Does anyone ever feel sorry for MIL’s?

[MrsPPP]

I am a Mother to all boys and am nowhere near being a Grandmother or having a daughter in law, so me asking this is nothing to do with my personal situation right now, but it definitely makes me worry for the future.

I see so many posts about imposing MIL’s etc…. Usually in these posts, OP is female, raved about what a blessing her Mother has been and then rants about DH’s family being imposing or coming round to visit too often.
Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

I totally understand that this question is generalised and that some people will have valid reasons (abuse, alcohol issues etc).

I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children. Also, who doesn’t want extra help?

My MIL was great. I loved her and miss her, as sadly she died a few years ago. I will be forever grateful that she was part of my life and a fabulous nana to our children.

I think it depends very much on personalities involved. I was never particularly close to my MIL but my husband and I helped her as much as possible when she got dementia in later life and she was always an active grandmother to my two daughters particularly when they were younger. So there was a general acceptance on both sides but I did find her difficult to get on with sometimes and she had a very old fashioned view of marriage and child rearing but I just put that down to the generation gap and the fact she was from a different culture. We never really fell out but certainly I did not enjoy the same relationship I have with my mum.

Now I am a GM myself but have a daughter rather than son but her and my son in law include both sides of the family equally so my daughter seems to get on with her MIL ok and they certainly see as much of our shared grandchildren as we do. I know some who don't get on with their own mothers so I think it depends on whether both MIL and DIL have a mutual respect and empathy for each other. Also of course how engaged the son is in both relationships. If you are the type of MIL who believes their son can do no wrong and don't allow for the fact he has a wife and children of his own now so his loyalties should lie with them first and foremost then there may be conflict.

I also know some mums with adult daughters who don't get on. I try not to impose or offer unsolicited advice too much but just offer help without strings and so far it has worked out ok. Difficult to think of your children as adults and you do have a different type of relationship but hopefully remain close as they move to adults and have children of their own. Most youngsters these days appreciate GP help as often they both need to work so I am sure you will be fine with your boys partners.

To be honest, I don't think it's a MIL thing. I just think it's all mothers, and you're just used to your own and find her easier to tolerate. So in vulnerable moments, like postpartum, you want your own mum, not your MIL. Mums also care about their daughter, not just the baby, whereas MILs normally care about access to the child, making sure they get the same amount of time with the child etc, it's all about the child and having some influence over them Vs care for the mother.

Your sons might not have children, so it might not be something to worry about in the end x

I feel sorry for some MILs where the DIL is competitive and looking for fault from the outset.
I also feel sorry for some DILs whose MIL tries to dominate them and has no boundaries.
No generation has a monopoly on nastiness and narcissism.
I'm sure there are a lot of MIL and DILs who are both easy going and know how to compromise and they get on fine. If there's no problem people aren't going to post about it.

It’s not about “having rights” over anyone. Babies are people , nobody “has rights” over them, just like nobody has rights over you or me. People are not property. Even parents don’t have a right to access to their child, a child has rights to access with their parents, it’s an important distinction.

grandparents are close relatives; it is right that as a parent you facilitate that relationship for the benefit of your child (safety concerns and abuse aside of course). Trying to control, ration, deny, manipulate, sever etc. that relationship based on your own personal feelings is absolutely wrong.

a lot of MILs do seem to step over boundaries here and that is absolutely shit for a new mum, but quite frankly one’s own parents can be just the same! , it’s just I think we have more tolerance for it with our own parents.

I agree. No singling out here. My own mother was a pain when it came to me nursing and will push and push about a subject until you relent. Her underlying issue with it was that she was never able to do so due to being too sick in her pregnancies with pre-eclampsia and having us at 32 weeks and seeing me be able to do so despite differing circumstances between us brought back old feelings. She knows I still will do what I think regardless of her opinion and has finally learned not to push things. MIL is a work in progress with DH but that’s between them.

that's where you are completely wrong. The feelings of the parents DO matter. In the majority of cases, it's not about controlling, rationing, manipulating... once again you give the MIL far too much importance, do you think most people waste that much headspace and energy?

Dragging them into your power struggles, your toxic demands is adding to the mental load and is not needed.

I am sure most mums do not wake up in the morning and go, oh how can I spite my MIL today?

If you behave like a normal human being, and give them the same respect than you give your friends children, or your neighbours children, you won't end up in this unhealthy relationship.

grandparents are close relatives; it is right that as a parent you facilitate that relationship for the benefit of your child (safety concerns and abuse aside of course). Trying to control, ration, deny, manipulate, sever etc. that relationship based on your own personal feelings is absolutely wrong.

@Tandora but earlier in the thread you called me out for going NC with my MIL over safety concerns? You said you thought it was 'disgusting'. Like I asked you earlier, how many injuries to my children should I ignore? How many times should I put up with cleaning up sick and consoling unhappy children?

You can really tell the entitled MIL "I demand automatic respect" who think they can claim ownership of another woman's baby without any consideration or respect to the mother's feelings, huh?

Yes babies are people but when a person is a newborn, they are 100% reliant on their parents (and usually mostly the mother) to fulfil all of their needs and to keep them safe.

That is literally the definition of parenting. We aren't kangaroos, we don't give birth then abandon our babies somewhere and leave them to get on with it.

As children grow up, their level of independence and autonomy changes and grows. That's the natural normal state of affairs.

The idea that it's wrong for a mother to have say over who gets access to her newborn because the newborn is a person too is just batshit - clearly a newborn is not capable of making those decisions for him or herself.

No, you do NOT have the right to demand another woman hand HER baby over to you like it's some kind of object if you've been hostile or unwelcoming or simply never bothered to develop a good and loving relationship with her.

If a woman isn't friendly and welcoming to her son's girlfriend, she doesn't have the right to later turn around and demand access to that woman's baby

WHY wouldn't you be friendly and welcoming to your son's girlfriend if family is that important to you in the first place anyway?

@flurbubbly
strange analogy! Baby kangaroos live in the mother’s pouch for months, some continue to suckle for up to two years

I don’t know why you are saying “you”, I’m neither and MIL nor do I have sons, only girls.

once again you give the MIL far too much importance, do you think most people waste that much headspace and energy

you sound like a complete narcissist. Ultimately, What matters is your child is allowed to build their own , independent relationship with his/ her family members. Grandparents are especially important. There’s a tonne of research on this.

If you behave like a normal human being, and give them the same respect than you give your friends children, or your neighbours children, you won't end up in this unhealthy relationship

you continue to insist that all the problems are one sided and under the MIL’s control. That’s not how people work.

I’m not a MIL, nor do I have any sons. I’m just a responsible parent who isn’t a complete narcissist.

Newsflash: It’s not YOUR baby, babies are not property of people, parents or otherwise. A baby is its own person. You are its mother, and you have a responsibility to that baby to care for it in the best way you can. That means putting that baby first. Part of putting that baby first is allowing that baby the chance to develop independent relationships with other family members. It’s not all about you.

This is definitely true, but women who start threads complaining that their mother is overbearing and ignores boundaries, lectures on how to raise their baby, turns up at their door uninvited, tells them that they're selfish for breastfeeding since their mum expects to have the baby overnight from newborn, those threads get 100% support and sympathy.

Women who start threads saying the exact same thing about their MIL get raked over the coals, accused of "yet more MIL bashing", endless "you just don't like her do you OP?" etc. etc.

It seems like you're allowed to want boundaries with your mum but not with your MIL.

And no it is not ok to weaponise your children, use them as bargaining chips, and deny them a relationship with close relatives based on your own personal feelings/ ego.

But you've literally just made that up out of hatred towards DILs?

Assuming that any woman who wants boundaries over her own baby or to say how her own baby is raised must purely be acting out of "ego" is a weirdly hostile way of perceiving someone else's behaviour.

Deciding not to let someone abusive, or hostile, or domineering, or who refuses to respect boundaries have a relationship with your baby absolutely is not "weaponising your child", it's being a good mother. If someone isn't capable of treating their DIL with kindness and respect why trust that they'll be able to treat their DIL's child with kindness and respect?

The fact you even use the word "bargaining chip" about babies says more about you than it does anyone else. Emotionally healthy people wouldn't even think to look at a newborn and see a "bargaining chip", but a helpless infant who needs to be protected and nurtured.

funny how you make it like it's not all about the "mother" but it's all about the Mother-in-law 😂

If you believe a mother who is acting in the best interest of a child keeping them away from toxic people is a "narcissist", you might want to rethink your parenting ideas.

And why do you keep bypassing and dismissing the importance of a mother? It's such a weird position.

I don’t hate DIL’s that’s absurd! I am a DIL, and I find my MIL exceptionally annoying at times.
But I think it’s completely shocking that there are women on this thread who think it’s ok to deny a baby/ child access to their paternal grandparent, just because they don’t happen to have a close relationship with MIL themselves, or because MIL wasn’t “friendly” enough to DIL before the baby was born.
Of course your MIL is going to be more interested in her grandchild than you, and take more interest after a baby is born. nothing wrong with that at all, and no reason to try to spoil that relationship.
I’m also shocked at the number of mothers who apparently think their baby is their own possession (like a car) rather than a person , born into a wider family.

funny how you make it like it's not all about the "mother" but it's all about the Mother-in-law

not at all: this is childish. I said it’s a hard relationship and there is work to be done on both sides.

If you believe a mother who is acting in the best interest of a child keeping them away from toxic people is a "narcissist"

just because your mother in law says things that you find overbearing, or wasn’t “friendly” enough to you before baby was born- doesn’t make them a toxic person that needs to be cut off from access to their grandchild. Of course in situations where grandparents are abusive or harmful to children that is very different- same as parents.

And why do you keep bypassing and dismissing the importance of a mother I haven’t and would not do this. Mothers are essentially important- and the most important person, in my view in a child’s life. But children are not the property of their mothers. And it is extremely important for children to also have relationships with other family members/ have other role models etc in their lives.

But I think it’s completely shocking that there are women on this thread who think it’s ok to deny a baby/ child access to their paternal grandparent, just because they don’t happen to have a close relationship with MIL themselves, or because MIL wasn’t “friendly” enough to DIL before the baby was born.

@Tandora or who put thier children's welfare and safety first it would seem.

It's funny but telling when some posters make it a "Daughter-in-Law" issue. Tells you how they think the sons should be raised, and not involved with any of that.

Just that attitude does explain a lot of friction, let alone refusing to be welcoming to a girlfriend to start with. Blame the new wife for everything 😂

or who put thier children's welfare and safety first it would seem

err nope, I’ve repeatedly said if their are safety concerns or abuse that’s very obviously different. But you don’t just get to cut off grandma because you don’t personally like her.

again, why would anyone not be "friendly" with their son's girlfriend? Why wouldn't you want to build some kind of relationship from the start?

Do you expect to have rights and a relationship with the baby, but ignore the mother?

I don't understand your reasoning.

err nope, I’ve repeatedly said if their are safety concerns or abuse that’s very obviously different. But you don’t just get to cut off grandma because you don’t personally like her.

Err nope, you haven't, earlier down thread you said it was disgusting that I am NC with my MIL because of safety concerns and problems with favouritism. I asked you how many times I should put up with my children being mistreated and how many negligent 'accidents' I should ignore. Silence from you. You seem to think that mothers should centre the grandparent relationship above all else and at any cost.

Sorry @wholivesondrurylanethat was a bold fail. The top part of my post was a quote from Tandora. I am NC with my MIL and I agree with you.

I responded to your first post where you said you had cut off MIL because of an accident. In your view that accident was her fault because she invited her other grandchildren over as well, and you felt she favoured them. I responded that I was shocked you would deny your children a relationship with their grandma because of an accident. (I also think your accusations of favouritism are petty , and I don’t see anything wrong with your MIL inviting over cousins to play.).
You then responded by giving a lot more information and saying there were repeated incidents and safety concerns. I didn’t reply to that because of course I don’t have the context to judge, and that was very different to what I responded to in the first post . Obviously if you think your child is not safe with a person you shouldn’t leave with them unsupervised.