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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH dreads his day with our son?

317 replies

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:05

Okay, so firstly he loves our son and adores him. I’m not hating on him. However once a week he had looks after him whilst I work, (he does shift work so works out he can do childcare once a week) he car share and I need the car for work, so they have to use to bus to get into town (it’s a 5 minute bus ride) there isn’t a huge amount to do in town, they is a small soft play and park, however DS loves to just be out and on the bus. DH always seems down when it’s his day to have DS because it’s boring going into town doing the same thing. I then feel so guilty, I want them to have a lovely day together. His argument is if he had a car he could take him to groups and do different activities, however we cannot afford another car at this time. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed it’s such chore for him once a week?

OP posts:
tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 14/07/2023 09:00

thecatinthetwat · 13/07/2023 23:20

Little kids are boring on the regular, that’s life. I don’t think it’s really the car thing. It’s more a tough shit type of a thing. It’s fine that he finds it boring is what I’m saying, it is boring.

Grin very true

Soontobe60 · 14/07/2023 09:03

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:10

I’ve suggested this, but he doesn’t want to waste the petrol money

Unless you work miles away and use £££s of petrol, surely using the car would work out cheaper than the bus?

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 14/07/2023 09:04

Ketzele · 13/07/2023 23:52

I raised two children solo with no car. Christ yes, it was often boring. But that's where you learn real parenting, getting down to your child's eye view of things. It forces you to be creative. I rarely took my kids for exciting day trips. But I did take them to the library, to the garden centre, to the pet shop. We went to charity shops where I used the £2 challenge: find the best thing you can find for two quid and if I approve of it I will buy it for you (that used to take them hours). We made slime. We had indoor picnics when it rained. We got buses to places we didn't know, just to explore them. We made sock bunnies. We went to every local church fair. We went to the Wimpy for a super cheap lunch with table board games.

It was hard work and yes, I would have preferred life with a partner and a car and a bit more money. But it was the real stuff of parenting. I can see why your dp dreads his day, however much he loves his son - dipping your toe in and out of the cold water of parenting tedium is always hard. But do NOT rescue him from this: this is where he learns new parenting skills st another level!

So true

I think I discovered more of my local area/community during the "buggy years" than I ever knew in the 6 years prior

Noicant · 14/07/2023 09:11

It is pretty boring, you just have to suck it up. I used to have a whinge at DH, I didn’t want him to fix it, just listen to me whinge.

LondonPapa · 14/07/2023 09:15

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:10

I’ve suggested this, but he doesn’t want to waste the petrol money

He doesn't want to waste petrol money but wants to waste money on a new car, insurance, tax, maintenance and petrol instead? Honestly, his view on this seems to be one of the most idiotic I've seen.

Spendonsend · 14/07/2023 09:21

Are there really no toddler groups or parks in the town the bus goes to, or in walking distance of the house.

Otherwise can you use public transport for work.

Its difficult, its nice to have fun days out with your children but also regular routine life is what most childcare is about.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 14/07/2023 09:23

Get him to drive you to and from work or you get an Uber to and from work for the next month. Frame it as 'an experiment' to see if it transforms his time with DS but don't do anything else to micromanage that time for him.

He'll either find something else to moan about, in which case it's a lost cause, or everything will be fine. It's not a waste of petrol/taxi money if it makes him happy, is it?

dottiedodah · 14/07/2023 09:26

Maybe some swimming lessons or suchlike? Or he could drop you off while he and the little guy go out. Our area has a car share, maybe yours has something similar. What about a bike for him with a child seat? Can he meet up with a friend or family member maybe

Twyford · 14/07/2023 09:32

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:44

also he does a lot of night shifts which means he doesn’t see DS for a few nights, he has time to himself a fair bit as I take DS to mum meets. I just think it’s once a week sick it up, but then I also have the car so I have so much freedom. That’s why I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable

But he could have the car and all that freedom if he didn't begrudge the petrol for giving you lifts to work. It's not going to cost that much, is it? He either sucks that up, or he sucks up getting on the bus, or he sucks up staying at home with DS. Plenty of other parents cope.

CharlieRight · 14/07/2023 09:33

Get a bicycle with a child seat or child trailer. My DS and I used to go out riding for hours and really bonded.

Upanddownthemerrygoround · 14/07/2023 09:34

i could do (mini) bike and balance bike adventures fr when my kids were 2. He needs to see it from his sons perspective.

DadJamie · 14/07/2023 09:38

Surely that’s cheaper than buying another car!

Harrythehappypig · 14/07/2023 09:40

It’s really not clear what he actually wants. We got rid of our second car after lockdown when both DH and my jobs became permanently/predominantly WFH.
it cost so much money to run two cars so if he doesn’t want to “waste”’a bit of petrol money then he’s going to waste far more in the associated expenses of a second car

MILsPlates · 14/07/2023 09:41

Think part of the problem for all these dads struggling to look after a child for a single day is that they may have come into it thinking “well, this will be a piece of piss, what are women grumbling about?” and then found it actually wasn’t.

Duckingella · 14/07/2023 09:41

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:10

I’ve suggested this, but he doesn’t want to waste the petrol money

So basically he just doesn't want to car share with you and is feeling slighted about not having a car all to himself and is attempting to use your young son to emotionally blackmail you into a financial situation you both can't afford.

He's being an arse.

bonzaitree · 14/07/2023 09:44

i Wouldn’t give this any more headspace OP. It’s not your problem to solve.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/07/2023 09:47

MILsPlates · 14/07/2023 09:41

Think part of the problem for all these dads struggling to look after a child for a single day is that they may have come into it thinking “well, this will be a piece of piss, what are women grumbling about?” and then found it actually wasn’t.

I would put money on it being the opposite in this case, I would say Dad probably does find looking after him a piece of piss, its ops micromanaging which is making it difficult for him. She needs to stop telling him what to do and where to go and just let him get on with his time with their son. This really is not about another car.

fireflyloo · 14/07/2023 09:49

Op can you use public transport to work? If you have the car for work everyday and dh never has it then I can see how it would be annoying. On my one day off with dc I'd like to have more freedom to run errands or go somewhere.

Chickenpie35 · 14/07/2023 09:54

Why do they have to go out? Do you tell them they must go out and be productive and not waste a day?

Staying home can be just as fun. Having to go somewhere can be a ball ache wether it's soft play and meant to be fun or not. Let your kid watch a movie with dad, have a chill day. Go for breakfast and come home for the day having to go to soft play or having to go to town is tedious soz

Hadjab · 14/07/2023 09:57

cestlavielife · 13/07/2023 23:10

He doesnt love and adore him
If he cannot be bothered to do something your son likes to do and put child first

But given you belive he loves and adores him then
Carry on with your day say nothing leave them to it
He will figure it out

What bollocks! Where in OP’s post does she say her DH can’t be bothered?

UrsulaIsMyQueen · 14/07/2023 09:58

Chickenpie35 · 14/07/2023 09:54

Why do they have to go out? Do you tell them they must go out and be productive and not waste a day?

Staying home can be just as fun. Having to go somewhere can be a ball ache wether it's soft play and meant to be fun or not. Let your kid watch a movie with dad, have a chill day. Go for breakfast and come home for the day having to go to soft play or having to go to town is tedious soz

I’m pretty sure the DH has his own mind and could choose to stay at home with the child if he wanted to.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/07/2023 10:00

UrsulaIsMyQueen · 14/07/2023 09:58

I’m pretty sure the DH has his own mind and could choose to stay at home with the child if he wanted to.

Show quote history

Going by ops last thread that I was on I would honestly bet my house on the fact she makes him go out. I bet he just wants to chill at home/in the garden with him but because 'ds loves the bus' she make her dh take him on his day looking after him.

truthhurts23 · 14/07/2023 10:00

Commentsonly · 13/07/2023 23:32

My OH looked after our DC once a week when they were little and I remember coming home one day and my OH was lying on the floor a bit teary.

In reality it is harder for dads as the mummy network exclude them. And so it can get really lonely. The kid isn’t that much chat at that age either.

I would try to get him to make / meet local dad mates that he can hang about with. And just suck it up with the petrol money. He’s only got a few years till he’ll be on school. Then you’ll be wishing you had those days back.

😂you can not be serious

Lachimolala · 14/07/2023 10:01

SarahAndQuack · 13/07/2023 23:55

TBF, I'm not sure it counts as 'not having a car' if you have access to libraries, garden centres, pet shops etc. You didn't need a car, did you?! Either there was a bus or you were in a place where you didn't have to drive.

Show quote history

Of course it counts.

If you don’t have a car you don’t have a car, there’s nothing more to it.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/07/2023 10:01

Unfortunately she cant control what her Mum does with him when she is providing childcare 2 days a week but she can control what her DH does by making sure she has the car.