizer.

Jimminycricketz · 14/07/2023 11:17

Comedycook · 14/07/2023 10:50

Babies are little people who cannot say yes or no yet. It’s not okay to just touch them because they’re cute little babies - regardless of if it’s an abuser or a random granny

No...not regardless of whether it's an abuser or a random granny. I was in a cafe and an older lady asked if she could hold my baby. I happily handed her over. Of course it makes a huge difference as to who the person is.

Actually this reminds me of the time a toddler on the train nearly fell between the gap while the parent was busy sorting out their luggage. I bent down and put my arm in front of the toddler so they wouldn't fall between the gap and got the most filthy look off the parent. Perhaps I should have watched the child fall onto the rails.

You’ve deliberately missed the point.. you were asked for permission. You have consent.

Thosepeskyseagulls · 14/07/2023 11:19

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 14/07/2023 09:15

I don't get what all the fuss is about, what do you think is going to happen from someone touching his hand. Babies are not more vulnerable than they used to be years ago you know.

But weirdly more of them seem to survive now?

Jimminycricketz · 14/07/2023 11:20

LaterHarold · 14/07/2023 10:54

I really couldn't live my life like this. The reality is that the risk of childhood abuse is most likely to come from within the family.

Show quote history

You can’t live your life teaching your children from a young age about consent and bodily autonomy? Okay then

Nevermind31 · 14/07/2023 11:21

Had this a lot, especially with my very handsome and smiley second one.
”please don’t touch the baby” works sometimes. Other times it had to be a slightly louder “no touching!”, and once I had to physically block someone because they were not listening.
people have different levels of acceptance- what someone else feels comfortable with you don’t. And that is ok.

PoshPineapple · 14/07/2023 11:23

Look at it this way....how would you feel if everyone completely ignored and disregarded your baby? I'd be beaming with pride if a stranger coo'd over my newborn. Try and take it for what it was, a well-meaning onlooker admiring your beautiful baby, not someone out to infect them!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 14/07/2023 11:26

2mummies1baby · 14/07/2023 10:27

When this happened to me, I said very firmly, "Please don't touch my baby, she hasn't had her jabs yet."

To those of you saying OP is being ridiculous, my sister is a consultant paediatrician and told me not to let anyone touch my baby without washing their hands first until the baby had had her first three rounds of jabs. Admittedly this was in the winter, so there was a lot more going around, but trying to protect your unvaccinated baby from stranger germs is in no way unreasonable.

Ugh, you and that paediatrician sound like precious idiots

Greenbirdgreengrass · 14/07/2023 11:27

Jimminycricketz · 14/07/2023 10:39

Its not taking it out of context a vast generalisation at all. Babies are little people who cannot say yes or no yet. It’s not okay to just touch them because they’re cute little babies - regardless of if it’s an abuser or a random granny. Most babies have families and extended networks to love and cuddle them. They don’t need strangers to provide that. If you can’t understand that then perhaps you need to have another look at consent..

Show quote history

This is crazy. Absolutely crazy. How does a new born baby give consent to anyone? It can’t.

Consent is a concept that applies to older children and adults who have a sense of personal and bodily autonomy. It does not apply to two month olds.

PP was right. Humans are evolved to love and care for little humans. They is not limited to family as a child may need to rely on support outside the family to survive. It’s a good thing that adults in general delight in babies. It’s not something we should be trying to stifle by misunderstanding and misapplying concepts of consent.

LivinDaylights · 14/07/2023 11:27

I mean I sort of get not wanting every man and his dog touching your baby, but I assume you and your family touch them, are you telling me you constantly sanitise your hands everytime you go anywhere and touch a door etc? No idea what baby safe hand sanitiser is, having had 3 children (one in the middle of covid) I have never sanitised their hands, bit of a weird thing to carry for an immobile baby? I'm pretty sure sticking chemicals on your babies hands that then go in their mouth is worse for them than someone touching their hand. You are probably doing more harm than good here killing all germs with your sanitiser, they need to build up an immune system.

Willmafrockfit · 14/07/2023 11:28

i also felt odd and guilty but no harm was done.

YukoandHiro · 14/07/2023 11:30

Peony654 · 14/07/2023 09:26

I think 'drowning' a child in sanitizer is probably more worrying. So bizarre. No wonder there's so many allergies nowadays

This isn't how allergies start - it's almost all genetics and partly to do with early feeding patterns, antibiotic use during pregnancy and early months and gut health - but ok, you keep perpetuating these myths that make parents of multiple allergy children feel worse than they already do

Jimminycricketz · 14/07/2023 11:32

Greenbirdgreengrass · 14/07/2023 11:27

This is crazy. Absolutely crazy. How does a new born baby give consent to anyone? It can’t.

Consent is a concept that applies to older children and adults who have a sense of personal and bodily autonomy. It does not apply to two month olds.

PP was right. Humans are evolved to love and care for little humans. They is not limited to family as a child may need to rely on support outside the family to survive. It’s a good thing that adults in general delight in babies. It’s not something we should be trying to stifle by misunderstanding and misapplying concepts of consent.

Show quote history

You are completely, disgustingly wrong. I can’t even believe what I’ve just read. A new born baby can’t consent so it’s open season to touch them? Wow. That’s why it’s the caregivers job to consent on their behalf. If you’re happy to consent, great, if people just touch without asking or when someone says no, THAT IS NOT OKAY! I just don’t understand what is so difficult to grasp about this.

Also - it is completely different to touch someone to avoid an accident. You cannot compare that at all.

Superdupes · 14/07/2023 11:33

Jacketpotatogirl · 14/07/2023 09:20

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream I am sure nothing would come of it and he will be fine, one of my friends babies was really unwell in hospital due to being touched at a wedding and I think that’s where my anxiety comes from

Really? What did they get that meant they needed hospitalising and they know for sure was from being touched by someone at a wedding?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 14/07/2023 11:33

'But weirdly more of them seem to survive now?
@Thosepeskyseagulls I don't think higher child mortality rates were down to a hand-hold from a nice old lady, don't be so ridiculous

CRAmum · 14/07/2023 11:35

Hi OP,

I think you feel this way because you've had a tough beginning with your baby, which resulted in a NICU stay and treatment for sepsis. My DS started out life the same way and it made me incredibly anxious but I stopped caring when I realised he'd become a bouncy, robust toddler!

I can see why it's made you anxious and was the same. I hated anyone cooing over him as he was so fragile to begin with.

I hope you're ok and from a NICU mummy to another, I think you're brilliant 👏

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 14/07/2023 11:36

@Jimminycricketz wow, what an overreaction. Are you one of those people who ask for newborn's permission before you change their nappy? Grin

pimplebum · 14/07/2023 11:38

Firstly the original story that triggered you is false and you need help unpacking that
No baby goes to hospital from being touched otherwise ALL our babies would be ill and we would raise them in plastic bubbles cases

When your baby goes to nursery and school they will get touched and be touch constantly - lots of germs nits, worms, scabies

Over sanitising is very drying and kills good bacteria

The best thing you can do is get help to overcome this phobia as it's causing unhappiness