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Original poster

Whose fault was/is this (if anyone's)?

254 replies

familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:21

Family member 1 (host) has a huge garden and hosts gatherings often over summer.

A BBQ has been pending for a while, involving host's family, extended family and friends and neighbours. The purpose of the BBQ is to celebrate two family member's birthdays that are close together.

When first discussed about two months ago, it proved hard to find a date where both birthday family members were available. Also host had a dilemma as to whether to have it on a Saturday or Sunday-given a lot of people have busy Saturdays over Summer, but people work on Mondays and may not want long drives/booze etc.

One of the birthday family members is in a LDR and only sees their DP some weekends, DP always leaves on a Sunday morning as they work on the Monday-it is difficult for them to get Mondays off at this time of year. Host is very aware of this, but it wasn't discussed specifically while making arrangements.

Last time the DP visited everyone was trying to figure out what weekend would be best and decided on this weekend. This was around a month ago.

In the meantime birthday family member's friend asked if they could spend some time with them the Saturday of this weekend-birthday family member mentioned the BBQ and said they were welcome to come to it (which they knew they would be) and mentioned to host who said yes that's fine but then later on, they said to birthday family member 'You do know It's on the Sunday, not the Saturday?'

Birthday family member hadn't known this and is now upset as their DP cannot be at their birthday gathering with them. Their DP is upset because they were looking forward to coming.

Host has said birthday family member should not have assumed it'd be on the Saturday. They've also given their (valid) reasons why the Sunday would be better, and said they discussed it at length with other family members. It had not been specifically mentioned at any point to birthday family member however, despite these discussions, which has riled them somewhat.

Birthday member accepts that they assumed and shouldn't have but feels that host should have specifically mentioned about it being on a Sunday, and should also have perhaps been mindful that birthday member's DP cannot 'do' Sundays when making the decision.

Other info-host reckons they mentioned the date (not day) to both the DP and birthday member. Neither remember this conversation and also have said that this would have been weeks ago and they mightn't' have been mindful to look up whether this was a Sat or a Sun.

Host is upset as birthday member is disappointed and upset and has said they won't attend for the whole day-they were expecting a nice day with their DP and they often have to attend events alone due to LDR and this was going to be a nice day for them, now It's just 'meh'. They're not especially close to anyone else there other than host, and there's a huge age gap with all guests and them too.

Their DP was meant to be doing some of the cooking to give host a break to speak to their friends-which is a small issue.

So was birthday member wrong to assume and should have asked? Was host wrong to assume birthday member knew the day? Should they have specified and/or thought 'hang on, the DP isn't free on Sundays? Should birthday member have made this clearer? All of the above?😂

This is long but I still feel I haven't included all info...I'll answer anything required though!

OP posts:
FionnulaTheCooler · 12/07/2023 22:27

If the host told them the date it was being held then it was up to the invitee to check before they accepted. The time to make an issue of it would have been weeks ago when the date was set.

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 12/07/2023 22:29

Well you don't organise a party specifically for someone on a day that isn't going to be suitable so it sounds like the host was being unreasonable.

Original poster
familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:29

The birthday member was told which weekend but not the day/date-although they'd saved the weekend knowing it was that weekend. Host has said they think they told the exact date to both parties, but neither birthday member nor their DP remember this conversation. So that's a bit ambiguous.

OP posts:
catherinewales · 12/07/2023 22:35

If the host knew they can't do Sundays then the host is in the wrong. If they wanted the DP to do some cooking they should have arranged it for the Saturday. Also if I knew the host, knew I couldn't do Sunday and when they told me a date I'd have presumed it was the Saturday.

Pkhsvd · 12/07/2023 22:37

Sounds a bit like the host wanted it the Sunday and didn’t really care that the birthday person wouldn’t want it then so tried to fudge it by not being specific about which day or addressing that their partner wouldn’t be able to go. Really if you’re offering to host a bbq for someone’s birthday it seems odd to arrange it for a day their partner won’t be able to go but as the host I guess they get to go with what’s more convenient for them

Original poster
familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:39

@Ineedsleepandcoffee I think they'd just forgotten about the Sunday thing-but they'd discussed which day Sat/Sun with another close family member (who also knows about the Sundays not being suitable but isn't as close to birthday member) and not discussed it with birthday member, which has caused upset.

OP posts:
SideWonder · 12/07/2023 22:40

If the BBQ was to celebrate someone’s birthday and the host hasn’t properly checked that a possible date was OK for the birthday person, then the host was definitely unreasonable.

If I were the birthday person I’d be quite upset. Particularly if the host then started to blame ME for mistaking the date or assuming that it was Saturday. That’s quite the deflection

Changingplace · 12/07/2023 22:41

Sounds like really bad communication on both sides, how on earth did they get to this point without having said simply it’s Saturday, who on earth says ‘the weekend’ for a BBQ without discussing which day??

They’re all unreasonable, how does any attending know which day it is if they can’t even discuss it between themselves?

Original poster
familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:42

Host actually said to birthday member 'Never assume, it makes an ass out of 'u' and 'me', so there's definitely been some blame apportioned on their part.

OP posts:
SideWonder · 12/07/2023 22:42

In fact, if I were the birthday person my first response would be not to attend the BBQ but spend my birthday day with my partner.

Original poster
familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:43

@Changingplace everyone attending had been sent an invitation or (if they live locally, neighbours/other family members) been told specifically it was the Sunday, other than birthday member.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 12/07/2023 22:44

familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:29

The birthday member was told which weekend but not the day/date-although they'd saved the weekend knowing it was that weekend. Host has said they think they told the exact date to both parties, but neither birthday member nor their DP remember this conversation. So that's a bit ambiguous.

Surely on both sides if you suggest a thing to happen on a weekend which doesn’t take the whole weekend the first thing you ask/mention is which day?

I honestly can’t understand it!

Hoolihan · 12/07/2023 22:45

Host is most at fault, poor communication. But also why does bday person want to do this bbq in the first place given that it sounds like none of their friends will be there? Maybe they should organise their own bday party in future!

Original poster
familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:45

It is not the DP's usual weekend to come down. They were coming down specifically for this event as an 'extra' weekend. If that's relevant. So now they're considering not coming as it seems pointless as the event isn't happening for them and they'll feel a bit 'wrong' leaving on the Sunday morning before the event they thought they'd be at. Birthday member understands this, it was to be an 'extra' but is disappointed in the host for not making things clear.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 12/07/2023 22:47

familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:43

@Changingplace everyone attending had been sent an invitation or (if they live locally, neighbours/other family members) been told specifically it was the Sunday, other than birthday member.

This is just ridiculous, host is most unreasonable for not specifically giving the birthday family member the date, but I still think it’s weird the birthday person would save the whole weekend knowing they couldn’t do Sunday.

W1h · 12/07/2023 22:47

Host is unreasonable from the info given. Who arranges a celebration for someone's birthday for a date which doesn't work for the birthday person?

But also who arranges a celebration for a person at which the birthday person isn't close to any of the other guests at all. This doesn't sound like it's for the birthday person at all.

Original poster
familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:48

@Hoolihan birthday member has had a meet up with their friends, this was just to be with partner and family but, all family members are much older than them bar one who is 20 years younger (but who is bringing their friends). It was just to be a nice day for them and their partner to spend doing something together with birthday member's family and also to see other birthday family member. Birthday member whose DP can't come lives far away from all of their friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:50

@Changingplace that is a good point. I think they thought if arranged for the Sunday well in advance, it may have been possible or if it wasn't, they'd get the opportunity (if host spoke to them before confirming the date with others) to say 'no we can't do the Sunday'. But that conversation didn't happen for them.

OP posts:
GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 12/07/2023 22:50

Arranging an event for someone, and not checking with that person that the time chosen is suitable is weird.

Knowing someone is not available on Sundays, but expecting them to attend an event and have a role (cooking) on a Sunday is weird.

Being cross with someone for not being available when they've told you they're not available is weird.

Is there a golden child / scapegoat thing going on here?

Quitelikeit · 12/07/2023 22:52

Sorry but I don’t think k the host is unreasonable at all!

The host kindly is organising and paying for a BBQ for two people’s birthdays - thd boyfriend should make the extra effort to persuade his employer to give him the Monday off or at least drive back later!

I mean they can do what they want on the Saturday as they were never going to be able to spend all of Sunday together!

The host probably isn’t too bothered about the BF being there either and why should they be?!

Suck it up Buttercup and be grateful!

Original poster
familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:53

Thank you for all the replies. It is helping with perspective.

As an aside, host's neighbour had a gathering recently which birthday member was invited to by proxy (through host who is closer to them, who couldn't attend due to other commitments!) and host (the one involved in the OP) told birthday member it was on the Saturday when it was actually on the Sunday! Also causing a mix-up. They just assumed it would be on the Saturday-which kind of negates their 'never assume...' comment to birthday person!

Do people generally assume things will be on Saturdays?

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 12/07/2023 22:54

familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:21

Family member 1 (host) has a huge garden and hosts gatherings often over summer.

A BBQ has been pending for a while, involving host's family, extended family and friends and neighbours. The purpose of the BBQ is to celebrate two family member's birthdays that are close together.

When first discussed about two months ago, it proved hard to find a date where both birthday family members were available. Also host had a dilemma as to whether to have it on a Saturday or Sunday-given a lot of people have busy Saturdays over Summer, but people work on Mondays and may not want long drives/booze etc.

One of the birthday family members is in a LDR and only sees their DP some weekends, DP always leaves on a Sunday morning as they work on the Monday-it is difficult for them to get Mondays off at this time of year. Host is very aware of this, but it wasn't discussed specifically while making arrangements.

Last time the DP visited everyone was trying to figure out what weekend would be best and decided on this weekend. This was around a month ago.

In the meantime birthday family member's friend asked if they could spend some time with them the Saturday of this weekend-birthday family member mentioned the BBQ and said they were welcome to come to it (which they knew they would be) and mentioned to host who said yes that's fine but then later on, they said to birthday family member 'You do know It's on the Sunday, not the Saturday?'

Birthday family member hadn't known this and is now upset as their DP cannot be at their birthday gathering with them. Their DP is upset because they were looking forward to coming.

Host has said birthday family member should not have assumed it'd be on the Saturday. They've also given their (valid) reasons why the Sunday would be better, and said they discussed it at length with other family members. It had not been specifically mentioned at any point to birthday family member however, despite these discussions, which has riled them somewhat.

Birthday member accepts that they assumed and shouldn't have but feels that host should have specifically mentioned about it being on a Sunday, and should also have perhaps been mindful that birthday member's DP cannot 'do' Sundays when making the decision.

Other info-host reckons they mentioned the date (not day) to both the DP and birthday member. Neither remember this conversation and also have said that this would have been weeks ago and they mightn't' have been mindful to look up whether this was a Sat or a Sun.

Host is upset as birthday member is disappointed and upset and has said they won't attend for the whole day-they were expecting a nice day with their DP and they often have to attend events alone due to LDR and this was going to be a nice day for them, now It's just 'meh'. They're not especially close to anyone else there other than host, and there's a huge age gap with all guests and them too.

Their DP was meant to be doing some of the cooking to give host a break to speak to their friends-which is a small issue.

So was birthday member wrong to assume and should have asked? Was host wrong to assume birthday member knew the day? Should they have specified and/or thought 'hang on, the DP isn't free on Sundays? Should birthday member have made this clearer? All of the above?😂

This is long but I still feel I haven't included all info...I'll answer anything required though!

Host family are not in the wrong. They didn't say it was a Saturday, they might have specified the date (Sunday).
Birthday family member is entitled and rude to sulk. Their LDR doesn't dictate when the party is held. They may be related to birthday person/s but they're clearly not there to join in the celebration as they've basically said if their BFs not there it won't be worth the effort. I think that's the height of rudeness. Yes I get they're disappointed but they don't get to dictate. They're a minor guest, not a key player.
No ones to blame re the miscommunication, but sulking is ridiculous. I'd say don't bother coming, we look forward to seeing you when you host.

Original poster
familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:56

@GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut there might be. Never quite worked that out.

@Quitelikeit definitely I've thought about that (the generosity of hosting etc.). Host was definitely bothered about the DP being there though, they're not so bothered now, but they definitely had them in mind when first arranging and knew the birthday member wanted them there-and had also expected them to help with cooking, as it frees them up to speak to people they don't see so often.

OP posts:
GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 12/07/2023 22:57

JudgeRudy · 12/07/2023 22:54

Host family are not in the wrong. They didn't say it was a Saturday, they might have specified the date (Sunday).
Birthday family member is entitled and rude to sulk. Their LDR doesn't dictate when the party is held. They may be related to birthday person/s but they're clearly not there to join in the celebration as they've basically said if their BFs not there it won't be worth the effort. I think that's the height of rudeness. Yes I get they're disappointed but they don't get to dictate. They're a minor guest, not a key player.
No ones to blame re the miscommunication, but sulking is ridiculous. I'd say don't bother coming, we look forward to seeing you when you host.

Show quote history

Err, I think birthday family member is the birthday person, aren't they? OP? Or have I completely misunderstood?

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 12/07/2023 22:57

Who has a BBQ on a Sunday??? I don't think I've ever been to a BBQ - or a birthday party - on a Sunday.

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