DH dreads his day with our son?

[HJB2021]

Okay, so firstly he loves our son and adores him. I’m not hating on him. However once a week he had looks after him whilst I work, (he does shift work so works out he can do childcare once a week) he car share and I need the car for work, so they have to use to bus to get into town (it’s a 5 minute bus ride) there isn’t a huge amount to do in town, they is a small soft play and park, however DS loves to just be out and on the bus. DH always seems down when it’s his day to have DS because it’s boring going into town doing the same thing. I then feel so guilty, I want them to have a lovely day together. His argument is if he had a car he could take him to groups and do different activities, however we cannot afford another car at this time. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed it’s such chore for him once a week?

You’re being too simplistic and judgemental, I didn’t have a car until last year. I technically ‘don’t have need for one’ but it still took me hours and hours on buses getting to places for my children. How do you that’s not the case for PP? You don’t. Just because the transport links exist better for them than you, doesn’t make it any easier or more fun.

There’s a huge difference between the convenience of a car and the inconvenience of not having one. So actually it’s pretty relevant.

Actually, I do know - the poster I was responding to had listed various things she could get to without a car, and separately what she could do by bus. My point is simply that, if you have various child-friendly things you can get to without needing a car, it's not very relevant to discuss those things. It's like if someone asked to advice feeding a vegetarian and you replied 'well I love roast chicken and beef stew' before sharing your veg recipe.

It's not a question of judging, either. There's no right and wrong IMO - both parents can make the case for wanting the car, and there are plenty of ways to compromise.

He doesn’t want to waste money on petrol driving you to/from work one day a week but instead wants a second car to drive one day a week??

I’d just ignore him when he acts down over this and just happily set off for work.

So how come this tightarse wants to spend on an unnecessary second car?

I read it as he’s complaining that it’s not a fun day and OP is tired of the whining, not that he’s demanding a second car.

Well clearly you don’t.

Just because she made the effort to take her kids to things on foot and via public transport doesn’t mean it’s automatically easy. Nor does it make it not relevant to the thread, as OP’s husband does have a car he can use and he could just get on a bus or walk.

I get it you don’t have a car and it’s hard, it is. But don’t get moody with others who make the effort to get out and about and give advice based on that.

I do have a car.
I think you have me mixed up with someone else. I'm not moody about it - it's just that I responded to a specific post, where someone described a situation that didn't seem very relevant, in my view. You've obviously not read her post, and you assumed I didn't know the details she'd included.

Apologies, you have a car. Now.

I’ve read the whole thread, and I’ve not mixed up anything or anyone as you well know.

I disagree, I think it was relevant and you were rude for no apparent reason. But I see from the above how you’re happy to make up nonsense so I’ll leave you to it!

Thanks for the apology, and for going back and reading.

just get him to drop you at work and pick you up. At least then he can venture a bit further

I think DH needs to spend a few minutes on google and have a look at days out in the local area- there are probably more than he thinks and if buses are available there may well be one that goes near. He just needs to think outside the box a little - look at petting zoos and farm parks and aquariums etc, even tiny ones are often good for a couple of hours of fun. I do understand that it can be really boring doing the same thing over and over especially when kids get obsessed with certain things and it can be disheartening to be aware that you aren't really doing anything 'special' with them, but I don't think you're being unreasonable for being annoyed .

Wow some harsh comments here and I’ve only read the first page! I am a mum of 2 and now I am back at work, I have them 1 day a week by myself and it is hard and a bit boring sometimes. I feel stressed trying to think of fun things for us to do and it would be much harder without a car. So I can see where he is coming from.

It just occurred to me that he reminds me of my father, who had zero inner resources and would make the whole family "go for a drive" on the weekend. That gave him something to do, and bad luck that it meant nothing to do but sit in the car for the rest of us. I wonder if he's moaning because it's sooooo booooring sitting on a bus instead of being the manly man doing the driving (and bonus, getting to ignore his small child).

@Catsmere This brings back memories! Going for a drive was a thing in the 80s. No destination in mind, just driving around. God knows why, it was boring for everyone, but I remember doing it, and lots of my friends having to do it as well.

Presumably a throwback from the 60s/70s when owning a car was a novelty, and going out in one was a treat in itself. Obviously wasn’t much of a treat by 1987 when you got in the car every morning to go to school/supermarket etc

@Catsmere we always used to go for a drive at the weekend, which usually involved my parents having a row 🤦🏽‍♀️ we always went to a destination where we could have gotten out and explored, but never did 🫠

Your dh needs to fucking grow up and try harder.
Pathetic.
All good suggestions above.
Good luck op don't feel guilty.

How far away is your work ? Can't imagine you would use that much petrol v buying taxing insuring another car

Can you get a bus ? Train - cycle

I get his view. It is boring without a car every time he has ds

It's not a one off. It's every time

Can you imagine never having a car when you look after ds - only
Being able to walk /bus somewhere which takes longer

Holy gaslighting Batman.

All the people saying can u get a second car or can he drop u off at work and he has the car for the day, seriously? Ffs it's one day. He needs to grow the f up.

Sure he does. My the sounds of her myself and other people don't feel he actually can use his own mind or choices.

This is putting the responsibility for your husband’s relationship with your son on you. My husband has almost zero relationship with our younger son. All questions go via me, they have never ever done anything together unless I’ve organised it. My husband sulked at having to go to places like Centerparcs. Wouldn’t come to Disney. Unsurprisingly now he’s a young adult his relationship is with me, not his dad. They just need to hang out together- it doesn’t have to be structured. Most kids don’t “do” much with their parents do they. They just chat, introduce them to the world, have a hot chocolate for a treat, answer their questions. Perhaps he’s overthinking it?

I have a similar issue with my partner, he works off shore 3 weeks on, 3 off and we only have 1 car. When he’s at home he does the school run (less than a mile) if our 5 yr old isn’t in childcare and I use the car to get to work. He has the option to walk to my work after and use the car but doesn’t always take it and he uses the car most evenings when I get home to go and see his friends. He whinges about not being able to get out in the holidays and wants a second car, but since I paid for and finance the one we have and he refuses to save money, I refuse to pay for a second one.
You’ve given him options, it’s not your fault he doesn’t like any of them. He needs to find a solution he can live with.

Ignore him or tell him to put his big boy pants on! It's one day a week.

Practically:

He could drop you off one day a month for a change.

Get a cycle and trailer.

Take the bus into town then get another going somewhere else? If DS likes the bus ride just go on a tour. If they see a new park get off the bus! (He could actually plan all this but make it seem spontaneous for your son).

Baking/cooking at home. Possibly take the bus into town to buy ingredients.

Crafts - make cards and gifts. Even if OH is doing all the actual work just now your son can add handprints etc.

Games in the garden. Paddling pool on warm days.

He doesn't need to do the same thing every week so it's never boring for either of them!

Judgey much? I don't see how you can assume that from a few lines.

He doesn’t want to waste the petrol money? I’m afraid that doesn’t make sense - if he got another car, he’d be using petrol to run it, plus all the extra costs associated with owning another car would surely cost a heck of a lot more that running you to work and back again on that one day a week.