DS hit me - WIBU to ask him to leave

[samcloudq]

I feel like I've failed somehow. DS is 15, birthday is Sunday. Just before the start of his GCSEs he announced he wasn't going to be doing them, said they were pointless and he didn't want to go to college so it didn't matter, I also found out he’d been smoking weed at weekends.

I tried to persuade him to go and do them but he still refused and didn't go in and sit any of them, the school weren't very helpful. I've asked him if he's depressed and have asked him to go to the GP which he's refused to do. All he's been doing is gaming and going out and drinking, and occasionally smoking too. He’s recently started speaking to me with an attitude and being disrespectful, he hit me a few weeks ago and I said if he does that or anything violent/disrespectful again I will take his devices off of him. Last night, I turned the WIFI box off at about midnight as he's been staying up very late and not waking until 1/2pm in the afternoon, he came downstairs asking why I'd turned it off and I explained which led to him shouting and he hit me again. I took his devices today and as I was he pushed me and told me to fuck off and get out of his room.

WIBU to ask him to leave?

No, don't. That won't end well.

Please don't lock horns with him and punishments will only inflame the situation. Yes, tell him that violence is not acceptable and you will call the police if you need to.

When calm talk to him, show him you care and give him praise. Tell him you love him.

Can you spend positive time together, like shopping or going out for lunch or something.

What does his dad have to say?

YANBU to want him to leave but unfortunately due to his age if you kick him out without making sure he has somewhere to go you will be in trouble.

Where is he getting money to buy weed and drink? If it's pocket money then obviously stop.
Is his father in the picture at all? Can he stay there?
Any other family members that would take him?
I would strongly suggest to contact the police and let them know he has been physically violent and ask them for advice, make sure you phone them everytime he is violent again, make it a zero violence policy in your home, it's not OK.

Does he have a father figure? Any male lead in his family?
I just ask because they are, statiscally, more likely to stop being physical if a grown man calls them upon it, or poses a thread to them. He needs a male example to follow, I think.
I would try social services, community groups... before giving up on him.
Also, he cannot get weed if he does not have any money.
I would throw his devices in the bin or hide outside the house.
Report him to the police and let him face the consequences.

You can’t just abandon your child? You are legally responsible for him so your approach to tell him to leave is not going to work!

However feel free to March him to
your local SW office and advise them you will not be housing him any longer

That should kickstart a chain of events that may or may not help you both!

I assume his friends are providing him with drinks and drugs, since he's underage, and I assume you aren't giving him money?

I would find a moment when he's calm, and tell him that any form of violence is unacceptable, and that if he ever hits you again, you WILL call the police. I wouldn't punish him by taking away his Xbox. Like other posters have said, it's better he's safe indoors playing his games than out smoking and drinking with scum. You have to ask him what he intends to do without any qualifications, because you're not going to finance and house him for the rest of his life just for him to get high and play video games all day and night. Even the simplest jobs usually require GCSEs in English and maths. Either he works towards sitting his exams next year, or he starts actively looking for a job/apprenticeship somewhere. Or even just volunteer work to help build up his CV. If by 18, his behaviour has not improved, he has no qualifications and no job, then he has to leave your home. At least you would have tried your best to support him.

He didn't seem very keen on doing his GCSEs when he was picking his options but that was because he didn't know what he wanted to do, his behaviour was okay though, he would misbehave occasionally and have a bit of an attitude but he was never violent. He said he wasn't doing his GCSEs as he doesn't need them for the job he wants so they would be a waste of time etc.

I was thinking of sending him to his dads however he lives around 3.5 hours away and doesn’t see DS, although he is the one giving DS money whenever he asks.

Have you told his father what’s going on? Sounds like ultimatum time to me - if dad chooses to fund this lifestyle then he goes live with him. If son is willing to change then he can stay 🤷‍♀️

Well, tell his dad in a way you can prove you have done so, like email or text.
Say about the violence, not attending school and the drugs.
The father needs to stop giving him money, challenge him on his behaviour and talk to him about getting back to school.
If the father is useless, then stop contact with him. Close bank account he uses to give your son money. Have it recorded in case you need further help from SS or police.
Find a good role model for your DS.

I’d phone the police and let the little shit see where he’ll end up if he continues down that road.

I'd go with speaking to dad and then giving ds the option of moving.
What is it he wants to do for a job that requires no exam results? Would you be able to help him get into work? If he has some positive going on in his life i.e a job and earning even a part time job, he might well settle down a bit.
Leave the bedroom door well alone though.

I would refer yourself to social care - there is a whole process for this kind of circumstance with domestic violence committed by children to parents.

I don’t think you can ask him to leave as he is still a child, but I would get rid of all his gaming equipment (ask a friend to store it somewhere for you). I would also set some strict rules in terms of jobs around the house, enrolling in college/finding work, getting up in the mornings etc. easier said than done.

if dad/ extended family can support you, I’d enlist their help, so he knows the magnitude of his problems.

a good start would be a calm conversation, saying you love him and are so worried about the choices he’s making. Ask him what he’s unhappy about. Ask him what he needs. Sounds like he’s spiralling down - could he have been recruited into county lines?

you need to keep him close but be very firm about your expectations of him. Counter that with unwavering support and as much quality time as possible to keep him away from the crowd he’s with.

Send him to his dad.

Will.his Dad have him?
It might be a,solution for now ,and gets hi..a way from his friends
my be he could also look at local colleges ,where he do his maths and English and a,level one course ?

Op HuGs. I am so so sorry .

i think I’d drive him to his dads and explain that he wasn’t able to stay with me any longer as domestic violence is not acceptable and by him staying you are only showing him it’s okay to carry out DV.

or get his dad to collect him if you feel he will kick off .

zero tollerence. He is almost 16. You can’t stay in my house and behave this way.

The violence will get worse and you will end up scared in your own home. I’m sorry but it follows a Script. End this now xxxx

Yes

Sorry, but it doesn't matter if he's keen on them or not. He seems to think he has a choice in certain things when he doesn't. He's a child, and at his age it's a legal requirement to be at school. Just like it's a legal requirement to stay in education until he's 18, so he will need something to do in September that ticks this box.

There's lots of things in life we're not 'keen' on doing, but that doesn't mean we don't have to do them.

If possible, you need a calm, rational discussion with him. Tell him that you won't accept violence, and that he needs to stick to your house rules or other arrangements will need to be made. I.e. social workers.

Xbox goes off at x-pm. He gets up by x-am. He does x, y and z in the house. If he wants money, for whatever, he gets a summer job.

Tough love really is the only way forward sometimes.

@ManchesterLu writes that tough love is the only way to go.
But if the OP is being undermined by the mostly unavailable but soft touch for money Dad she's in an impossible situation.

How do you think it would go, if he lived with his dad? He would be away from his friends at home, which would be great. Would his dad keep him under control?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. We (me, DH and a DD then aged 9) endured violence and house wrecking at the hands of a teenager (a girl). DH worked away though.
SS could not care less. CAMHS were rubbish and only stepped up when I went to GP in a state and asked how to complain about them.
You can't tolerate this, and it will escalate. Ask GP, SS, report every incident to police, tell his father that he's coming to stay with him. Don't wait till it happens again or gets worse.

💐

you have to shut this down before it gets worse, I think you probably need the back up of a responsible trusted and calm male relative

This. You'll be doing him a favour in the longer run.

Huge hugs op. I don't know who you would ring. What job does he want to do? Can he get jnto that job now with education programme? Id try and get him working ASAP with something to focus on if at all possible

If I were you, I'd call the police first, in the hope that they will have a stern word with DS. As for sending him to his dad's, do you think this would work or leave your DS more vulnerable? What is his dad like?

You could insist on DS going to the doctor's with you, as an ultimatum. Perhaps he needs some help with his moods/cannabis use. From what I've seen cannabis makes people short tempered and blasé. Also, have you tried to enrol your son on some sort of apprenticeship? If he enjoys this it could really change his outlook.

I'm going to guess that dad isn't that great if he is mindlessly sending DS money regardless! Good luck op, I'd definitely be telling DS that he has 2 options....that you either call the police or he can go and live with his dad!