To think DHs actions have (big) consequences?

[AppelationStation]

Married for 8 years, together for 11. 1ds, 7. We relocated from London to DHs v rural home village when DS was tiny.

DH has life almost exactly the way he wants it. Back in his place of birth, surrounded by familiarity and what he holds dear. Parents and old friends just up the road. Does his dream job, which earns bugger all but makes him happy. Physically demanding and early starts (leaves at 7.15am) but 0 stress. Doesn't go out much admittedly (nowhere to go nearby to be fair), but meets up with friends a few times a month, usually involving staying over at a friends house (no public transport so a couple of pints means can't get home). Goes on weekends away walking with old school mates 3 or 4 times a year. Does minimal housework / life admin / mental load when nagged but does do laundry and occasionally cleans when asked. He's gentle, polite, but also not particularly affectionate or emotionally articulate.

I work 40+ hours a week in a rewarding but highly stressful job. I earn a third of his wage again, but vol sector so still not big bucks. I do all the life admin, school runs, arranging appointments for us all + dog, almost 100% of cooking, organising childcare for summer hols, yada yada. I live hundreds of miles from family and old friend. I've actively tried to make new friends but rurality / young child / pandemic / work makes it hard. Life feels pretty thankless and joyless sometimes (accepting DS, who is a delight).

We are about to go away on our first foreign holiday in 8 years. I've paid for it, organised it. We're touring France in our van so quite a lot of organising - not a straight forward package hol. DH has been doing up the camper, slowly, for months. Peaks of activity when I've pushed but otherwise slow progress. He finished the "fun" bits last month so I've been doing all the details - finishing off woodwork, sanding, priming, painting, curtains, bedding. I've been getting up at 6.30, walking the dog, doing the school run, working all day and doing the van all evening until 11pm.

The other day I did this for the fourth day on the trot. He had had the day off (felt rough) and cooked that night. When I got in from working outside the dishes were waiting for me. I raised an eyebrow. "I cooked. You do the dishes. That's the rule". It's true, he refuses to have a dishwasher so, after I pick DS up, come in and cook, he usually does the dishes.

Today I discovered that van (his van, in his name, he uses for work. I have my own car for work) has had no MOT since April. He forgot. That's illegal. His work isn't office based so who had to organise an emergency MOT? You guessed it. He has decided, against my strongly expressed wishes, to keep driving it for the few days in the meantime. Irresponsible, selfish (criminal) arse.

He has decided to go away this weekend with his mates. We leave for our supposed family holiday (assuming the van passes its MOT) a week tomorrow. I now have to work, finish the van and look after DS single handed over the weekend, and prepare for our holiday. At the same time, my work is reaching its apex in getting a project off the ground. I have three new staff starting the week after we get back. It feels like a lot.

I politely, and then slightly less politely, articulated this. I said I'm already holding a lot, and DH being absent the weekend before we go away when there's so much to do is unfair and unhelpful. I've been told I'm being dramatic, he doesn't see the problem and its "not that hard".

He also said "I dont have the energy to listen to your needs all the time", and I need to "find someone else to offload to who has the energy to care".

Fine. It feels like a slap in the face and the last straw. I'd quite like to go on holiday without him now tbh. Am I being unreasonable to think I can find someone who "cares" about me, my life, all of this, but that might have consequences for our marriage?

And how the hell do I get through this long awaited, hard worked for "holiday"?

Hi OP,

My heart goes out to you. This is shocking. Were things always like this?

I love your response to pp by the way about not having to decide. I find these sort of posters enraging "what are you going to do about it?" You are at this stage just sorting through your thoughts on the matter FFS.

So look, one thing is clear; this can't go on. You're not satisfied with life. It's all humdrum for you and escapism from family life and responsibilities for him. You say he's living his life exactly how he wants it but is that true? You are certainly not but his comment would suggest he's frustrated with your inability to make yourself happy.

It's hard to know if he's a complete and utter ass or if you're two people who have stopped hearing each other.

If you decided to split absolutely nobody would blame you, you have an entire thread of women (myself included) cheering you on. Go out there and grab the life you want. You sound amazing and would be absolutely fine.

It's also absolutely fine to acknowledge that this isn't working and want to change it within the marriage. It's hard to talk about things when emotions are running high and everyone is exhausted.

How long is the holiday? Maybe when you're a couple of days in and more relaxed ask him how he is, tell him you want things to be different that this isn't the life you dreamed of, what about him etc? Talk, listen. If he's non responsive decide there and then you're done.

If he is responsive there are four things you need to do immediately.

Organise therapy
Sort the finances so they are fair and you have control of your own money
Buy a dishwasher and assign tasks fairly
Take turns for weekends off.

These things are absolutely non negotiable and without them you don't have a prayer.

I'll say again that if you decide to separate or go on the holiday alone, we are all behind you.

Good luck whatever you decide. But this can't go on. You matter.

Fucking hell. I thought it was bad until I read that but now …

For the love of God leave. But not before you’ve discussed and recorded the contents of that account to which you have no access. This is one of the worst men I’ve read about here and that’s saying a lot.

@Hehasasecretfriend this is excellent, level headed, practical and realistic advice. Thank you.

OP what do you want? I can tell you now your husband wants this life to continue as it suits him perfectly.

My instinct is telling you to LTB, but it is never that easy is it?

I think you need to figure out what you want for yourself now, a couple of years down the line and then for the long term. Figure out if that means leaving or staying but know that things will have to change at some point.

I would definitely be getting my ‘ducks in a row’ just so you know where you stand before you make any big decisions.

Keep posting on here, you will get lots of support from those who have been in your position.

It does sound pretty deliberate to me, but in situations similar to this, I have found it really helpful to point out the problem to the other person, tell them what you think should happen to make it fairer, and then sit back and watch the reaction. On one occasion, it really wasn't deliberate, and the problem was solved. In others, it became clear that the unfairness was a feature, not a bug.

I suspect it won't be horror and mortification that he has been treating you so badly, and an immediate transfer to even it all out. But once you have given him the chance, you will know for sure and I think it is mentally easier to leave a relationship (if that's what you decide) when you know for sure that you have tried to sort your problems out, and you have killed the nagging voice that tells you he doesn't mean it, he just doesn't think.

Agree With all Pp’s suggesting you get half of the savings into an account in your own name asap and see the full balance. It HAS to be 50:50. Although it sounds too late to me really and his behaviour is abusive- I’m not convinced it’s worth working on improving the situation because reality is you’re better off without him. You talk about him being a great dad etc but from another angle, the example he is setting for your son is a disaster. Actually I think it’s a better example to show him that relationships are about fairness and partnerships- not one person being taken advantage of and the other person steadfastly refusing to compromise.
OP you don’t need an excuse to break free from any relationship. You owe him nothing. Can you think what you might say to a friend who told you this was her reality? Be your own best friend. Please reach for the light 💡go on holiday with your son and enjoy yourselves xxxxx

This is so painful to read, the money stuff especially.

You are NOT bad with money. At all. He is STEALING from you and keeping it for himself.

If you sat him down tonight and said from now on the JA is for bills only, 50/50 split transfer from each of you what would his reply be? Because that will tell you all you need to know.

You will honestly be so much better off on your own (especially financially)

I totally agree this is a complicated situation and needs thought, and you sound like you've woken up to the need for real change OP.
I know what I'd do TODAY if I were you. Order a dishwasher and TELL him when it's coming and where it's going in the kitchen. This would be a massive signal to him that you're taking control of things and not going along with it all any more. The balance of power would immediately shift, and his response will tell you a lot about his level of resistance to change.
Very best of luck. You have the strength for this battle, whichever way you decide to take it.

Me too! Bloody hell OP, make changes, my love.

My main question is WHY no dishwasher? I mean ...

More seriously without having RTFT, your situation reminds me a bit of a friend's - they got through this patch with therapy for him, plus talking to each other, her finding a lot of friends and outside interests in her new area (admittedly a town so not so isolated). I don't think this is LTB quite yet but it's certainly time for a big reevaluation. Good luck, OP, I feel for you

Go with your son without him and he if whines, tell him to find someone else to listen to him to whine.

No way could I stay with someone that selfish. In fact I'd start being selfish for once and move back him, the cheeky twat!

Good grief OP, have just read all your posts.

I'd say the first priority is to suggest a joint account for the joint savings, and see where that gets you. I don't think you need to do anything else for him to show you clearly whether he's hoarding all your money for himself, or whether it's something he's not really thought about.

From everything else you've said, I'd put money on this being a what's mine is mine, what's ours is mine and what's yours is mine situation.

Meanwhile, stop transferring money, only put in the minimum for bills, and start your own savings. Then buy a dishwasher.

You do need to RTFT.

OP is being financially abused.

OP he won't change. Your DS is getting older and require more financially, things your husband will not agree to, your lifestyle will need to reduce to fund that or your DS will need to go without. Your DS is at an age where he will see more. Your husband will tell your DS he cannot have this or that, whilst he will see your husband treating himself. Your only decision really is how long you want to inflict this on your DS.

If there is regularly money left in the account for him to knick, you are putting too much in. Does her review spending from your own account? You are obviously not doing it with his.

I don't think you should do anything rash about the holiday or straight after other than stop funding his bank account. If you do decide to leave him he could use regular deposits from you as evidence that you need to give him maintenance if he went for 50-50 with DC.

I hope you can work this out with him and he will see the errors of his ways. I just don't know if a situation where anyone who is as controlled as this has suddenly managed to make a healthy partnership out of it (that has lasted more than 2 weeks).

Op your reply to this post reminds me of my mom’s choices over the years. I want to make clear that I’m really not trying to tell you what to do, it’s just my mom was (and still kind of is) in the same situation as you are now for over 3 decades, and it was the indecisive and conflict avoiding attitude that caused the most pain.

if you are leaning towards staying, no one will judge you for it as it is your own choice to make and it needs to be respected by people. But this would mean that you need to hear very different things than what people are saying here now. You need to be recognised and praised for your effort put in this marriage (rather than being told it’s wrong and enabling) and to be told that your h is a good person and can change, you just need to do this and that and he’s eventually going to come around and you will have this perfect family that you deserve. You need to be given this hope if deep down inside you want to stay, too much reality checks will hurt you even more.

for over 30 years my mom moaned and cried about my selfish dad, people had given her harsh reality checks, even I told her to leave since I was a teenager. but eventually I realized that she just wanted to be recognised by someone as my dad never appreciated her, she wanted to hear it from someone that she’s been doing more than enough, that it’s not her fault. The other thing that she really wanted to hear is that her situation isn’t the worst, my dad at least didn’t beat her, he sometimes made dinner for himself and saved a corner for her, there was this one time she said she needed this little thing and he went and got it from the shop and didn’t even ask for the money back etc. etc.. she needed hope, people who decide to stay need hope, not a reality check.

You aren't compatible at all as life partners. No way. You're an organised person - a planner. You got yourself a chilled man - a free-wheeler. That comes with big risks. They are only fun when they get their own way, aren't they?
It was never going to work you moving to his area. He will always have the advantage in every way over you and there will never be balance. If you leave him, he still has all his friends in place. Even then, you aren't compatible. You need a partner with your values, aims and ambitions. He does not share them. He wants to freewheel and chill and gets pissed off if you pull him up on anything - yes? You don't want another 20 years of this, so perhaps have a really good think. He'll never pull his weight with the housework etc by the way. I've been there, as you can probably tell.

I understand that but what is HIS objection to a dishwasher?

@ChristinaAlber since he wants OP to make her clothes instead of buying them and cut their own hair instead of going to a hairdresser I'm going to bet a dishwasher is exactly the sort of thing he paints as unnecessary, frivolous and poor spending to the OP.

Why buy a dishwasher when he has her?

Some people just don't like dishwashers you know! My DH didn't like microwaves and resisted me getting one. For a long time I wasn't bothered, then I decided I really did want one, told him, and he rolled over and we had one within the week. And now he sees the advantages. But if I hadn't said I really wanted one he'd have lived his whole life 'not wanting or liking' microwaves.

Some of it is just if you haven't grown up with a thing. Plus not wanting to pay for power on something that can be done without it (obviously doesn't apply to microwaves).

@ChristinaAlber - his objection to the dishwasher is basically because he is mean tight and stingy. He doesn’t want to pay for one and pay to run one. That’s basically it. He is just your everyday stereotypical tight selfish git.

@AppelationStation - you are completely correct. Your H’s actions will have consequences. I find it very hard to understand why you think he is “fundamentally kind”. In what way? He refuses to buy shoes for his child. He refuses to pay for haircuts for his child. He refuses to buy clothes for his child. He refuses to listen to you. He steals money from you. How is any of that kind?

What a selfish prick. You sound like a highly competent woman who is being massively taken advantage of. I bet he can’t believe his luck.

"I dont have the energy to listen to your needs all the time", and I need to "find someone else to offload to who has the energy to care"

Brutal. I couldn’t come back from those comments.

He doesn't need one - op is the dishwasher, haircutter, dressmaker .... if she hangs around long enough she will be the nurse with a purse.

You are getting nothing out this relationship at all and I think you should leave move home and rebuild your life don’t look back in 20 years and be filled with regret that you spent the last 20 years of your life being a doormat and a servant. This man sounds awful and you deserve better