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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH dreads his day with our son?

317 replies

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:05

Okay, so firstly he loves our son and adores him. I’m not hating on him. However once a week he had looks after him whilst I work, (he does shift work so works out he can do childcare once a week) he car share and I need the car for work, so they have to use to bus to get into town (it’s a 5 minute bus ride) there isn’t a huge amount to do in town, they is a small soft play and park, however DS loves to just be out and on the bus. DH always seems down when it’s his day to have DS because it’s boring going into town doing the same thing. I then feel so guilty, I want them to have a lovely day together. His argument is if he had a car he could take him to groups and do different activities, however we cannot afford another car at this time. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed it’s such chore for him once a week?

OP posts:
Tiredhotmess · 14/07/2023 13:41

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has already been suggested, but why does your dh feel like he has to take ds out every time he looks after him? There are plenty of fun things they could do at home together: build a den, have an arts and crafts day, read stories together, jigsaw puzzles etc. It may not be very exciting for dh but ds will just love spending quality time with his dad. If he's stuck for ideas he could look for inspiration on Pinterest or similar sites.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/07/2023 13:54

So there's a bus into town?

So he can go to baby groups or anywhere else he wants?
So what is the issue?

FishyMcFishyfingersFace · 14/07/2023 13:56

If DH could take you to and from work and have the car during the day then that would solve the problem. But he is saying he doesn't want to waste money on petrol doing that, so he'd rather buy another car. But that's a lot more money than taking you to work once a week. Sounds like he just wants another car and is trying to find excuses to get one.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 14/07/2023 13:58

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:10

I’ve suggested this, but he doesn’t want to waste the petrol money

He sucks it up then…

Denimdreams · 14/07/2023 14:02

Bikechic · 13/07/2023 23:17

dont solve this for him. He can work it out for himself.

This!
Why are you feeling guilty Confused
Let him take responsibility for his own thoughts and feelings.
He needs to work it out himself.

WombatChocolate · 14/07/2023 14:03

Being with small children can be boring and daunting too. Lots of people who do it irregularly find it overwhelming.

Adjusting to parenthood is hard for lots of people. The loss of a lovely Saturday when you haD a lie-in and then freedom to do what you want is hard. Men in particular seem to find it difficult.

However, it’s really important that they have this time looking after their child. Doing it every week means it becomes normal and they will build up that relationship. Your DC won’t always be tiny and want to do soft play.

Domt try to mother DH as well as DC by controlling g or trying guide what they do and making it more fun. Your DH has to work this out.

Do point out that buying another car will cost far more than petroleum to get into town to drop you off. But this is a separate issue and not part of the real childcare issue.

Don’t apologise for going to work or for your DH doing childcare. Accept it as right and normal and something he has to adjust to.

It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t love it. Many women don’t love what is often monotonous either but do it.

KnackeredAF · 14/07/2023 14:20

I barely take my DS to classes, they’re usually at nap time and the mums are super cliquey

We walk to the park/around town instead and then we do some baby sensory type activities at home.

Does DS’ car seat clip onto the pram frame? Taxi?

Could a friend or family member collect him and DS for a group day out?

What classes has your partner identified that he wants to do with DS? If he hasn’t looked, then he’s probably not that bothered.

Mikimoto · 14/07/2023 14:27

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:22

I’m worried I’ve explained it unfairly on his part, he doe’s honestly love playing with DS and makes him laugh all the time. He just struggles that on my days with DS I have I have the car and attend groups and see mum friends (he works near to home so doesn’t require the car on work days). I would struggle not having a car, but it’s only once a week, and he takes DS on the bus to the soft play or park. I know I have better social life with DS but that’s because I’ve made the effort to meet mums etc

Ah, so the actual issue is just OP wanting the car every single day?

Twyford · 14/07/2023 14:39

Mikimoto · 14/07/2023 14:27

Ah, so the actual issue is just OP wanting the car every single day?

Show quote history

No, OP has said she's perfectly happy not to take the car to work but she would need to be dropped off and picked up. Her husband doesn't want to do that.

Frogmila · 14/07/2023 14:39

Well then the sensible solution seems to be he takes the car and drops you off. Of course fuel costs money but he can budget for this. Sounds like DS enjoys his bus trips though, can't they explore a bit further afield by bus or train?

All towns have more to do than a soft play and a park. Library? Play groups? Perhaps he just has to accept it's a bit boring at this young age but quality time in its own way.

I don't get why he doesn't want to spend money dropping you off at work one day a week but is considering another car? Is he happy enough as long as he gets to moan? Because that's not fair on you if it's every time.

MrsRaspberry · 14/07/2023 14:40

Its one day a week no you're not being unreasonable. You've offered to have him drop you into work and pick you up so he can have the car but he doesn't want to. Needing a car sounds like an excuse hes prepared to spend on another car but not the fuel for him to have the shared one with the agreement that he drops you to and from work. Sounds like he wants to get out of any responsibility that means he needs to do something for anyone other than himself

NeedToBookAGetaway · 14/07/2023 14:42

Ia there baby child and parent groups.
What about a day in
Baking
Playdoh
Coloring
Painting
Rough and tumble messing about
Playing general toys

He doenst always have to go out.
Travel further afield too

ifIwerenotanandroid · 14/07/2023 14:43

Haven't RTFT, but these are my suggestions:

Are there no other destinations he can get to on a bus?

Are there any coach excursions he could do as a big treat for DS?

Couldn't anyone in your families take them out somehere?

Hasn't he got a friend with kids who could drive them all somewhere?

Do you have a long commute? Why is he bothered about the petrol money?If it's a long way from home, couldn't he drop you off at work & then spend an amazing day somewhere with DS that you wouldn't normlly get to, & then pick you up on the way home?

babbscrabbs · 14/07/2023 14:43

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:44

also he does a lot of night shifts which means he doesn’t see DS for a few nights, he has time to himself a fair bit as I take DS to mum meets. I just think it’s once a week sick it up, but then I also have the car so I have so much freedom. That’s why I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable

It does make it harder not having access to a car.

Can you not go without it maybe every other week?

NeedToBookAGetaway · 14/07/2023 14:43

And surely the extra petrol money is similar to a bus fare?

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 14/07/2023 14:47

My kids loved doing the same thing every week at that age. TBH, if it's something they enjoy, then they still do enjoy doing the same thing every week.

What's your DP's solution if he doesn't want to do it, but also doesn't want to share the car by dropping you off?

katepilar · 14/07/2023 14:53

I dont understand how he can get bored with one day a week without going out anywhere special. But I never understood this going out to places thing to start with when I firtst came to the UK.

The day is ment to be interesting for the child, not for the father. The child doesnt need to go anywhere apart from getting out of the house for fresh air.

Screamingabdabz · 14/07/2023 14:54

I wonder if there is a single man on the planet that would fret about this if the roles were reversed? 🙄

Alexawontshutup · 14/07/2023 14:59

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:10

I’ve suggested this, but he doesn’t want to waste the petrol money

He has a solution to this and is refusing to take it as it would 'waste money', but would be happy to spend even more on having his own car? I think he may resent not having his own transport more than he's letting on.

katepilar · 14/07/2023 15:00

Also, he shouldnt regularly have special days out with your son. He should have just ordinary days. Ordinary days are interesting enough for a toddler anyway. Your husband is looking after a child, not having a holiday experince for himself. Perhaps he has gone into this arrangement with unreasonable expectations.

Do you live in a village or totally in the middle of nowhere with no neighbours?

Beezknees · 14/07/2023 15:00

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/07/2023 11:06

Its up to him what he does on that day though, if he wants to stay in and chill and let the child play then what is the problem with that? I would dread my only day off having to go on a bus ride with a toddler too.

Show quote history

But that's literally what you sign up for when you have kids. Your days off aren't yours any more. I'm a lone parent so all my time off consisted of being with DS, we did have chill days sometimes but staying home every single day isn't stimulating for a toddler. You do have to make an effort to do things that your kids enjoy that you might not necessarily like.

CheshireCat1 · 14/07/2023 15:02

I brought up three kids without a car, we had a great time and traveled all over with the cheap travel schemes. Isn’t there a train station near you, so they can travel more further afield.

Custardslices · 14/07/2023 15:13

Good grief it's one day a week he has to pull his finger out for!

Does he want the car so he can go visit family palm off your son to them and he can do as he pleases?

Tell him to suck it up and find different acitivities on different bus routes or stay home and think of things to do

Lalalalala555 · 14/07/2023 15:19

It's his problem. Not yours.

If he wants the car he can drop you off at work then have the car, then pick you up.
Or he can get a better paid job to afford a second car.
Tbh it just sounds like an attitude problem and not an actual physical problem. There are solutions, he's just being miserable.

Firslty he could just have a different attitude when using the bus.
Or give you a lift and he has use of the car. Or take time and effort to try and better the financial situation so that he can afford a separate car.
Or just use legs.
Any of these would work.
Its the positive problem solving mindset that's the issue.

My advice would be it's him being miserable. There are solutions. If he's not actually trying to solve it he's going to stay miserable. That sucks for you to be at the receiving end. But it's not upto you to solve his problems. He needs to take ownership and solve them, if he wants to. Or stay miserable.

If anything just leave him to it and try not to solve his problems for him.

I'm sorry you're stuck with someone who's got a negative mindset.

NumberTheory · 14/07/2023 15:20

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:44

also he does a lot of night shifts which means he doesn’t see DS for a few nights, he has time to himself a fair bit as I take DS to mum meets. I just think it’s once a week sick it up, but then I also have the car so I have so much freedom. That’s why I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable

Unless there’s another way for you to get to work (cycle/lift share/etc.) that you are refusing to try because you just don’t want to, I don’t understand what you think you might be being unreasonable about.

You can’t afford another car. He’s rejected the only reasonable way for him to have access to the car. He does need to suck it up or figure something out for himself. I would also dislike riding around on the bus all day once a week so I have some sympathy for him. But he doesn’t have to do that every week even if DS loves it.

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