Does anyone ever feel sorry for MIL’s?

[MrsPPP]

I am a Mother to all boys and am nowhere near being a Grandmother or having a daughter in law, so me asking this is nothing to do with my personal situation right now, but it definitely makes me worry for the future.

I see so many posts about imposing MIL’s etc…. Usually in these posts, OP is female, raved about what a blessing her Mother has been and then rants about DH’s family being imposing or coming round to visit too often.
Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

I totally understand that this question is generalised and that some people will have valid reasons (abuse, alcohol issues etc).

I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children. Also, who doesn’t want extra help?

No, because it's inherently not a two-way relationship. Usually the MIL wants something the DIL has, but the DIL doesn't want anything the MIL has. So that creates an inequality.

Of course it's two way.

I have the self awareness to realise that in the early days of our relationship, I really wasn't the perfect DIL. My in-laws were very different from my own family, and I didn't negotiate managing that well at times. And as an introvert I wasn't always as welcoming and accepting of them as I could have been.

It's testament to what wonderful people my PILs were, that they continued to be tolerant, warm and welcoming, however confused they were by my behaviour. Most people wouldn't have been, nor should they have had to be. But with time I grew to be as accepting as they were, and to love and appreciate them. And they truly loved me.

Sometimes it pays to recognise how one's own behaviour and attitudes colour a relationship. I'm a much better person for having joined their family and learned from them.

No, because it's inherently not a two-way relationship. Usually the MIL wants something the DIL has, but the DIL doesn't want anything the MIL has. So that creates an inequality.

absolutely. In most cases, the DIL just wants to be left alone in peace, is already compromising A LOT by including the husband's family - because it's only fair. Anyone acting like an entitled MIL would never be seen again and everybody would move on with their life happily.

In-laws that have made no effort in the early stage of the relationship and are basically strangers can't complain that they are not warmly welcome, and that even discussion over laundry or helping is weird. If they allow for the relationship to develop organically, and don't try to take over, it would work a lot better.

It's only a two-way relationship if both women want it to be a two-way relationship, and they both have to decide that right from the start.

Most women want to be on good terms with and be accepted by their boyfriend's mother, because if the mother doesn't accept you or is hostile, the relationship probably won't work out.

But at the same time your boyfriend's mum is a total stranger to you until you develop your own friendship. And lots of men don't have close relationships with their mothers or even see their mothers so sometimes there isn't a way for the girlfriend and mum to meet. If your boyfriend's mum is just some random stranger you've heard about but never met because there isn't a good mother-son relationship, then in practical terms she is nothing to you.

Or if she's actively hostile to her son dating, or has strict ideas about what kind of woman she wants her son to date, that's going to get things off on the wrong foot. Everyone wants what's best for their children but ultimately men will date and marry who they choose, mums don't get to dictate who their sons fall in love with.

Then when a couple get married and have kids, you might have a situation where a woman who's shown no interest in meeting her son's girlfriend or has been actively hostile suddenly wants access to a grandchild without bothering to build a good relationship with the baby's mother first. And from the mother's perspective, someone she doesn't know has popped up demanding part-ownership of the baby she's just given birth to.

So in that situation, it's not two-way since the MIL wants something from the DIL but the DIL just wants to be left alone.

The onus is on mothers of adult sons to be nice to the women their sons date and develop a good relationship with them from the start. (And on the younger women to reciprocate, of course.)

Does anyone think about the SIL having to accept his wife’s mum?

Oh course it’s a two way relationship- all relationships are and it’s exactly attitudes like this that are toxic and part of the problem. Your MIL is family. The mother of your partner. The grandparent of your child. Have some goddam decency and respect.

And a baby is not a car. Also part of the problem.

@flurbubbly

Too much common sense there.

Totally agreement most normal people /girlfriend friends want to be accepted and liked by their partners family.
Who likes to be disliked and like a conflict.

Unfortunately we see time and time again it's usually a child that is a catalyst for mils turning into medusa

Usually because that's when dil says "enough" because she's been badly treated at her most vulnerable and she realises how cruel her Mil is.

Or the Mil has previously shown her not respect or kindness but suddenly crowds in on the baby with an entitled attitude a d no relationship to back it up.

Then very sadly sometime they did have an ok relationship but Mil goes into over drive with demands and judgement overnight the baby.

Caveat. Of course there are many wonderful kind supportive mils out there who are you rational humanity beings. My dm was one and my aunts and my friends have lovely mils.

They are very lucky

I think if you’re nice to your DILs you’ll be fine. After losing my own mum I was really excited to have a MIL but she just ignores me and acts as though I don’t exist. But that’s not a MIL issue it’s a ‘my MIL’ issue

100% agree with flurbubbly. Unless the MiL is the only grandmother around, then there is absolutely an imbalance.

No, the mother of the person you are dating/married to is a complete stranger to you until you both equally decide to pursue and build a friendship with each other.

And that relationship is usually predicated on how healthy the mother-son relationship is. Develop a good, loving, respectful relationship with your son and make clear that you love your son and respect his boundaries, and you will probably have a good relationship with any woman he ends up dating.

There are so many threads from women complaining that their MIL expects them to handle everything because the MIL never speaks to her own son.

Most women are nice to their boyfriend's mothers because they want to be accepted. Of course women shouldn't be hostile or reject overtures of friendship from their boyfriend's mother either.

If a woman isn't friendly and welcoming to her son's girlfriend, she doesn't have the right to later turn around and demand access to that woman's baby.

Respect has to be earned.

I feel for my MIL but also disagree with the way she goes about some things. I knows she loves her son- my DP- and our DC so very much, and I always remind myself of how I'm likely to adore any DGC I have, and how I'll want to be with them as much as possible. However, I don't think she should have come over a few hours after DC's birth, I would have left it a day. I don't think she should have turned up here to stay without arranging first (poor thing seemed to think this would be a lovely surprise!) I don't think that there should be any pressure for the parents to leave the baby with DGC alone until they have indicted that they're ready.

She's a lovely woman and everything she does is because she loves the same people that I love. My own DM died many many years ago so I can't compare the relationships, but I do feel for MIL because it must be hard for her.

I think that’s part of the issue, the ‘instant family’ presumption. I’d met my MIL six days before my wedding. She wasn’t ‘family’ to me, I could barely pick her out of a line up. The expectations she had of me being an instant daughter, calling her mom, demanded I copy her address book to keep up with family birthdays (people I’d never met), be the daughter she’d always wanted and replace my husband in her world. Yes, she told me she’d been waiting for him to get married so she could FINALLY have a daughter instead of a son.

I had no interest in another mother. Mine was bad enough. I had HOPED to develop a strong friendship, but her overwhelming expectations were impossible for me to meet. And because I didn’t fulfill her dreams of having a daughter, she was angry and resentful. She’d frequently call and demand that I MAKE my husband do what she wanted, after he’d already told her no, and was shocked when I flat out said I would never take her side against my husband, that I was his wife and ALWAYS on his side.

So, no. A wedding band does not create instant family bonds, nor create instant respect.

I was a bit more sensible upthread, but a few posters seem to think that respect is not a requirement in any relationship, and that grandparents have "rights" even if they are rude.

Really?!?!?

I would love to have a great relationship with my MIL, but we don't have that and we never will. That means she doesn't see the grandchildren as often as she would if I enjoyed her company. Last weekend DH collects her (she's in a home now) and he asks me to send the children out so they can take them to the playground. Off they all trot for 45 minutes . On their way back I can hear crying (sounds like one of the toddlers has fallen over) so I meet them to cross the road. I say hello, but she turns her face away and pretends she can't see/hear me. I bring the children inside and get them settled. DH brings her in as she wants the loo. Again I say hello, again she turns her face away and doesn't acknowledge me. So this weekend DH suggests they go to the playground again and perhaps his mother could come in for afternoon tea. I said that he can if he wants, but I'll go out to do the shopping while she's here. He doesn't want to be juggling all 3 children and her so says no. I'll see her tomorrow as we collect her for church each Sunday but I draw the line at spending 2 weekend days with someone who refuses to acknowledge me in my own home.

If she treated me decently she'd see the children more. But she chooses to be rude and difficult, and always has done. People have to accept some responsibility for how they treat others.

This is all bullshit from start to finish, but this is the worst :

If a woman isn't friendly and welcoming to her son's girlfriend, she doesn't have the right to later turn around and demand access to that woman's baby

you do realise a baby is a person right? An independent being with their own thoughts, feelings and relationships? Women don’t “own” babies, babies are not possessions or property.they are people, born into families. It is extremely beneficial for child wellbeing and development for a child to have a close bond with his/ her grandparents. Denying a child that out of pure egoism is horrendous parenting.

A baby is a person BUT they are not aware that they are a separate entity from their mother from birth.

No one in this thread has said anything about denying or stopping grandchildren having a relationship with their grandparents only that the expectations that they can just swoop in and start demanding and telling new mothers that they “need” to do xyz with their freshly birthed babies and expect automatic trust and comfortability when they’ve not put the work in first to gain it.

*gain it isn’t good

@Tandora

I don't know if you realise how insensitive your posts are.

Many women on here have really suffered at the hands of the their mils and it's a very sore subject.

No.

You absolutely do not treat a child's mother or father with repeated dis respect and expect to have entitled access to their child.

Unfortunately, and we see it time and to me again, the types of mils who behave like that are dogmatic, irrational and over bearing.
Usually people want too protect their small babies and children from such types.

Oh yes I certainly agree with all of that.
And in particular, No one should be doing this:

swoop in and start demanding and telling new mothers that they “need” to do xyz with their freshly birthed babies

a lot of MILs do seem to step over boundaries here and that is absolutely shit for a new mum, but quite frankly one’s own parents can be just the same! , it’s just I think we have more tolerance for it with our own parents. I guess it’s hard when you feel like you have a lot of knowledge and experience raising babies and children and you see a new mum (of your grandchild no less) doing things differently or “wrong” in your eyes. No excuses for it though, everyone should keep their opinions to themselves!

true a baby is a person, not a property. Why do all these MIL from hell decide they have any "right" over them?

It is extremely beneficial for child wellbeing and development for a child to have a close bond with his/ her grandparents.
surely it depends on the grandparent?

MIL from hell can be miffed and huff as much as they like, they are not an essential in anyone's life.

If someone cannot behave in a reasonable way with the mother, how on earth do they expect to be trusted with their baby? Trust is earned, what would be horrendous parenting would be sending a baby to someone who has shown no regards or respect for the mum, who wouldn't follow instruction and recommendation.

It's the parent duty to make sure the baby only goes to people they can trust.

Nothing worst for a child than being sent in the middle of a toxic family, they are much better off spending more time with the other side of the family, or friends that can be trusted.

quite frankly one’s own parents can be just the same! , it’s just I think we have more tolerance for it with our own parents

of course, but we've known them for 20 or 30 years. You can't really get closer to someone than your own parents that have known you from birth and raised you.

I bet most people spend more time with their boss than they've ever spent with their MIL.

🤔 But tandora this is exactly the types it repeated behaviours people are talking shout on this thread.

I would never ever have tolerance for my dp to talk down to dh who is an amazing father and loves us.

Esp parents who have plenty of their own faults. Thankfully.. Mine never did but had they shown any disrespect in that way I wouldn't put up with it, no.

My dh deserves to be treated with nothing less than courtesy and respect.

The difference usually seems to be men and their families mother's have difficulties and they Csnt communicate but again it's usually Ken struggling to communicate with overbearing dogmatic mother's. Who then go and trample all over their dil and usually the gc.

Very much... Their way or the high way.

At some point many dils and sons say... Thanks we will take the high way.

Many women on here have really suffered at the hands of the their mils and it's a very sore subject

I suggest they look at their own behaviour as there are two sides to every relationship. If they have displayed the attitude espoused by the people on this thread I have been corresponding with, it’s no wonder the relationship is sour.
And no it is not ok to weaponise your children, use them as bargaining chips, and deny them a relationship with close relatives based on your own personal feelings/ ego.

Yes of course. But my point is, MIL’s aren’t demons- they are behaving like normal older people. Is it harder to tolerate it from your MIL? Yes. The relationship is hard, but both sides have a responsibility to work on it. Is it ok for MIL’s to say intrusive things? No. Does it make them evil? No, it makes them ordinary. Feel free to put them in their place by telling them to keep their opinions to themselves, but demonising them and denying them a relationship with their grandchild and vice versa? Hell no. That’s not ok.

it's usually Ken struggling to communicate with overbearing dogmatic mother's. Who then go and trample all over their dil and usually the gc

herein lies the misogyny and ageism.

but demonising them and denying them a relationship with their grandchild and vice versa? Hell no. That’s not ok

what wouldn't be ok would be to let your children with someone you can't trust!

Again, in-laws have NO RIGHT over someone else's child.