DH dreads his day with our son?

[HJB2021]

Okay, so firstly he loves our son and adores him. I’m not hating on him. However once a week he had looks after him whilst I work, (he does shift work so works out he can do childcare once a week) he car share and I need the car for work, so they have to use to bus to get into town (it’s a 5 minute bus ride) there isn’t a huge amount to do in town, they is a small soft play and park, however DS loves to just be out and on the bus. DH always seems down when it’s his day to have DS because it’s boring going into town doing the same thing. I then feel so guilty, I want them to have a lovely day together. His argument is if he had a car he could take him to groups and do different activities, however we cannot afford another car at this time. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed it’s such chore for him once a week?

He plain ole doesnt want to do it. Thats it in a nutshell.
You can protest all you like, he probably does love him but he has no interest in spending the day with him. He wants you to come up with a solution that basically involves him not having to do it, and that way he isnt the bad guy saying i dont want to do it.
But thats the nub of it, he doesnt want to.
Id get a childminder. And dump the parttime dad.

Why are you feeling guilty? You've offered him a solution but he does r want it.

The truth is that he's resentful at looking after his child when you work as he thinks it's your job. Or somebody else's.

He's a whiny manchild and a shit dad and I'm sad you're enabling this.

Is he having a one-off moan, or is this an ongoin conplaint?

One-off moan, everyone is entitled to. Just listen and be sympathetic, don't try to problem solve. Frankly I'm in a bit of a moany mood today. Minor tummy bug going through my kids so I've got one groaning and whinging on the sofa and a toddler who pood on the carpet of my bedroom (thank god the eldest for over it quickly, I hope the little ones will too!). I slept badly (pregnancy insomnia 🙄). It's raining so don't really want the faff of going outside, and can't take them to sort play in case they spread germs to everyone. So yup, I was dreading this morning! Doesn't mean I don't love my children.

If this is an ongoing complaint, then ask him what he would like to change. Everyone needs to be listened to by their partner. What is he finding unpleasant? Is it the activity itself (in which case he might be able to think of something he'd prefer), the transport (busses round here are infrequent so even if my child loved it I wouldn't want to be hanging round for one every week!), lack of company (my DH has eldest once a week and nobody ever chatted to him at toddler groups and he felt a bit excluded. But there's a pub with a great playground....)....let him have space to say what is bothering him. Ask what he would like to change. Yes, you can make suggestions, but people are generally happier with solutions they have been coached to find themselves rather than being presented with something.

Of course he might just be griping at having to look after his own child for a WHOLE day a week. That I would be less sympathetic about. That's one he should take to his friends, not to you! It's not your job to do all raising of children.

Why can't they just stay at home sometimes?

Children don't need to be out and 'entertained' all the time.

He can just play with his toys!

Fair enough.

During COVID, we spent a lot of time in parks and in the woods.

Most of our outings are free or cheap - library, church playgroups, parks, playgrounds etc

I actually found the same - but my point was that the OP's husband might not feel like this. Just because the OP (and I) are in favour of going out and doing stuff and seeing people, that doesn't mean everyone else is like that. I just think she should back off and stop trying to organise her husband.

It's not clear whether the OP is trying to organise him or whether he is trying to get her to organise him...

But I agree that he has to find his own way.

@sweepleall We went on a lot of walks too (which has now put me off walks for life as I'm thoroughly bored of them), the money thing was just a side point really, the point is we've never needed to go out to get through the day, she's fine at home.

Yeah but he's not a SAHD though, it's one day a week! It would get tedious being a SAHP, I agree but surely he can use his imagination and think of something to do for one day out of seven.

Its up to him what he does on that day though, if he wants to stay in and chill and let the child play then what is the problem with that? I would dread my only day off having to go on a bus ride with a toddler too.

I think even with a car it is a bit harder for dads as not all groups are welcoming. I used to go to a baby group and we had two dads join and they said they'd tried other groups and found them a bit awkward. We were quite a laid back group so they came to our group regularly.

The reality is some people find being with a baby all day is boring however much they love them. Didn't a female tennis player say that this week?

Or he's a loving dad who'd like to be able to go to activities like the mother does.

So it's a waste of petrol money taking you to and from work but not to use the car for himself and son during the day? 🌹

Your right that it's once a week and he should just suck it up.

To echo the others, there are hundreds of things he could do to ring the changes in his quality time with his son - I bet he hasn't googled any of them. Have they baked cakes, made a mud kitchen, done arts and craft at home, made salt dough, played dressing up, played let's pretend <insert any job here>, looked for minibeasts in the garden and made a bug hotel, done finger painting, made vegetable faces on pizzas for dinner, learned a song, taught him any life skill, learned a song and performed it to you when you get back/ made a video for you, made a card and present for your upcoming birthday, tackled duplo together? No, of course none of the above has occurred to him because that's women's work. Don't fix it for him, and don't tolerate listening to his whinges.

Of course it's boring if you let it be. Doesn't he think women the world over are bored with the company of small kids!

Honestly he's being ridiculous. As my DM would say, only boring people get bored, interesting people find something to do.

He needs to 'waste' the petrol money and take you to work. That's a lot cheaper than a second car.

Sounds to me that he's just moaning. Adoring your son is a great concept, but he clearly doesn't quite manage the practical shite that comes with kids i.e. looking after them

@Iwasafool there are tonnes of activities he can organise himself at home with his son. Or if he is so desperate to go to a meet, he can do as OP suggested and take her to work and pick her up so he had the car, but if he's too tight to spend that money on petrol, he cant have it all and women shouldn't fix it for him.

God I'd be bored doing the same thing each week too. I would dread it! Why can't they go further afield? If DC loves the bus, can't they go to a different town? Or catch a train somewhere and you pick them up on your way back from work? I'm sure there are other solutions. He could take him swimming, or to a library, or I bet there are toddler groups running in a nearby town?

IF your DS loves being on the bus then why doesn't he take him to another town or the sea if it's near enough, or on a train - the possibilities are endless. We never had a car until our children were adults and it never stopped us taking them out to different places

Why not busy himself with tidying the house and batch cooking, doing the laundry and the deep clean of at least one room. I'd bet my shirt that's what you'd be doing if you had 1 day at home!

Wow glad my hubby ain't like this not only does he take over childcare of our 4 pretty much as soon as he gets in from work. He takes them walks ,picnics etc and makes fun for them

I think there's a different perspective here, which is that when you only get a day a week with your child (and this was my position once I came back to work and she was still at preschool), you want it to be a nice day that you'll both enjoy. The odd day of crafting or messy play is lovely but if I was in a situation where it was that, the same park or the same softplay every week, I think it would dent the joy a little bit.

Where I live, you can get to the next big town (Lido, multiple softplays, gym, pottery shop, various parks, child-friendly cafes, playdates) in under 25 mins by car, but getting into that same town by public transport takes a good 45 minutes (not too hideous) and then you have to take a bus, possibly two, out again, carrying whatever kit you need, and that can take ages and be very difficult with a tired/overexcited child to manage too. I wouldn't feel guilty about this, OP, it is what it is, but I think the truth is that most people would find being limited in what they can do with a child with an attention span of max 10 mins very boring and perhaps he just needs to be allowed to feel that? It's not like he's saying he won't take DS out or do his day with him, right?

😂
Made me think of this

Your ds is not bored by going into the town it’s you dh that’s bored. Your dh can just learn to focus in on his son and the fact that his son is having a great time. No need for a car as this would be for dh benefit only so that he wasn’t bored. I bet that your son would be bored in the car.

Could he not drop you to work and pick you up sometimes? Maybe he could have access to the car every other week for instance.

I don't have a car and yet my son goes everywhere! Even if that means a few buses or a train or an over night stay....I make adventures happen. Your husband is lazy.