Page 7 | DS hit me - WIBU to ask him to leave

samcloudq · 2023-07-13T14:55:28+00:00

I feel like I've failed somehow. DS is 15, birthday is Sunday. Just before the start of his GCSEs he announced he wasn't going to be doing them, said they were pointless and he didn't want to go to college so it didn't matter, I also found out he’d been smoking weed at weekends. I tried to persuade him to go and do them but he still refused and didn't go in and sit any of them, the school weren't very helpful. I've asked him if he's depressed and have asked him to go to the GP which he's refused to do. All he's been doing is gaming and going out and drinking, and occasionally smoking too. He’s recently started speaking to me with an attitude and being disrespectful, he hit me a few weeks ago and I said if he does that or anything violent/disrespectful again I will take his devices off of him. Last night, I turned the WIFI box off at about midnight as he's been staying up very late and not waking until 1/2pm in the afternoon, he came downstairs asking why I'd turned it off and I explained which led to him shouting and he hit me again. I took his devices today and as I was he pushed me and told me to fuck off and get out of his room. WIBU to ask him to leave?

Sunsetandsunrise · 13/07/2023 20:44

Rebellious kids that was meant to say

Dullardmullard · 13/07/2023 21:02

Sunsetandsunrise · 13/07/2023 20:43

To follow on from my previous post and to agree with pp - some compassion is needed.

It’s important to say if you step up to take care of a non-blood related child you’ve essentially accepted the role as a parent so it’s not so easy to abruptly wash your hands of the situation. Personally as a single woman I’d never accept the responsibility of raising a boy alone (unless I gave birth to him ) or he was a relative of some sort because of this very situation. There was one kid (a 9 year old boy) I did want to foster him but it didn’t work out and I was heartbroken but with hindsight I can see it was for the best that I wasn’t able to become a foster carer st the time .

But as I said , if you are someone who has chosen to do take on that responsibility and assume the role of mother by letting taken calling you mum and depend on you well you basically need to act like a bio mum would.

i used to work in social services and it was horrendous the amount of adoptive parents who were throwing their rebellious away like they were rubbish and justifying it by “they’re not blood anyway” I know this is not the exact same situation but it just reminded me of it due to peoples comments and there are similarities in that he was allowed to call OP mum.

In the council I worked in 1 in 4 foster care kids were from adopted families!

TLDR : if you can’t give a non-bio kid as much grace and patience as you would your own child don’t bother assuming the role of parent to begin with.

I’ve been through SS as a foster parent and it’s end of tether for giving up and not he or she’s not blood anyways ffs. Have you been in someone’s house when a teenager decides to smash furniture screaming at them because they’ve been told no and saying they have you done for abusing them.

foster kids know how to be gits and the SW take them to Mc Donald’s instead of sanctions and consequences. Saying they are misunderstood no they have been asked a mundane thing like washing please or can you pop that in the dishwasher. Background of these kids are fucking horrendous but the foster parent is to put up with this crap daily. They need specialist help for trauma and counselling hahaha that’s a joke in the SW department

They know we can’t do Jack shit about it. SW didn’t damn well help at all they made it worse more so with aging out teens.

Dullardmullard · 13/07/2023 21:02

Forgot your last comment that’s just fucking nasty

ButterCrackers · 13/07/2023 21:13

His bio mum has tried to get back into his life. If you have her phone number/contact details call her and say that she has to collect her son right away. She lives abroad so it might take a few days. If she can’t collect him call his dad and tell him to be at yours to take his son back to his place to live. If the parents can’t be bothered then tell them that you’re handing their child over to social services. You don’t have to put with this child causing you fear and violence and illegal drugs.

Cosyblankets · 13/07/2023 21:14

AppleKatie · 13/07/2023 19:32

I would tell him very calmly and clearly that when he wants safety, education, to be drug free and build a responsible future then you will be ready and waiting with open arms but until then you want him gone from your house and living with one of his actual parents because you are not prepared to be hit by a man in your home.

then I would get him out.

Also surely he is 16 if he was supposed to sit his GCSEs this summer?

He could be 16 as late as end of August

hiding5675687 · 13/07/2023 21:15

Look for MH support for him. Depending what sort he is using, 'weed' can be dangerous - the stuff with high THC levels.

AppleKatie · 13/07/2023 21:27

He could be 16 as late as end of August

he could be but the OP says his birthday is Sunday. I took that to mean his 15th birthday but now I see she prob meant 16 on Sunday.

in which case a lot of the advice relating to ‘a 15 year old’ is going rapidly out of date and it’s an age that makes a difference in cases like this with the legalities/authorities etc.

MissyB1 · 13/07/2023 21:36

Babsexxx · 13/07/2023 17:16

Send him to his dad.

I did this 👆 I wasn’t being hit but there was weed and my ds was stealing to find his habit.
Going to his Dad’s (2 hours away)helped him “reset”. He got off the weed and went to college.
Came back to live with me when he had got qualifications and a job.

jannier · 13/07/2023 21:40

It's possible he's fallen in with a gang look at county lines and prevent.

Blobblobblob · 13/07/2023 21:40

Thinking it over, calling him a little shit probably was a bit harsh so I do take that back. However..
He's well on his way to becoming a fully fledged domestic abuser if some immediate changes aren't made.

As other posters have pointed out, a 15yo boy has the size and strength of a grown man, meaning he could easily overpower and kill her, if he really lost it. He's been violent twice now. That's a very serious concern.

His main reason for being with her is done, and she's done more than she's obliged to do. She's at risk of injury or worse in her own home.

Yes this kid needs help but he really does need consequences, and frankly the OPs safety is the primary concern here.

Naunet · 14/07/2023 08:04

if you can’t give a non-bio kid as much grace and patience as you would your own child don’t bother assuming the role of parent to begin with.

How dare you! This is a disgusting thing to say to OP. How about aiming that comment on his actual fucking parents, one of which only lives 3 miles away. Why should even a bio mum accept being hit when the father could step in and do some actual parenting? OP did an amazing thing for this kid, but he’s overstepped a line now and there’s no way she should have to live with the constant threat of violence.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 14/07/2023 08:09

Ring the police and report the assault.
His parents need to step up. Get him out of your house. This will only escalate.

Ring the police!

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 14/07/2023 08:10

Naunet · 14/07/2023 08:04

if you can’t give a non-bio kid as much grace and patience as you would your own child don’t bother assuming the role of parent to begin with.

How dare you! This is a disgusting thing to say to OP. How about aiming that comment on his actual fucking parents, one of which only lives 3 miles away. Why should even a bio mum accept being hit when the father could step in and do some actual parenting? OP did an amazing thing for this kid, but he’s overstepped a line now and there’s no way she should have to live with the constant threat of violence.

Bless you Naunet for sticking up for stepmothers. It is pointless though. Always more expected of them than the child's actual parents.

Beachhutnut · 14/07/2023 08:20

This is a cry for help from him op. Don't ignore it. Yes police. Get his Dad inside too. Explain he is using money for weed and it needs to stop. Explain he hit you. Tell his Dad he needs to back you up. Certainly have a conversation telling him he can't treat you like that.

OhNoOhNo · 14/07/2023 08:27

OP, call the police, it might be the wake up call he needs. I wish my mum had done this on my brother, he is now in his 40s, still living at home and bullies my mother.

Or send him back to his dad’s. The moment a male hits you is the moment where he loses the right to live in your home.

Dullardmullard · 14/07/2023 08:33

Beachhutnut · 14/07/2023 08:20

This is a cry for help from him op. Don't ignore it. Yes police. Get his Dad inside too. Explain he is using money for weed and it needs to stop. Explain he hit you. Tell his Dad he needs to back you up. Certainly have a conversation telling him he can't treat you like that.

She’s told his dad and he doesn’t care

goosebumps · 14/07/2023 08:53

He hits you, he has two parents - and you're not one of them!! 100% get his dad to collect him or take him there. Sad as it is if you've brought him up, he's not your responsibility and he's violent and unpleasant to you. Get him to his dad's and start enjoying your life.

Giggorata · 14/07/2023 08:56

Following the extra info since my post, I agree with goosebumps.
You are not the responsible parent, his father (or mother) is.

RedHelenB · 14/07/2023 08:58

LakeTiticaca · 13/07/2023 16:22

Weed. You know that stuff that everyone says is harmless?

Show quote history

But why did he start taking it? Half my dc friends are taking drugs but they are going to school and doing exams. And plan on going to college.So what happened to make him not so his exams?

RedHelenB · 14/07/2023 09:02

samcloudq · 13/07/2023 19:07

I did tell his dad about the drugs but he said that's what boys his age do and wasn't very supportive. They do message but DS hasn't seen him for a while, he gives DS the money via DS messaging and asking, I had no idea until I asked where the money was coming from.

Don't mean to drip feed but I'm not his bio mum, he was living full time with his dad when I met them as his bio mum was living abroad, she has since tried to get back into his life but DS has refused. The reason he's living with me still is because when his dad was moving away he chose to stay with me as he was settled at school and had friends but he does call me mum.

He wants to be a gamer and stream it live on twitch which he doesn't need GCSEs for but he wouldn't listen when I said it might not work out, be there forever etc.

If he's not your child that may well explain his attitude problem. You're not kicking him out you're sending them back to their dads.

BillyBraggisnotmylover · 14/07/2023 09:03

These situations aren’t as rare as people think, it’s why there is guidance on private fostering.

You would not be unreasonable to send him to his dad now school is finished OP. But if you decide he should stay with you I would contact your local authority and explain you’re in a private fostering arrangement that needs some support. You’re likely to be quite far down the priority list but a social worker should still come out to speak to you and him.

Dullardmullard · 14/07/2023 09:40

BillyBraggisnotmylover · 14/07/2023 09:03

These situations aren’t as rare as people think, it’s why there is guidance on private fostering.

You would not be unreasonable to send him to his dad now school is finished OP. But if you decide he should stay with you I would contact your local authority and explain you’re in a private fostering arrangement that needs some support. You’re likely to be quite far down the priority list but a social worker should still come out to speak to you and him.

Private foster arrangement no she ain’t she’s his step mother with no PR unless it went to court which I highly doubt.

as for a social worker coming out to chat not a hope in hell will that happen.

Anonymouseposter · 14/07/2023 09:42

I would speak honestly to his Dad and say that you’re extremely worried that he’s going down a bad path and also you can’t do this any longer because he’s stronger than you, aggressive towards you and you aren’t safe. I would tell his Dad that he really needs a strong male influence and he needs to step up for a few years. His biological parents need to communicate with each other and come up with a plan. I would tell his father that if he doesn’t come and arrange to take him you will have to involve social services, who will go immediately to the biological parents anyway. Once you know what’s happening I would also tell the boy that you care about him and are worried about how his life is going but you can’t help him while he’s hitting you and not respecting you. Weed sounds like a big factor but he’s also taking his anger over other stuff out on you. If he goes to his Dad keep contact with him, he’s had enough rejection.

BillyBraggisnotmylover · 14/07/2023 09:49

Dullardmullard · 14/07/2023 09:40

Private foster arrangement no she ain’t she’s his step mother with no PR unless it went to court which I highly doubt.

as for a social worker coming out to chat not a hope in hell will that happen.

Show quote history

If they weren’t married then she’s not a step parent.

However i’ve just noticed he’s 16 on Sunday and private fostering would come to an end, so probably not a route for you anyway OP.

cyncope · 14/07/2023 09:57

Pack up his stuff and take him to his dad's.
Dad's turn to be a parent.

You shouldn't be living in fear of violence in your own home.