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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH dreads his day with our son?

317 replies

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:05

Okay, so firstly he loves our son and adores him. I’m not hating on him. However once a week he had looks after him whilst I work, (he does shift work so works out he can do childcare once a week) he car share and I need the car for work, so they have to use to bus to get into town (it’s a 5 minute bus ride) there isn’t a huge amount to do in town, they is a small soft play and park, however DS loves to just be out and on the bus. DH always seems down when it’s his day to have DS because it’s boring going into town doing the same thing. I then feel so guilty, I want them to have a lovely day together. His argument is if he had a car he could take him to groups and do different activities, however we cannot afford another car at this time. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed it’s such chore for him once a week?

OP posts:
Toomuchtrouble4me · 15/07/2023 18:51

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:10

I’ve suggested this, but he doesn’t want to waste the petrol money

He’s finding excuses, he can’t be arsed to look after his son.

Ilovecleaning · 15/07/2023 19:05

Sounds like he wants the car.

Kit7 · 15/07/2023 19:44

He struggles on the days you are at work - he has a solution- take you to work and have the extra petrol cost. He doesn’t like that, then it’s up to him to find another cheaper solution or just accept it, he’s a grown up. That’s life.

MissSummers · 15/07/2023 20:24

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:05

Okay, so firstly he loves our son and adores him. I’m not hating on him. However once a week he had looks after him whilst I work, (he does shift work so works out he can do childcare once a week) he car share and I need the car for work, so they have to use to bus to get into town (it’s a 5 minute bus ride) there isn’t a huge amount to do in town, they is a small soft play and park, however DS loves to just be out and on the bus. DH always seems down when it’s his day to have DS because it’s boring going into town doing the same thing. I then feel so guilty, I want them to have a lovely day together. His argument is if he had a car he could take him to groups and do different activities, however we cannot afford another car at this time. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed it’s such chore for him once a week?

Little kids are far from boring so whoever made that comment fails to connect with little kids. It can be demanding sometimes but it's incredibly sad when mums or dads make excuses or complain about having to care for their little ones. They won't be little forever! I bought a bike and put my daughter on the back. Children have fantastic imaginations and I'm sure some simple things like pavement chalk, paint and bubbles would be enough to keep your little one entertained. Not having a car is an excuse and it's an obstacle he needs to address. What did our great parents do???? They didn't have cars!

godmum56 · 15/07/2023 20:24

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:22

I’m worried I’ve explained it unfairly on his part, he doe’s honestly love playing with DS and makes him laugh all the time. He just struggles that on my days with DS I have I have the car and attend groups and see mum friends (he works near to home so doesn’t require the car on work days). I would struggle not having a car, but it’s only once a week, and he takes DS on the bus to the soft play or park. I know I have better social life with DS but that’s because I’ve made the effort to meet mums etc

hang on.....he doesn't want to run you to work to be able to have the car because that wastes petrol but he'd like a car so he could take your son out?????

shams05 · 15/07/2023 20:26

He's realising the reality of being home with a young child, it does get boring and repetitive but tbh he's only looking after him for one day so it should feel like a novelty to both of them.
I know you say they have lots of fun but realistically speaking if he can't even handle one day how much fun is your child actually having with his dad?

Missingpop · 15/07/2023 20:45

Can’t he just drop you off at work & pick you up after?

ErinBell01 · 15/07/2023 20:48

A few pounds on petrol money to take you to work - or thousands on a new car, insurance, maintenance etc etc? He must think you're buttoned up the back! It's an excuse, he's lazy and a moaner.

celticprincess · 15/07/2023 20:51

cestlavielife · 13/07/2023 23:10

He doesnt love and adore him
If he cannot be bothered to do something your son likes to do and put child first

But given you belive he loves and adores him then
Carry on with your day say nothing leave them to it
He will figure it out

Really? Lots of women don’t really enjoy their time at home with their children and find it boring. Some got back to work full time and our children in childcare because they wouldn’t enjoy staying at home. They still love their children. I worked part time when mine were small and I did find some days very tedious and boring. Especially second time round when I was tied to nursery times for toddler and baby groups only being after nursery and not allowing toddlers. Managed to find some different things to do but I did sometimes find myself bored of it all.

MixedCouple · 15/07/2023 20:56

There are busses to take him to other locations. Transport links are better then ever.

Inwiththenew · 15/07/2023 21:25

With small children the most fun is doing simple things, but relaxing into your little world with them. Your hubs sounds overwhelmed with the idea of having him all day.

JennyStr · 15/07/2023 21:32

Honestly, I think that DH needs to grow up and understand that being a parent is often about doing things you really don't enjoy with a smile on your face for the sake of your child. He needs to suck it up and understand that what gives your child enjoyment is the priority here, even if that means DH is bored on a bus for one day of the week. I really don't think its a lot to ask of him

Blondebrunette1 · 15/07/2023 21:35

cestlavielife · 13/07/2023 23:10

He doesnt love and adore him
If he cannot be bothered to do something your son likes to do and put child first

But given you belive he loves and adores him then
Carry on with your day say nothing leave them to it
He will figure it out

@cestlavielife Are you ok? Extremely dramatic, unkind and bitter response to this, genuinely hope you heal from whatever experience has triggered this.

OP @HJB2021 what's he suggesting? You getting public transport so he can have the car? Is that feasible? I'm guessing if he were to drop you, the fuel would be cheaper than running a second car? YANBU if you need the car for work, if there is a possibility you could easily get public transport though I can see why he'd be suggesting that. If there's not and he's moaning without any feasible solution then he shouldn't be making you feel bad.

lifebeginsat48 · 15/07/2023 21:38

Bus to soft play sounds like a fab day out and was always one of my favourite activities when DD was a toddler. OH used to go there too - but always by car. Based on my (limited) experience it could be more of an ego thing: my OH despises all public transport and without a car would literally be stuck at home. I'd figure out a way to get where I wanted to go. He's got all day FFS! Ask him where exactly it is he wants to go and point him in the direction of the relevant bus timetables. Seriously.

Ginisalwaystheanswer · 15/07/2023 22:15

I used to have one day off a week with my son, before he started school.
I don’t drive, so going anywhere in the car wasn’t an option.
I did sometimes find it a bit frustrating not being able to get to some places easily, but in general we managed fine and I loved our days together. I took him to groups, libraries, parks etc. Sometimes by bus, sometimes on foot. Also we did various activities at home.
I really don’t like soft play centres, so that was never an issue 🤣
please stop feeling bad for your other half, there’s really no need.

CelestiaNoctis · 15/07/2023 22:47

Does the bus not go anywhere else by 5 minutes away to town? I'm sure there's other places to go and things to see. Also little kids are very simple. Yes it's very boring for us to go to the same places but they love it. I've been to the same park probably 100 times now and I hate it but go anyway no matter how excruciatingly boring it is for me because they love it.

Whyisegg · 15/07/2023 22:50

Grown man has to get on bus shock!!!! Society will crumble

kierenthecommunity · 15/07/2023 23:00

I agree with the PPs who’ve suggested he have the car fortnightly/monthly//on an ad hoc basis.

He could drop you off then set off to these amazing places he wants to go, and pick you up on the way home. So not additional petrol costs.

And another week bin the bus trip to town thing and just chill at home. I couldn’t have done that every day of the week when I was off with DS but one day a week of child watching CBeebies and parents putting their feet up, along with a few activities at home is not bad parenting.

Unless you genuinely live in the arse end of nowhere I can’t believe there’s nothing to do nearer to home that doesn’t involve a bus into town. Isn’t there a playground near you? Any woods? A toddler group at a local church? Could he take him swimming maybe? That used to kill a lot of time after you’d got there, fannying about getting ready, showering after etc. Are there any buggy exercise classes?

It sounds like your DP lacks a bit of imagination and research skills.

And if he really is that bored I’d suggest he do some housework personally 😉

TheBreeder · 15/07/2023 23:13

I agree with a lot of what has already been said. I do wonder about SAHD (stay at home dad) experience. I see them about and they do seem a bit aloof. They are never in a gang with other SAHDs. It takes a special dad to slot in with a mum group. I wonder if this is part of it.

pollymere · 16/07/2023 00:09

There is so much fun that doesn't require bus journeys or money. Stay at home fun is also great. Or mine used to love getting a Rover bus ticket and going to random towns that only have one day a week services with a bus there and a bus back! I couldn't drive then and we had great fun going places without a car. The bus journey was the best part.

Grrrrdarling · 16/07/2023 00:40

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:22

I’m worried I’ve explained it unfairly on his part, he doe’s honestly love playing with DS and makes him laugh all the time. He just struggles that on my days with DS I have I have the car and attend groups and see mum friends (he works near to home so doesn’t require the car on work days). I would struggle not having a car, but it’s only once a week, and he takes DS on the bus to the soft play or park. I know I have better social life with DS but that’s because I’ve made the effort to meet mums etc

The no-brainer solution to this is once a week your DH takes you to work & picks you up so he can have the car while you are at work.
If he is bothered about the extra fuel costs he can find things to do near your work or along the way to & from your work to make fuel usage worth while.
I really do not see how much damage 1 day of a bit extra fuel is going to cause to the finances so all I am getting from your DH’s fussing about that minor issue is that he wants a car too.
At the end of the day you have worked out a valid solution, that I assume will work, & he isn’t keen on it so has said no but is continuing to complain.
I’d be reminding him that it is the only option right now, outside of him carrying on using the bus & staying local, that will work but if that idea doesn’t work for him then he will need to sort this situation out himself.
Maybe trial it for a month & see how it works.
I certainly wouldn’t poo poo the idea without trying it.

Catsmere · 16/07/2023 01:37

Saschka · 15/07/2023 09:49

@Catsmere This brings back memories! Going for a drive was a thing in the 80s. No destination in mind, just driving around. God knows why, it was boring for everyone, but I remember doing it, and lots of my friends having to do it as well.

Presumably a throwback from the 60s/70s when owning a car was a novelty, and going out in one was a treat in itself. Obviously wasn’t much of a treat by 1987 when you got in the car every morning to go to school/supermarket etc Grin

I didn't know it was still a thing in the 80s! Interesting though, owning a car wasn't a novelty in Australia by the 60s, even in Melbourne with its very good public transport system.

Catsmere · 16/07/2023 01:39

KnackeredAF · 15/07/2023 09:52

@Catsmere we always used to go for a drive at the weekend, which usually involved my parents having a row 🤦🏽‍♀️ we always went to a destination where we could have gotten out and explored, but never did 🫠

Yeah, I always hoped we'd "go for a drive in the hills" (the Dandenong Ranges) and maybe get a Devonshire tea somewhere, but we hardly ever did anything that interesting.

Catsmere · 16/07/2023 01:51

lifebeginsat48 · 15/07/2023 21:38

Bus to soft play sounds like a fab day out and was always one of my favourite activities when DD was a toddler. OH used to go there too - but always by car. Based on my (limited) experience it could be more of an ego thing: my OH despises all public transport and without a car would literally be stuck at home. I'd figure out a way to get where I wanted to go. He's got all day FFS! Ask him where exactly it is he wants to go and point him in the direction of the relevant bus timetables. Seriously.

That's exactly what it sounds like with OP's husband - ego. It's a five minute bus ride, ffs. I bet there's a certain "how dare she have the car and leave Him to have to use public transport like one of the peasants" lurking in the back of his mind.

glam11 · 16/07/2023 06:34

Ketzele · 13/07/2023 23:52

I raised two children solo with no car. Christ yes, it was often boring. But that's where you learn real parenting, getting down to your child's eye view of things. It forces you to be creative. I rarely took my kids for exciting day trips. But I did take them to the library, to the garden centre, to the pet shop. We went to charity shops where I used the £2 challenge: find the best thing you can find for two quid and if I approve of it I will buy it for you (that used to take them hours). We made slime. We had indoor picnics when it rained. We got buses to places we didn't know, just to explore them. We made sock bunnies. We went to every local church fair. We went to the Wimpy for a super cheap lunch with table board games.

It was hard work and yes, I would have preferred life with a partner and a car and a bit more money. But it was the real stuff of parenting. I can see why your dp dreads his day, however much he loves his son - dipping your toe in and out of the cold water of parenting tedium is always hard. But do NOT rescue him from this: this is where he learns new parenting skills st another level!

This! ⬆️

Ignore your husband, one day a week he’s bored? Tell him to suck it up! You’ve said your son loves going on the bus, so if he’s happy then Dad should be too. Parenting IS boring sometimes but so is life! If he moans that much tell him to use his imagination. You are a working Mum, that brings enough Mum guilt as it is, don’t let your husband pile more on you simply because he’s bored!!

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