Does anyone ever feel sorry for MIL’s?

[MrsPPP]

I am a Mother to all boys and am nowhere near being a Grandmother or having a daughter in law, so me asking this is nothing to do with my personal situation right now, but it definitely makes me worry for the future.

I see so many posts about imposing MIL’s etc…. Usually in these posts, OP is female, raved about what a blessing her Mother has been and then rants about DH’s family being imposing or coming round to visit too often.
Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

I totally understand that this question is generalised and that some people will have valid reasons (abuse, alcohol issues etc).

I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children. Also, who doesn’t want extra help?

With the current trend seeming to be a lot of MIL's are overbearing, I think DM's are too but as they are mum it's easier put up with/easier to put back in to place without a big bust up.

From my own experience, SOME women of the previous generation struggle with the difference in how children are raised today compared to how their own children were raised, grandparents did use to have a lot more power/involvement years ago. The grandparents today, act like their own parents/in laws did but it's outdated in todays world.

I've seen my sisters who are a lot older than me (old enough to be my mum!) completely act out, so much entitlement around expectations when I had a young baby and couldn't accept anything they didn't agree with which caused a massive family rift which they will blame me for and can't see why I've withdrawn myself from near enough the whole family.

@5128gap

Yes of course. I'm thinking of the common room demands I've seen on over 10 years here and in my own life and friends.

Mil demand baby stops breast to go to bottle for her own reasons.
Mil has to come into the birthing suite /stay when babiest born and hold baby for far longer than dil is comfortable with.
Mil wants baby alone over night again for her own reasons.

Mil demands baby its potty trained.
Mil demands baby should be allowed food the parents don't agree with.

Mil demands giving baby foods baby is actually officially allergic too

And so on!

I wouldn't classify any offer these demandable as necessary to anyones except mil.

Yes, these are unreasonable by any standards @RoyalImpatience
However I'm thinking of a recent thread where an OP posted to complain her MiL had turned her washing inside out because the woman believed it would help it dry. While several posted in support of the MiL, there were many others outraged at her audacity in daring to even touch the washing. It's these stories that make women not yet MiLs apprehensive about the future, and MiL like me eternally grateful for my own lovely DiL.
Fact is the damnding MiL can stamp her feet all she likes. Her DiL holds all the cards. Unfortunately some DiLs can and do use their greater power against their MiLs, and if you're unlucky enough to get such a one, there won't be a great deal you can do.

Age gap I remember that thread
Again it comes down to not asking.

"I've found turning washing inside out does x... Would you like me to try with yours?".

Just doing something depending on the context can look like... My way is better than yours.

I have a lovely MIL she is more helpful than my own mother and has DD very regularly which is so appreciated.

Again it comes down to not asking.

Agree. I wouldn’t like my own mum just going around doing things without asking and wouldn’t like the same from MIL. Thankfully both do ask and accept the answer given (usually) if they don’t agree.

No, 90% of MIL threads are women with batshit MILs who are entitled and demanding and treat women who are pregnant or who have just given birth as walking incubators.

I think a difficult DIL is just as likely as a difficult MIL. Why wouldn't it be? There are difficult people in all age groups.

It is really hard to tell if you don't know both sides of the story, if you look on gransnet the stories all point to difficult DIL, on here more likely to be the other way round.

I've got 3 DsIL and my relationship with each varies from very close and feels like one of my own to a very distant relationship. I'd say I treated them the same from the word go but one didn't want to know, one we get on but not close, one much closer. They are 3 very different people and obviously one likes me more than the others although fortunately there isn't any bad feeling or nastiness just less warmth.

That's very true. I would be no more likely to walk into DDs house and do things without asking/offer advice without being asked than I would with DIL or anyone else for that matter. That's just politeness isn't it.

Yanbu but as a concellation it does depend on who you are too and I'm sure you're lovely! My fiancée has 4 brothers and I'm the first DIL MIL has had ( albeit we aren't married yet ). She is amazing, kind and we are very close. She is definitely equal in that she has come with us for bridal gown shopping, if I see my mum for a coffee next turn will be coffee with MIL and vice versa and we have similar interests that we share as our own hobbies. We are going gin tasting next week, I can talk to her extremely openly about my life and she is as much a friend as a MIL. I can't wait to have children that will have two amazing nannies and will be so excited to split them between both sets of grandparents. My parents have become their good friends from our relationship and now everyone blends into one anyway but I do know I'm very lucky. I did have one previous boyfriend who cheated on me and what could've been MIL basically ghosted me when me and him ended and I thought we were close. She couldn't see why I was unsure about the relationship being able to continue and thought I was very cruel for leaving someone that slept with multiple strangers on a lads holiday...but I could never see my now MIL treating me that way and she equally never makes me feel that because my fiancée is her son at the end of the day he is what matters, we both do to her which is lovely :)

So try as one might to sustain the type of relationship we might want with our parent, if our partner isn't on board, it's simply not going to happen and we end up compromising the relationship we'd have otherwise had.
Obviously if we are a woman in this position, we are more likely to be urged to ignore the controlling man trying to keep us from our mum. If however we are a man we'll be swiftly told to grow up, cut the apron strings and prioritise our wife.

Exactly. The DH has to be responsible for the relationship with his mum, but if he actively likes her and is happy to visit/have her visit more than his MNer wife wants, he's a mummy's boy and should cut the apron strings.
But the women can be as close to her mum as she likes and see her multiple times a week 'because that's natural'.

It's almost a year to the day that I lost my MIL. One of the best people I've ever known, and I loved her. I'm struggling a bit with (unwarranted) anti-MIL posts at the moment.

@saraclara

That's sad and you are so so lucky to have had a wondeful mil 😍.

Unfortunately for many dils mils have been the unexpected thorn in their side.

Mumsnet helped me keep my sanity over my Mil and it's realised her vicious behaviour was unfortunately... Quite usual and normal.

Why not step away from mil threads and remember your own with immense gratitude...

@saraclara.
Whoops..I fight see your see the post about mummies boy.

I've not seen posts saying " Mil is fine... We don't really get on but rub along but what I don't like is dh visiting her for a couple of hours once a week".

What I do see is posts where unfortunately Mil is thrashing through boundaries and dh says nothing. Not because he's a mummies boy but because he's terrified of upsetting mum.

Has it ever occurred to you that dils maybe half the problem?! Or do women suddenly become monsters when they reach a certain age? It’s a famously difficult relationship for a range of reasons - underwritten by deep seated, unconscious misogyny- there’s work and compromise to be done on both sides to make the relationship healthy and positive.

Also an unhealthy dose of ageism. A lot of MNers seem to despise women of a certain age.
I'm no psychologist, so wouldn't know where to start finding an explanation for this. But ageism (almost exclusively aimed at other women) is rife on this site.

Very true

Disliking one person in your life is not misogyny or ageism. Is disliking your own mother also misogyny and ageism too?

Hating MILs as a class would be. But I don't know who on earth would? That's stupid.

Important to note that's FIL is rarely as involved in his DIL's life as his wife is.

So there's no level playing field. It is usually the MIL who is more involved, for better or for worse.

You reap what you sow.

My MIL is amazing. She's treated her children (DH and SIL) like adults since they became adults, so from the off our relationship was adult to adult, rather than pseudo-parental.

Because of this she been at the birth of both her grandchildren (mine and SIL's daughters), and is close with both families. She 'grandparents' within the boundaries set by the actual parents and so sees her grandchildren often with no tension.

In fact, we're at her house without DH right now.

I only hope I can have a relationship with my DD and any future family that good once she's grown up.

DM is another category entirely and wasn't trusted to have DD alone until DD could speak for herself, because she didn't listen or respect our boundaries.

You reap what you sow.

So do DILs, to be fair. I'm not sure why all the responsibility for the success or otherwise of the relationship is placed on the MIL.

You reap what you sow.

I wish that were true in my case. I bent over backwards for years, and then asked myself why when it was all one-sided and the likelihood of pleasing her are doing things that I absolutely refuse to do. I can at least say I tried and have continued to remain cordial and polite.

No, because it's inherently not a two-way relationship. Usually the MIL wants something the DIL has, but the DIL doesn't want anything the MIL has. So that creates an inequality.

The responsibility is on MIL's to acknowledge that pregnant women and mothers have bodily autonomy, to acknowledge that a woman's baby belongs to her and the father and that that no one else has any claim to it at all, and to respect whatever boundaries the DIL puts up over her own body, her own home, her own life, and her own baby.

And also acknowledge that their primary relationship is or should be with their own son, and that their son should be the one facilitating them to have a good relationship with their grandchild.

Yes, a decent mum wants to facilitate their child having a good relationship with its grandparents but the onus is on other people to respect pregnant/mothering women's boundaries. I'm thinking things like grandparents demanding to have newborns/very young babies overnight, demanding new mums not be around their own babies because they want to be alone with the baby, demanding that mums stop breastfeeding because it's "selfish" - basically people who act like other woman's babies are objects that should be shared equally between anyone who wants a go otherwise it's "unfair."

Too often people act like both the mother and grandmother have equal rights to a baby and both parties are equally obligated to compromise, but that's just not the case. If I want to borrow someone' car I can ask nicely and they might let me, but they're not obligated to come to a compromise over how often I can drive their car because at the end of the day it's not my car and I have no claim on it. If they never want me to drive their car ever they're perfectly entitled to make that decision.

I read some threads and wonder what the problem is, the MIL seems to be acting reasonably and the DIL seems a bit precious. I say this as someone who has troubles with my own MIL.
I was far too obliging at the start because I wanted to have a good relationship with her (involved her in the planning of the wedding, she held DC before I did) and eventually it became to much, I gave the inch and she took the mile. I now do the bare minimum and that's still more than anyone else does for her. I don't believe I'm the problem as everyone else, family and friends, have cut all ties with her. I feel sorry for her but see it as a bed of her own making. I've tried to involve her, but for her that is not enough, she needs to be in charge, she won't join any groups or clubs because everyone/thing is beneath her. Any conversation with her ends up as a character assassination of some poor individual.
Although, I have noticed that now she is getting older her behaviour towards me is improving and suspect she realises that soon she is going to need help and I'm her best bet.
I am very aware that one day I might become a MIL and I'm dreading the minefield that I will have to walk, but walk it I will to hopefully have a good relationship with DCs potential families.

It is a potentially fraught relationship isn't it. As with any relationship, both sides have to make an effort for it to work.

That starts with wanting it to work and seeing the value in it. You can't lead with your own 'rights' because rights have very little to do with how people interact (unless you've just married an 18th century Lord or something).

You can't lead with what you get out of the relationship either because a good relationship is never a bad thing no matter whom it's between. It is always valuable for its own sake and because good relationships achieve things and bad ones never do.