A stranger grabbed my babies hand and I didn’t react

[Jacketpotatogirl]

I had an awkward encounter yesterday that has never happened to me before and I do not think I reacted correctly.

I’m a first time mum to a 2 month old and I have anxiety which is probably why I didn’t say anything. A stranger (mid 40’s) came up to me and my DS in a coffee shop whilst I was with my friend yesterday and grabbed his hand out of no where, I didn’t even see her before she did it and she didn’t even start talking to me first. She then continued to tell me how gorgeous DS was. But kept putting her hands all over him and up his arms. I froze because it made me feel uncomfortable but I didn’t say anything as I do not know what I should of done in this situation.

What would you have done? Because DH told me I should have told her to not touch him and now I wish I spoke up but didn’t want to sound like I’m over reacting. It made me feel really uncomfortable, is this normal? What would you do?

@Nanny0gg Thank you. Yes it was quite a grab, hard to explain but I had baby over my shoulder and all of a sudden I felt a tug and baby cry. You know when you can hear their bones creek or make that cracking sound. It was quite a grab, personally wasn’t happy with it because I wasn’t sure what was going on at first. It was only when I turned round to find out why baby was a bit upset to see this woman in his face saying he’s gorgeous. I smiled and thanked her, we spoke for 30 seconds her telling me he’s lovely which you know is very friendly. She walked away and when she was out of sight I sprayed his hand. Even my friend who has 2 kids said it was a bit weird to just pull his arm without even chatting to me or doing it behind my back.

The woman had no bad intentions I’m sure, probably didn’t even realise how hard she grabbed his hand. I’m sure she has no germs and she was lovely to me. But I just don’t want a stranger yanking babies hand when I can’t see so I think I’ll stick to my guns next time

My goodness OP serious anxiety.
Yes the stranger was a little over familiar but many people (esp older women IME) absolutely love to gush and comment over a little baby. Used to be very common before the world got so uptight.
Do not use bloody sanitizer on your baby- baby friendly or not. Awful awful stuff.
Can I ask you one thing. Please, please do your utmost to not pass this anxiety on to your child. Please seek help before they become to aware of how you are acting (ie within the next year) Worries like this pass so easily and strongly from parent to child and it’s awful to have a child who is constantly worried about touching things, being dirty and reaching for the hand sanitizer.

Me too

Babies are little people who cannot say yes or no yet. It’s not okay to just touch them because they’re cute little babies - regardless of if it’s an abuser or a random granny

No...not regardless of whether it's an abuser or a random granny. I was in a cafe and an older lady asked if she could hold my baby. I happily handed her over. Of course it makes a huge difference as to who the person is.

Actually this reminds me of the time a toddler on the train nearly fell between the gap while the parent was busy sorting out their luggage. I bent down and put my arm in front of the toddler so they wouldn't fall between the gap and got the most filthy look off the parent. Perhaps I should have watched the child fall onto the rails.

How could they possibly know that's why he got ill? Babies touch everything. Sorry, but what a crazy statement to make.

She "yanked" your baby's arm? I highly doubt that.

A similar thing happened to me with my eldest when he was a very small baby and I too didn't know how to react so didn't say anything at the time and then cleaned up his skin afterwards! She even kissed him! The thing is that I think people who do this mean well so it feels awkward at the time to say anything negative. However, with hindsight I was worried about the possibility of transmitting cold sores/herpes from the kissing and that felt like over-the-top behaviour from a stranger. I wouldn't worry that your reaction was not normal, you were taken by surprise. I would just be prepared with a polite but firm response next time that doesn't sound too stroppy! 'No touching please, my baby is a newborn' shouldn't cause any offence even if they try and argue with you that it won't do any harm (and they probably will!)..

How did 'being touched at a wedding ' lead to illness?

@SchoolShenanigans It’s so weird how people on mumsnet seem to think they know about situations that they never even witnessed and say I’m wrong.

Obviously I know this is rare but a guest contracted something on holiday, passed it onto baby who got unwell. When baby was in hospital guest reached out to my friend and admitted they caught it whilst away and had no symptoms at time of wedding. Baby is absolutely fine now though, just a bit of a scary time obviously.

Giving a new baby money used to be quite common, usually silver, the first time we took our No 1 out in her pram we found loads of 50p pieces under the mattress later!

This happened to me a lot with my first. Generally, old people touching babies hands, feet and sometimes cheeks without asking. It made me feel uncomfortable and then angry. Angry with them for touching and intruding and angry with myself for not saying anything. Also a bit inadequate like I'd failed to protect my kid from random. I think if you need to practice saying ... please don't touch the baby or get one of those signs on amazon if you feel unable to speak out. Not everyone is confident.

People still try to touch my daughters hair. She does hace beautiful hair but doesnt like stragers touching her and i dont blame her. I have taught he to say No. Don't touch me please.

@Jacketpotatogirl When I read the title I thought you meant took your baby’s hand to grab them and take them.

You sound very distressed about something which wouldn’t have harmed your baby. What will you do at your baby’s 6 month check if the GP holds your baby and plays with him?

The ‘baby friendly’ spray you doused him in following the ‘incident’ was far more harmful than a kind lady gently cooing over him. Babies need a few germs and 2 Months old isn’t like a 2 day old baby.

However he’s your baby and yes, you can be as assertive as you like with other people about touching him. But the bacteria on your own wider family when they play with him are not going to be much different than the lady who chatted to him. Do you make your parents /siblings etc wash down before they touch him?

@SchoolShenanigans Again, finding it very bizarre that you know this situation more than me, who was there. Yes, she yanked his arm enough for it to click and for him to cry. I felt the force.

I really couldn't live my life like this. The reality is that the risk of childhood abuse is most likely to come from within the family.

Well I’m in the camp that thinks it’s not ok to touch people without consent and I don’t think babies are exempt. I’d try not to panic from a germ point of view, OP, but I don’t think it’s ok to touch stranger’s babies, uninvited.

I’d never touch a random baby in a cafe and I’m old and love babies. I’d coo over them, ask their name etc, but I wouldn’t touch.

I agree with this. Several older people local to me when my oldest was a baby pressed a coin in her hand. Italians ran the local deli and would coo over her, hold her hand and pinch her cheeks. It was lovely, I look back on it as a very happy time, I was so delighted with my amazing baby and it felt much less lonely in the days when we were out and about and people talked to us. My dd was very rarely unwell, didn’t get colds or coughs, so it didn’t have negative effects. I do realise that Covid has added an extra worry though, that I didn’t have, everyone is a bit more scared of viruses now.
It is normal to feel anxious about protecting a baby, I wasn’t bothered by people holding my dd’s hand but I was constantly anxious that I might fall and drop her, and about similar accident scenarios. I think this is your natural anxiety about keeping your baby safe, going into overdrive.

@Verbena17 No I’ve never asked anyone to wash hands apart from when he was in the NICU which is understandable

Actually this reminds me of the time a toddler on the train nearly fell between the gap while the parent was busy sorting out their luggage. I bent down and put my arm in front of the toddler so they wouldn't fall between the gap and got the most filthy look off the parent. Perhaps I should have watched the child fall onto the rails.

Similar thing happened to me, a small child was pushing her doll in a buggy, the mother wasn't to be seen and I was not far from the child when a gust of wind blew the buggy into the busy road and I managed to grab the child as she ran after it. My 'thanks' was a mouthful from the mother who had taken her eyes off her phone and run from behind me, I didn't understand her but luckily another pedestrian had seen the incident and berated her in, presumably, her own language.

I don't think it's ok to touch a baby without the parents consent.
I know a baby who died from someone who kissed them with a coldsore, also recently my friend has a newborn that was hospitalised with a chest infection as well.
Imo op if you aren't comfortable with them being touched next time wear a baby sling.

OP, despite the fact that this would have in no way shape or form have bothered me when my babies were young, and I am vehemently opposed to anything anti-bacterial being used in the house, let alone on young babies, I can still see why this upset you.

It's not your fault you've got anxiety, and I can see why you have, and if the nurses drummed it into you to sterilise for the first few months, then obviously a strange woman grabbing your baby's hand and causing him to cry is going to shock you slightly.

I can see that you've taken onboard what others have said and realise that it was a bit of an over reaction, but please don't beat yourself up for it.

Once he's a bit older though, please let him eat dirt, it's actually very good for him!

Honestly in the nicest possible way you are over-reacting. When my son was 2 we took him to Italy. He had longish blonde curls - we had women hugging him and giving him food! They said he was like a cherub... your reaction makes me feel a bit sad that we always think the worst of people.

OP - I can say with certainty that I would have felt exactly the same way with my newborn. He’s coming up to one and a stranger held his hand on the tube last week and it didn’t bother me, but I know for a fact I would have felt anxious/stressed/worried about it if it happened when he was a newborn. I think this stemmed from postnatal anxiety maybe, but I was so on edge about everything.

At the time, I didn’t realise my anxiety was sky high, but I definitely got more relaxed with time.

I wish I spoke to someone about it, so I recommend speaking to your health visitor or GP, or even just friends or your antenatal group (if you get on with them).

Enjoy your time with your babe, it’s the most wonderful time in the world.

An elderly nun once smooched DS1 on the cheek while he was strapped to my chest at a bus stop. It surprised me, but I wasn't concerned about germs. I shrugged it off and carried on enjoying her praise of him until the bus came.

I was a bit shaken by the lady who tried to insist on handing DS2 coins while he was in prime "everything goes in my mouth" age range! 😱 It's very sweet, but either put the money in a newborn's pram, or hand it to the parent JFC!

If I saw someone spraying a baby after a perfectly normal looking person had stroked their arm or similar I'd assume they had problems to be honest. I'm not saying this to be mean. Fair enough if it was a street drunk or something.

A young couple I know have just had a baby. I messaged to congratulate them and said I was looking forward to meeting the baby and some cuddles. He messaged back saying yes definitely, they'd bring her round soon and we'd all get some cuddles. That's always been how it is, surely?

I think you probably had a stronger reaction than you normally would as you were startled. Most people will speak to you first, in fact most people don't touch babies in my experience but if they do I think they speak first so I wouldn't worry too much about it happening again. She probably didn't mean to yank but she was wrong to do that but I think it that is unusual.