DS hit me - WIBU to ask him to leave

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I feel like I've failed somehow. DS is 15, birthday is Sunday. Just before the start of his GCSEs he announced he wasn't going to be doing them, said they were pointless and he didn't want to go to college so it didn't matter, I also found out he’d been smoking weed at weekends.

I tried to persuade him to go and do them but he still refused and didn't go in and sit any of them, the school weren't very helpful. I've asked him if he's depressed and have asked him to go to the GP which he's refused to do. All he's been doing is gaming and going out and drinking, and occasionally smoking too. He’s recently started speaking to me with an attitude and being disrespectful, he hit me a few weeks ago and I said if he does that or anything violent/disrespectful again I will take his devices off of him. Last night, I turned the WIFI box off at about midnight as he's been staying up very late and not waking until 1/2pm in the afternoon, he came downstairs asking why I'd turned it off and I explained which led to him shouting and he hit me again. I took his devices today and as I was he pushed me and told me to fuck off and get out of his room.

WIBU to ask him to leave?

There are plenty of posts in the Teenage section and the Parents of Adults section where weed has been the trigger for violence on a parent. Sometimes it is daughters but more often it is sons. Smoking weed on a daily basis decreases motivation, often resulting in problems/dropping out of school which leads to low self esteem, rows at home and frustration which unfortunately can lead to violence towards parents or property. Kids of 15/16/7/18 are too big to 'make' do anything ..even things like doctors or school which are in their own interests.
Their unacceptable behaviour, unlike anything they ever did before weed took, naturally results in disapproval at home, so they spend even more time with their weed smoking friends and it becomes a vicious circle. Someone up thread advised that you have to think about what you are aiming for when you try to deal with this and of course no one is aiming to drive them into closer union with disreputable friends. Having said all this I which I had as many answers. Obviously you can't put up with violence op and he needs to know you will call the police if it continues. Not much point in sanctions he won't comply with if he hasn't gone to school, lies in bed all day ext. I wouldn't be giving him money to spend on weed though ant money for other things would have to be earned in household help. Having to get out of bed to earn money for other things is a start at some motivation and if done well gives a chance to give a bit of genuine praise. I would not be taking the Xbox or other tech away though. I would want him in the house, away from bad influences as much as possible. If he has literally nothing to do at home it won't motivate him to stay around. Whatever you say about not going out, curfews ext he will go out anyway if his mates are offering free weed and, more importantly to Jim, endorsement and sympathy.
None of this means I would encourage putting up with violence and I wouldn't myself. It may be best if he spends some time with his father, you know best what type of influence he would have. Does he know what his son spends the money on he gives him? In any event aged 15 is by no means too late for a turn around. Good luck op. 💐

So you were with his dad at one point then you split up and he lived with you but his dad doesn’t see him? That’s a very odd situation.

Didn’t you ask the dad to visit etc? It shouldn’t be down to you to do so of course it’s the parents fault, but I’m just wondering how you kind of accepted this situation? Again it’s not your fault but you don’t need a crystal ball to see that this situation would mess up a kids head.

Anyway as it is he’s basically in unofficial foster care. Contact social services asap and see if they can either mediate if you want him to continue living with him or if not relocate him with one of his parents or alternatively with it’ll have to be a formal foster care placement with someone I guess.

Ask for SS now.
He needs to be supported early
Week fucks with your moods. Esp if it's skunk.
No way is that a harmless drug.

So you’re housing a violent, uneducated oaf with no employment prospects and he’s abusing you??!

Send him back to his dad. Your life will be infinitely better!!

Having seen your update, OP, I would tell him and his dad that you will be dropping him off with his stuff on a particular date and that is that. The alternative is you call the police and press charges for assault.

Let's face it, the current situation isn't working at all. He isn't sitting essential exams every other kid in the country sits. he is smoking weed. he is violent to you. Maybe he needs to know his actual parents will step up for him? Maybe he needs to learn that women do not tolerate violence. You aren't putting him on the streets. You are telling him to live with his father (who sounds spectacularly awful to be fair).

How long has his dad been gone?

He's sixteen obviously things have got out of hand but lets not write a 16 year old off 🙄

Pl3ase don't just abandon him to his feckless father get Social services involved and the police.
Don't expect a huge amount of support but this needs to go on record for any support to be put in place

There’s no need for an order when it’s with a close relative (step parent falls under the definition of this legally) but I can’t remember if she said they were married… if not and they didn’t get a CAO either then it isn’t a legal arrangement anyway and should’ve been assessed as a private fostering arrangement.

Why should OP risk being hit again when he isn’t even her child? His father needs to step up. Plus it’ll probably do him good to see his actual parent give a shit.

I would call social services and get him permanently removed from your home asap. Take him down to their office or the police station and leave him if they don't come for him. Get your locks changed. Of course let his dad know what is happening during the process.

It is up to them to decide if his dad can provide a suitable home, or if he goes into 16-17 yr olds' supported accommodation.

He has hit you twice. For the sake of every woman he comes into contact with in future, has has got to learn that violence is totally unacceptable and has severe consequences.
He HAS to have real consequences - he needs to lose his home over this violence.

And he is not your legal or biological responsibility.

Call the police then social services can't ignore it.

Oh OP, send him to one of his parents and get your life back. You have gone above and beyond what is required of a step parent, this isn't your problem to fix.

How on earth have you ended up looking after his child?

OP
This is very very hard
hitting you is a major boundary crosser

sounds like you are both suffering
and it also sounds like he has some major anxiety and upset going on

the one thing that helped me when it was this bad was non violent resistence theory (see YouTube and haim Omer)

Id also probably take some pressure off and keep him Mentally calm and healthy
GCSE can be taken again

when things are calmer you can discuss that a major major boundary was crossed

you are not alone in this

My advice didn’t factor in hes a step son
which explains a lot
parents clearly not good 😞

but it’s not fair you have to handle this alone

This thread is upsetting
yes his behaviour isn’t at all acceptable

but his mum deserted him , his dads palmed him off and now he’s probably bricking it about his GCSEs

op it’s appalling that he was violent and you need more support

if things were calmer would it be better
do you love him ? He calls you mum

I'd give his dad 48 hrs to come collect him or inform him you'll be involving social services to arrange alternative care for him. I would advise getting into a car with him, especially for that long of a journey, no doubt you'd end up arguing in en route which could end in disaster given his violent outbursts. I understand his feelings of rejection and how that may have impacted him and his behaviours, I understand that we often lash out at those closest to us but he's an almost full grown male acting violently towards you in your own home and it has the potential to escalate.

Do you have other children who are having to tolerate all of this too?

Social services will do nothing unless she dumps him on there doorstep and I’d like to know how she’ll do that as he’ll be taller and stronger than her.

SS don’t have the resources and neither do the police unless he is charged with a crime and then he’ll be bailed and he has a father where they’ll place him

first offence will be a fine only then if he does again it’ll still be a fine. Jails are bursting at the seams so if he does get a custodial it’ll be short term and a tag.

regardless if he’s your son or step son he goes to dads. And streaming yeah ok then

it’s time for dad to step up. What’s his mother saying about it all, you have contacted her

OP how are you feeling? My body would be in all sorts of stress response if I'd been hit and pushed in my home.

Is there anyone else living with you both.

I agree that it's time to start moving towards a new situation for your DSS.

Report him to the police for domestic violence. Seriously.

Isn't it just
The Op.clearly cares about him and he calls her mum obviously the situation can't continue but some posters are just callous .

Would you be able to tell him that everyone needs to feel safe in their own home - be clear that since he has hit you, pushed you, and is probably stronger than you, you dont feel safe with him there unless something changes. Tell him you love him, but that you cannot go on feeling unsafe in your own home, and.youre not going to just allow someone to assault you.

Tell him that whilst he lives with you, youre responsible for him- so just cannot let him go out drinking and smoking weed.
Ask him if HE can think of a solution other than he goes to live either at his Dads or his Mums house.

Make it clear that the punishment for hitting you would be police involvement, removing all his priviledges, etc - this isnt punishment, this is only consequences.

Some teenagers unfortunately are exactly that.

It sounds like quite a toxic situation for you to be in and I think you and him both need a break so I would speak to his father, explain the situation and that DS needs to come and spend time with him. He has hit you twice now and the only alternative option is to contact the Police for support who will likely refer to social services for support which may be helpful but can take some time.

To follow on from my previous post and to agree with pp - some compassion is needed.

It’s important to say if you step up to take care of a non-blood related child you’ve essentially accepted the role as a parent so it’s not so easy to abruptly wash your hands of the situation. Personally as a single woman I’d never accept the responsibility of raising a boy alone (unless I gave birth to him ) or he was a relative of some sort because of this very situation. There was one kid (a 9 year old boy) I did want to foster him but it didn’t work out and I was heartbroken but with hindsight I can see it was for the best that I wasn’t able to become a foster carer st the time .

But as I said , if you are someone who has chosen to do take on that responsibility and assume the role of mother by letting taken calling you mum and depend on you well you basically need to act like a bio mum would.

i used to work in social services and it was horrendous the amount of adoptive parents who were throwing their rebellious away like they were rubbish and justifying it by “they’re not blood anyway” I know this is not the exact same situation but it just reminded me of it due to peoples comments and there are similarities in that he was allowed to call OP mum.

In the council I worked in 1 in 4 foster care kids were from adopted families!

TLDR : if you can’t give a non-bio kid as much grace and patience as you would your own child don’t bother assuming the role of parent to begin with.