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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS hit me - WIBU to ask him to leave

187 replies

samcloudq · 13/07/2023 15:55

I feel like I've failed somehow. DS is 15, birthday is Sunday. Just before the start of his GCSEs he announced he wasn't going to be doing them, said they were pointless and he didn't want to go to college so it didn't matter, I also found out he’d been smoking weed at weekends.

I tried to persuade him to go and do them but he still refused and didn't go in and sit any of them, the school weren't very helpful. I've asked him if he's depressed and have asked him to go to the GP which he's refused to do. All he's been doing is gaming and going out and drinking, and occasionally smoking too. He’s recently started speaking to me with an attitude and being disrespectful, he hit me a few weeks ago and I said if he does that or anything violent/disrespectful again I will take his devices off of him. Last night, I turned the WIFI box off at about midnight as he's been staying up very late and not waking until 1/2pm in the afternoon, he came downstairs asking why I'd turned it off and I explained which led to him shouting and he hit me again. I took his devices today and as I was he pushed me and told me to fuck off and get out of his room.

WIBU to ask him to leave?

OP posts:
Blankscreen · 13/07/2023 17:44

I suspect this has been a long time coming and he has pushed the boundaries over the years and got away with it.

I don't really know how you get back from the point you are now at to one where he respects you.

He is probably bigger and stronger than you and probably knows it. Sometimes teenage boys need a stronger more dominant male model to keep/put them in their place.

I think that I would get in contact with his dad and say he needs to is go and live with him.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 13/07/2023 17:46

OP, you have a right to live a live free of violence, if that means throwing him out, so be it. He is 15, therefore he is the size and strength to do you real harm. He is over and above old enough to know that violence is wrong.

At the very least report him to police and self refer to social services, keeping his actions under the radar will help no one.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 13/07/2023 17:46

*live a life, sorry!

nobodysdaughternow · 13/07/2023 17:47

He has physically assaulted you three times op - hit you twice and pushed you once.

This is well beyond taking his Xbox and pocket money.

He is a danger to you and his behaviour means you have no control over him. He has transformed your relationship from mother and son, to victim and perpetrator.

Call the Police and ask for a social services referral. Your safety is your first priority.

In the meantime, withdraw from parenting - ie: trying to make him engage with school or playing late on his Xbox.

Tell SS that you would like to find a temporary placement for him.

Siameasy · 13/07/2023 17:48

Call the police if he hits you. They will automatically refer to social services. It’s cruel to be kind.

nobodysdaughternow · 13/07/2023 17:51

If it helps, think about how differently people would respond if your son was doing this with a partner. They wouldn't suggest she should try and control his behaviour, they would say she should leave him.

If your son was 10 my advice would be different, but your son is 15 and it is way too late to start employing measures. The control is gone and he doesn't respect anything or anybody.

He is aa walking timebomb.

CovertImage · 13/07/2023 17:52

LightSpeeds · 13/07/2023 16:53

What, when he's already started being violent towards her? 🙄

Show quote history

Well yeah. People on here are suggesting she doubles down when he’s already hit her twice when she tried to show him who’s boss. There’s apparently no end to the shit and violence that women have to suffer! “But where would he go?!”

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/07/2023 17:55

Yes send him to his dads

Jackrussellmansion · 13/07/2023 17:55

OP, you are not alone, in addition to the above advice (definitely call the police) there us a support service called PEGS for parents who are being abused by their children. This is Domestic abuse, there is help for you.

WellPlaced · 13/07/2023 17:57

kids need your love & attention the most when they deserve it least.

he’s scared, he’s reacting in the only way he knows how.

Doteycat · 13/07/2023 17:57

Can you get a NVR programme anywhere that would help you?
Its Non Violent resistance and its geared towards parents exactly like you.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 13/07/2023 17:57

Well yeah. People on here are suggesting she doubles down when he’s already hit her twice when she tried to show him who’s boss. There’s apparently no end to the shit and violence that women have to suffer! “But where would he go?!”

I know, just like there is no going back from a partner or spouse turning violent, I can't see any way back from a person that age hitting thier mother, he has crossed a line twice that should never have been crossed.

FuppingEll · 13/07/2023 17:59

You are his parent(and it sounds like his only one) so you need to parent. You can't just chuck them out when the going gets tough. It doesn't work that way. Look into support services for you and your son but don't give up on him.

Dullardmullard · 13/07/2023 17:59

Call the police and report to ss

that will achieve nothing as he’s nearly 16

mum will have to have him charged and they don’t do stern talkings too these days Christ it takes them days to actually come out for things. Referral to SS not always is this done either.

dad is funding him well he goes to dads then as he’s funding it all.

respite care for a violent teen yeah ok respite care is like hens teeth and not ready available like folks think.

Ericaequites · 13/07/2023 18:01

Finding work and returning to education in the fall are conditions for staying at your place. You may need to do the groundwork to find an appropriate place. Pot kills motivation.

Doteycat · 13/07/2023 18:02

nobodysdaughternow · 13/07/2023 17:51

If it helps, think about how differently people would respond if your son was doing this with a partner. They wouldn't suggest she should try and control his behaviour, they would say she should leave him.

If your son was 10 my advice would be different, but your son is 15 and it is way too late to start employing measures. The control is gone and he doesn't respect anything or anybody.

He is aa walking timebomb.

its SO NOT way too late. not in the slightest.
15 is peak BS time for this kind of behaviour and its entirely possible to turn it around now.
What wont turn it around, is washing your hands of him and saying ah its too late now. You could not be more wrong.

FuppingEll · 13/07/2023 18:03

CovertImage · 13/07/2023 17:52

Well yeah. People on here are suggesting she doubles down when he’s already hit her twice when she tried to show him who’s boss. There’s apparently no end to the shit and violence that women have to suffer! “But where would he go?!”

Show quote history

He is her child ffs. She created him and moulded him into what he is today, you can't just say nah I don't like the results and fuck your child out. He is her responsibility, he is a minor, her child who needs love and care. Wtf is wrong with people here? The answer to everything is fuck them out on the street or go no contact. She needs to take responsibility here, she is responsible for her child.

Anxioys · 13/07/2023 18:03

Call the police, and then send him to his dad's. His little dodgy friends will at least be far away.

If you don't do this, he's coming home in a foul mood and knows he can hit you. If you were a stranger he would be in serious trouble. This is your house, and your safety is at stake

StellaJohanna · 13/07/2023 18:04

nobodysdaughternow · 13/07/2023 17:51

If it helps, think about how differently people would respond if your son was doing this with a partner. They wouldn't suggest she should try and control his behaviour, they would say she should leave him.

If your son was 10 my advice would be different, but your son is 15 and it is way too late to start employing measures. The control is gone and he doesn't respect anything or anybody.

He is aa walking timebomb.

Exactly this. The time for ultimatums/taking his stuff away is gone. He is abusing cannabis (and it won't only be that - guaranteed), not doing exams, and being violent to you and does not respect your authority. He knows you can't beat him in a fight - to put it bluntly - so he will do what he wants to you. He needs to go to his father's or into "care". If he has had no father figure, he will go out and find role models of his own. That is how gangs form. Most of them have no involved father. His Dad must take charge of him now. It's disgusting how men can just bow out of their children's lives - especially teenage sons!

Createausername1970 · 13/07/2023 18:04

I went through this, but DS was about 14/15. It was weed at the root of it all. He wasn't in school at the time.

I would not take the Xbox and I would not take the door off his room.

What you want to achieve is getting your DS back on track, and if you do either or both of those two things you will probably make him choose to go out and stay out, probably getting into more trouble.

DS was not violent to us, but we did get sworn at. I did tell him quite clearly that if he hurt me or DH would call the police. I also told him that I wasn't a cafe, and as he wasn't coming back for dinner or letting me know what was happening, then I wouldn't be cooking for him or running round doing his washing etc. I made it clear I did not like how he was behaving .

So for about 4 weeks I left him to get on with it. I made sure there was some food he could have - cereal, wholemeal bread etc. Filling and not sugary etc. If we occupied the same space I was chatty, I always asked him if he wanted a tea or a hot chocolate, I left a way back to normality. Usually he said no if I offered a drink etc., But one day he said "yes please" and a few moments later "sorry".

We did then manage to have a sensible conversation, I asked if he wanted dinner, he said "yes please" and suddenly my normal boy was back with us.

He was sorry and did want to make amends.

This was the outcome I wanted and I did my best to keep that in mind and not do anything provocative, despite being very tempted.

QuietDragon · 13/07/2023 18:06

I think sending him to live with his dad is absolutely acceptable OP.

Do you have any other children? You and they deserve to live without violence and fear.

BananaSpanner · 13/07/2023 18:08

Dullardmullard · 13/07/2023 17:59

Call the police and report to ss

that will achieve nothing as he’s nearly 16

mum will have to have him charged and they don’t do stern talkings too these days Christ it takes them days to actually come out for things. Referral to SS not always is this done either.

dad is funding him well he goes to dads then as he’s funding it all.

respite care for a violent teen yeah ok respite care is like hens teeth and not ready available like folks think.

Totally this.
Police will arrest and then release him when mum won’t support a prosecution or just not arrest him at all because mum won’t support a prosecution.
Children’s services won’t involve themselves enough because ultimately the child is safe and they don’t have the budgets to put every violent team in care.

Theres no easy answer to this situation and it’s not that uncommon. Getting him to go and stay with dad is probably the best idea although how to make him go isn’t that easy either.
You should still self refer to children’s services though to get all the help you can. And obviously call police if you need assistance but there is no magic wand to be waved.

Anxioys · 13/07/2023 18:08

Btw weed may not help but testosterone is one hell of a drug. Weed may make him apathetic about you but it does not make him violent. You are just being regarded as getting in the way of what he wants, and the hitting is because he has no respect.

That's an attitude, not a bit of weed.

Doteycat · 13/07/2023 18:09

@Createausername1970 What you describe is the essence of the NVR programme. Its about turing this behaviour around. It takes ENDLESS patience and resolve and determination but its worth it.
I have a dd in college as a result of it, she was 18 when we implemented it and shes the absolute best thing ever now. Studying to be a child pshycologist.

Please try investigate it.

oi0Y0io · 13/07/2023 18:10

Sometimes teenage boys need a stronger more dominant male model to keep/put them in their place
I agree, but it needs to be a calm man who can keep control of the situation without losing his temper. Boys need good male role models, men who are truly strong are able to stay in control of their tempers, good decent family men.
Sounds like his father has no time for him but just sends him money to assuage his guilt.