A stranger grabbed my babies hand and I didn’t react

[Jacketpotatogirl]

I had an awkward encounter yesterday that has never happened to me before and I do not think I reacted correctly.

I’m a first time mum to a 2 month old and I have anxiety which is probably why I didn’t say anything. A stranger (mid 40’s) came up to me and my DS in a coffee shop whilst I was with my friend yesterday and grabbed his hand out of no where, I didn’t even see her before she did it and she didn’t even start talking to me first. She then continued to tell me how gorgeous DS was. But kept putting her hands all over him and up his arms. I froze because it made me feel uncomfortable but I didn’t say anything as I do not know what I should of done in this situation.

What would you have done? Because DH told me I should have told her to not touch him and now I wish I spoke up but didn’t want to sound like I’m over reacting. It made me feel really uncomfortable, is this normal? What would you do?

it is good for baby's to be shown love

I think social media has terrified new mums about RSV etc that we’re all so scared about people touching our babies - myself included.
I remember freezing when a relative kissed my new baby in February and I was secretly scared for days thinking it meant he was going to get sick but he was absolutely fine. But there’s so much pushed to us about no touching etc it’s only natural you’d be scared but try not to worry.

How on earth can that be proven?

Sure what happened in the op was a little odd but perspective helps better when it comes to interactions with people

Was the person who touched your baby a crack head with a handful of used needles? Were they a sewer worker covered in raw sewage? If not, then don't worry about it.

being touched at a wedding

Can't believe anyone can be this paranoid?

Sanitiser (and all the chemicals therein,) is probably far more dangerous for your baby than being touched by a fellow human being.

Babies who are never exposed to dirt, actually go on to have terrible immune systems later in life.

The world has gone mad. Thank god there are some sensible people on this thread. OP I hope you can see that this was an overreaction. I can’t work out if the anxiety is germ related or social boundary related, but either way, in the nicest possible way, please try to chill out.

I think you have blown this way out of proportion, maybe due to having health anxiety.

Op, it's a fine balancing act. I would have just smiled politely, made some chit chat and maybe given the baby a but of a wipe with a baby wipe if I felt do inclined. I'm more likely to give a quick wipe if it's another kid that took my baby's hand because they are gross! I've 3 kids and I couldn't keep the older two away from the baby, and she's OK! Obviously babies need to be protected from a dangerous amount of germs but they do need a little exposure too. Your concerns are coming from a place of love but you will learn to relax and go with the flow as you get more into the groove of being responsible for a baby. Wait until they are licking the slide at the park 😄

I had perinatal and then post natal anxiety which is different from PND. Just keep an eye on yourself that it doesn't get worse if you are suffering.

It sounds like the woman was rough though and I definitely wouldn't have liked that if my baby cried from it! If someone grabbed my baby I think I probably would have responded like you to be fair at the time, now my DC are older I have no trouble being assertive or holding boundaries after extensive therapy.

I'm with you OP @Jacketpotatogirl ❤ I'm not particularly fussed in terms of germs but for me it's the intrusiveness of it that's the issue.

I wouldn't dream of walking up to someone and just touching their child. It seems rude. As someone else said earlier, an adult wouldn't go up to another adult and start touching them without consent so why is it ok to do so to a baby without asking their parent first? If she'd just said 'Aww what a cute baby, can I hold his hand?' that would have given you the opportunity to say yes or no.

I love babies, never touch them myself, as I understand that people don't like it. Having said that, I think you over reacted in using sanitiser on him. I probably would have wiped his hand with a wet wipe. Can I ask you, @Jacketpotatogirl how you would feel about being at a large family gathering, such as a wedding or Christening, where your baby would probably be touched by a large number of people?

I understand people have anxiety around this and some people are more aware and nervous of it - if this so the case then a polite “please don’t touch my baby” or “could you please not touch baby?” would be fine!
The nervousness of some people does make me worry I’ve been too lax with people touching my DS! He’s one very soon and we were at baby groups at 2 weeks old, passing round family and friends within a week, people touching his hands or bending to look in the pram. In a way I think it’s nice, people showing an interest and being supportive? I suppose I just see it that he could pick anything up from anywhere, especially baby groups and now nursery (including me!) so I don’t really think twice.

There's no need to be rude to the OP FFS!

I personally wouldn't have been worried about this, I used to like DS getting attention. People always used to say he had lovely hair. Now he gets attention because he's a handsome 6'3" teenager and I love that too.

When I was 6mo our family went on holiday to Italy. I was a very podgy, dark haired thing and the local people loved me. They were always picking me up out of the pram and taking me off to show others. My parents always used to laugh about it. It was the late 60s though.

Just move on op. I've more of an issue with you giving your baby a dummy and covering it with sanitiser than with a lady touching a baby's hand.

I think you do need to sort out your anxiety.

A woman in a cafe once asked if she could hold my baby...I gladly handed her over and ate my food with both hands.

I love your reply!

Would you mind sharing the name of this baby safe sanitiser? I'd be very interested to look up the ingredients of this product.

For what it's worth op, exposing babies and children to normal/everyday levels of dirt and germs is good for their immune systems. As far as I know, it's accepted these days that growing up in an environment where everything is constantly sterilised can have a negative impact on the immune system.

All of this.

What an awful, isolated, suspicious, distrustful society we have when someone stopping to stroke and admire a baby, and pass a few complimentary words to the mother, is treated to replies like ' I would have grabbed my baby and stared at her', or dousing a baby in sanitiser.

Its really, really sad we are like this.

From your updates it sounds like you had quite a stressful pregnancy and it’s not unusual to feel very overprotective especially when baby is still very tiny (I’m not particularly anxious or germ-phobic at all but I was so upset when my MIL put her finger in her juice and then put it in my 4 month old baby’s mouth for him to ‘taste’. I didn’t say anything but it was such an automatic and overwhelming response).

I think it’s totally possible to logically know something is a bit of an over-reaction and that objectively nothing bad will happen and yet still feel uncomfortable about it in the moment.
These feelings will probably go as your baby gets older and starts to interact with more people outside your immediate family and close friends (and as they start to crawl/put every manky toy at nursery in their mouth).

Also, you’re totally right that dummies need to be sterilized regularly and cleaned if they’re dropped (especially if baby is only 2 months- I got a lot more lax from 6 months!)

I think I’m at risk of being that woman! It’s really hard to turn off nurturing instincts once they have been switched on! I am less so with babies now but with kids my DC age or thereabouts i have to fight the urge to do what I do with my kids. I do want to ruffle their hair, hug them if they are upset etc. I don’t because I’m more controlled than just following my instincts. What happens if I lose my capacity to hold back. 😬

Agree totally. I used to love strangers cooing over my baby and having a chat with them. Nowadays everyone seems to want to exist in some weird, lonely, sanitised bubble and then we wonder why theres so many mental health problems.

Yep, it was never an issue here either. There seems to be a link between keeping babies in ultra clean environments and an increase in allergies.

I agree with this. I am not worried about germs at all but I DO think its rude to touch people without asking. I wouldnt go up to a complete stranger and grab their hand and if I did it would be considered weird and inappropriate. Why is a baby any different? when I was pregnant, I had strangers in the supermarket trying to touch my stomach and it made me feel really uncomfortable- NOT because of germs but who the fck just touches people? Why is it that pregnant women and babies invite strangers to touch them?

As someone else said earlier, an adult wouldn't go up to another adult and start touching them without consent so why is it ok to do so to a baby without asking their parent first?

We don't touch adults without consent as adults have a sense of bodily space and autonomy, that babies utterly lack, being as they are totally reliant on adults to meet all of their bodily needs, including their need for human touch.

There are lots of things we do for babies we don't do for adults. Because there is a difference between babies and adults.

I wouldn't do anything about it. It happens all the time where I live, people love babies and just want to be friendly. The only place it seems to be an issue is on MN.

I knew a new mum once who was a bit obsessive about germs and cleaning everything. That soon went right out the window when her first child was followed by twins!