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Original poster

Whose fault was/is this (if anyone's)?

254 replies

familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:21

Family member 1 (host) has a huge garden and hosts gatherings often over summer.

A BBQ has been pending for a while, involving host's family, extended family and friends and neighbours. The purpose of the BBQ is to celebrate two family member's birthdays that are close together.

When first discussed about two months ago, it proved hard to find a date where both birthday family members were available. Also host had a dilemma as to whether to have it on a Saturday or Sunday-given a lot of people have busy Saturdays over Summer, but people work on Mondays and may not want long drives/booze etc.

One of the birthday family members is in a LDR and only sees their DP some weekends, DP always leaves on a Sunday morning as they work on the Monday-it is difficult for them to get Mondays off at this time of year. Host is very aware of this, but it wasn't discussed specifically while making arrangements.

Last time the DP visited everyone was trying to figure out what weekend would be best and decided on this weekend. This was around a month ago.

In the meantime birthday family member's friend asked if they could spend some time with them the Saturday of this weekend-birthday family member mentioned the BBQ and said they were welcome to come to it (which they knew they would be) and mentioned to host who said yes that's fine but then later on, they said to birthday family member 'You do know It's on the Sunday, not the Saturday?'

Birthday family member hadn't known this and is now upset as their DP cannot be at their birthday gathering with them. Their DP is upset because they were looking forward to coming.

Host has said birthday family member should not have assumed it'd be on the Saturday. They've also given their (valid) reasons why the Sunday would be better, and said they discussed it at length with other family members. It had not been specifically mentioned at any point to birthday family member however, despite these discussions, which has riled them somewhat.

Birthday member accepts that they assumed and shouldn't have but feels that host should have specifically mentioned about it being on a Sunday, and should also have perhaps been mindful that birthday member's DP cannot 'do' Sundays when making the decision.

Other info-host reckons they mentioned the date (not day) to both the DP and birthday member. Neither remember this conversation and also have said that this would have been weeks ago and they mightn't' have been mindful to look up whether this was a Sat or a Sun.

Host is upset as birthday member is disappointed and upset and has said they won't attend for the whole day-they were expecting a nice day with their DP and they often have to attend events alone due to LDR and this was going to be a nice day for them, now It's just 'meh'. They're not especially close to anyone else there other than host, and there's a huge age gap with all guests and them too.

Their DP was meant to be doing some of the cooking to give host a break to speak to their friends-which is a small issue.

So was birthday member wrong to assume and should have asked? Was host wrong to assume birthday member knew the day? Should they have specified and/or thought 'hang on, the DP isn't free on Sundays? Should birthday member have made this clearer? All of the above?😂

This is long but I still feel I haven't included all info...I'll answer anything required though!

OP posts:
WaitingForNothingGood · 13/07/2023 07:55

Why have you written this in the third person 😅😅

Hercisback · 13/07/2023 07:57

3 hours drive and they can't do it Sunday evening? That's ridiculous.

MumblesParty · 13/07/2023 07:58

familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:42

Host actually said to birthday member 'Never assume, it makes an ass out of 'u' and 'me', so there's definitely been some blame apportioned on their part.

Host is on the wrong for using that twee little phrase alone!

I was going to say it was no one’s fault really, just poor communication. But after hearing that comment, if I was the birthday person, I wouldn’t go at all.

TequilaNights · 13/07/2023 08:00

The DP should book AL on the Monday, problem solved.

knockyknees · 13/07/2023 08:19

It seems there's been a lack of communication all round.

Host should have phoned up both the birthday people and asked ''does Saturday the first or Sunday the second work for you, and if so, which would you prefer?'' If only one day worked for both, then obviously go with that. If either day worked, then personally I'd have gone with the Saturday, as Sundays can be a pain for many people, especially if they have work or school the next day.

But whatever day was picked, the host should have phoned/spoken in person to both of them and told them that the party was going to be on Saturday the first (or Sunday the second; whichever was applicable). After that the rest of the guests should be invited.

If I didn't have a calendar in front of me, then I'd probably default to thinking an event was being held on a Saturday (not just this BBQ in particular), if I was only given the date to start with.

The partner's rigid travelling schedule on the Sunday would not be a consideration. They could just suck it up for once.

MadKittenWoman · 13/07/2023 08:19

DP sounds weird. If it's only a three hour drive they could leave in the evening or even very early morning. Why can't they get a day off on the Monday? Are they a teacher? If that was the case, why couldn't the host have postponed a week or so until the end of term? something else going on here...

WaitingForNothingGood · 13/07/2023 08:22

familieseh · 12/07/2023 23:05

Birthday person is attending, they are just disappointed that it isn't what they expected and said they may attend for a few hours rather than be there all day/night. Host will be busy and they aren't so close to anyone else there who are all a lot older/younger than them and will know other people more.

So what's the big deal about your partner going anyway?

WaitingForNothingGood · 13/07/2023 08:23

*not going

Cyllie33 · 13/07/2023 08:34

I think it’s the birthday person’s partner who is at fault! Unless they live a plane ride or a seven hour drive away, can’t they just head back late afternoon/early evening on this occasion and come to the barbecue??? Or just for once book the Monday off? I’d be upset if my partner couldn’t be bothered to stay a few hours for my birthday.

whatkatydid2013 · 13/07/2023 08:42

Honestly it sounds like what happened is that various weekends were sounded out & this one chosen. Host said “ok so does the 16th work?” for you to the birthday person/partner in course of a casual conversationand they said yes to that without thinking at the time if it was Saturday or Sunday and without making a note it was that day just marking it as that weekend and assuming the host wouldn’t have arranged for a Sunday. Now Host thinks they are agreed to Sunday 16th and sends our invites/organises the whole thing. They are understandably a bit put out when guest they are organising it for is a bit short about it being on the “wrong” day. It’s a shame it worked out that way and I’d largely put it down to poor communication but if you were picking someone to blame then to me in this scenario it’s more the guest than the host

Quitelikeit · 13/07/2023 09:00

Still no mention of why the dp cannot put a days leave in or the fact that these people were never going to be able to spend Sunday together

Still no mention of why they can’t do something together in the Saturday?!

I suspect this person wants to drink at the BBQ

Also what’s wrong with getting up at 4am and driving to work on Monday morning?

Original poster
familieseh · 13/07/2023 09:12

I'll respond properly later but to answer some questions DP isn't a big drinker, its not that. They won't be flexible about Sundays. They're upset they wanted to spend all day there. The BBQ was arranged with two people's birthdays in mind I have already specified that AL for the DP isn't an option IMO it is very different to those saying 'well my DP/DH works away no big deal I'd go on my own-LDR and not getting much time together and not for events often makes it different to that.The other birthday person wasn't bothered which day it was on Birthday person is close to the host and obviously their DP but not anyone else attending so they've mentioned that they'll feel a bit of a spare part. This was also the case for them last year.

OP posts:
Original poster
familieseh · 13/07/2023 09:17

Sorry! I had written that in bullet points but it hasn't worked for some reason

OP posts:
buckeejit · 13/07/2023 09:54

Dp is totally inflexible. Their loved ones birthday & they can't book a days leave for it or be slightly tired for a work shift due to staying out late? As a one off they should suck it up, unless they're a brain surgeon or something where they can't cope without 8 hours sleep. Hosting is fun for some people but it's still a lot of work.

Same invite should have gone to everyone though

Cyllie33 · 13/07/2023 10:45

Possibly the host (parent or grandparent?) isn’t very impressed with the lack of commitment/inflexibility of the birthday person’s DP and is trying to make a point in the hope the birthday person will realise their DP isn’t that committed to them? Not very nice but could be a motivation. Or they simply assumed that while the DP’s partner isn’t usually around on a Sunday they would make an exception for their birthday? I really don’t understand why the DP can’t come and just drive back that evening or early on Monday, so think it is they and the birthday person who are at fault.

Newhorizons8 · 13/07/2023 10:47

The host can do anything they want it's their party. Birthday person needs to host their own party if they want it to be on a particular day.

I think the host is being too generous. It's their house and their party and birthday person needs to get a grip

Yellowtrouser · 13/07/2023 10:48

Sorry if I missed it in your answers but does DP live so far away that they cannot leave later in the day, rather than morning, and be at some of the BBQ? Or take a few hours off on Monday to travel?

Quitelikeit · 13/07/2023 11:01

@Yellowtrouser because he is very inflexible

He can still go to the BBQ he doesn’t have to be at work until Monday - he could leave at 4am in the morning - many armed forces people do this

Also if the BBQ is starting in the afternoon realistically how long does he need to spend there?

mrsm43s · 13/07/2023 11:51

The person most in the wrong is the DP who is being completely inflexible even though it's his DPs birthday. No reason why he couldn't drive home later on this one special occasion. He can attend on a Sunday, he is choosing not to.

The birthday person is also in the wrong for taking out her anger/frustration on the host, rather than directing it to her DP, where it should be directed.

The host has done nothing wrong at all (with the exception of the twee "never assume" comment).

Jigslaw · 13/07/2023 12:08

Is he military by any chance? Dh never thought anything of a 3 hour drive, he used to sometimes drive down for a few hours with me (sorry planet).

pikkumyy77 · 13/07/2023 12:22

I don’t understand why it is being seen as the DP’s fault for not being at this clumsily organized BBQ. The DP was not properly invited as a guest or a cohost as if they had been their needs and preferences would have been taken into account.

My take on it is that the host likes to host and receive praise and from other family members about being a good parent or grandparent so gatherings of elderly family members are given a family gloss of being “about” two birthdays when they really are done just for the benefit of the elder family members and the birthday girl/boy might not even show up if they were not a named celebrant.

The OP has said several times that the bbq is not fun for the supposed honoree and that the DP would have been expected to work the party so the host could have fun and mingle with the guests.

That’s not a birthday party or even a party for birthday person and the dp—that’s some weird command performance and in service day for the DP.

The birthday person would have every right to decline the invite (an invitation is not a summons) and the DP too—they can and will celebrate the birthday in their own way. Why do they have to be grateful to be asked to attend and work a party that was organized without thought to them?

Cyllie33 · 13/07/2023 13:10

Are you the DP, OP? Is this about your partner and his mum and a MIL thread in disguise 🥸

Girliegurl · 13/07/2023 13:20

I'm so confused. Why can't the host do a Saturday? Or failing that, why doesn't the birthday member just have their own get together on a Saturday?
Seems totally overcomplicated in my opinion.

mrsm43s · 13/07/2023 13:52

Girliegurl · 13/07/2023 13:20

I'm so confused. Why can't the host do a Saturday? Or failing that, why doesn't the birthday member just have their own get together on a Saturday?
Seems totally overcomplicated in my opinion.

By why does the host have to do a Saturday, when everyone could come on the Sunday, but one person is refusing to be flexible to attend their DP's birthday celebration? Whilst Sunday might not be their preferred, they are not working that day and only have a 3 hour trip home, so they could reasonably attend.

We don't know why Sunday was chosen over Saturday, but presumably there was a reason, and it's not unreasonable in the slightest to expect someone to flex their preference of leaving first thing Sunday morning to later in the day in order to attend their DP's birthday celebration.

Ultimately the DP has been invited and has declined to make the effort to come. Absolutely up to them. The idea that the party must be arranged at their convenience over the host or potentially some of the other family members is breathtakingly entitled. If Birthday person is important enough to their DP, the DP will flex their plans to come. If they don't, it tells Birthday all they need to know about where they sit in their DP's priority list.

pikkumyy77 · 13/07/2023 13:58

Why is it “entitled” to not be able to come to someone’s bbq? The DP hasn’t asked for any favors. They have just declined something inconvenient.