Married for 8 years, together for 11. 1ds, 7. We relocated from London to DHs v rural home village when DS was tiny.
DH has life almost exactly the way he wants it. Back in his place of birth, surrounded by familiarity and what he holds dear. Parents and old friends just up the road. Does his dream job, which earns bugger all but makes him happy. Physically demanding and early starts (leaves at 7.15am) but 0 stress. Doesn't go out much admittedly (nowhere to go nearby to be fair), but meets up with friends a few times a month, usually involving staying over at a friends house (no public transport so a couple of pints means can't get home). Goes on weekends away walking with old school mates 3 or 4 times a year. Does minimal housework / life admin / mental load when nagged but does do laundry and occasionally cleans when asked. He's gentle, polite, but also not particularly affectionate or emotionally articulate.
I work 40+ hours a week in a rewarding but highly stressful job. I earn a third of his wage again, but vol sector so still not big bucks. I do all the life admin, school runs, arranging appointments for us all + dog, almost 100% of cooking, organising childcare for summer hols, yada yada. I live hundreds of miles from family and old friend. I've actively tried to make new friends but rurality / young child / pandemic / work makes it hard. Life feels pretty thankless and joyless sometimes (accepting DS, who is a delight).
We are about to go away on our first foreign holiday in 8 years. I've paid for it, organised it. We're touring France in our van so quite a lot of organising - not a straight forward package hol. DH has been doing up the camper, slowly, for months. Peaks of activity when I've pushed but otherwise slow progress. He finished the "fun" bits last month so I've been doing all the details - finishing off woodwork, sanding, priming, painting, curtains, bedding. I've been getting up at 6.30, walking the dog, doing the school run, working all day and doing the van all evening until 11pm.
The other day I did this for the fourth day on the trot. He had had the day off (felt rough) and cooked that night. When I got in from working outside the dishes were waiting for me. I raised an eyebrow. "I cooked. You do the dishes. That's the rule". It's true, he refuses to have a dishwasher so, after I pick DS up, come in and cook, he usually does the dishes.
Today I discovered that van (his van, in his name, he uses for work. I have my own car for work) has had no MOT since April. He forgot. That's illegal. His work isn't office based so who had to organise an emergency MOT? You guessed it. He has decided, against my strongly expressed wishes, to keep driving it for the few days in the meantime. Irresponsible, selfish (criminal) arse.
He has decided to go away this weekend with his mates. We leave for our supposed family holiday (assuming the van passes its MOT) a week tomorrow. I now have to work, finish the van and look after DS single handed over the weekend, and prepare for our holiday. At the same time, my work is reaching its apex in getting a project off the ground. I have three new staff starting the week after we get back. It feels like a lot.
I politely, and then slightly less politely, articulated this. I said I'm already holding a lot, and DH being absent the weekend before we go away when there's so much to do is unfair and unhelpful. I've been told I'm being dramatic, he doesn't see the problem and its "not that hard".
He also said "I dont have the energy to listen to your needs all the time", and I need to "find someone else to offload to who has the energy to care".
Fine. It feels like a slap in the face and the last straw. I'd quite like to go on holiday without him now tbh. Am I being unreasonable to think I can find someone who "cares" about me, my life, all of this, but that might have consequences for our marriage?
And how the hell do I get through this long awaited, hard worked for "holiday"?