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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH dreads his day with our son?

317 replies

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:05

Okay, so firstly he loves our son and adores him. I’m not hating on him. However once a week he had looks after him whilst I work, (he does shift work so works out he can do childcare once a week) he car share and I need the car for work, so they have to use to bus to get into town (it’s a 5 minute bus ride) there isn’t a huge amount to do in town, they is a small soft play and park, however DS loves to just be out and on the bus. DH always seems down when it’s his day to have DS because it’s boring going into town doing the same thing. I then feel so guilty, I want them to have a lovely day together. His argument is if he had a car he could take him to groups and do different activities, however we cannot afford another car at this time. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed it’s such chore for him once a week?

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 14/07/2023 00:21

There is a bus though. Which goes to town, which has a soft play and a park. Sounds like the size of town that might have more to it than just those things. There surely has to be things like church run playgroups, various smaller play areas, other places to get to via other buses.

@HJB2021 is it a very small town with no further buses on to anywhere else? Is there a library? Local museum?

porridgecake · 14/07/2023 00:23

I walked miles with DS in the pram then the buggy as he got bigger. I didn't have a car at all, so it was walk or struggle on and off buses. It was the park or the local shopping centre (it had a medium sized fish tank which was a bribe to get round the shop for groceries).
I was slimmer and fitter than I have ever been before or since.
Little children are perfectly happy with a bus ride, park, and company.
This is parenting - you have to do all sorts of things that you find challenging or boring. You have to be unselfish to be a good parent.

UrsulaBelle · 14/07/2023 00:24

I’m sure the extra petrol for one day a week dropping you off at work is cheaper than buying, insuring and maintaining a second car. He’s just a lazy git who doesn’t want to share a car.

Codlingmoths · 14/07/2023 00:26

Whine whine whine. Bike seat? But this is up to him to solve, we can’t buy a car, happy for you to use the car, maybe you could think of some solutions here, those groups didn’t fling themselves at my head you know.
Yes darling, you find the bus trip boring but ds LOVES IT. Changing nappies is boring, reading the same book out loud 5 times in a row is boring, I think I say yes darling in response to mum mum MUM every 20 seconds on average with my 4yo sometimes and it’s soooo boring, what does he want? He thinks you have fun activities and company handed to you on a plate wiht mummy groups, but doesn’t recognise the work and all the BORING and TIRED that went into getting to that place, and keeping baby alive and happy and fed all those days you worked on those groups and friends.

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/07/2023 00:29

How much is the petrol going to cost if it's just once a week? Or could he take you to work on that day and you get the bus home (via the pub)?

Scienceadvisory · 14/07/2023 00:39

How long is the drive to your work? Because if its over 30 mins then it's not really doable him dropping you off as it would mean 2 hours in the car for him and your son.

You do have it easier than him given you have the car when you are looking after your child. You can also go to your mum's - does your husband have a close relative he can go to for the day?

I think posters on here would be more sympathetic if you said you were struggling on your day at home.

Is there any option of a taxi? If its just a round trip once a week will probably be cheaper than running a second car.

ThinWomansBrain · 14/07/2023 00:41

If he drove you to work then had he car, how does the cost of fuel for that compare to bus fares?
Plus if he had the car he could do useful stuff - like supermarket shopping.

Scienceadvisory · 14/07/2023 00:41

Codlingmoths · 14/07/2023 00:26

Whine whine whine. Bike seat? But this is up to him to solve, we can’t buy a car, happy for you to use the car, maybe you could think of some solutions here, those groups didn’t fling themselves at my head you know.
Yes darling, you find the bus trip boring but ds LOVES IT. Changing nappies is boring, reading the same book out loud 5 times in a row is boring, I think I say yes darling in response to mum mum MUM every 20 seconds on average with my 4yo sometimes and it’s soooo boring, what does he want? He thinks you have fun activities and company handed to you on a plate wiht mummy groups, but doesn’t recognise the work and all the BORING and TIRED that went into getting to that place, and keeping baby alive and happy and fed all those days you worked on those groups and friends.

Well if she gets credit for keeping the baby alive and happy and fed then surely he does to? Or is it only hard work when a woman is doing it?

Codlingmoths · 14/07/2023 00:42

Scienceadvisory · 14/07/2023 00:41

Well if she gets credit for keeping the baby alive and happy and fed then surely he does to? Or is it only hard work when a woman is doing it?

Show quote history

I am assuming she did this all day and night long for months and months after baby was born, and it’s only now she’s back at work that he has a day. While she still has more than one day at home with their child.

12RedRoses · 14/07/2023 00:43

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:10

I’ve suggested this, but he doesn’t want to waste the petrol money

Doesn’t make sense. Having a second car means 2 lots of petrol the same day, PLUS the actual cost of a fucking second car and insurance and mot……
Hes not a great dad if he can’t spend the bus money on driving you to work as that helps you and inconveniences him, nor wanting to spend the day at home playing or making things with his son. You don’t need to leave the house every day or go to groups.

Longdarkteatimeofthesoul · 14/07/2023 00:50

Parenting is mostly the same boring drudge day after day but we love our kids and put up with the drudge because of said love! He needs to suck it up and you need to not parent him as well!

MintJulia · 14/07/2023 01:11

So your dh finds it boring and can't have a good time because he doesn't have a car! Blimey, how entitled is he?

Maybe he could see that his ds loves the bus ride. Or he could do something different, stay at home and have a baking day or take his ds swimming, or out in a sling or in a buggy. When my ds was little I used to pop him in a sling and go hiking, take a picnic.

Tell your dh to go on the internet and look up the local library, arts centres, local charities, national trust etc. Open days, parent& baby activities etc.

Fraaahnces · 14/07/2023 01:13

You have offered practical alternatives. If DH doesn’t cope with the consequences of refusing those, that’s on him.

Pawpatrolsucks · 14/07/2023 01:14

You don’t need to micro manage his day. If he isn’t enjoying it he will work it out.

Catsmere · 14/07/2023 02:31

He wants to buy a second car rather than "waste" petrol money taking you to and from work once a week? Man's an idiot.

coxesorangepippin · 14/07/2023 02:34

Mountain out of a molehill or what

Christ on a bike, these men!

Seddon · 14/07/2023 02:48

itsmylife7 · 14/07/2023 00:11

He only has him one day a week and he's bored of the bus and softplay.....welcome to parenthood.

Just leave him to get on with parenting your son OP.

Don't try and "fix it " as there's nothing to fix.

Exactly. He's rejected the useful suggestion you made about taking the car, he can wallow in his own misery or he can be proactive and do things that he finds more interesting. His problem, his choice.

ButterCrackers · 14/07/2023 02:58

If he has the car he has less interaction with his ds. It’ll be easy and they’ll travel far. He can take the bus and enjoy the day out. Kids don’t need big activities. Is there a market or supermarket they could go to? Soft play is good fun to do. Is there a library? Just having a cafe stop will be nice for your ds.

MrsElsa · 14/07/2023 03:13

How much petrol money are we talking for him to drop you at work then drive to town or wherever?

I'm struggling to visualise it. Is it an extra 15 miles, or 50 miles?! It can't cost much!

Gracewithoutend · 14/07/2023 03:15

I wouldn't want to go to the same place every week. That's so boring. I hate not having the car. I feel so trapped when the car just goes into the garage for a service. Even though if I had it at home, I might not even use it! So I get how he feels. But if he doesn't want to take you to work, then he's limiting his options.
But don't get sad. They love their time together and they'll figure it out.

Threesmycrowd · 14/07/2023 03:34

Can't he get a taxi

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 14/07/2023 03:34

He's being an idiot over the petrol money because if he did it, say, every other week, the cost would be minimal.

I have had a car for my 2 days off a week with a 1 to 4 year old, plus a National Trust membership, Longleat membership, and enough cash to go where we wanted within reason. And yet, the thing he most wants to do is the soft play we can walk to. I'm sick of the sight of it but at certain ages looking after your kid is essentially unpaid work that we sign up for as parents. Particularly at about 1.5 when they can run headfirst into things but not have a conversation!

ASimpleLampoon · 14/07/2023 03:48

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:10

I’ve suggested this, but he doesn’t want to waste the petrol money

So there's money for a second car but not petrol ? Nah mate.

He doesn't want to do parenting. He is not interested in logical solutions.

He sounds pathetic tbh

bagforlifeamnesty · 14/07/2023 03:53

God can you imagine a man posting this. Saying that his wife has to look after their child one day a week and he feels so guilty because she finds it boring.

no you can’t. This is DHs problem not yours. He needs to suck it up or be proactive in changing things eg drop you to work or get a bike. Sounds like he enjoys a whinge and thinks the general day to day drudgery of looking after toddlers is beneath him because really it’s women’s work. Only interested in being fun dad and making him laugh etc rather than having to think about the logistics of spending a whole day together, coming up with different ideas, making plans etc.

3luckystars · 14/07/2023 04:02

Sounds like he is making up problems so he can get his own car.