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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH dreads his day with our son?

317 replies

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:05

Okay, so firstly he loves our son and adores him. I’m not hating on him. However once a week he had looks after him whilst I work, (he does shift work so works out he can do childcare once a week) he car share and I need the car for work, so they have to use to bus to get into town (it’s a 5 minute bus ride) there isn’t a huge amount to do in town, they is a small soft play and park, however DS loves to just be out and on the bus. DH always seems down when it’s his day to have DS because it’s boring going into town doing the same thing. I then feel so guilty, I want them to have a lovely day together. His argument is if he had a car he could take him to groups and do different activities, however we cannot afford another car at this time. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed it’s such chore for him once a week?

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 14/07/2023 04:10

Get your husband to drive you to work every few weeks so he can plan to change up the routine with son some days.
There might be a club or play group that they can enjoy every couple of weeks or choose to go further afield fishing, swimming, rock climbing etc.
Suggest husband tries new things at home - cook, garden, board games like chess and new things at the park - planes, cricket, soccer ball, bird watch, ride bikes. He should involve son in doing necessary household chores and tidying.

Suggest that husband too gets a bike and that your family gets a dog... then frisbies, dog tricks, walks, runs etc will be more surprising and adventurous.

Does your husband have a friend or family who lives nearby who he can visit sometimes?
He needs to hear all these suggestions and then make his day with son work for himself.
Leave him to it. Kids who feel bored invent more games and develop an imagination - possibbly that is the same for bored husbands.

FOJN · 14/07/2023 04:22

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:44

also he does a lot of night shifts which means he doesn’t see DS for a few nights, he has time to himself a fair bit as I take DS to mum meets. I just think it’s once a week sick it up, but then I also have the car so I have so much freedom. That’s why I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable

You can't afford a second car and he doesn't want to drop you at work and use the family car so what are you supposed to do about it?

I understand he might find doing the same thing boring but a man who kept complaining whilst resisting the solution or not coming up with one of his own would get on my tits.

He's an adult, let him work it out for himself and do not feel guilty.

stayathomer · 14/07/2023 04:31

I voted yabu just because your title is misleading and also I think it’s cracked that people are acting like he’s a bad dad just because he moans that he finds the repetition boring or because it’s more difficult he doesn’t have the car (which of course it is, he’d have a totally different day with the car but yes of course a second one isn’t warranted!)

Just had to jump in and say someone suggested a dog, definitely don’t get a dog just for something to do with a young child!!!

Dontsparethehorses · 14/07/2023 04:41

other Than get a second car what’s his solution? He doesn’t need to drop/ collect you every week even just once a month for some variation.

Mutabiliss · 14/07/2023 04:48

It does sound like he's just having a whinge about not having a car. BUT I used to dread my solo day with my son during Covid when he was under 3. Nothing was open (or we were being careful and avoiding going indoors) and there was just nothing to do. I used to drive into town even when all the shops were shut, just so we could both look at something other than the house and our local park. If you live in a very small town I can understand him finding it hard work.

So yes, I do get that entertaining a small child is boring. It doesn't mean I don't love him. It's just much, much more fun now he's older.

Waffle78 · 14/07/2023 04:51

But he's prepared to waste money on running a second car?

SideTime · 14/07/2023 05:06

Commentsonly · 13/07/2023 23:32

My OH looked after our DC once a week when they were little and I remember coming home one day and my OH was lying on the floor a bit teary.

In reality it is harder for dads as the mummy network exclude them. And so it can get really lonely. The kid isn’t that much chat at that age either.

I would try to get him to make / meet local dad mates that he can hang about with. And just suck it up with the petrol money. He’s only got a few years till he’ll be on school. Then you’ll be wishing you had those days back.

I agree with this.

It's lonely and tedious looking after a toddler for 8+ hours a day alone, with no adult interaction. I met up with mum friends every single day on my days with small DC and would have gone mad without this social connection.

I also had to get out for a large portion of every day, regardless of the weather. Would have gone mad without this too.

So I get where your DH is coming from - but he needs to suck up the petrol money, drop you at work, and make an effort to go to groups where he can meet people (even if they're mums) so he can chat to others.

Nice bonding time for the three of you in the car to/from your work too!

CapEBarra · 14/07/2023 05:19

Your husband is a grown ass man and capable of coming up with a solution. You don’t need to pick up the mental load for this.

Holly60 · 14/07/2023 05:27

HJB2021 · 13/07/2023 23:10

I’ve suggested this, but he doesn’t want to waste the petrol money

I too would have hated not to have a car when I had small children.

I know lots of people are saying it's fine but personally the freedom meant everything. Sometimes it was fine just doing stuff at home but others I just needed to be able to bundle them in the car and go.

However, you've already given him the solution. Even if he doesn't want to do it every week - he can choose some days to have the car and give you a lift on those days.

Plbrookes · 14/07/2023 05:41

cestlavielife · 13/07/2023 23:10

He doesnt love and adore him
If he cannot be bothered to do something your son likes to do and put child first

But given you belive he loves and adores him then
Carry on with your day say nothing leave them to it
He will figure it out

But he does do it ...

Festoonedflurryfairy · 14/07/2023 05:45
  • Put an ad up locally looking for other fathers of young dc to do stuff with locally - meet in park or whatever - on the same day of week
  • buy bike with a toddler seat
  • drop you at work and take the car then pick you up
  • decide to stay at home for the day apart from a walk around the block and play in the garden or park, or walk around local streets dc in hand pulled bike or cart, do crafts, baking, cleaning and batch cooking and sort DIY tasks with dc “helping”
BurnsBurnsBurns · 14/07/2023 05:48

Doesn’t like to waste petrol money? Would the 2nd car run on fresh air then?

AutieNOT0tie · 14/07/2023 05:58

I agree you be don't need a second car for one day a week. I'd bet a lot of you activities are weekly. He doesn't have to go to town they could do activities at home or can they get a train further afield.

Otherwise dropping you off seems logical far cheaper than buying and running a second car.

Velvian · 14/07/2023 05:59

Petrol money will be far less than a 2nd car or a day in nursery for DS. Would it even be very much more than the bus they take?

ArthurPoppy · 14/07/2023 06:06

can he get a bike with a toddler seat? Cycle about. It’s really down to him to create his own fun and create his own connections.

ChaliceinWonderland · 14/07/2023 06:16

Yep, sad loser husband. Stop,parenting him, how can you find him sexually attractive? Waste of space,

HairyKitty · 14/07/2023 06:18

What a whiner your DH is.
No child needs to leave the house everyday so it’s actually your husband who is the one complaining here.
Lots of families share one car and lots of the time it’s the working partner who takes it. In most one car families someone is stranded at home without the car sometimes.
Basically it’s tough, no big deal and he needs to pull himself together. Don’t spend one single moment feeling “guilty”. I have a feeling you probably do more than your fair share of parenting and housework otherwise you wouldn’t be giving this any thought at all.

WhatNoRaisins · 14/07/2023 06:18

If he's quibbling over petrol money then I doubt any other solutions that you suggest will be good enough so I wouldn't bother making more.

How old is your DC? At 1-2 I think it's normal to struggle at home as their attention spans are so short most activities people suggest are more trouble than they're worth. At 3-4 crafting and baking can be a lot more fun.

123rainbow · 14/07/2023 06:28

Ignore the people saying your husband is a waste of space or doesn't love your son. I found being with my son all day hard, I was always anxious about not being enough for him and sometimes it is boring. I love him more than anything in the world though.

NashvilleQueen · 14/07/2023 06:29

He can't be arsed to put the effort in is the long and short of it.

CarlaTheGnome · 14/07/2023 06:33

The mind numbing drudgery of caring for little children is real, but this is one day! And only one child! Good grief, if he can't manage to come up with his own ideas for surviving one day with just one child then he's got a problem. I don't blame him for the boredom, but that's just life with toddlers! You just have to get creative and mix the boredom up a bit 😆

GoodChat · 14/07/2023 06:33

I think he should get the car on that one day a week.

He's got endless opportunities for trips and activities if the has the car. It's a bit rubbish they can't just do what they want and have really limited options for their only day together.

AgentJohnson · 14/07/2023 06:34

Why are you feeling guilty? The car is an excuse and not the reason ‘he’s struggling’, it’s one day a week for ffs!

Don’t go down the rabbit hole of trying to solve your partner’s lack of ingenuity.

georgarina · 14/07/2023 06:43

Is this a joke?

I'm a single mum of 3 without a car. When you go to the same groups every week you meet people and you can do stuff with them. There are lots of things you can do. H can engage his brain and Google some of them, or follow some IG accounts.

It's honestly so pathetic to be moaning about being bored during your ONE day with your child.

AgentJohnson · 14/07/2023 06:46

And I would have to agree with other posters about him ‘adoring his son’ whilst complaining about spending the little time he does with him. To paraphrase the great Lizzo, why are dads great until they gotta be dads. Parenting is not a spectator sport. You do you and your son no favours by pandering to a lazy man who doesn’t realise how privileged he is.

Remember that your partner is your sons primary male role model, which means that his dad will set the tone for how your son may parent. I suspect that if your son came to you complaining that he had to look after his son on his own for a few hours a week, you would be less forgiving.

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