Does anyone ever feel sorry for MIL’s?

[MrsPPP]

I am a Mother to all boys and am nowhere near being a Grandmother or having a daughter in law, so me asking this is nothing to do with my personal situation right now, but it definitely makes me worry for the future.

I see so many posts about imposing MIL’s etc…. Usually in these posts, OP is female, raved about what a blessing her Mother has been and then rants about DH’s family being imposing or coming round to visit too often.
Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

I totally understand that this question is generalised and that some people will have valid reasons (abuse, alcohol issues etc).

I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children. Also, who doesn’t want extra help?

Im married to an amazing man, and his mum is lovely and we get on great (I find her much easier than my own DM).

My MIL is amazing and I am closer to her than my own Mumx as are my children. My Mum has always been more interested in my brother's children and my MIL has been so good to us.

Most people only put something on social media if there is a problem they want to talk about so the examples you see are probably going to be the bad ones. It doesn't mean everyone hates / has problems with their mother-in-law.

My MIL is amazing. Really supportive- and a great help with the grandchild. She has been over with FIL yesterday as hubby wasn't well so I can go to work- and uplifted my child so hubby has a few days to recover before we go and stay with them for the weekend... I have nothing but respect for my inlaws (hubby has epilepsy and a brain condition they take him to appts, do some life admin and generally are amazing to support me in my career fulltime in the nhs)

I love my MIL and am a lot closer to my DH family and siblings then I am my own .

My ex mil was/is total narsaccistic nut job, and her son is pretty much the same.

Had a tantrum because I didn't hug her goodnight the 1st time I'd stayed with her. I haven't hugged my own mum goodnight since I was about 10.

Was pretty insistent breastfeeding would turn our son gay.

Told her neighbour I was 21 when my eldest was 7, neighbour did the maths and figured I had to be 13-14 at conception, poor lady couldn't figure why mil was super proud of her obviously p**do son. Was super relieved when she met me face to face.

Once rang every 20 minutes on a Sunday to speak to her son, who at that point worked permanent Sundays. I answered the 1st time said he was working (like he always does on a sunday) but the grandkids weren't busy if she wanted to chat with them, she said no and hung up. Then proceeded to ring every 20 mins hanging up when hearing my voice. After about 5 calls I just let it ring. Kids were really distressed by the phone going all day. Tried to report her son as missing!!!! Passed dementia cognitive tests following this

This is just a tiny fragment of the crazy.

Don't be that MIL!!

I have a son and a daughter and often worry about this myself 😕 then I worry I might come across as uncaring if I took it slowly so as not to impose 🤦‍♀️

I think sometimes an issue arises because of differences in household and upbringing.
Especially when it comes to children.

Imagine if your DIL had a very different upbringing from your son, when baby comes along I feel people tend to lean towards what they know and therefore DIL tends to favour own parents over the MIL.

Personally, I don't have a close relationship with my own mother and was really hoping to marry into a family that got on well and that I could integrate myself into like another daughter. Unfortunately this hasn't been the case as my DH's relationship with his mum is similar to mine and despite my attempts I've never got passed feeling like an acquaintance with my MIL 😕 she's very very similar to my mum. Sucks.

I was discussing this with my daughters the other day.

I also remember the 1960s and 70s 'jokes' about mothers-in-law and how cruel they (jokes) usually were. But they were told by men about 'the wife's' mother. Here on MN the stories are told by women about their MIL. Differing perspectives but still dislike.

Of course not all MIL are negative (I was told I wasn't, which is what led to the conversation). Obviously, if there's a forum like this one, it will attract people with a point to make.

Don't be disheartened, OP. When you are a MIL, just communicate - ask if it's OK for this or that, coming to visit, staying the night etc. It'll be their home, not an offshoot of yours.

Op if you read so many posts, as I have I'm surprised you have nt seen the common themes.

1. pushy mil who disregards And doesn't care about for her dil usually around the time of a babies birth. Mil demands, wants and how many times have we read she pressures a new mum too stop bf so she can feed baby to bond.

2. again mil demands and pushes over birthdays, Christmas and enters into an insanely jealous competition over mums own parents. Wants baby for days on end without mum. Unreasonable demands.

3. it's often actually usually dil who has reached out to in laws, the one who gets their son to call, buys presents for them and wants agaisnt all odds to keep a relationshi"p going. The in laws stills regard her as having "stolen their son"

4. eventually dil gives up.
   5)where is dh in all this? Well look at mils pushyness and imagine bejng raised with that!

The reason you’re seeing mostly females posting about their DH’s mother is this is Mumsnet, not Parentnet. Most of the posters are female. Plus it’s only the problematic relationships you’re hearing about.
My MiL is lovely although, like all of us, not without her faults. Same as my mum really.

I would add not taking account different upbringings and cultures and assuming offence .

Assuming or ignoring that DH and DIL likely discussed how they wanted to bring up their children so trying to push what you want for grandchildren regardless of what they decided is unhelpful.

@phoenixrosehere absolutely.

So many more I could add personally to the list.

Not being judgemental, critical, general negative and unpleasant.

Usually people who get on with their MIL no longer have a mother in their life- its all about competition. So if your sons choose partners in this situation you will be fine.

Well for the first year, which was what I meant when I referred to a new mother, my sons were working and their wives were on maternity leave so it is pretty obvious that the time available for my sons to involve me was far more limited than the time their wives had to spend with their mothers. With my daughter she was on maternity leave and had plenty of time to spend with me while her husband was working/commuting.

I do have a friend whose daughter was the one with the bigger income so they split the year, she had six months and then he had six months and it did make a big difference I think.

I think most of the problems that revolve around mil's are really problems with the sons and THEIR relationships with their mothers. Which I suppose could go back to childhood, and so be a parenting failure on the mother's part; but as we're talking adults with brains then I think that's a pretty flimsy excuse.

I do think some of it falls to dil's enabling the sons though, too. His relationship with his mother should be for him to maintain, it shouldn't fall to a dil and that dil shouldn't just offer to take it on, because everyone knows how that one turns out.

I think this whole OP is unintentionally buying into the misogyny - why is it even asking about the dil? Why is it on her? Why isn't it asking for advice on how we can bring up our sons so they keep contact going with their mothers, and show them love and respect, and their wives too, and don't just use them to do things that they can't be bothered to do for themselves? I would be asking myself how best to raise my sons so they know the duty of care for their family is theirs, it can't just be delegated to their future partner.

It's not even that hard.

If only these MIL from hell could stop making everything in a competition with the other grand-mother, and concentrate on THEIR relationship only,

treat their DIL like they treat anyone else... They wouldn't walk to their neighbours house, grab the baby and start claiming it as their own, while making nasty remark about the way the mother is doing it wrong, would they?

My MIL is not someone I'd choose as a friend. She's critical (of DH), a snob, incredibly materialistic and v rude. Although she fancies herself as some kind of aristocrat, she's actually very crass.

She loves her grandchildren though, she can't help who she is and how she was raised. She's too old now to change or gain any insight into her behaviour, and there is love between DH and his parents. So I shut up, nod and smile and am polite.

We can't choose our in-laws. They'd probably rather I was someone else too. Who knows. We get along for the sake of harmony and I'd never be rude about MIL to DH (it's not my place). I'd never be rude to MIL either (even though the last words she said about my mum, to me, before my mum died were horrific and I will never forget or forgive her for that, no matter how many smiles I give her or how polite I may be. She has shown her true colours and I don't like them).

I think alot of the issues come from how the MIL treats the DIL and not the other way round. If u treat her like family she will treat you like family. If you have a good relationship with your kids spouse then you will get a good relationship with your grandchildren.

@nearlyemptynes
Two posters threads about mil right now (lost mother) and then myself refute that claim.

I respected mine for raising a lot of children as a single mother but her children regularly point out it was their Grandma that did most of it. I felt sorry for her. However, she seems to think she deserves to be looked after BUT not by her children, by her sons partners. The other DILS don't bother with her at all anymore, I was the last one standing but she recently behaved so terribly and spoilt that I have totally stepped back and will never make the slightest bit of effort again. She also has her obvious favourite grandchildren however this is out in the open and she is mercilessly mocked for it. We all meet more often than not without her and she is told why. I always liked her kookiness but I've overlooked far too much over the years. People are complicated, it's never a one size fits all.

I agree @GeekyThings that the onus should never be on a woman to ensure her husband has a relationship with his mother, and that a great many men either opt out or weakly take the path if least resistance.
However on a lot of these threads we're not talking about DiLs failing to actively facilitate, we're talking about poor relationships which erect barriers.
If a spouse of either sex takes a dislike to our parent, we are in an extremely difficult position because there are only so many hours in the day, and spending time with one will inevitably reduce our time available for the other.
I wonder in reality how many people who can't stand their MiL would genuinely be happy for their partner to do the things extended families who get on together do, Sunday lunch, Christmas, maybe the odd holiday, on their own? Few I would imagine, and understandably.
So try as one might to sustain the type of relationship we might want with our parent, if our partner isn't on board, it's simply not going to happen and we end up compromising the relationship we'd have otherwise had.
Obviously if we are a woman in this position, we are more likely to be urged to ignore the controlling man trying to keep us from our mum. If however we are a man we'll be swiftly told to grow up, cut the apron strings and prioritise our wife.

@5128gap depend though

Difficult relationship is one thing, it seems to be mils demanding and active cristisim that causes direct conflict which is different to coping when a genuinely difficult person or someone you just don't like.

@wholivesondrurylane that's a very good point and perhaps good advice for new mils.

Demanding is used when another person wants something you don't want them to have. Whether they're reasonable to want it or not is subjective. Unless both parties are in agreement as to what is a reasonable level of engagement there will be conflict. Criticism of course is never helpful from either side.

So much this. This is everything to do with how we raise our sons - to expect equality in relationships, to expect to share the emotional labour and child rearing.

We have to ask ourselves what kind of example we're setting our sons? Are we sharing the parental leave, even though it might cost a little bit more/require more savings if the husband is the higher earner? Even if we'd prefer to take the full year? Are we running around buying gifts and remembering birthdays or anniversaries and organising the visits for our partner's side of the family as well as our own? Are we sharing childcare, child rearing duties, housework and responsibility for kids' activities? Are our partners actively challenging the 'long hours' that shoves so much extra work onto mothers?

If we teach our sons, by our example, that raising children and maintaining family relationships is 'women's work', then we can't really claim to be surprised when they behave the same way and leave it to their partners in adulthood. And we really have no right to complain if our future daughters in law decline to take on the responsibility.