DS hit me - WIBU to ask him to leave

[samcloudq]

I feel like I've failed somehow. DS is 15, birthday is Sunday. Just before the start of his GCSEs he announced he wasn't going to be doing them, said they were pointless and he didn't want to go to college so it didn't matter, I also found out he’d been smoking weed at weekends.

I tried to persuade him to go and do them but he still refused and didn't go in and sit any of them, the school weren't very helpful. I've asked him if he's depressed and have asked him to go to the GP which he's refused to do. All he's been doing is gaming and going out and drinking, and occasionally smoking too. He’s recently started speaking to me with an attitude and being disrespectful, he hit me a few weeks ago and I said if he does that or anything violent/disrespectful again I will take his devices off of him. Last night, I turned the WIFI box off at about midnight as he's been staying up very late and not waking until 1/2pm in the afternoon, he came downstairs asking why I'd turned it off and I explained which led to him shouting and he hit me again. I took his devices today and as I was he pushed me and told me to fuck off and get out of his room.

WIBU to ask him to leave?

trip the switch .WHO else is on radar?

Praise for slapping his mum around! And shopping trips in return for violence! Yeah that’ll teach him that society has zero tolerance for domestic abuse. I’ve heard it all now. Police, OP. You’ll be doing him a favour.

wait???15.hes your responsibility. aye you would be unreasonable "asking him to leave" your his mum.yes he has absolutely overstepped the mark..."ask him to leave"no.remove choice.if thats how it is call social services and sign him over to them.doesnt in anyway guarantee he will change. or you will sleep well.

100% call the police either now and or next time.
im a single mum and have had to do this - it stopped the behaviour and we’ve worked together on strategies to stop it escalating and happening again.

You have to call the police and get third party involvement to he knows you mean business and that it’s a serious boundary that should never be crossed.

If you don’t involve the police now - he will do this in future to partners and then it will be even worse, so it helped me to reframe it as I was helping his future to ensure my son never does it to another person ever again.

In our town the police will do an informal home visit for a chat in this sort of situation.

Also please be aware if you’ve younger kids at home SS will look at them first not the violent teen.

This is how 15-year-olds end up on the street in the wrong hands. You raised him you deal with him.

Send him to his dad's for the summer at least. 3.5 hours is far enough away to break the cycle he has got into.

Why didn't he want to do the GCSEs? I think that's very unusual unless he was struggling at school and didn't think he could do them, weed and alcohol or not.

Are you sure it isn’t special constables doing that ?

Pleased you DD is back on track.

My DS is 21 now, has subsequently been diagnosed with Autism and anxiety. He was doing a lot of self harm around the time he went a bit feral as well. He is also not particularly academic either, recently had an S&L assessment and scored very low.

He gets PIP for daily living and we have self referred for a social care assessment.

His route through life is going to be somewhat different to how I imagined it would be, and he is still prone to poor decisions, but I am glad he is in my life and I am glad we didn't give up on him when he was heading downwards.

Sounds to me like weed happened. I had a similar thing with my teenager, the weed makes them lose all motivation. My teenager became quite abusive towards me too, he never hit me but he did smash up furniture, shout and swear at me, tell me what a terrible Mother I was.

I sympathise so much OP. I also think you should inform the police that he has hit you, show him that you won't tolerate violence, but you can't throw him out, he's way too young, you'd never forgive yourself if he ran into trouble, it's dangerous out there.

Sending hugs

I was thinking of sending him to his dads however he lives around 3.5 hours away and doesn’t see DS, although he is the one giving DS money whenever he asks.

Fair point that he doesn't see his DD but are they in touch when money goes from one to the other or does it go via yourself?

Due to your DS no longer being at school or having a job I wouldn't let it be a factor that he'd have to move 3.5 hours away.

This. I'm fed up with people thinking weed is harmless too. Seen so many people when I was young lose the plot and go off the rails and become totally addicted. Some of them were violent and one ended up in hospital with psychosis which he still suffers from to this day age 55.

Weed is a disaster if you are on your own and smoke it daily and frequently. Just like alcohol. Most people handle weed and alcohol moderately and are fine.

Ignore the substance, address the behaviour. Weed can disinhibit you but acting violently is not "caused" by it.

Where has he got the idea you can do any job without gcses? Very odd and extreme, even very low paid jobs require 3s I'd think. Any apprenticeship etc. I am assuming social services are involved if he is 15 and didn't go to his exams?

This.

Basic maths and English GCSEs are needed in pretty much every job going. Just out of interest, what is the job he wants to do??

Send him to his dads, hitting you is a red line. Hopefully it will also mean he doesn’t have immediate access to drugs.

Is his father or a male role model available? It's not very feminist of me but he may establish 'norms' where you cannot.

I would call the police.

I would call Child Protection Social Work.

I would call his school and speak to the Pastoral Lead.

I've complained to my mp and to camhs complaints team. Nothing made a difference. They act like they are untouchable.

Glad it went better for you.

I'd either send him to live with his Dad or ring the Police and report the assaults.

Don't do nothing.

FWIW I don't see this as any sort of teenage tantrum - better phrasing escapes me. Your son is old enough to have formed opinions about you as his mother, you as a woman and women in general. He is a male who has been violent towards a woman who is also his mother. I couldn't have my son under my roof after that.

That's absolutely disgusting he hit you.
Tell his dad to come and get him.

My two were little shits at the teenage years and got angry but never ever a hint of violence directed at me.

call The police next time. He needs to know that what he’s doing is illegal and has to stop. Right now he’s getting away with it

I've also just seen that his father lives a few hours away and sends him money. Call/text his dad and tell him exactly what his precious son has been doing, then pack DS' bag and either drive him yourself or get his dad to collect him. Or just buy a train ticket and his dad can meet him at the other end. It's unfair that you're putting up with this when his dad should also be sharing the responsibility. No one should feel unsafe in their own home. Before he leaves, I would also contact the police and inform them of what he did. Being faced with an actual police officer and made to face the consequences of his actions might just give him the kick up the backside he needs!

I think it is reasonable for you to ask him to move out - he would be under the care of social services. It is unacceptable what he has done to you. Most people have a a degree of fear of their parents including most dangerous criminals. People generally do not hit their parents, so when this happens, it is a big red flag. It appears your son needs some sort of specialist intervention. I think this sort of behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud before it escalates. If he can hit, you, it can indicate he has no qualms about hitting other people.