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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH dreads his day with our son?

317 replies

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:05

Okay, so firstly he loves our son and adores him. I’m not hating on him. However once a week he had looks after him whilst I work, (he does shift work so works out he can do childcare once a week) he car share and I need the car for work, so they have to use to bus to get into town (it’s a 5 minute bus ride) there isn’t a huge amount to do in town, they is a small soft play and park, however DS loves to just be out and on the bus. DH always seems down when it’s his day to have DS because it’s boring going into town doing the same thing. I then feel so guilty, I want them to have a lovely day together. His argument is if he had a car he could take him to groups and do different activities, however we cannot afford another car at this time. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed it’s such chore for him once a week?

OP posts:
MILsPlates · 14/07/2023 06:50

Your husband is being pathetic and extremely negative. There are multiple solutions to this- they drive you to work and have the car, they get the bus, they do activities at home- and he’s nixed them all. You can bet that even if you got a second car there would be some reason that didn’t solve it either.

it sounds as if he’s finding a full day of childcare a bit dull and too much like hard work and is looking for external justification for that (no car) rather than accepting that maybe childcare can be dull and hard work and you have to make a bit of effort. He’s therefore not actually interested in solutions- the last thing he wants deep down is for you to solve the car problem as then he’ll have to find another justification.

It turns out that looking after a small child all day isn’t always a walk in the park- who knew? I think in your shoes I’d just let him figure it out for himself. This is not one you can fix.

sweepleall · 14/07/2023 06:50

Where would he take your son if he did have the car? Can he not just get there by public transport or bike?

Surely a town with a soft play must have other things too?

Jujubes5 · 14/07/2023 06:52

Maybe get a good book on childrearing so he understands how important it is to spend time with DS.
I think he should have a plan - 7am breakfast, 8 am help DF tidy up toys, 9 am bus to town, shopping, buy snack, walk to park, 12 bus home, 1 nap in front of tv, 2 play in garden with DF watching 3etc
If you leave child to dictate day it is boring.
How old is DS?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/07/2023 06:53

Why does he have to take him out? Sounds like you fill the week taking him to groups and stuff so why cant they just chill at home/garden? Kids do not need to be entertained 24/7 with groups and classes.

jetland · 14/07/2023 06:55

I'm a sahm and I would find it depressing and dull to just go to the same place and just 2 activities all the time. It's why city living works for us, as we're able to do a huge variety of activities with easy travelling (all on foot or public transport). Life is just more interesting and fun with different things to do - loads of classes from music to messy play, museums, swimming, tons of different parks and soft plays. I think if you've opted for more remote living, you have to accept the limitations of that (and do more home based activities), accept having 2 cars, or other transport like a bike, taxi, or multiple bus trips.

bussteward · 14/07/2023 06:56

SarahAndQuack · 13/07/2023 23:42

What does your son enjoy? I'd base decisions on that rather than primarily on your DH.

I agree with PP saying small children can be hard. When DD was little we had a patch when DP left the house at 6 and got home at 6, and I was at home in a village with a minimal bus service and no amenities, and I adore DD but I lived for 6pm because by then I was just done in. Sure, we did all sorts of wholesome gardening/cake-baking/paddling pool/nursery rhymes shit, and I'm sure there are people out there who can do that for 12 hours and adore every minute, but by hour 11 I was counting seconds.

I remember at the time I used to keep thinking 'if only we had a car I'd go into town and do other things, and get to know some local mums, and it'd be so much easier'. To some extent, a second car would have made it easier - I can believe that if I could have done something really tiring, like baby swimming, it'd have been worth it. But that's only an hour (max) and the sleep afterwards, and you're back to it, so I'm not sure it would have been the huge benefit I imagined at the time. Realistically, activities are nice, but the reality of looking after a little child is that they like routine and they like dawdling through things, and you won't magic that away.

Looking back, DD actually had a lovely time. She was really happy. If your son is actually perfectly happy with slow, boring days with dad, then I think maybe the more important thing is to keep reminding your DH that he's doing a good job even when it feels boring.

This is really good advice. I adore my children but they are quite boring (I have felt OK admitting that since I read a Judith Kerr interview saying small children are boring).

I remember one day with DD, who was an early riser, we baked a cake. We needed an ingredient so walked to the shop, dawdling. We baked the cake, played while it cooled, decorated it. I washed up while she watched Hey Duggee. Great times till I looked at the clock: 9.30am. Days with small children are loooooong. I much preferred days out: journey, the thing (museum/exhibition/national trust), cafe, run around, pram nap, journey back – it breaks the long day into blocks.

Why not try it his way one day, see how it goes with him having the car?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/07/2023 06:59

You are the same poster who made another thread complaining because your mum looks after your ds 2 days a week and you didnt like she didnt take him out and do activities with him on her days, honestly you need to stop micromanaging what other people are doing on their time with him.

bumblebee2235 · 14/07/2023 07:00

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:10

I’ve suggested this, but he doesn’t want to waste the petrol money

Sounds like he just wants to moan, to moan then.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/07/2023 07:04

I bet your Husband is completely exhausted with you demanding he takes ds out on the bus every week because 'ds loves being out on the bus'. This is not about a car or your husband not enjoying his day with his ds, this is about you putting expectations on him to do what YOU want him to do with his time.

Vettrianofan · 14/07/2023 07:05

What about a woodland walk?

Peony654 · 14/07/2023 07:10

Sorry but he’s being very lazy. They could drop you at work and pick you up. Otherwise surely there’s a park somewhere, DS can ride his bike, go to playground, they could get another bus somewhere, do activities at home.

FlamingoQueen · 14/07/2023 07:33

How old is your ds? Could he buy a bike with appropriate child seat so they could have slightly better adventures on their day together? The only other alternative is to drop you to work, which may be a waste of petrol, but perhaps he could do it every other week.

DutchCowgirl · 14/07/2023 07:42

You say he doesn’t want to drop you off because of the petrol costs… but buying an extra car costs way more!
He could even consider taking a cab once in a while, still lots cheaper then the extra car.

I don’t have a car on my parttime day and we do everything on foot, by bike or public transport. Going to the zoo today by train!

HaddawayAndShite · 14/07/2023 07:42

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:10

I’ve suggested this, but he doesn’t want to waste the petrol money

But it’s the same petrol money if you had 2 cars. He’s not very bright is he?

LGBirmingham · 14/07/2023 07:42

I really sympathise with your DH. I adore our son but until he was about 18 months I dreaded my days off with him too. It was just such hard work, much harder than a day in an intense deadline driven role. I had to get out twice a day for my sanity. We're lucky though that we have about 5 different parks, several libraries, several soft plays, lots of toddler groups and lots of friends all within walking distance so it didn't matter if I had the car or not.

What changed at 18 months? He was able to watch tv for a bit, which he didn't prior to that. Which meant spending an afternoon at home wasn't completely mentally draining for me. His concentration also increased generally so would play with things for longer. Now at 2.5 I can garden and he potters and helps me and it's all much easier. But to be honest I still would avoid an entire day in the house. That sounds like pure torture for both of them, I'm surprised others are suggesting that.

Beseen22 · 14/07/2023 07:49

When my DH worked 35 mins away and took the car every day i did get a bit annoyed sometimes tbh. It's one of the rainiest parts of the country and I did the school run constantly in the pouring rain or when we went to toddlers it would be a 40 minute walk but at least half the time in the pouring rain. I didn't really want to drive 2 1 hour long trips with DC ust to have the car but it was a little annoying that DH had 2x colleagues within a 5 minute distance and they could have car shared occasionally. So neither ABU but having been in a similar situation I kind of get it.

gogomoto · 14/07/2023 07:54

Is there not a drop in toddler group in the town? Lots of dads attend ours

ohtowinthelottery · 14/07/2023 08:11

He's got 2 choices:
Drop you at work so he can have the car (the cost of petrol will be far less than funding a 2nd car). OR
Get more inventive about things he can do and places he can go to with your DS.
It's his problem to solve and he needs to stop whinging like a child who says "I'm bored!"

Chasingadvice · 14/07/2023 08:24

Commentsonly · 13/07/2023 23:32

My OH looked after our DC once a week when they were little and I remember coming home one day and my OH was lying on the floor a bit teary.

In reality it is harder for dads as the mummy network exclude them. And so it can get really lonely. The kid isn’t that much chat at that age either.

I would try to get him to make / meet local dad mates that he can hang about with. And just suck it up with the petrol money. He’s only got a few years till he’ll be on school. Then you’ll be wishing you had those days back.

Laying on the floor in tears.. after looking after his child one day a week? Jesus

Gettingbysomehow · 14/07/2023 08:32

Your DH needs to find his own solutions to problems. You shouldn't have to worry about it.

Mama678 · 14/07/2023 08:47

A push bike with baby seat and a good secure lock?

Indi1906 · 14/07/2023 08:47

Would love to see the replies if the roles were reversed and DH had to have the car…

OP, do you need the car as part of your work (assume not if you can be dropped there) or can you get the bus/train? If public transport is an option for you, YABU.

If it’s not, it’s going to be a bit tedious for your DH to be honest, the same routine generally is but I’d maybe just suggest utilising the bus routes out of town for a change of scenery.

MammaTo · 14/07/2023 08:50

It’s once a week? I think he’s being dramatic and a little self absorbed at not wanting to get the bus or do the same thing every week.
If he’s really that bothered he needs to get up in the morning and take you to work so he has the car.

Naunet · 14/07/2023 08:54

Windercar · 13/07/2023 23:35

Stop parenting your husband. Why is he not on here asking for tips on what to do. Sounds like another sad loser dad

This.

Why is this your problem to solve OP? Stop doing a grown man’s thinking for him.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 14/07/2023 08:59

Podcats · 13/07/2023 23:15

He sounds like a right moaner. Ffs. I didn't have a car when ds was born and I walked everywhere with him. Parks, softplay, toddlers, into town. On the days I didn't do that we played at home and used our imaginations. He needs to get a grip. So feeling guilty. This is not on you.

Agree with this / and he only has to think of one day! He needs to put some effort in

We were in a similar situation when DD was born and on my "car days" we'd just drop him at work first and collect him around 6pm. Bit of a ball ache at times especially going out in the cold dark in winter to get him when we were all cosy indoors but it was worth it (and the petrol) to still have that freedom while also only running one car

It's funny how mums can manage this shit Confused