A stranger grabbed my babies hand and I didn’t react

[Jacketpotatogirl]

I had an awkward encounter yesterday that has never happened to me before and I do not think I reacted correctly.

I’m a first time mum to a 2 month old and I have anxiety which is probably why I didn’t say anything. A stranger (mid 40’s) came up to me and my DS in a coffee shop whilst I was with my friend yesterday and grabbed his hand out of no where, I didn’t even see her before she did it and she didn’t even start talking to me first. She then continued to tell me how gorgeous DS was. But kept putting her hands all over him and up his arms. I froze because it made me feel uncomfortable but I didn’t say anything as I do not know what I should of done in this situation.

What would you have done? Because DH told me I should have told her to not touch him and now I wish I spoke up but didn’t want to sound like I’m over reacting. It made me feel really uncomfortable, is this normal? What would you do?

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream where is the line then? What age does it magically become unacceptable to touch another without asking first? Because that seems to be the issue that you and a lot of other posters are missing. Touching. Without. Consent. It’s just not hysterical in any way to want someone to ASK before they touch your baby!

sadly they won't because OP will probably have them cosseted at home, spraying them madly if they try to crawl anywhere.

I'm curious what this magical age is too! MN is very weird- normally people are very much understanding of those with MH issues and OP has said she has suffers from acute anxiety yet apparently thats fair game to be ripped apart and blamed for the fall of a decent society. Weird how MH is to be respected until its a new mum 🙄

Personally I'd have smiled at the woman, thanked her for the compliment to my baby and got on with my day.
Yes, there are germs. Yes, a tiny minority of people have nefarious intent towards children. Yes, there are social boundaries around touching. Though these very rarely strictly apply to hand to hand.
But we really need to keep some perspective here. A woman taking hold a baby's hand in the presence of its mother has no realistic chance of causing the smallest of harm. Bringing our children up to see every contact with another human being as a source of contagion or danger by default on the other hand, has the potential to be very harmful indeed.

It’s one thing to ask to touch a stranger’s baby, it’s another to just go up when the parent hasn’t seen you and you haven’t said anything to the parent and start touching their baby.

I’ve had this happen in a shop OP but they were touching my baby’s face while my back was turned and was picking something up. He started crying because he was on his way to sleep and I turned and there was some woman stroking his cheek. I was too shocked to say anything and my face said it all because she immediately apologised. It’s not something I grew up seeing (not from the UK) and people always asked.

I really don’t get why it’s so hard to ask permission especially since it’s a stranger’s baby. It wouldn’t be acceptable if an adult stranger walked up and started stroking a child, teenager, or adult’s hand without them seeing the person beforehand where they are unable to give consent beforehand so why are babies fair game when the parents are standing right there?

A woman taking hold a baby's hand in the presence of its mother has no realistic chance of causing the smallest of harm.

OP didn’t see the person beforehand nor did the person say anything to OP which makes a difference imo.

Just because the stranger saw OP doesn’t mean they should have done so when OP didn’t see them and they didn’t make sure she did or say anything. It’s basic manners to at least say hello.

Thank you for everyone for commenting on my post. I won’t be replying on this thread anymore. For those who commented to say that they wouldn’t have minded and their reasoning why, thank you. I wrote this post to see what others would have done so I know how do deal with this situation in future, I didn’t expect a lot of nasty key board warrior woman to comment. The type of woman who are unsupportive of other mums, especially those struggling. So many people thinking they know situations that they didn’t even witness. I think telling someone to get a grip is uncalled for. Or the “what is the world coming to!” As if I’m not a human being with feelings. I don’t know something about nasty woman leaving nasty comments to someone with anxiety doesn’t sit right with me.

I’ve read through all the responses and I can see I was a bit over the top spraying babies hand. I’m glad I spoke to her and had a chat. Next time I’ll just politely ask someone not to touch him. Maybe when he’s a few months older I probably won’t care. I’m sure he will be licking the floor soon and other people touching people won’t bother me in the slightest!

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream Did you just accuse a paediatrician of being a 'precious idiot' about the health of a baby?! 😂

@Mariposista My above post was about woman like you who say things like this. We go to baby groups 3 times a week and I’m constantly out with him. Just because I don’t want someone grabbing my babies arm behind my back. Have you always been a very nasty woman?

OP, ignore posters like this.

The moment you mentioned you had anxiety, it brings in posters like this regardless if you have a good reason for being upset. It happens every thread that a poster mentions something along those lines.

@phoenixrosehere I just don’t understand why it gives people a reason to be horrible, a bit over dramatic but what if someone was really struggling on edge? Comments like that could really push them over. I just wanted opinions to my situation and was happy for people to tell me they wouldn’t have minded and why. I just didn’t expect the nastiness. Then again it’s mumsnet so maybe I shouldn’t have known better. I’m just a mum in her 20’s who’s struggled with losses and wants to protect my baby a bit due to my loss anxiety.

No idea. Says more about them than anything else. Just remember they’re strangers that you likely and hopefully never have to deal with outside of Mumsnet.

@Jacketpotatogirl I know it's easier said than done, but please try to ignore all the horrible comments. The worst 'crime' you could possibly considered to be guilty of is being slightly over-protective of your precious 2 month old baby who spent time in NICU and came after multiple miscarriages! Anyone who can't understand why that might be really needs to take a long hard look at themselves.

@Jacketpotatogirl Just to clarify, I don't think you're over-protective at all. My baby had Covid at 3 months old and was admitted to hospital. It was terrifying. I'm much more relaxed now she's older and has had all her jabs, but I was very careful about people touching her until she was about 4 months old.

Op, maybe empathising with the lady who touched your baby, rather than seeing it as an attack, might help with your anxiety. Maybe the lady has remembered her grandchild whom she didn't see since a long time. Maybe she remembers being a mum once. Maybe she remembered someone she lost. Maybe it's an expression of love.

I would try not to give my child a fear of people. Anxiety is a crippling thing and if I had my time with young children again I would be as relaxed about everything as I could possibly be.

I've lost both my parents. I dont go up to elderly people and start touching them because I miss my parents. OP is NOT responsible for comforting anyone else's grief by using her baby as some kind of comfort blanket. Its polite to ASK first when its a complete stranger. Why is this elderly woman's feelings any more important than the OP?- the actual mother of the baby? She doesnt like it. She is perfectly allowed to not like it.

Interesting that "mid 40s" is now "elderly"!

Gosh OP, he’s brand new! Of course you’re going to have strong feelings about people touching him and also be unsure about the reasonableness of this.

Dont worry about the fact you didn’t do anything, there won’t be any lasting harm done.

That said, you’re completely within your rights to move him away from uninvited hands, and also to say “please don’t touch him, he’s immune system is still very new” or words to that effect.

I am sorry you are struggling with things but your friend's baby didn't end up in hospital due to being touched at a wedding.

Didn't see the mid 40s part, sorry 🤣
But anyway I was suggesting an empathy exercise.
Not op's responsibility, wow such coldness, you probably need to develop empathy too.

@Jacketpotatogirl it's your child and you set the rules. I'd you don't want people touching your baby then don't allow it. Practice saying No, please don't touch. If other people are happy then great but you aren't and you don't have to be. Your kids aren't there from the pleasure of others nor are they a curiosity. My kids 3 & 4 understand we don't touch other babies or dogs. We ask first. Adults should also understand it.

Wtf? You know they need to develop an immune system right? They need to catch hundreds of minor infections to do this. They need contact with humans, animals and dirt!
Why are any of you spraying disinfectant at infants?

Dummies do need to be cleaned, when mine were small, if it fell on the floor at home I'd run it under the kettle, if it hit the ground when we were out they wouldn't get that back until it had been properly cleaned back at home, I was always quite disgusted to see some mums pick them off the pavement and suck them before putting back in the babies mouth , just yuck!!!, my babies are 32, 25,25, so sanitising a dummy is not a new thing. In regards to a stranger touching your baby, I wouldn't be overly concerned, but it is also really inappropriate in my opinion, you can comment on someones cute baby without touching, but I'm sure no harm meant of done. Don't beat yourself up,better to be overly concerned than not at all.

I'm afraid you were posting in the wrong place for this. AIBU is where people post their honest opinions. I think there is something at the beginning that says this.
But I don't see how you can come on aibu and ask if yabu, and then be upset because people say, yes, YABU.
Go on the parenting forum instead, and the answers might be more to your taste.