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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH dreads his day with our son?

317 replies

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:05

Okay, so firstly he loves our son and adores him. I’m not hating on him. However once a week he had looks after him whilst I work, (he does shift work so works out he can do childcare once a week) he car share and I need the car for work, so they have to use to bus to get into town (it’s a 5 minute bus ride) there isn’t a huge amount to do in town, they is a small soft play and park, however DS loves to just be out and on the bus. DH always seems down when it’s his day to have DS because it’s boring going into town doing the same thing. I then feel so guilty, I want them to have a lovely day together. His argument is if he had a car he could take him to groups and do different activities, however we cannot afford another car at this time. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed it’s such chore for him once a week?

OP posts:
Fourecks · 13/07/2023 23:26

The petrol money spent on dropping you to work would still be much cheaper than a second car!

DH and I share a car and recognise that, at times, we will spend what seems like an outsize cost on eg. a taxi/Uber. But those costs are still far less than running a second car so we come out well ahead over time.

BlameItOnTheGoose · 13/07/2023 23:27

That does sound pretty boring.

But the reality is that parenting young children IS quite boring sometimes and involves doing the same things over and over again.

That said, I wouldn't have survived my mat leave without a car

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 13/07/2023 23:28

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:10

I’ve suggested this, but he doesn’t want to waste the petrol money

So he wants the expense of an extra car and that added amount is petrol but isn't prepared to spend extra money on fuel to have a car on his day with DS? Sounds like the whinging my stbxh did. It was unfair and my fault he couldn't use the car, then when I suggested we share like this he didn't want to do that, then it was let's get another car and that was too expensive to park it at work, but then he'd still complain he didn't have a car and it was all my fault his commute was stressful. Turns out when it really got to much he bought another car, he just wanted something to have a go at me for. Not suggesting that's the case for you, but it sounds to me like he wants something to blame because he doesn't want to look after DS for the day. He may find it boring or tedious or feel he should get a day off or something. If it was really about the car he'd try and find a way to take you up on your offer.

Ontheperiphery79 · 13/07/2023 23:29

Does your husband have no brain/imagination?
Can he really not come up with a day of fun each week, half indoors/half outdoors?
Why can't he drop you at work and pick you up?

UndercoverCop · 13/07/2023 23:30

DH has a seat on the back of his bike for DS, would that be an option?

TomatoSandwiches · 13/07/2023 23:31

Sounds like he just wants a car of his own just because, either that or he is quite pathetic to not cope for one day a week with his own son.
This isn't your problem to solve for him, you've offered a perfectly fine solution and he shot it down, leave him to it.

Commentsonly · 13/07/2023 23:32

My OH looked after our DC once a week when they were little and I remember coming home one day and my OH was lying on the floor a bit teary.

In reality it is harder for dads as the mummy network exclude them. And so it can get really lonely. The kid isn’t that much chat at that age either.

I would try to get him to make / meet local dad mates that he can hang about with. And just suck it up with the petrol money. He’s only got a few years till he’ll be on school. Then you’ll be wishing you had those days back.

MrsMorrisey · 13/07/2023 23:34

I wouldn't worry about it.

My kids are older now but I used to dread some things like waiting with a toddler in the park while the older one does a class or something.

It's really boring.

It didn't mean I didn't love them.

Just let your husband work it out, your son won't know so no need to be concerned

I get it though, these things were stuff I thought about when they were toddlers.

RoseslnTheHospital · 13/07/2023 23:35

"The mummy network" doesn't exclude him from any activities or groups that he might be able to find. Nor from thinking up new places to go to or activities to do at home.

Windercar · 13/07/2023 23:35

Stop parenting your husband. Why is he not on here asking for tips on what to do. Sounds like another sad loser dad

UrsulaIsMyQueen · 13/07/2023 23:35

When DC1 was a baby I had no car at all as DH used it for work. We had also moved back from abroad when I was 27 weeks pregnant, to an area where I didn’t know anyone. I was alone with her 5 days a week, 7am-7pm.
I made the best of it. We got buses, walked a lot, went into a nearby city on the train etc. We went to local baby groups and met people. It wasn’t always easy, but we had a lot of nice times.
It’s one day. He’s being pathetic.

PimpMyFridge · 13/07/2023 23:36

Well things that are great for little kids are often tedious for adults. You do it cos you love them and take their fright as your cue for happiness.

So maybe he's just one of those people who doesn't hide it well. If he was that bothered he could come up with his own solution. I used to dream up all kinds of things to try to find a balance between my brain melting and loving and amusing my children.

PimpMyFridge · 13/07/2023 23:37

🤣🤣 take their delight as your cue

Feelinglow27 · 13/07/2023 23:39

It's one day a week.

Yes it's boring sometimes. But it's 1 day.

Seriously he needs to get a grip and you need to give this no further head space. It's not your problem (despite him trying to make you think it is)

Jadebanditchillipepper · 13/07/2023 23:41

You don't mention the age of your son, but I'm assuming that he probably still naps for 1-2 hours a day?

Just walking to the park, playing on the swings, feeding the ducks etc can use up a couple of hours. Then he can do painting/play doh/other type activities with him.

I know it's a bit soul destroying sometimes caring for a toddler/pre schooler, but this is one day a week! Even without a car, I don't think there's anything to moan about - did he come home for two days a week (plus the weekend) when you were on Mat leave or did you just have to manage?

oviraptor21 · 13/07/2023 23:41

One day a week is no time at all to get bored with a fast growing child. He should relish the opportunity to have this one on one time with him. Seven days a week and I could understand but really - if he can't manage one day a week without whinging he needs a bit of a shake!

SarahAndQuack · 13/07/2023 23:42

What does your son enjoy? I'd base decisions on that rather than primarily on your DH.

I agree with PP saying small children can be hard. When DD was little we had a patch when DP left the house at 6 and got home at 6, and I was at home in a village with a minimal bus service and no amenities, and I adore DD but I lived for 6pm because by then I was just done in. Sure, we did all sorts of wholesome gardening/cake-baking/paddling pool/nursery rhymes shit, and I'm sure there are people out there who can do that for 12 hours and adore every minute, but by hour 11 I was counting seconds.

I remember at the time I used to keep thinking 'if only we had a car I'd go into town and do other things, and get to know some local mums, and it'd be so much easier'. To some extent, a second car would have made it easier - I can believe that if I could have done something really tiring, like baby swimming, it'd have been worth it. But that's only an hour (max) and the sleep afterwards, and you're back to it, so I'm not sure it would have been the huge benefit I imagined at the time. Realistically, activities are nice, but the reality of looking after a little child is that they like routine and they like dawdling through things, and you won't magic that away.

Looking back, DD actually had a lovely time. She was really happy. If your son is actually perfectly happy with slow, boring days with dad, then I think maybe the more important thing is to keep reminding your DH that he's doing a good job even when it feels boring.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 13/07/2023 23:44

I was in a similar position (but 5 days a week) and I would sometimes drop dh at work and then go on somewhere from there. Likewise he would sometimes drop me at work and go somewhere with them near my work. Unless you work up a mountain somewhere surely there must be stuff he could do near your work, that would not add substantially to the petrol cost. Even if he just once a month he came with you it would break it up a bit.

The other alternatives to him coming with you to work and dropping you off/picking you up would be to either stay as he is or would cost more money (second car, paid childcare or you dropping a day). It sounds though as if he just doesn't like doing a whole day with your son. I strongly believe that it is useful for both parents to have time to parent alone as it makes them appreciate what the other person's situation is like. It sounds as if you look after him alone when he works some days so it is only fair that he pulls his weight.

Original poster
HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:44

also he does a lot of night shifts which means he doesn’t see DS for a few nights, he has time to himself a fair bit as I take DS to mum meets. I just think it’s once a week sick it up, but then I also have the car so I have so much freedom. That’s why I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/07/2023 23:46

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:10

I’ve suggested this, but he doesn’t want to waste the petrol money

Then tell him to stop bitching like little baby. Here's a crazy idea, maybe he could grow up and enjoy this ever-fleeting time with his child. It's one day a week. FFS. I find your husband's attitude very, very disturbing.

Ketzele · 13/07/2023 23:52

I raised two children solo with no car. Christ yes, it was often boring. But that's where you learn real parenting, getting down to your child's eye view of things. It forces you to be creative. I rarely took my kids for exciting day trips. But I did take them to the library, to the garden centre, to the pet shop. We went to charity shops where I used the £2 challenge: find the best thing you can find for two quid and if I approve of it I will buy it for you (that used to take them hours). We made slime. We had indoor picnics when it rained. We got buses to places we didn't know, just to explore them. We made sock bunnies. We went to every local church fair. We went to the Wimpy for a super cheap lunch with table board games.

It was hard work and yes, I would have preferred life with a partner and a car and a bit more money. But it was the real stuff of parenting. I can see why your dp dreads his day, however much he loves his son - dipping your toe in and out of the cold water of parenting tedium is always hard. But do NOT rescue him from this: this is where he learns new parenting skills st another level!

LightSpeeds · 13/07/2023 23:53

Your husband sounds like hard work! He only has to look after your son for one day a week but seems to be putting all sorts of barriers and issues in the way.

Tell him to drop you off at work so he can have the car for the day.

You need to stop feeling guilty and thinking you need to sort it out for him.

PimpMyFridge · 13/07/2023 23:54

@Ketzele 👏👏👏

SarahAndQuack · 13/07/2023 23:55

Ketzele · 13/07/2023 23:52

I raised two children solo with no car. Christ yes, it was often boring. But that's where you learn real parenting, getting down to your child's eye view of things. It forces you to be creative. I rarely took my kids for exciting day trips. But I did take them to the library, to the garden centre, to the pet shop. We went to charity shops where I used the £2 challenge: find the best thing you can find for two quid and if I approve of it I will buy it for you (that used to take them hours). We made slime. We had indoor picnics when it rained. We got buses to places we didn't know, just to explore them. We made sock bunnies. We went to every local church fair. We went to the Wimpy for a super cheap lunch with table board games.

It was hard work and yes, I would have preferred life with a partner and a car and a bit more money. But it was the real stuff of parenting. I can see why your dp dreads his day, however much he loves his son - dipping your toe in and out of the cold water of parenting tedium is always hard. But do NOT rescue him from this: this is where he learns new parenting skills st another level!

TBF, I'm not sure it counts as 'not having a car' if you have access to libraries, garden centres, pet shops etc. You didn't need a car, did you?! Either there was a bus or you were in a place where you didn't have to drive.

itsmylife7 · 14/07/2023 00:11

He only has him one day a week and he's bored of the bus and softplay.....welcome to parenthood.

Just leave him to get on with parenting your son OP.

Don't try and "fix it " as there's nothing to fix.