To think this has moved into bullying territory?

[BurnsBurnsBurns]

On Tuesday I was accused of ruining a colleague’s pregnancy announcement. I of course apologised at the time but they wouldn’t let it go and started bringing up various times that I’ve apparently ruined other people’s “news”. I have spoken to my manager who has suggested I just get on with my work and let it all settle down but the atmosphere is now awful. Yesterday everyone was being really off with me all day and today I really can’t face going in. I’ve apologised, it wasn’t done on purpose or with malicious intent so AIbU to think if they continue with this it is actually verging on bullying now? I really don’t want to go in today :-(

It's not odd or self centred to have friends.

No, but your colleagues are not necessarily your friends and not necessarily emotionally invested what goes on in your life. They should be polite of course but all this you must gush over big news and give people their moment in the limelight? I mean..you’re not on a night out with your pals you’re at work?
Obviously work friends will be genuinely pleased but I get the impression OP is not really friends with this group.

If you bothered to read my post, you'd have seen that I made the distinction between friends and colleagues.

Yes, and my point was that these people were friends. Even if OP doesn't care about them, yelping about what's happening to her every time one of them shares a big story, in a way that impedes upon their conversation, shows poor socialisation. Almost as poor as thinking it odd or self-centred to show polite interest in a colleague's big life news, even if you aren't best buds.

Social skills are what keep the wheels oiled in human communities and interaction. You may not go to work to make friends or have any work friends, but presumably you also don't want to work in a place where everyone is completely cold, unreceptive and uncaring. I do find this "splendid isolation" mindset to be a bit of a British thing.

They're called social skills for a reason - they are skills. They're not always innate, some people are better than others, kids need to learn them ...and they are important.

They should be polite of course but all this you must gush over big news and give people their moment in the limelight? I mean..you’re not on a night out with your pals you’re at work?

Well here's the thing...what I think of as polite interest, you may think of as "gushing". But then I don't have a problem with people having a moment in the limelight when they've just received exciting, happy news. It's a pretty normal human thing and I never met a person who never wanted any kind of positive reaction from anyone.

Well here's the thing...what I think of as polite interest, you may think of as "gushing". But then I don't have a problem with people having a moment in the limelight when they've just received exciting, happy news. It's a pretty normal human thing and I never met a person who never wanted any kind of positive reaction from anyone

I don’t have a problem with it either, it’s more the hating on people who “spoil” it by not reacting in the right way. OP gave away the fact she wasn’t that interested, but was she obliged to be?

As you say YMMV about how much feigned interest counts as polite

But not reacting in the right way does spoil it. No, OP's not obliged to care, but there are social consequences to being rude about it. And ruining the moment is rude.

When I told my team I was pregnant, I did indeed get a few minutes of "oh, wonderful, congratulations!" and yes, I did expect it because it's normal socialisation. If, after it had naturally died down, someone later said "My house offer got accepted!" then I'd do the same for them. But if it hadn't died down and we were still talking about it, and someone just shouted it out - yes, I'd be annoyed, because it's rude.

Also: the OP has given some crucial information very late in the game. It was not the pregnant woman who made a fuss; it was a couple of people in the office, who seem to think they have the right to police and criticize OP's behaviour. And they (or someone) had apparently gone to management in the past to complain that OP didn't interact and participate enough.

Without that information, it seemed possible (a) that OP was being generally too pushy (maybe she was, but essentially as a reaction to previous complaints that she wasn't interacting enough); (b) that she was OTT in contacting HR (but others had complained to management about her, not for bullying or even rudeness but basically for being 'different').

I'm not saying that OP has handled everything perfectly; probably she really has been annoying (not the same thing as attention-seeking) at times; but if there's one thing I detest, it's social/ workplace police, who think it's their job to stage 'interventions' and lecture people about their failings.

When I told my team I was pregnant, I did indeed get a few minutes of "oh, wonderful, congratulations!" and yes, I did expect it because it's normal socialisation

I think the colleague got that as well. OP said that the incident where she called out about her house happened some time after the initial announcements

I've just been talking to some colleagues about one of their wives having a baby and having their scan and I imagined if another colleague had shouted something out at us interrupting our conversation. It is rude and we would probably have thought WTF!

It's just polite to wait your turn.

I'm not saying that OP has handled everything perfectly; probably she really has been annoying (not the same thing as attention-seeking) at times; but if there's one thing I detest, it's social/ workplace police, who think it's their job to stage 'interventions' and lecture people about their failings.

exactly - a moment of awkwardness? yes, reason for an ongoing vendetta? no

Such a funny thread! Elevenerife-gate, hitting someone with a can of coke, the war of did-the-pregnant-lady-complain 😁

@BurnsBurnsBurns you probably were a bit rude and they probably are bullying you, but not in a big enough way for you to do anything about it.

Just ignore them, get on with the job, and keep being a legend.

It sounds petty but these things really build up over time. I know someone who:

• often plays with her phone or shows she's not paying attention when others are talking
• will deign to look up from her phone to make a throwaway comment when she deems the conversation/other people's lives sufficiently interesting
• but then blurt & interrupt everyone else (sometimes screaming like OP) literally mid sentence when anything sufficiently interesting has popped up (aka anything related to her – news on her phone, insect flying around or bodily discomfort, story about her own experiences, etc)

General poor body language and timing I guess, like a baby who only pays attention to people when they want attention. It's not like a HUGE thing but over time it builds up into condescending and self absorbed vibes from her. I most definitely wouldn't file a complaint myself though, that's going too far. Live and let live.

Live and let live... As my grandma always says. ;) Sorry, I couldn't resist.

From what I've read, there's been no indication that the OP is friends with this group outside or inside of work. They're colleagues. That's it.

Friendships can develop at work, no doubt, but not every colleague is a friend. Not every colleague cares about you or your news. Nor should they. Is it really the done thing to just feign interest in something because otherwise you're considered rude? I'd consider that to be fake.

I'm not going to gush over something I don't care about. I'm sorry, but I'm not. I'll make the right noises, I'll say congratulations if they're in order, but I'm not going to jump through hoops to keep the social police appeased.

All these workplace social politics are ridiculous. I'm at work to earn a living. Nothing more, nothing less. If I make friends/have good banter along the way, great, but I'm not about to start jumping through hoops or else the social police will be called.

😂

I'm not going to gush over something I don't care about. I'm sorry, but I'm not. I'll make the right noises, I'll say congratulations if they're in order, but I'm not going to jump through hoops to keep the social police appeased.

It's so funny how many people think a few minutes of polite celebration is "gushing" and "jumping through hoops" and are so resentful about this small cost that means a lot to others, vastly improves the atmosphere and really doesn't require much of you ("I won't, I shan't, I refuse! Social police! I know my rights!").

I know they're all going to say that they're polite enough about it. But this level of resentment that borders on anger for some people, at the idea that you might have to make a little show of care for another person, is going to come across. As evidenced by the number of them who say that despite being as polite as social mores require, they keep getting told they're rude!

I suppose it depends on how much you like your job and want to progress in that company. If you don't give a shit then you can get away with being rude. If you do give a shit it probably is better to show some interest in your colleagues when they speak. You don't have to gush or do a fan dance.

It's so funny how many people think a few minutes of polite celebration is "gushing" and "jumping through hoops" and are so resentful about this small cost that means a lot to others, vastly improves the atmosphere and really doesn't require much of you ("I won't, I shan't, I refuse! Social police! I know my rights!")

Not resentful of it. Just don’t think you should be necessarily dragged over hot coals if you get it wrong.

I mean.. it’s not as if OP was being malicious. If someone acts out of malice that’s one thing but no having tip top MN approved social skills. Maybe just accept it’s one of those things and don’t waste to much energy on it.

Totally agree @Sugaristheenemy . The things @BurnsBurnsBurns did might be somewhat rude, but I’m struggling to imagine a colleague getting my manager involved because I wasn’t sufficiently composed during a lunchtime conversation they were having. I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face!

What planet are these people living on where it’s the workplace’s responsibility to manage this?!

I wasn’t having a go at @fortnumsfinest … it’s the elevenerife woman who is calling me names

OP, you seem to have the kind of personality that grinds on people. This may be, unfairly or not, influencing your coworkers to assume your motives for always seeming to have a distraction that’s all about you, when the focus is someone else. Do what your manager has suggested and stick to your job, it sounds like they’ve had a gutful too.

…unless, this is Jameela Jamil’s alt account?

I don't feel remotely resentful or angry about having to show care for another person. I've also never been called rude.

Again, as I've already stated, I'm happy to make the right noises and say congratulations if they're in order. However, there are people for whom that is not a sufficient display of excitement and for whom that saying congratulations but failing to gush and talk nonstop about their news is just plain rude and against social norms.

Expecting everyone to be as excited as you about your personal news is just a surefire recipe for disappointment. Especially when you only know them as colleagues.
Let me pose a question-why do you crave the validation of others so much? Ultimately, that's what it is. You expect a bunch of people who may have little in common with you beyond where you all work to validate you and say how wonderful it is that you've hit a milestone or achieved something.

It's not a bad hope that people would wish you well and say congratulations and most people will strive to meet that expectation. However, the expectation is also being dictated by the person holding the expectation whether it's a reasonable one or not. So, they decide how much validation was sufficient and how little qualifies as being "rude."

Would you really rather someone fake gushed over your news just to satiate your desire to be validated than said a quick, "congrats, good luck" and went on with their day? Is that really preferable?

OP the expression elevenerife was a description for behaviour. Instead of taking it as an insult and attacking back it would have been better to consider whether that is how your behaviour comes across to your colleagues.

She didn't. She literally said 'my husband calls it elevenerife' which wasn't directly in response to you. You were really unnecessarily mean. In 28 pages people have said far worse yet you went for her.
I agree with the above. I dont think this thread has helped anyone.

Weve got one too and she drives me crackers.

Yes, shes entitled to behave however she likes, but she cant be surprised when she irritates the life of us all.

“My husband calls it 'being an elevenrife”

is what she said. There for she’s implying that that is what I am.