A stranger grabbed my babies hand and I didn’t react

[Jacketpotatogirl]

I had an awkward encounter yesterday that has never happened to me before and I do not think I reacted correctly.

I’m a first time mum to a 2 month old and I have anxiety which is probably why I didn’t say anything. A stranger (mid 40’s) came up to me and my DS in a coffee shop whilst I was with my friend yesterday and grabbed his hand out of no where, I didn’t even see her before she did it and she didn’t even start talking to me first. She then continued to tell me how gorgeous DS was. But kept putting her hands all over him and up his arms. I froze because it made me feel uncomfortable but I didn’t say anything as I do not know what I should of done in this situation.

What would you have done? Because DH told me I should have told her to not touch him and now I wish I spoke up but didn’t want to sound like I’m over reacting. It made me feel really uncomfortable, is this normal? What would you do?

Assume this was an elderly lady? Just as they tend to be more sociable when out and like chatting to strangers and love babies (from experience, not making an ageist comment). I'm a nanny and have had older men/women approach the babies/toddlers when I've been out with them, the cuteness is infectious!

Understand your anxiety, what would I have done? Not been fussed at all, but I don't have anxiety.

It's something to work on because your child will feel it, you don't want them to have anxiety about things as well do you?

OP with the greatest of respect, tiptoeing around your anxieties is not going to be helpful either. Because they are irrational anxieties. You will not lose your child from a stranger giving him a poke.

You realise germs are good for babies to build their immunity, right?

I have a toddler. Not once in over two and a half years have I ever cleaned or sanitised any of her toys (she never had a dummy) unless they got deliberately dirty (mud/sick/bodily fluids etc). It’s totally unnecessary.

Thank you
for
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In all seriousness I thought dummies had to be sterilised?

There are 2 things going on here.

First is you do not have to please people at a cost to yourself. Obviously do not be needlessly unpleasant or rude, but your DS is your baby. It’s up to you (and your DH) who touches him.

But the second thing is anxiety over your DS being touched, as it might cause him to get sick. Unless he is immune compromised or otherwise unwell then I do not think that this is a rational response to a stranger touching his hands. I do believe the pandemic has contributed to anxiety around this.

I would say to try to put aside too much anxiety around the risk of infection, but to know your boundaries with what you are comfortable with and be confident to voice them. You do not need a reason to say no.

OP do you have post natal anxiety? I had this and it's debilitating at times.

In the nicest possible way, this is an OTT response to someone being friendly. I wouldn't do it myself but dousing your baby in sanitiser really seems an overaction to one encounter.

Honestly OP, in toddlerhood your DC will be licking shop signs and all sorts.

£1 coin! It used to be silver in the palm, I blame inflation 😄

It’s true though, your anxiety is obviously not well managed if this normal interaction sets you off.

I can tell you it is so much better for your baby to have interactions with a wide range of people while out and about. It’s good for their development, social skills and it entertains them.

People pandering to you and telling you that you should have snatched your baby away actually aren’t helping.

It is not good for babies to use hand sanitiser often. They need to build up their immunity

They should be OP, you are correct. Especially as your little on is still very young. I was the same with my first baby and I'm not criticising you on that one. Unfortunately a few more kids later my standards are on the floor with regards sterilisation and all of them have managed to survive so please don't let the anxiety affect you too much.
I think we can all relate to that anxiety of your first baby and I'm so sorry that yours is compounded by previous miscarriage.
I promise not every stranger is dangerous or out to harm your baby. Relax and just enjoy him.

The first time something happens it can be normal to freeze, you were startled. If you aren't comfortable with anyone touching your baby, then you'll have practiced some responses if this happens again. Meantime, no harm done.

I didn't mind some people touching DS, and did mind others. It's ok to have boundaries. I hope you find life a bit easier soon.

OP I've read your further comments.

I am in the "no harm done, I'd not have reacted negatively" category and commented as such. I suffer with anxiety too and wanted to say don't regret posting. Mumsnet can be a tad blunt but is always honest. People going along with your anxiety won't actually help you in the long run, or your child.

How old is baby?

I've never sterilised a dummy. I've two kids and have worked in early years for most of my adult life. Children touch toys, floors, each other, mud, grass, etc. It's normal and healthy and build their immune systems up.

Are you still receiving help for your anxiety? Can this help be increased eg more regular sessions?

How old is your little one? Will you be back at work soon?

The chance of your baby dying from an infectious disease is less than 0.001%.

What would I have done? Smiled and made polite conversation. This happens a lot...some people love babies, some slightly forward and eccentric people love babies. It's the rich tapestry of life isn't it?

Try not to worry. x

Take spare dummies out with you
Stick them in Milton when you get home
I wouldn't being spraying my child's dummy or their arms with anything

Same! I actually took my 10 week old on a flight to DHs home country and I didn't actually seem him for about 15 mins as he was getting cuddled by the cabin crew and other passengers!

You can imagine what the extended family are like 🫠
There's no telling them.

They're the same with all the babies in the family obviously and they are all fine.

I do understand the anxiety, but I've definitely had to put mine in the bin.

This'll be deleted because 'ops mental health' but I will say that maybe you need to up your counselling sessions.
I do wonder if this 'we need to bond in our bubble no family can visit whilst we bond together' doesn't add to this stress and anxiety

One of my grandchildren has just started crawling, and is licking the floor as I type. The other one, almost three, is also going through a licking phase, in particular the glass panes on the downstairs doors, his clothing, and other people’s bare arms. All this is to say that babies immune systems need to be developed. They need that interaction with others to get used to a variety of germs. As long as people aren’t kissing your baby, the odd handhold here and there won’t harm them. I’m willing to bet everything that most of us were touched by strangers, and we all survived.

i would have done nothing,
a dirty lady touched my dd, well her hands were dirty, she was a young drunk, smiling,
but i am british and stiff upper lip.
but i have never forgotten it!

@QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat I wouldn’t say I have post natal depression but I did have perinatal anxiety before my baby arrived due to panicking he would pass away before or during birth. I’m loving being a mum and I’ve never had this anxiety until yesterday when someone touched his hand. When I say grab I literally mean, yes she pulled it whilst I wasn’t looking and baby cried. Although babies cry at anything so you know can’t worry about that too much, but it scared him a bit.

The weird thing is I am pretty lapse about things like this, I have no anxiety if my family or friends etc hold baby in fact I’m like take him for a bit lol give me a break but for some reason the way this woman came out of no where and yanked his arm a bit scared me. When I jumped a bit as baby cried and I realised she was there she then told me he was gorgeous and I spoke to her for maybe 30 seconds being friendly then when I turned away sprayed his hands with baby safe steriliser which Ok Now I realise was a bit of an overreaction seeing as I stick dummies in his mouth that he’s dropped etc… but I think the way she grabbed his hand was a bit off. Even my friend was like did she just grab and pull baby a bit?

Totally understand maybe I over reacted by spraying his hands and I can see now that others think I over reacted too.

Just want to clarify I froze and didn’t move baby away but I did chat to her for a bit and thanked her for saying he was a lovely looking boy

There's a strong link between overly sanitised upbringing and childhood leukemia. It's very normal to touch other human beings without needing sanitiser.

I think I sterilised dummies when DC1 was a baby, if they fell out her mouth. DC2 just had them shoved back in 😂

I never sterilised anything, and especially not baby skin. Never sterilised my own hands either. I’d wash them after changing nappies and of course using the toilet. And never asked anyone to wash or sterilise their hands. Germs are good! Mine are now 10 and 6 and they’ve literally caught one sickness bug each in their individual lifetimes.

Everything's extreme on MN. Everybody grabs, screams, hates...
Nobody, for example, touches, snaps, dislikes.
I'm surprised the stranger was mid 40s though. It's nearly always old ladies who apparently have the baby mania and the uncontrollable urge to maul* random infants.
Unless old starts at mid 40s

*There - a change from "grab".

It won't do the baby any harm, but I wouldn't touch a baby without asking. Parenting is a long road of randomness though, so probably best to relax a bit about these sorts of details.

Honestly it sounds like a sweet, healthy interaction. It's good for babies to be made a fuss of.