Page 29 | To think this has moved into bullying territory?

BurnsBurnsBurns · 2023-07-13T05:18:17+00:00

On Tuesday I was accused of ruining a colleague’s pregnancy announcement. I of course apologised at the time but they wouldn’t let it go and started bringing up various times that I’ve apparently ruined other people’s “news”. I have spoken to my manager who has suggested I just get on with my work and let it all settle down but the atmosphere is now awful. Yesterday everyone was being really off with me all day and today I really can’t face going in. I’ve apologised, it wasn’t done on purpose or with malicious intent so AIbU to think if they continue with this it is actually verging on bullying now? I really don’t want to go in today :-(

WhatNoRaisins · 14/07/2023 13:08

I suppose you could argue you are your behaviour but that's getting a bit philosophical.

Chunt · 14/07/2023 13:15

BurnsBurnsBurns · 14/07/2023 13:07

“My husband calls it 'being an elevenrife”

is what she said. There for she’s implying that that is what I am.

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You're like a dog with a bone (as my grandpa used to say - I imagine he invented this expression). I'd drop it if I were you.

lookingforMolly · 14/07/2023 13:17

Instead of getting hung up on the stupid elevenorife thing (not even sure what that means) think about what your plan is going forward.
As I said previously I do think looking for a new job now with colleagues that are a better fit / more quirky is a good idea.
Before things get much worse and you lose your confidence.

Also maybe think about an adult autism assessment as you never know.. you may fit that and it could be your light bulb moment.
I've tried my whole life to 'fit in' but unlike you it's been by being quiet which unfortunately leads to accusations of being stuck up until people get to know you. So you can't win really!
I'm going to ask my psychiatrist for an assessment as certain things (not on this post but elsewhere on Mumsnet) have resonated with me.
I would speak to my gp if I was you.

WildUnchartedWaters · 14/07/2023 13:18

BurnsBurnsBurns · 14/07/2023 13:07

“My husband calls it 'being an elevenrife”

is what she said. There for she’s implying that that is what I am.

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Okay

You were right. (You werent, but I'm so bored of it you can be).

Not sure where that gets you.

DrSbaitso · 14/07/2023 13:30

CleverLilViper · 14/07/2023 12:52

I don't feel remotely resentful or angry about having to show care for another person. I've also never been called rude.

Again, as I've already stated, I'm happy to make the right noises and say congratulations if they're in order. However, there are people for whom that is not a sufficient display of excitement and for whom that saying congratulations but failing to gush and talk nonstop about their news is just plain rude and against social norms.

Expecting everyone to be as excited as you about your personal news is just a surefire recipe for disappointment. Especially when you only know them as colleagues.
Let me pose a question-why do you crave the validation of others so much? Ultimately, that's what it is. You expect a bunch of people who may have little in common with you beyond where you all work to validate you and say how wonderful it is that you've hit a milestone or achieved something.

It's not a bad hope that people would wish you well and say congratulations and most people will strive to meet that expectation. However, the expectation is also being dictated by the person holding the expectation whether it's a reasonable one or not. So, they decide how much validation was sufficient and how little qualifies as being "rude."

Would you really rather someone fake gushed over your news just to satiate your desire to be validated than said a quick, "congrats, good luck" and went on with their day? Is that really preferable?

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Expecting everyone to be as excited as you about your personal news is just a surefire recipe for disappointment...You expect a bunch of people who may have little in common with you beyond where you all work to validate you and say how wonderful it is that you've hit a milestone or achieved something...Would you really rather someone fake gushed over your news just to satiate your desire to be validated

And there you go, again and again. Nobody expects anyone to be as excited over my pregnancy as I am, but yes, I do expect some degree of recognition because it's polite and a social norm. The fact that you keep exaggerating what's expected and complaining that it's about "needing validation" and "fake gushing" rather than a normal social interaction that helps keep the workplace from becoming an icebox belies your claim that you're not resentful and angry about it. No, when a colleague announces something as life changing as a pregnancy, you do need to give it a few minutes of your valuable time. One word is not enough. If you truly didn't know this, you do now. You're welcome.

It actually reads like an excuse for poor social skills. No, you're not rude or have a bad way with people that makes them unhappy around you. You're just above fake validation! And we have several multi-paragraph posts to show how above needing validation you are.

Chunt · 14/07/2023 13:30

Where would an adult autism diagnosis get the OP? Regardless of whatever label might fit, most adults still have to earn a living and find ways to manage socially. Whether or not the OP is autistic, the strategies would be the same - don't speak out of turn, try to feign an interest in someone else's boring pregnancy announcement, don't make everything all about you, try to hide the fact that you (possibly rightly) regard your colleagues as twats. This goes for NT and non-NT people alike.

DrSbaitso · 14/07/2023 13:38

Chunt · 14/07/2023 13:30

Where would an adult autism diagnosis get the OP? Regardless of whatever label might fit, most adults still have to earn a living and find ways to manage socially. Whether or not the OP is autistic, the strategies would be the same - don't speak out of turn, try to feign an interest in someone else's boring pregnancy announcement, don't make everything all about you, try to hide the fact that you (possibly rightly) regard your colleagues as twats. This goes for NT and non-NT people alike.

I'm glad someone said it. I didn't because I know you're not supposed to, but I was thinking OP shows some signs that are consistent with autism. Not understanding social cues and a tendency to take things extremely literally.

If she did obtain an autism diagnosis, it might help her to understand precisely why her socialisation is off and perhaps learn some techniques to manage it. I think these techniques would be different for autistic people than NTs because, while the actions are the same, NTs will understand better how the skills work and they'll make more sense to them, which makes it easier. But I don't have direct experience of this so I'll bow to people who have.

She might also find that if people know she's autistic (if she is, and of course she isn't obliged to tell anyone), they might be more understanding of why she seems somewhat oblivious to social cues. They might not, of course, but they might, and that would be a benefit all round.

JudgeAnderson · 14/07/2023 13:39

Where would an adult autism diagnosis get the OP? Regardless of whatever label might fit, most adults still have to earn a living and find ways to manage socially. Whether or not the OP is autistic, the strategies would be the same - don't speak out of turn, try to feign an interest in someone else's boring pregnancy announcement, don't make everything all about you, try to hide the fact that you (possibly rightly) regard your colleagues as twats. This goes for NT and non-NT people alike.

It's actually really useful for a couple of reasons. If your management team at work are aware of it you can reasonably expect them to address bullying caused by being socially awkward. And it means that you can be a bit kinder to yourself as well about getting things wrong.

AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 14/07/2023 13:46

@CleverLilViper I understand you aren't interested in colleagues lives and most people would pick up on that quickly and stop interacting with you on that level.

You probably wouldn't have blurted out your good news whilst your colleagues were talking.

OP, wanted to share her news.

GrinAndVomit · 14/07/2023 13:48

Chunt · 14/07/2023 13:15

You're like a dog with a bone (as my grandpa used to say - I imagine he invented this expression). I'd drop it if I were you.

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She’s replying to people who are STILL bringing it up as stick to beat her with.
She is not bringing it up repeatedly for no apparent reason.
You are part of the reason this topic is ongoing.
She is not acting like a dog with a bone.

ManateeFair · 14/07/2023 13:52

Having seen the rest of your comments on this thread, I think perhaps you are quite exhausting company.

GrinAndVomit · 14/07/2023 13:53

This is so tedious

Poster 1: Why are you still talking about elevenerife?
OP: because….
Poster 2: OMG are you still going on about elevenereife? What is your actually problem with it?
OP: my issue was that…
Poster 3: Urgh why are you, like, so obsessed with elevenerife? It wasn’t even aimed at you
OP: of course it was…
Poster 4: stop talking about elevenerife!

Can you really not see what you’re doing here?

If you want the subject to be dropped, then stop commenting about it!

DrSbaitso · 14/07/2023 13:55

It's interesting that so many people see a positive response to good news as "fake". For a normally socialised person who doesn't have any reason to loathe the subject of the news, it isn't fake. No, of course we're not as invested as we would be if it was us or someone we're close to, but we do feel genuinely pleased that another human being is happy. The smiles and couple of minutes of congratulations aren't fake just because we don't feel as if their news is ours.It would actually be bloody weird to feel the same as if it were happening to you and people probably wouldn't respond well to that either. Do you really have no feelings at all about someone you know getting life changing news? Or is it only good news that causes this resentment? Do you not care a damn if they just found out their mother had died?

WhatNoRaisins · 14/07/2023 14:03

It's not the topic it's the going on the attack at someone who didn't really do anything wrong. If that's something a person typically does it gives us some insight into why they are struggling socially at work. It's the sort of thing where you need to ask yourself why you're doing it and is it really helpful.

JudgeAnderson · 14/07/2023 14:10

@GrinAndVomit eveything you say. And also multiple pages eviscerating the OPs character and then demanding she apologise for her supposed terrible behaviour.
I suspect their much like her colleagues - scent a bit of difference about someone and any treatment of them is justified, and they're not deemed worthy of defending themselves.

Sugaristheenemy · 14/07/2023 14:21

The smiles and couple of minutes of congratulations aren't fake just because we don't feel as if their news is ours

As I said before the colleague DID get a couple of minutes of (presumably sincere) congratulations. You keep over looking that.

OP bought up the subject of her house while there was still a discussion about the pregnancy ongoing (which she didn’t realise because she’d stopped listening) but I got the impression the initial smiles and congrats had been done.

Tighginn · 14/07/2023 14:25

Gather round everyone, I have announcement, where does this shit happen?

DrSbaitso · 14/07/2023 14:29

Sugaristheenemy · 14/07/2023 14:21

The smiles and couple of minutes of congratulations aren't fake just because we don't feel as if their news is ours

As I said before the colleague DID get a couple of minutes of (presumably sincere) congratulations. You keep over looking that.

OP bought up the subject of her house while there was still a discussion about the pregnancy ongoing (which she didn’t realise because she’d stopped listening) but I got the impression the initial smiles and congrats had been done.

As I said before the colleague DID get a couple of minutes of (presumably sincere) congratulations. You keep over looking that.

It's not overlooking anything when I was responding to a completely different point made by a completely different poster.

But that aside, you weren't there so you don't know at what point OP jumped in. Clearly someone who was there thought it was too soon, and several people who know the OP get the same impression from her from multiple incidents.

Gumpshing · 14/07/2023 14:31

@JudgeAnderson very well put!

Sugaristheenemy · 14/07/2023 14:36

I was responding to a completely different point made by a completely different poster.

what difference does that make? You keep going on about a few minuets of smiles and congratulations and that apparently happened is all I’m saying.

and no I wasn’t there. I’m going by OPs description of what happened.

moonrakerr · 14/07/2023 14:39

Ok fair enough those who see societal niceties as "fake" etc... But you need to be able to take what you dish out. If you make your apathy towards other people's news clear, then don't share your own news. OP probably said her new house news with some expectation of 'congratulations', so she's the type to want to share good news too.

DrSbaitso · 14/07/2023 14:40

Sugaristheenemy · 14/07/2023 14:36

I was responding to a completely different point made by a completely different poster.

what difference does that make? You keep going on about a few minuets of smiles and congratulations and that apparently happened is all I’m saying.

and no I wasn’t there. I’m going by OPs description of what happened.

What difference does it make that you accused me of overlooking something you said when I wasn't responding to you? If you don't understand that, I don't think I can simplify it further.

You're talking about the few minutes of discussion that may or may not have happened, depending on how reliable a narrator you find OP to be. I'm talking about the idea that it's "fake" to show interest in someone's news if you're not best buds. For most normal people with no reason for bad feeling towards the person, it isn't fake. That's the point.

Sugaristheenemy · 14/07/2023 14:43

you accused me of overlooking something you said when I wasn't responding to you

yes. And?

DrSbaitso · 14/07/2023 14:47

Sugaristheenemy · 14/07/2023 14:43

you accused me of overlooking something you said when I wasn't responding to you

yes. And?

Ok, you don't understand why I'm not overlooking Point A from Sarah when I'm addressing Point B from Gavin.

I can live with that. Let's move on.

Abitofalark · 14/07/2023 15:11

It isn't a trivial thing if you are feeling so upset that you feel you may not go into work. Some of what you mention seems spiteful and petty. For instance why would they laugh at something you say when you try to join in? I'm not asking or expecting you to give details but just instancing an example of spiteful behaviour. You might at some time in the future speak to your manager about such instances because it isn't civil or acceptable workplace behaviour even if you are not one of the 'gang' and even if you have done awkward things socially. You could also challenge the laughing ones at the time. Do you mind? Am I some kind of joke or target? It's not clear what you mean by disappearing or why they complained to your manager. Did something you did affect the work or did they just not like that you weren't one of them? Some individuals are naturally introverted or do not fit easily into groups or cliques and a kind of isolation hangs over them but being regarded as weird isn't a reason or excuse for cruel or jeering behaviour or even complaining to managers.

When you said you avoided the office yesterday does that mean that you didn't go to work or that you worked from home? The ruffled feelings over recent small irritations should subside naturally so that you can manage to keep on going to the office and focus on your work, being civil without necessarily being close and they should show equal civility. You will never be one of the gang but that doesn't mean you all can't or shouldn't work cooperatively.