Whose fault was/is this (if anyone's)?

[familieseh]

Family member 1 (host) has a huge garden and hosts gatherings often over summer.

A BBQ has been pending for a while, involving host's family, extended family and friends and neighbours. The purpose of the BBQ is to celebrate two family member's birthdays that are close together.

When first discussed about two months ago, it proved hard to find a date where both birthday family members were available. Also host had a dilemma as to whether to have it on a Saturday or Sunday-given a lot of people have busy Saturdays over Summer, but people work on Mondays and may not want long drives/booze etc.

One of the birthday family members is in a LDR and only sees their DP some weekends, DP always leaves on a Sunday morning as they work on the Monday-it is difficult for them to get Mondays off at this time of year. Host is very aware of this, but it wasn't discussed specifically while making arrangements.

Last time the DP visited everyone was trying to figure out what weekend would be best and decided on this weekend. This was around a month ago.

In the meantime birthday family member's friend asked if they could spend some time with them the Saturday of this weekend-birthday family member mentioned the BBQ and said they were welcome to come to it (which they knew they would be) and mentioned to host who said yes that's fine but then later on, they said to birthday family member 'You do know It's on the Sunday, not the Saturday?'

Birthday family member hadn't known this and is now upset as their DP cannot be at their birthday gathering with them. Their DP is upset because they were looking forward to coming.

Host has said birthday family member should not have assumed it'd be on the Saturday. They've also given their (valid) reasons why the Sunday would be better, and said they discussed it at length with other family members. It had not been specifically mentioned at any point to birthday family member however, despite these discussions, which has riled them somewhat.

Birthday member accepts that they assumed and shouldn't have but feels that host should have specifically mentioned about it being on a Sunday, and should also have perhaps been mindful that birthday member's DP cannot 'do' Sundays when making the decision.

Other info-host reckons they mentioned the date (not day) to both the DP and birthday member. Neither remember this conversation and also have said that this would have been weeks ago and they mightn't' have been mindful to look up whether this was a Sat or a Sun.

Host is upset as birthday member is disappointed and upset and has said they won't attend for the whole day-they were expecting a nice day with their DP and they often have to attend events alone due to LDR and this was going to be a nice day for them, now It's just 'meh'. They're not especially close to anyone else there other than host, and there's a huge age gap with all guests and them too.

Their DP was meant to be doing some of the cooking to give host a break to speak to their friends-which is a small issue.

So was birthday member wrong to assume and should have asked? Was host wrong to assume birthday member knew the day? Should they have specified and/or thought 'hang on, the DP isn't free on Sundays? Should birthday member have made this clearer? All of the above?😂

This is long but I still feel I haven't included all info...I'll answer anything required though!

This is just so weird. WHY won’t they be flexible about Sundays? Do they have a 2yo child dropped at their house at lunchtime? I doubt it or you’d just say so. It feels like my partner thinking we could never go away on a weekend he had a footy match, back in the early days. I said ok, but your teammates seem to take holidays, so I’d rather find a boyfriend who might occasionally prioritise a weekend away. And he decided our relationship was worth missing a game here or there. Why does the birthday person just accept this extremely rigid behaviour that 100% is not prioritising them even on their birthday? As others say, plenty of people would just get up at 4 am Monday and leave then- a sibling of mine used to do that.

They can come, they are choosing to be inflexible and go home early rather than be flexible to accommodate their DPs birthday party. That's their choice - no problem with that, although it's a shame for birthday person that their partner is so unprepared to put themselves out for them in such a minor way.

However, it is entitled of the DP of one of the guests to think that their convenience/preference is more important that that of the host, the host's family, extended family and friends and neighbours, and that should be the major consideration on when the party is held. More likely than not, the host has taken consideration of ALL of the invitees preferences and has chosen the best fit based on that. Even if it is as simple as the host's preference v the DPs preference - the host's preference still trumps that of the DP as they are the host and family of both the birthday people, especially when it seems that the DP could attend, they just don't want to put themselves out.

The host can only be seen as doing something wrong, if the DP's preference is considered to be more important than everyone else's. It's very entitled if they believe so, and I presume they must, otherwise why would this thread have been started?

Sunday is a rubbish day for a BBQ unless it is a bank holiday.

I would much rather a Saturday. In this case, one half of the joint party prefers Saturday. Flexibility would have been nice.

It sounds like the debate of saturday v Sunday has been going on since the very beginning so why didn’t birthday put a stop to that straight away and say sorry Sundays don’t work for us

I find it very bizarre to arrange a party for someone and not absolutely triple check that the date works for that person. That's kind of all there is to it for me. All this back and forth about "you shouldn't have assumed" blah blah, well, if you're going to go to all this trouble, which, yes, is generous, make sure that the person of honour can attend! The host is generous, but ultimately has been careless.

But it was a gathering involving host's family, extended family and friends and neighbours, and there are two birthday guests. Why should the entire party be arranged to the inconvenience to many others to accommodate one birthday guest's partner preference to not be flexible.

The birthday person's partner is:
a) not the star of the show that everything should revolve around,
b) not the only person who will have other commitments and preferences,
and
c) able to come anyway, but is refusing to do so because they don't want to be flexible, hence showing a huge lack of consideration for their partner.

BONKERS.

Are you the birthday person? Or the host? Why all this cloak and dagger?

My initial reaction is it's all a bit of a storm in a teacup.
a) If host is being generous etc why hold it against them if the saturday is more suitable for the majority, as I think you said.
b)Why is the DP being so awkward and inflexible? And why can't the birthday person have their own celebrations with the DP on the saturday and still go to the party, don't they like going anywhere on their own or something - though I think you said DP would go for part anyway?

I think the birthday person - sorry if that's you OP - is being a bit of a drama queen about this.

Its so funny that people keep complaining about the birthday person and dp and asserting they “want to be the star” and are “not important “ and “ not the center of things” and that the host is “so generous “ to be “doing this for them.”

Is it generous to give birthday person the gift of a party they can’t enjoy because someone important to them can’t attend? Is it generous to arrange it on a day that is inconvenient to them? Its like throwing a meat party for a vegetarian—if its for me it should include something I like.

What would birthday member like host to do? Cancel the party? Change to the Saturday even though all the other guests are expecting it on Sunday and may not be able to make it?

Mistakes happen. The choice is to respond with petulance or grace regardless.

Sometimes people handle these conversations badly and try to deflect or apportion blame. The choice is still to respond with petulance or grace.

The strength of a relationship lies in how we treat each other in difficult moments.

This! As if generosity (or rather, doing a lot) in and of itself mitigates everything else. It's very misplaced without ascertaining that all the arrangements are convenient for the recipient of the "generosity".

I don’t understand why this is such a big deal.

Birthday person can attend their family BBQ. Their DP might not be able to. So what?

This.

Well this is just poor initial communication all round. The host should have specifically told the birthday member the day and date and asked whether Sunday was convenient. When the host didn't do this, the birthday member should have asked for clarification when they were first discussing this specific weekend.

However, the host is being very unreasonable to organise this on a Sunday given that:

• the purpose of the BBQ was to celebrate two birthdays
• they knew that 1 of the birthday guests has a partner who always leaves on Sunday morning, due to work committments
• they expected the birthday guest's partner to help with the cooking, despite knowing they wouldn't be able to attend on Sunday

Sorry if I’ve missed this, but can’t it just be moved to the Saturday?

I've totally changed my mind on this sonce learning that the DP would only have a three hour drive home!

My inlaws lived three hours away from us. We'd visit them for a weekend at least every six weeks, and leave on Sunday evening. Even with little kids! Its's nothing.

When I was still working and my MIL was in a care home, I'd drive there and back in a day every third or fourth Sunday. So a six hour drive and in my 60s!

They won't be flexible about Sundays. They're upset they wanted to spend all day there.

You have a problem with your somewhat pathetic partner, not the relative who's kindly hosted this thing. Yes there's been a communication error, but none of that would matter if your partner wasn't so unneccessarily inflexible. He could have the enjoyable time that he wants, if he wasn't so wussy about a three hour drive afterwards.

This.
And the host could have solved the whole problem at the outset by emailing the Birthday person with the proposed time and date. The birthday person could have checked. But saying don't assume, whilst true, it is not that nice really.

Its become such a drama. Trying to please two birthday people. But really no point organising it for a day that one of them can't do.

It's only a 3 hour drive - what's the big deal? If the BBQ starts early they can spend most of the day there. Leave at 5pm and be home before 9. Sounds like a huge storm in a teacup.

Of course the host should have checked woth the two birthday folk if the date was suitable for them. If there are a lot of people attending there will probably be some who can't make it.

Host is kindly hosting a BBQ for a large group of extended friends and family. Getting an agreed date will have been like herding cats.

Host told birthday1 the weekend and day, told Birthday2 the weekend and the date but didn't specify the day. Host assumed BD2 would know date was a Sunday, BD2 assumed host would plan party for a Saturday. Minor miscommunication on both parts (but I would totally have checked my calendar so sympathise with host)

Birthday2 is sulking because totally inflexible DP - who only has a 3 hour drive - insists on leaving Sunday morning.

Either Birthday2 goes to the BBQ (and presumably sees friends and family) or she stays at home on her own and the BBQ goes on without her. It's a shame, but it's not the host's fault.

You've said the host asked the long distance DP of the birthday guest if they would help with the cooking, despite the host knowing that the DP always leaves Sunday mornings. When the host asked this and the DP agreed to help, did it not occur to the Host to say "you do know the barbecue is on Sunday, are you able to stay the whole day/did you manage to get Monday off.".

The fact that this didn't prompt the host to check with the DP he was definitely free all day Sunday and he also got the days mixed up for his neighbour's party is making me wonder if this is totally his fault and he just forgot or got confused about the day,

The host should have made sure both of the birthday guests knew exactly which day the barbecue was on, especially as it's so important to the one with the LD DP. Do you think it's possible the host has got some sort of cognitive decline?

It seems like the OP is the ‘birthday person’ based on the quantity of knowledge around that person and their ‘DP’.

Yes and the "DP not BF" response to someone

DP isn’t a very good partner. It’s a 3 hour drive not a 12 hour plane ride. Why are they so rigid about having to leave in the AM? I agree with a PP who said that BBQ host may have purposefully arranged it for the Sunday to create discourse about DP always being so inflexible and making birthday person realise how low they are on said “partner’s” priority list.

Everyone is ridiculous here.

Host - Made a mistake when planning and didn’t communicate the date properly. These things happen and there was no need to get defensive and shift blame.

Birthday Person - Is being dramatic. What’s done is done, the date can’t be changed so they can just go without the DP if they’re willing to accept the DPs inflexibility.

DP - is perfectly able to attend and should be willing to do so for their partner, as a one off. They don’t need to take annual leave, they can just leave at 6 and be back by 9.

Host should have communicated the date first to the people the party is to celebrate the of birthday to check with them and confirm - before telling all the other family members. Surely the birthday guests are most important and then everyone can make plans accordingly. It would be different if it was just a family bbq.