Whose fault was/is this (if anyone's)?

[familieseh]

Family member 1 (host) has a huge garden and hosts gatherings often over summer.

A BBQ has been pending for a while, involving host's family, extended family and friends and neighbours. The purpose of the BBQ is to celebrate two family member's birthdays that are close together.

When first discussed about two months ago, it proved hard to find a date where both birthday family members were available. Also host had a dilemma as to whether to have it on a Saturday or Sunday-given a lot of people have busy Saturdays over Summer, but people work on Mondays and may not want long drives/booze etc.

One of the birthday family members is in a LDR and only sees their DP some weekends, DP always leaves on a Sunday morning as they work on the Monday-it is difficult for them to get Mondays off at this time of year. Host is very aware of this, but it wasn't discussed specifically while making arrangements.

Last time the DP visited everyone was trying to figure out what weekend would be best and decided on this weekend. This was around a month ago.

In the meantime birthday family member's friend asked if they could spend some time with them the Saturday of this weekend-birthday family member mentioned the BBQ and said they were welcome to come to it (which they knew they would be) and mentioned to host who said yes that's fine but then later on, they said to birthday family member 'You do know It's on the Sunday, not the Saturday?'

Birthday family member hadn't known this and is now upset as their DP cannot be at their birthday gathering with them. Their DP is upset because they were looking forward to coming.

Host has said birthday family member should not have assumed it'd be on the Saturday. They've also given their (valid) reasons why the Sunday would be better, and said they discussed it at length with other family members. It had not been specifically mentioned at any point to birthday family member however, despite these discussions, which has riled them somewhat.

Birthday member accepts that they assumed and shouldn't have but feels that host should have specifically mentioned about it being on a Sunday, and should also have perhaps been mindful that birthday member's DP cannot 'do' Sundays when making the decision.

Other info-host reckons they mentioned the date (not day) to both the DP and birthday member. Neither remember this conversation and also have said that this would have been weeks ago and they mightn't' have been mindful to look up whether this was a Sat or a Sun.

Host is upset as birthday member is disappointed and upset and has said they won't attend for the whole day-they were expecting a nice day with their DP and they often have to attend events alone due to LDR and this was going to be a nice day for them, now It's just 'meh'. They're not especially close to anyone else there other than host, and there's a huge age gap with all guests and them too.

Their DP was meant to be doing some of the cooking to give host a break to speak to their friends-which is a small issue.

So was birthday member wrong to assume and should have asked? Was host wrong to assume birthday member knew the day? Should they have specified and/or thought 'hang on, the DP isn't free on Sundays? Should birthday member have made this clearer? All of the above?😂

This is long but I still feel I haven't included all info...I'll answer anything required though!

Which of these people are you OP?

A three hour journey and they are this rigid about leaving times? How tiresome.

Is everyone in this story as rigid as each other? Perhaps that's the main issue really.

I know me too! Or just say ‘I’ because it’s so obvious you are the birthday member or whatever

I mean you’ve given away so much detail there is no point in trying to stay anonymous

1. The host is in the wrong to pretend the party is for a specific person and not bother to check they can come, because actually it's clearly just a little party for the host and nothing to do with the birthdays.
2. The "DP" is in the wrong for not staying until evening just one time with only a 3 hour journey. They could even leave 5.30am on the Monday and still get to work for 9.
3. The birthday person is in the wrong for whining. If the date doesn't work and you don't like that the date wasn't checked, just say "Oh no that's a shame, I can't come." That's the only way the host will learn to check.

There is a bit of fault all round.
Worst is DP who is inflexible. Not much of a weekend if you always leave Sunday morning .

Second worst is the host for not checking when honoured guest could come and specifying a date to them . Not point having a party when birthday person and partner can’t be there.

Bitthday guest should not have assumed that the host knew about their partners schedule. I wonder if they are upset that their LDR partner won’t bend their pretty crap rule of leaving Sunday am..

I honestly cannot follow this, what on earth is a “birthday member” is it the other person actually having a birthday or is it a member of the family of somebody having a birthday? If it is the actual person having a birthday then they should have simply communicated with the host as to what day the bbq was on? 🤷‍♀️

I think this has been over complicated.

2 peoples birthdays are being celebrate and lots of other people invited. There’s been a lot of back and forth over dates. Somewhere in the mix the Sunday issue for the dp has either been forgotten or relegated as an importance.

It’s possible the dp who can’t do Sunday and their partner missed the bit about it being Sunday. It’s possible it was forgotten.

A lot of people are getting together and this birthday person and their do have completely vetoed all Sundays because their dp likes to go home early on Sunday. What if Saturday didn’t suit everyone else? It can’t have suited everyone, or it would have been on a Saturday.

I think these issues are typical of trying to get a large group of people together and why people often get out off doing them and just do smaller ones.

It sounds like none of You actually like each other tbh.

Exactly. OP, I can’t believe you are annoyed with the person who is kindly hosting and not with your DP who doesn’t want to make an effort.

If the host did confirm the date, the onus was on the guest to look at what day this fell on before agreeing to it.

Tbh, the LDR looks pretty bad. The partner is considering not coming because they were only coming for the bbq, and they insist on leaving early on Sunday despite only a three hour journey?

When my husband and I were LD, we spent every possible moment together.

I’d be not attending for this alone, what a pompous prat!

This reminds me of my old place of work when I went on maternity leave. My team wanted to have a meal &drinks after work, to say good bye to me. I planned to have the year off. They had all checked in with the team (apart from me) to see which day suits them best. They just told me when it was, but I explained that I couldn't do Fridays, because I don't actually work that day. They didn't think of that. They then tried to persuade me to still come, even though I lived over 20 miles away! It was stupid. So my answer to your dilemma, yes they should have checked the dates with the people it's for. That makes the most sense, because the party's for them!

It seems like the OP is the ‘birthday person’ based on the quantity of knowledge around that person and their ‘DP’.

Why not just say so? That was exhausting.

Also, three hours travel isn’t ideal but not the end of the world. Why couldn’t the partner leave at say 3pm on the Sunday for once?

I haven't rtft but personally I am on the side of birthday family member. I seems really off on the part of the host to claim this is partly for the birthday family member, yet not to consider anything to do with them at all!

It seems like a bit of a crap “family birthday celebration” anyway, if the only person you’ll know there is the host.

Who are the other guests? Presumably not your wider family, as you would know them. Your parent’s friends?

This is sounding like your mum/dad offered to do a birthday party for you, but then changed their mind and decided they actually wanted a bbq with all their friends instead. I’m really not seeing what you are getting out of this event.

A lot of drama over a BBQ. My DH used to work away a lot and if something was arranged for when he wasn't home I'd still go and see family and friends. Up to the birthday person if they want to do that or if they want to stay with their partner I guess.

God I hate everyone in this story. Just say who these people are , birthday member, host, other birthday member it’s confusing and just unnecessary when it’s screamingly obvious you’re the birthday girl.

I don’t really understand why someone who you’re not close to would go through the effort of hosting a party for your birthday either, it sounds like they just want an excuse to play host and be centre of attention. I mean, expecting the birthday girls boyfriend to do the cooking too?

I wouldn’t go, chalk it up to a a communication error and say you want to spend time with your boyfriend before he leaves.

Reading this thread has already taken longer than I'd usually spend at any party.

I tend to think both parties should have asked/made the date clear, but given DP couldn't do Sundays and was expected to be involved in cooking I could see why birthday person would assume it was Sunday. I wouldn't set a date that excluded one of their birthday people's DPs if possible, and if nothing else worked I would have been very up front and apologise that we couldn't do a date birthday person's DP could attend. For me id say the host has been unreasonable here.

Ugh hate people doing what’s supposed to be a big fun event on a Sunday. Why do people do this!

This is just one of those stupid weekend after next scenarios. Just give an actual date. But the DP sounds unless they have some sort of medical condition or caring responsibilities which make getting back at a specific time totally necessary like an absolute inflexible all about me pain in the arse.

Sunday bbqs are a bit crap for all the reasons listed in the original OP but I don’t understand why the DP can’t come down for the ‘extra’ weekend as planned, spend Saturday with the birthday person then go home as normal on the Sunday morning? Then the birthday person can go to the bbq on the Sunday?

Trying to coordinate a bbq with that many people us hard. As neighbours are invited etc I can’t understand how this is for the family birthday celebrations and think it sounds more like a party and they’ll incorporate/use the opportunity to mark the two family birthdays. There’s been a miscommunication but can dp just come to the start and head off early? Then they have Saturday together and a couple of hours with family on Sunday (enough time with family for most people). It’s not worth overthinking.

All our family bbqs are Sundays - dc all have clubs and activities on Saturdays. I guess we’re not big drinkers so it’s never been an issue.