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AIBU?

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Original poster

Whose fault was/is this (if anyone's)?

254 replies

familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:21

Family member 1 (host) has a huge garden and hosts gatherings often over summer.

A BBQ has been pending for a while, involving host's family, extended family and friends and neighbours. The purpose of the BBQ is to celebrate two family member's birthdays that are close together.

When first discussed about two months ago, it proved hard to find a date where both birthday family members were available. Also host had a dilemma as to whether to have it on a Saturday or Sunday-given a lot of people have busy Saturdays over Summer, but people work on Mondays and may not want long drives/booze etc.

One of the birthday family members is in a LDR and only sees their DP some weekends, DP always leaves on a Sunday morning as they work on the Monday-it is difficult for them to get Mondays off at this time of year. Host is very aware of this, but it wasn't discussed specifically while making arrangements.

Last time the DP visited everyone was trying to figure out what weekend would be best and decided on this weekend. This was around a month ago.

In the meantime birthday family member's friend asked if they could spend some time with them the Saturday of this weekend-birthday family member mentioned the BBQ and said they were welcome to come to it (which they knew they would be) and mentioned to host who said yes that's fine but then later on, they said to birthday family member 'You do know It's on the Sunday, not the Saturday?'

Birthday family member hadn't known this and is now upset as their DP cannot be at their birthday gathering with them. Their DP is upset because they were looking forward to coming.

Host has said birthday family member should not have assumed it'd be on the Saturday. They've also given their (valid) reasons why the Sunday would be better, and said they discussed it at length with other family members. It had not been specifically mentioned at any point to birthday family member however, despite these discussions, which has riled them somewhat.

Birthday member accepts that they assumed and shouldn't have but feels that host should have specifically mentioned about it being on a Sunday, and should also have perhaps been mindful that birthday member's DP cannot 'do' Sundays when making the decision.

Other info-host reckons they mentioned the date (not day) to both the DP and birthday member. Neither remember this conversation and also have said that this would have been weeks ago and they mightn't' have been mindful to look up whether this was a Sat or a Sun.

Host is upset as birthday member is disappointed and upset and has said they won't attend for the whole day-they were expecting a nice day with their DP and they often have to attend events alone due to LDR and this was going to be a nice day for them, now It's just 'meh'. They're not especially close to anyone else there other than host, and there's a huge age gap with all guests and them too.

Their DP was meant to be doing some of the cooking to give host a break to speak to their friends-which is a small issue.

So was birthday member wrong to assume and should have asked? Was host wrong to assume birthday member knew the day? Should they have specified and/or thought 'hang on, the DP isn't free on Sundays? Should birthday member have made this clearer? All of the above?😂

This is long but I still feel I haven't included all info...I'll answer anything required though!

OP posts:
sunflowerdaisyrose · 12/07/2023 23:34

Doesn't really sound like anyone's fault, just a misunderstanding. Birthday person should be a bit more appreciative of the host's efforts. Partner should come and drive back later in the day if only three hours away too.

Sprogonthetyne · 12/07/2023 23:41

Was the Sunday better for the other birthday person? It mentions there are 2 birthday people being celebrated at once. It sounds to me like the host just wanted a BBQ, and should really just have left it as a generic summer gathering without tacking it on to whichever guests happen to have a near by celebration.

Azandme · 12/07/2023 23:55

familieseh · 12/07/2023 23:31

@Harrysutton about three hours. I wonder if that's a bugbear too

Three hours? And they always leave Sunday morning?

Are they going home to spend the day with their other DP and kids?

Sorry but leaving Sunday morning for work on a Monday when it's only a 3 hour drive is decidedly odd.

I say this as someone who's exh was a soldier who used to leave at 3am on a Monday morning to get back to base after a weekend with me.

Current DP works away 3 days a week atm. He leaves at 6pm for his 4.5 hour drive, so he's in the office the following morning.

Leaving Sunday morning is weird. Refusing to leave at say 6pm ONCE so they could go to a birthday bbq is VERY weird. Cancelling the whole weekend is off the chart weird.

In my experience of LDRs you grab every minute you can get, not dash off at sparrow's fart on a Sunday. Very fishy.

Original poster
familieseh · 12/07/2023 23:56

Other birthday person could do either day. The Sunday rather than Saturday wasn't decided because of anyone in particular, just because host assumed people may be busier on Saturdays so more would come on the Sunday. This event happens every year for the birthdays, it wasn't just a thing that they were doing with birthdays as an afterthought.

Host is very generous, agreed. They're doing another BBQ next weekend for someone else's birthday. And they're upset that the birthday person is now upset but also blaming them for not checking the date.

OP posts:
FineBerol · 13/07/2023 00:33

Host is in the wrong for not accommodating birthday person's preferred day

Doesn't really feel like its for their birthday

MrsDrSpencerReid · 13/07/2023 00:33

If host wanted the DP to help with the cooking they should have confirmed they were available!

If the DP only has a 3hr drive they are BU to not stay for lunch for a special occasion as a one off.

DrFoxtrot · 13/07/2023 00:57

It's weird that the host didn't confirm the Sunday with birthday family member. But everyone else received some form of invitation/ text. Host has assumed birthday member knew it was Sunday but apparently nobody should assume anything according to their own comments 🤔.

I'd be upset if I was birthday family member. Kind of the host to arrange things but it doesn't suit one of the birthday people and they messed up the communication.

Tiswa · 13/07/2023 01:04

The fact that they have to leaver Sunday morning having arrived Friday night or Saturday morning and can’t simply leave later for a 3 hour drive seems rigid and insane and suspect just thought would make an exception

2-4 nights a month seems an odd relationship

User68253 · 13/07/2023 01:17

familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:42

Host actually said to birthday member 'Never assume, it makes an ass out of 'u' and 'me', so there's definitely been some blame apportioned on their part.

Oh wow. I thought the host was in the wrong even before I read that. I wouldn't host a birthday event for someone on a day their partner couldn't come, that is an odd thing to do. It sounds like they planned it for a Saturday because the other birthday person would prefer it then.

Floralnomad · 13/07/2023 01:35

familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:42

Host actually said to birthday member 'Never assume, it makes an ass out of 'u' and 'me', so there's definitely been some blame apportioned on their part.

If they’d said that to me I probably would tell them that I would celebrate my birthday on the Saturday with my partner and they could stick their bbq

fireflyloo · 13/07/2023 01:44

The DP should make an exception for their partner. Sounds like they want everyone to bend over backwards to accommodate them. 3 hours drive is nothing. Surely they could leave Sunday evening or even book a Monday off and have extra time with their dp.

Tinkerbyebye · 13/07/2023 01:51

Why can’t the dp just travel later on the Sunday and suck it up

SeamsLegit · 13/07/2023 02:01

Please give each person a name, I found that so hard to follow, I can't be the only one!

Ilikegreenshoes · 13/07/2023 02:18

DP is being unreasonable. Not being willing to get home on a Sunday evening just once so that they can spend an important family occasion with their partner is ridiculous. Three hours isn't much at all.

Host shouldn't have quoted that rubbish saying about assuming though, makes them sound like a 90s school teacher. 😆

Squeaky2023 · 13/07/2023 03:36

The DP is being ridiculously inflexible, especially when you say he/she always leaves on Sunday morning.
Work isn't everything. It sounds like a lovely, big party which would warrant the Monday off, or if work isn't flexible, maybe a sick/family day off.

readingmytealeaves · 13/07/2023 03:40

Hosting a big barbecue is generous on many levels. However it sounds like the host had decided to do Sunday and wanted everyone else to fit in - that's fine if you host an event, you can invite people and accept that some people can't make it. However if you are hosting an event for a specific person or people who will be "guests of honour" then it makes sense to check it is a convenient day for them. Going ahead with your preferred day and giving your supposed guest of honour a hard time if it doesn't work for them is not terribly pleasant. I probably wouldn't go if I was the birthday person as I'd be upset my partner was excluded when I had already said Sundays wouldn't work and the "assume" comment would annoy me. I'd celebrate my birthday in my own way and not invite the controlling barbecue martyr.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 13/07/2023 04:10

familieseh · 12/07/2023 23:31

@Harrysutton about three hours. I wonder if that's a bugbear too

I was in a LDR with my dp for 6m at the start of our relationship and it was about 3h drive between us.

Dp is being vvvU to say they absolutely will not stay later than Sunday am for ANY visit, especially one where a very generous relative is hosting a big bbq for birthday member. I find it very odd that they don't want to eek out as much of the day as possible, travelling after 6pm is much better ime. This dynamic is wierd to me.

Dp is being wierd and inflexible.
Birthday member is being rude and should have checked the day.
Host is now being a bit of a prick but should have confirmed dates.

Birthday member doesn't have to go - what's the mumsnet phrase - 'it's an invite not a summons'

RantyAnty · 13/07/2023 04:16

DP is being vvu and precious.

Does he have to get back in time for his real family?

I suspect birthday girl thinks the relationship is more than it really is.

Yellowflower47 · 13/07/2023 04:35

DP could absolutely make an exception and they are the only person I think is wrong really. The way it’s all worded suggests this is a long term relationship and the two people in it are older (I’m guessing late 30s-40s?). If you love and care for someone, you make an effort to be involved in their birthday, it’s quite simple. A 3 hour drive is nothing.

user1492757084 · 13/07/2023 04:45

Can't the partner still do something nice with his partner to celebrate?
The date was the date and couldn't suit perfectly everyone.

Thank the host and have a nice time.

countrygirl99 · 13/07/2023 05:14

If the DP leaves at 6pm they'll be home by 9. Even if they have to get up at 4am surely that's doable as a one off? If I was trying to fix a date to suit multiple people I would be very unimpressed with DP being so rigid.

PriOn1 · 13/07/2023 05:49

I thought the host was unreasonable until you said the DPs journey home was three hours. Unless there’s a pressing reason it’s not possible to do the journey later in the day (unavailability of public transport and an inability to drive, for example) then DP is being precious to insist on leaving so early. Indeed, if I was in a relationship with a DP who didn’t prioritize spending more time with me on the limited occasions travel is possible, I might wonder whether the DP is particularly committed to the relationship.

That said, it does sound like the host hasn’t prioritized the DP being there. Is there a possibility the host agrees that DP is being precious and isn’t prioritizing their relative and is trying to get their relative to realise?

If that isn’t a factor and the host doesn’t judge the DP and thinks heading off on Sunday morning is perfectly reasonable, then host was certainly somewhat thoughtless, especially if there had been discussion about the DP attending and doing some cooking.

It was reasonable for the relative and their DP to assume it would be on the Saturday and I’m not surprised the birthday relative is somewhat upset. It sounds like they’re caught between a rock and a hard place with a host that’s been careless and a DP who isn’t that committed.

Looking forward to the big reveal about which member of all this the OP is!

Codlingmoths · 13/07/2023 06:24

The dp only having a 3 hour drive back home changes everything about this.
it becomes: birthday person 1 has a weird inflexible dp who refuses to stay any later than Sunday morning despite only having a 3 hour drive home, should bbq host person have regarded that as set in stone or hoped they could flex it a little like normal people?
Most people would routinely leave about 6 or 7pm the Sunday.

Shoxfordian · 13/07/2023 06:32

Sounds like a lot of miscommunication tbh; but I also don’t see why the dp can’t drive back later on that Sunday

Marsyas · 13/07/2023 06:38

I’m surprised so many people are blaming the host - I think the onus was on the birthday member, when told the weekend it was on, to make it clear they couldn’t do the Sunday - or to have made it clear earlier. Host really can’t be expected to have a mental map of the to-ing and fro-ing of every family members partners. Not being able to “do” Sunday is an important part of birthday persons life but not anyone else’s.